These week 15 NFL picks are legally stoned and in a Mandela-forgiving, Pope-for-the-poor mood in Uruguay with the NFL officials from last week’s Browns / Patriots game.
These guys crack me up. They smoke a flowery perfume-smelling pot called, “The Tom Brady Effect.” It helped them see “the obvious interference” at the end of last week’s Browns / Patriots game, they said. After I tried it, I voted for Tom Brady for president. The shit is strong.
One of these NFL officials, who asked to be identified by the name, “Dudefreak,” said that defense lawyers in Uruguay typically donate a quarter pound of The Tom Brady Effect to jurors, and then have their ax-murdering clients wear a #12 Patriots jersey.
“This is a foolproof legal strategy in Uruguay,” said Dudefreak, who had a giant Patriots logo tattooed on each arm. He paused for a long time while I stared, wondering how the NFL could view him as objective. Casually, he leaned down and packed his #12 black-and-white striped bong, and then he said like some bored hipster, “Long sleeves.”
I know what you are thinking. Why Uruguay? Why not go to Colorado or Washington to smoke legal pot and talk to red-eyed NFL officials about the intricacies of the NFL rulebook? Two reasons, really. The Denver Broncos and Seattle Seahawks. Those teams are way better than the Cleveland Browns, no matter what you smoke. Walter White doesn’t cure that.
Plus Dudefreak knows this guy down here who gets some really good The Tom Brady Effect. This is the new journalism. You are welcome. As you can see, I went all the way to Uruguay just to find out whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks From Uruguay With NFL Officials” »