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Week 7 NFL Picks Rigged By The Lamestream Media

Week 7 NFL Picks Rigged By The Lamestream Media

October 21, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

As a card-carrying member of the lamestream media, these week 7 NFL Picks, know exactly how the media rigs everything using facts.

For instance, according to the lamestream media, the Cleveland Browns lost the first six games of this NFL season. I refuse to accept those results because I know how the conspiracy works.

Media riggingThe Cleveland Browns are winners. The media refuses to accept it. But I know better. Sure, I am in danger of getting kicked out of the lamestream media for saying it, but I am positive that 0-6 doesn’t feel true. Still, I know how it works.

It works like this. Every Wednesday at noon, we in the lamestream media go to Anderson Cooper’s house for bong hits and tiny sandwiches, and then we listen to a guy from from Wells Fargo tell us what to rig. For some reason, Wells Fargo doesn’t like the Cleveland Browns.

Bernie Kosar’ supporters had this figured out back in the 1980s when the Browns were losing AFC championships in back-to-back years to the John Elway’s Denver Broncos.

The idealistic Bernie people like to quote their favorite source of news, Wikileaks, in which emails show, shockingly, that politicians play politics and the Browns are not allowed in the Super Bowl. It should not be that way, say the Bernie people. They are so darn cute.

When we in the lamestream media gather one day a week at Anderson Cooper’s house, after beer pong is over, we spend the rest of the afternoon rigging stuff. It’s pretty much all the media does. Once in a while, we might send a reporter to talk to the mayor about potholes, but usually it’s 24/7 rigging. That’s why these meetings are so important. That and the tiny sandwiches.

All the news everywhere, especially the fact-based stuff by the lamestream media, is rigged. In the media, we always know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 7 NFL Picks Rigged By The Lamestream Media” »

Week 6 NFL Picks From The Locker Room

October 14, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Don’t you want me?
You know I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me
– The Human League

In this locker room, when I brag about my week 6 NFL Picks, I am just trying to impress my new campaign manager, Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby and I were talking in the locker room how we are both impressed that the Cleveland Browns brought in Art Briles, who is experienced at covering up sexual assault allegations, to help coordinate the Cleveland Browns offense. This is huge.

donald-trump-bill-cosbyBill Cosby and I both know how to coordinate an offense, believe me.

Don’t believe the media who lie, lie, lie – using my exact words. The media will attack you, slander you, and seek to destroy you with facts in the same way that they slander the 0-5 Cleveland Browns for being a losing team.

These people are vicious liars and they work for Hillary Clinton, or the Pittsburgh Steelers, or the devil – probably all three. I would like to put anyone who thinks that the Cleveland Browns are a bad football team in jail. The way I read the Constitution, it says I am allowed to do just that.

Bill Cosby told me that my assaulting your intelligence by predicting the Browns would beat the New England Patriots last week would work just fine if I then denied that I made such a prediction.

Picking the Browns to beat the Patriots last week… that was just locker room talk.

This week when Tom Brady was asked about me, he showed class by walking out of his press conference. I don’t have that in me. Not class or restraint.

If you ask me about anything, I will attack you and call you names. That’s my thing. It’s what I do.

For instance, I will sue you if you say that I, who always pick the Cleveland Browns to win, picked the Cleveland Browns to win. I deny it, and anyone spreading such slander should expect to hear from my lawyers. Believe me, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 6 NFL Picks From The Locker Room” »

Week 5 NFL Picks Explaining Epic Losses Reported By The NY Times

October 04, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Mental wounds not healing
Who and what’s to blame
I’m goin’ off the rails on a crazy train

– Ozzy Osbourne

The recent New York Times report disclosing that these week 5 NFL picks have chosen the Cleveland Browns, who always lose, to win every week since 1999 proves that I am a brilliant prognosticator.

In fact, many people are saying that I am brilliant for picking the Cleveland Browns, a team that always loses, to always win. It’s got to be obvious to anyone who is not a fat pig with blood coming out of her whatever. I am a brilliant businessman and prognosticator, and the women love me.ny-times-trump

My brain is huge, like my hands, bigger than anyone else’s tiny pathetic loser brain who thinks they see through my bullshit. No one sees through my bullshit. My bullshit is bulletproof. Did I mention I am brilliant?

