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Week 7 NFL Picks, You Know What You Signed Up For
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Week 7 NFL Picks, You Know What You Signed Up For

October 19, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

These week 7 NFL Picks would like to express some awesome condolences to Cleveland Browns fans for all the losing. If you cheer for the Browns you know what signed up for, but I guess it still hurts.

Sure, every week I tell you they are going to win and every week they lose. I know it was actually me who told you they were going to win, but you signed up for it. Plus if you accuse me of predicting the Browns would win, I’ll deny it.

When you choose to root for that particular NFL team, you have chosen a team that may lose from now until eternity. You don’t see me cheering for the Cleveland Browns, do you?

I root for the New Jersey Generals, because I love generals.

So is this the greatest expression of sympathy ever, or what? I rate it a 10 out of 10. You won’t see Peter King or Mike Florio giving you Browns sympathy like this.

No NFL writer in the history of NFL writing has expressed such tremendous condolences. Not even Mark Twain or Shakespeare, when they covered the NFL, were as sympathetic to the plight of Cleveland Browns fans as me. And the Browns sucked during their eras too.

I know my facts. Hemingway covered the glory years. Other than that, there has been centuries of losing. Pathetic losing. My competition covering the Browns is not Peter King, it is Stephen King.

You know. You cheer for this horror show, right? It’s sad! You’re sad!

Seriously, am I the best or what?

Oh, you ARE sad? Yeah, well. That stinks. I mean it stinks for you.

Your team drafted Brady Quinn, Brandon Weeden and Johnny Manziel, all in the first round all within five years. And they all sucked, and you still root for the team. You know what you signed up for.

So have a great day. I’m now going to forget about your troubles and go golfing. Again and again, that’s whatzonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 7 NFL Picks, You Know What You Signed Up For” »

Week 6 NFL Picks Without Health Insurance

October 15, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Doctor, doctor, give me the news
I’ve got a bad case of loving you
– Robert Palmer

These Week 6 NFL Picks suffer from a pre-existing condition called, Rooting For The Cleveland Browns.

There is no cure. Pharmaceutical companies have invested millions of dollars looking, but to no avail.

So when the President of the United States, working in conjunction with the leadership of the Cleveland Browns, took away the subsidies that pay for the treatment that doesn’t cure me, I was thrilled.

This is all true. None of it is fake news. Everyone knows that the President is obsessed with the NFL, and that he loves Ohio but hates the Browns. He has hated the Browns since he owned the New Jersey Generals and signed Brian Sipe.

And he has been working hard in recent years to make sure the Browns didn’t draft Carson Wentz, and didn’t draft Deshaun Watson, because he hates the Browns.

After convincing Jimmy Haslam that the best guy to run a football team is a baseball guy, the president gutted my health insurance with the NFL-specific purpose of making me suffer because he hates the Browns.

But he didn’t do his research. He can’t make the suffering worse. Can he? Please tell me that’s not whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 6 NFL Picks Without Health Insurance” »

Week 5 NFL Picks, Full of Thoughts & Prayers

October 07, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Every day your memory grows dimmer
It doesn’t haunt me like it did before
I’ve been walking through the mirror to nowhere
Tryin’ to get to heaven before they close the door
– Bob Dylan

These week 5 NFL Picks, having done no research, would like to thank you for your thoughts and prayers after my horrible picks last week when I picked the Cleveland Browns to win.

This week, I am picking Browns. Yes, the Browns again. Every week, I pick the Browns and every week the Browns lose, and then you offer your thoughts and prayers.

Golly, thanks.

You have no idea how comforting that is, or is not. Seriously, you with your thoughts and prayers, who have never cheered for such a team ever, have no idea of this pain. Do you?

And while I have repeatedly asked for your help in learning about football, you said that now was not the time for me to learn the rules of football or what exactly a quarterback does.

That is a conversation for sometime in the future. That is what I have been told ever since I first asked.

Yet every week when I get the picks wrong, people are horrified. 

The Browns, again? Yes, the Browns again.

At this point, I can’t even remember why I am picking the Cleveland Browns to win again after so many horrible losses when my pleas for help are continually ignored. But I do.

It’s what happened, and forever it’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 5 NFL Picks, Full of Thoughts & Prayers” »

Week 4 NFL Picks, Oh Say Can You See?

September 28, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Some folks are born, made to wave the flag,
Oooh, they’re red white and blue
And when the band plays “Hail To The Chief”
Ooo, they point the cannon at you, Lord
– Creedence Clearwater Revival

Before you read these Week 4 NFL Picks, please stand for our national anthem.

Here comes the second paragraph, so please stand again for our national anthem.

Yesterday, going about my daily business I heard the national anthem 4,327 times, from when when the light at the corner turned from red to green, to when I pumped gas and had to pause for our national anthem just after choosing to fill up with unleaded regular.