As my angry butler, Rudy Giuliani, said, picking a team that always loses to always win proves that I am a genius.

Browns.jpgWhile the Browns have lost almost every game since 1999, I have merely been using the laws of our country to my advantage. Sure, the fans, players, and nearby businesses, except for bars frequented by Johnny Manziel, have suffered enormous physical, emotional and financial stress because of my actions and that of the Cleveland Browns.

Check it out. I am so brilliant. My huge brain convinced fans that the Browns had a chance to win because the plumbers, drunks and drug addicts on the team wore NFL-sanctioned uniforms. It’s hilarious, isn’t it?

The Browns, of course, never had a chance to win. So I went to Atlantic City before I bankrupted it, and I bet on the Browns to lose every game from 1999 until now. Let’s face it. I was betting on the team to lose because I like to talk about winning, but I usually win when everyone else loses.

I am brilliant. And I have a huge, very charitable heart. Huge, like my brain and my hands. My genius of picking the Browns to win every week when they lose uniquely qualifies me to know that the 0-4 Cleveland Browns are going to beat the 3-1 New England Patriots. Believe me.browns-biggest-loser

Sure, the Patriots never lose twice in a row, and they just lost. And yes, the greatest quarterback of all time is coming back to play for Patriots while the Browns are playing a third string quarterback with less name recognition than Lindsey Graham. Cody Kessler is not, ahem, Otto Graham.

If this was celebrity apprentice, Tom Brady would be the celebrity and Cody Kessler would be the apprentice.

Tom Brady is my best friend. We do everything together. Like Tom Brady, my junk is tan. I want you to think about that when you go in to vote.

As you ponder that, let me assure you that the Cleveland Browns are going to beat the New England Patriots. I am the only one in the world who knows how they are going to do it.

I’ll tell you this. On defense, they they are going to build a wall. It’s going to be a great wall, and the Patriots are going to pay for it. And on offense, the Browns are going to bomb the shit out of them. Trust me, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 5 NFL Picks Explaining Epic Losses Reported By The NY Times” »

Week 4 NFL Picks Through Trump-Colored Glasses

September 27, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Mental wounds not healing
Who and what’s to blame
I’m goin’ off the rails on a crazy train
– Ozzy Osbourne

These week 4 NFL picks went to a tremendous watch party at the Trump Dive Bar on Liar Street in the sketchy fun part of downtown Bullshitville, where I was served a huge Cleveland Browns word salad and Analytics brand baloney.

Right off I agreed with Mr. Trump that the Cleveland Browns have been getting ripped off in trade deals. “The Carson Wentz trade deal was a disaster,” he said. “Wins went over the border into Pennsylvania because our leaders are idiots. It was a huge disaster.”

I was as undecided going into the debate. But Mr. Trump had me with each loud sniffle. His sniffle reminded me of parties I attended in the 1980s with guys just like him. Okay, I didn’t know anyone like him. But in the 1980s, everyone knew someone like him, am I right?

trump-debates-glueAll I remember about that decade is that Browns quarterback was Bernie Kosar, and he was actually good. It all made me think that maybe I picked the wrong decade to quit sniffing what Mr. Trump is maybe still sniffing. But maybe not. He just looked sniffly. Maybe.

I was thinking a lot about sniffing when Lester Holt tried to say that Mr. Trump was in favor of drafting Kellen Winslow Jr. over Ohio native Ben Roethlisberger. Big Ben was drafted by the Browns bitter rivals, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and has become a superstar. Mr. Trump said told biased Lester Holt that he actually supported selecting Big Ben.

Then Crooked Hillary Clinton held up a photo that she claimed got from “another of Donald’s victims.” The photo was of Mr. Trump giving a motorcycle to Kellen Winslow Jr. that Trump signed, “I hope you drafted by the Cleveland Browns instead of Ben Roethlisberger, who is a loser.”

Fact checkers have pointed out that Winslow ruined his knee early in his career in a motorcycle accident.

Mr. Trump called facts, and fact checkers part of a media conspiracy.

I believed Mr. Trump. He spoke with passion

You know who else speaks with passion? Hue Jackson, coach of the Cleveland Browns. Trust me, said Jackson. I do. I trust Jimmy Haslam too. I am a good judge of character.

Mr. Haslam and Mr. Trump are at least as ethical as each other, maybe even less so. That’s a lot of ethicalness, am I right?

I wasn’t listening when Crooked Hillary pointed out that Cody Kessler played an entire game for the Cleveland Browns without getting hurt, proving that analytics work. “I received an email explaining all of this to me,” she said. “You can read about it on the Wikileaks website.”

I was about to go to this website when Trump interrupted, “Cody Kessler is a loser. He lost.” Again, with the straight talk. I listened further.

Mr. Trump’s plan to get the Cleveland Browns to become a winning team is to win more games. How come no one else has ever thought of this? I like how specific this guy is about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 4 NFL Picks Through Trump-Colored Glasses” »

Week 3 NFL Picks, Birther Edition – Case Closed

September 21, 2016 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Lie to me
And tell me everything is all right
– Johnny Lang

These Week 3 NFL Picks declare that the Cleveland Browns, much like myself, were born in hell, period.

I am not going to answer any questions about my previous 17 years spreading the rumor that the Cleveland Browns were an NFL football team, born in the NFL. They are, instead, the spawn of Satan. I should know. Period.

With my USFL experience torching a team and a league into the ground, I personally approved and perpetuated the great lie that the Cleveland Browns play anything resembling an NFL brand of football. It’s called marketing. It’s hilarious, isn’t it?trump-usfl

I don’t apologize. Many people told me the Browns were an NFL team.

While commentators such as Rachel Maddow and Stephen A. Smith pointed out that actually only person with many voices in his head actually said this about the Browns, I know that you don’t care about facts as long as I say “terrific” or “amazing” or “winner,” talk about a conspiracy, and then gleefully call someone a vile name.

Tom Brady is a winner. He is terrific. He is amazing. Do you understand? The system is rigged. Oh, and Hillary Clinton is like the Cleveland Browns. Yeah, that’s right. That’s an insult that even I think is too low, but I said it anyway.

Did you know that Hillary Clinton started the rumor that the Cleveland Browns were an NFL team? For all you know, this could be true. Believe me, folks, it’s true. No, the Browns aren’t an NFL team. Ha. I mean Hillary started it. Believe me.

trump-helmetHillary started it. Yes, this is first grade again.

My point is, and believe me, I have one, is that if you have believed that the Cleveland Browns have been an NFL team all these years, then you know how bad things are in America.

Yes, I’ve been the one saying it.

The point is, we need to build a wall to keep out Pittsburgh Steelers fans, with their weird way of dressing and their foreign beliefs. I am saying we need to profile fans based on what they wear.

When I become Prognosticator of the United States of America, we’re going to make the Cleveland Browns great again. In fact, I am looking for some low-wage Mexican linebackers. I always said, maybe some of them are good people.

That’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 3 NFL Picks, Birther Edition – Case Closed” »

Week 2 NFL Picks, Cough! – Deplorable

September 13, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

I’m Mr. Bad Example, take a look at me
I’ll live to be a hundred and go down in infamy
– Warren Zevon

Cough! These Week 2 NFL Picks feel dizzy.

Don’t tell the media or anyone. From now on, I will only communicate by email. Call me the email female. I’ve been called worse. I’ve heard you call me worse.

hillary-collapsesMy point is that I am not backing down from when I described all (not half) of Cleveland Browns quarterbacks since 1999 as “a basket of deplorables.”

These quarterbacks have been touchdown-phobic, victory-phobic, health-phobic, you name it. But what they really were was poison to the well being of Cleveland Browns fans who, at this point, would just like to hammer out a peace agreement with the rest of the NFL.

I am not being grossly generalistic. I am being specific about generally gross quarterback play in Northeast Ohio for almost two decades.

It is not hyperbole to call this behavior extremely offensive. There is a track record of this group of people discriminating against fans of the Cleveland Browns. It’s not even subtle, the stuff they do.robert-griffin-iii-hurt

One guy called himself “Johnny Football” while drinking margaritas in the huddle. When Brandon Weeden showed up in Cleveland, he deliberately left his brain in Oklahoma. Tim Couch arrived in town with a name that rhymed with “Ouch.”