My favorite football team, the Cleveland Browns, have traditionally played the national anthem before they lose football games. Once last year, they played it before they won, but I think the idea is to play it

before they lose.

 

I have never understood why the national anthem is played before sporting events but not before a movie, or a play or a concert, or…. a goofy football predictions column.

Therefore, please stand for our national anthem before you find out whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 4 NFL Picks, Oh Say Can You See?” »

Week 2 NFL Picks, Curated by Sarah Huckabee Sanders

September 17, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Take this job and shove it
I ain’t working here no more
– Johnny Paycheck

These week 2 NFL picks have been curated by White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who then declared them to be a fireable offense.

I think she said this because last Friday I predicted that the Patriots would lose the game that they lost they day before. The White House, all big Patriots fans, declared my prediction of the actual score from a game that already happened to be fake news, offensive, and a fireable offense.

I thought I was stating facts, but the White House said there are “many sides” to the score of 42-27. It is hard to argue with that.

And so I have just fired myself, at the request of the White House. Instead, I will be filing these columns from Breitbart News, where I have an office next to my new best friend, Steve Bannon, who told me long ago that the President reads Whatzgonnahappen more often than he reads national security reports.

I think that Bannon, like me, is a Cleveland Browns fan and, in fact, an orange nationalist. Well, he may have meant something different when he said, “orange.” Okay, we are not exactly alike.

Like Bannon, I still talk to the President two or three times a week. So when I informed him that I had fired myself, he seemed both pleased and angry with me and added, “I’d like you to be the last person I talk to before I make a decision.” Since he is famous for holding the opinion of the last person he talked to, I agreed.

“So on North Korea,” he said, “You and me. We’ll figure out whatzgonnahappen.” Continue reading “Week 2 NFL Picks, Curated by Sarah Huckabee Sanders” »

Week 1 NFL Picks By A Dreamer

September 10, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

You call me a fool
You say it’s a crazy scheme
But this one’s for real
I already bought the dream
– Steely Dan

These Week 1 NFL Picks, dreaming of a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl, do not understand why anyone wants to send dreamers to Mexico.

Can I get Browns games on TV in Mexico? If not, what good is my dream?

Am I native born? How do I know? I don’t even remember being born. I just know that my nationality is Cleveland Browns fan, and I have been dreaming of a Super Bowl championship for my whole life. Thus, I am a dreamer. No?

But now I am told I have to go to Mexico even though I went to school here and learned all about history, such as Jim Brown and Leroy Kelly and Otto Graham. So tossing me and others like me out seems wrong, almost like moving a team to Baltimore.

Joining the resistance is most likely futile considering that my dreams have been dashed for, well forever.

I am a dreamer whose dreams are now for the Cleveland Browns to move to Mexico City, or something. I am actually unsure of why I am being kicked out of the country. Is it because my dreams have never come true?

Still, NFL Picks like these are a unique job created in America. Is this country seriously going to ship a good job like this to Mexico? Is that whatzgonnahappen? Continue reading “Week 1 NFL Picks By A Dreamer” »

2017 NFL Season Picks – Apocalypse Not Now, Please

September 02, 2017 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

He was taken to task by some critics who asked, Do you write the words or lyrics first?
– Michael Stanley Band

These 2017 NFL season Picks, certain that the Cleveland Browns will win the Super Bowl, if there is a Super Bowl, are afraid of a crazy man on Twitter, whatever Twitter is.

I have heard that World War III is likely to start on this Twitter thing, which would probably cause the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win to be cancelled. That would be sad for Browns fans.

If there isn’t a nuclear war, the second escape hatch from some crazy thing I just heard about called, impeachment, is civil war. I am not good with history but I think this plan has something to do with people attached to a statue of Benedict Arnold.

A civil war might also cause the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win to be cancelled. To reiterate, that would be sad for Browns fans. The Cleveland Browns play in a place officially called, The Factory of Sadness. They do not need any more sadness by not playing in the Super Bowl they are going to win just because of a couple of stupid catastrophic wars.

As you can obviously tell, these 2017 NFL season picks are printed on fine stock paper and have been delivered to your doorstep by my friend named… well never mind about that. He’s not from this country.

This brings me back to Twitter, something I have not seen because I have never been on the Internet. By holding this nice stock of paper in your hands right now, you are probably also the type of person who wonders what Twitter is.

It turns out that a crazy person lives there, right on Twitter.

My friend, Pedro told me that there is a crazy, semi-literate man on Twitter who wants to get rid of people like himself. Did I say Pedro? Never mind about that. Pretend I said name like, I don’t know, how about Donald?

Tom Brady eating grilled unicorn.