The stuff they wear, the flags they fly… it’s all deplorable.

One guy wore a Brady Quinn jersey. Can you imagine?

Catch me! I am so dizzy that I am falling.

I thought I was falling for Robert Griffin III. I was wrong. I was just falling. I know my recent health problems have confused you. It’s really nothing. The lithium-ion batteries that I run on overheated. That is all.

So does that mean these week 2 NFL picks are going up in flames? That could be whatzgonnahapen. Continue reading “Week 2 NFL Picks, Cough! – Deplorable” »

Week 1 NFL Picks By Colin Kaepernick

September 07, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

I shot the sheriff
But I swear it was in self defense
– Bob Marley


You are not getting week 1 NFL picks from Colin Kaepernick until the Cleveland Browns are treated better by the rest of the league.

Look, I know you came here for NFL picks. I can hear the National Anthem as a prelude to the start of the picks. But my brain is in no better shape than Teddy Bridgewater’s knee.Kaepernick

My brain suffered a non-contact injury thinking about the presidential election. It was after my injury that I thought those pig socks were a good idea.

Still, I am glad you are paying attention to me. And I know you want me to protest in a different manner – a manner in which you wouldn’t have to pay attention.

But as I told Hillary Clinton in an email, receiving $12 million to play backup quarterback is my own hardship. But this isn’t about me or any of the clandestine Goldman Sachs work that I’ve done for the Clinton Foundation.

This is about the abuse of lesser teams in our league.

Sure, my 49ers are just as woeful as the Cleveland Browns. I don’t care at all about that. If we can’t make the Cleveland Browns great again, what’s the point of my being a double agent for the man who is as orange as the Browns helmet, Donald Trump?

Yes, that is right. Just as I am half black and half white, I am working for both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton because, with these two as our choice, no lives matter. And the truth is that every day, like you, I change my mind on who I dislike more.

browns jerseyIt’s like trying to pick a Cleveland Browns starting quarterback. There are no good choices and no matter what you do, you know the season is going down in screaming ball of flames.

This is why I am more concerned about the Browns than the 49ers.

If I was concerned about the 49ers, I probably wouldn’t be the lead story on the CBS Evening News. Instead, I am concerned about America – specifically the portion in Northeast Ohio.

Since we are in the season of conspiracy theories, try this one on: I am hoping to force my way out San Francisco so I can go to Cleveland and become the Browns next failed starting quarterback. Pretty good, huh? Someone call Alex Jones.

The National Anthem just ended. It’s time for me to stand up and tell you one more conspiracy theory. When I was working for Trump, I helped Tom Brady deflate those footballs. Then I worked for Clinton and told Roger Goodell.

That’s when he laughed and said, “You’re not going to believe whatzgonnahappen.” Continue reading “Week 1 NFL Picks By Colin Kaepernick” »

2016 NFL Season Picks, Making The Cleveland Browns Great Again

August 09, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

He was taken to task by some critics who asked,
Do you write the words or lyrics first?
– Michael Stanley Band

These 2016 NFL Season Picks are paranoid and frightened of foreigners such as Pittsburgh Steelers fans. They dress funny and have weird beliefs.

Maybe the Eighth Amendment people can do something about this. Right now I am busy using the Fifth Amendment, or maybe it’s a fifth of scotch.

trump cleveland jpgRussia, if you are listening – Can you find a way to make the Cleveland Browns great again?

You may recall that last year, before the winner yelled, “Get him out of here,” I had declared my candidacy for the Republican nomination for Prognosticator of the United States of America.

I thought I had a great strategy. I was going to out-crazy Donald Trump by picking the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl.

And while the Browns finished with one of the worst records in the NFL, I didn’t have a chance once Trump insulted John McCain, the Pope, committed treason while looking at the camera, wondered aloud why he can’t use nuclear weapons, tossed a baby out of a rally, and talked about the options of Second Amendment people.

Even when I when I danced naked with kazoo-playing parrot standing on my head, CNN barely noticed. So I picked the Browns to win the Stanley Cup. Again, crickets.Browns.jpg

While I cheered for an orange-helmeted team, the orange haired demagogue won. He did have one good point about the Browns. They really have been losers.

So I did what a losing candidate does – I grew a beard and went on vacation to Mexico. Hillary Clinton did this in 2008. But I digress.

The point is that I lost all my passport when I was in Tijuana. It’s a long story involving myself, Johnny Manziel, peyote, and an orange-haired mystic who told me, “Have a taco bowl and don’t rape anyone.”

I did what I was told because I was in a country, Mexico, with only one NFL game scheduled for the entire year. Obviously, I wanted to come to America for a better life. So I climbed the wall.

This is a new year. and a new formula here at Whatzgonnahappen.

After evaluating the rewards of writing this, it turns out that this is a political column with an interest in football and an insane belief that the Cleveland Browns are connected to all things in the universe, and they will win every game.

I recently discovered that only four people read this, and those are the voices in my head.

So this year, the season picks are projected records. That is all.

As for each week – only projected scores.

Sorry, but I am busy making America great again. As you should be.

As I was saying, I had to climb over a wall to get here.

It was a beautiful wall, tremendous wall, believe me.

And as soon as I got over the wall, I knew exactly whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “2016 NFL Season Picks, Making The Cleveland Browns Great Again” »

Week 17 NFL Picks Singing Karaoke Into The Sunset

January 02, 2016 By: BT Category: 2015 season

“Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention” – Frank Sinatra

These week 17 NFL picks, on the advice of a singing psychic composed entirely of vodka and makeup, will now take my final curtain.

I am checking in from the Trump & Gun Bowling Lanes, where I always perform karaoke Frank Sinatra.

SinatraRegrets, I’ve had a few. I picked the Browns to win every game. But now the end is near, and instead the Browns have looked quite lame.

So uh yeah, I did it my way.

Stupid. My way.

With that, I would like to say goodbye to this sad referee-tainted, Donald Trump-infested, Mike Pettine-coached season.

America is already great. Get over it. The Cleveland Browns are not great. I am not over it.

So there will be no playoff or Super Bowl picks by me this year. Well okay… I still pick the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl. But as for the rest of the playoffs…

As my both of my loyal readers (Hi Mom & Dad) know, I have picked the Cleveland Browns to win every game since George Washington was President. Every week.

And almost every week since the beginning of this “new” franchise in 1999, the Cleveland Browns have lost. Just about every game.

And I just now realized that this is a one-way relationship.

I like my team. They do not like me. I am loyal to my team. They hate me. How did I not see this before?

I always pick them to win, even in weeks when no one else, not even their own players thought they could win. They could not win. They would not win. They can not win. They never win. Winning is against their nature. They do not like to be nice to me. They like to lose.

So they lose. The following week, I pick them to win again. And what do they do? They lose. Imagine my surprise.

Year after year this happens in a sort of rinse-and-repeat pattern. And I do this year after year.

Well no more. At the Trump & Gun Bowling Lanes karaoke, I met a wise Streisand-singing woman held together, like all the good ones, by vodka and makeup. And she told me that I have been the hostage of a horrible football team long enough.

What a dame. We bowled, we drank, we sang the Captain and Tenille karaoke. She convinced me that the NFL season really was over.

So we checked into a romantic rent-by-the-hour motel room on the wrong side of the tracks. The very last words I remember her saying was, Let them figure out whatzgonnahappen.

Continue reading “Week 17 NFL Picks Singing Karaoke Into The Sunset” »

Week 16 NFL Picks By The Returns Department

December 27, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

She wrote upon it
Return to sender, address unknown
No such address, no such zone

– Elvis Presley

These week 16 NFL picks by the Returns Department see an awful lot of football fans out there in line trying to return their team’s season.

Returns departmentA lot of Browns fans. Familiar faces. I see them every year.

And while I am great friends with Browns fans, things are cool here because I’ve also gotten to know Cowboys fans quite well. And let’s just say that I sure love seeing Ravens fans here.

This is a fun place to work, but I admit there is stress. Some things have a No-Return policy. For instance, Donald Trump. While America is stuck with him, I have had to deal with many unreasonable people who think I’ll take him back.

But just like the football seasons that so many disappointed fans are trying to return, Donald Trump fits under our other policy: You Break It, You Bought It.

That’s just how life works. You’ll see when you stick around to see whatzgonnahappen.

Continue reading “Week 16 NFL Picks By The Returns Department” »