Anyway, having heard about this thing called Twitter and this crazy man who uses it during his very emotional 5 a.m. bowel movements, I am even worried about the President of the United States favorite quarterback, Tom Brady.

Tom Brady, on a diet of acorns, seaweed and grilled unicorn, is playing at 40 and has shown zero signs of the aging that has affected every other quarterback in NFL history before they hit his age.

He is the President’s favorite quarterback. So my hope is that the President of the United States can stop the crazy, semi-literate buffoon on Twitter from setting off a nuclear war, which would cancel the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win. I want Cleveland Browns fans to be happy, or at least alive this Super Bowl.

Maybe the President can get the nutjob I heard about off of Twitter. Or maybe he can at least get the sad, failing, fake news, lying’, low-energy, crooked, dopey overrated guy to tweet, “Browns will win Super Bowl. No war, nuclear or civil. I am going to read a book. That’s whatzonnahappen.” Continue reading “2017 NFL Season Picks – Apocalypse Not Now, Please” »

Super Bowl 51 Pick From The Ministry Of Propaganda

January 26, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Super Bowl

Inside the museums,
Infinity goes up on trial
– Bob Dylan

My Super Bowl 51 prediction wizard has the highest IQ of all prediction wizards ever and a crystal ball from Tiffany’s that he received in a tremendous trade deal with a foreign fortune teller.

When I asked the wizard his trade strategy, he said, ”Torture absolutely works.”

sorcererThis is an excellent Super Bowl pick. In this Super Bowl, the Atlanta Falcons are playing the New England Patriots in Houston, Texas. You can think of these as facts.

But alternative facts say that the Cleveland Browns are playing against a team of mean liberal super heroes like Batman and Superman and the Incredible Hulk in an all-gold stadium in the backyard of the White House.

This Super Bowl 51 pick is correct. If things do not happen on your television on February 5 exactly as written here, do not believe your lying eyes. What is written here is truth. What you watched are just facts. These are alternative facts. Much more important, wouldn’t you say?

Remember what the wizard said.

You don’t have to believe me. Many people are saying these things, believe me.

For instance, I know a guy who knows a clairvoyant who is certain that several sorcerers committed sorcerer fraud because they are not actually sorcerers, but just bio-energy therapists with ESP. Okay, one was a warlock, said guy who knows the clairvoyant. Actually, the clairvoyant said that to the guy I know, who told me.

The point is, there is widespread sorcerer fraud. So maybe you shouldn’t trust Las Vegas on this Super Bowl.

I know that many Cleveland Browns fans are suffering from a variety of illnesses from depression to depression to depression, but I had to get rid of all health care in order to make America great again. The replacement plan for Obamacare is called, Suck-It-Up-Buttercup-Care. The main feature is this picture of a puppy.

You still don’t have a clue, do you? About what? Okay, good. Just what I hoped.

Look, there’s a kitten. I’m kidding. I wouldn’t take advantage of the fact that you can’t pay attention. Want to see a puppy?puppy

I know that many Cleveland Browns fans are suffering from a variety of illnesses from depression to depression to depression, but I had to get rid of all health care in order to make America great again. The replacement plan for Obamacare is called, Suck-It-Up-Buttercup-Care. The main feature is this picture of a puppy.

There will be a number of entrepreneurs opening vitamin stores. And alcohol sales will go up, as will sales of snake oil. So don’t be depressed. This is how to create jobs, and lessen the load on America.

But speaking of kittens, I expect this to be a great Super Bowl, until it starts. At that point, you will wish the Cleveland Browns were playing against the New England Patriots. They’d keep the score closer than the loser Falcons. Serious losers. Read on, for more tremendous words about whatzgonnahappen.  Continue reading “Super Bowl 51 Pick From The Ministry Of Propaganda” »

NFL Conference Championship Picks By A Bleak & Glorious Destiny

January 21, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Playoffs

Well there ain’t no time to wonder why
Whoopee, we’re all gonna die
– Country Joe & The Fish

These righteous NFL Conference Championship Picks, hiding from American carnage, would like to point out that for far too long the establishment of good NFL football teams has protected only itself, not the Cleveland Browns.

Trump Fist 1Today’s ceremony has very special meaning. While we are here to celebrate the peaceful transfer of power through the violence and pageantry of two conference championship football games, the real transfer of power begins today, right now, back to the Cleveland Browns, who were great in the 1950s. Because of you, we are going to make the Cleveland Browns great again.

While others teams flourished by playing good football, Browns jerseys of quarterbacks who arrived with great hope and failed in many unique balls of flame, are scattered like tombstones in closets from Parma to Lyndhurst, the salary cap is flush with cash but the the roster is deprived of talent, and drugs have stolen a quarterback and wide receiver of their unrealized potential.

This Cleveland Browns carnage stops right here and right now.brownself.jpg

While the Green Bay Packers are playing the Atlanta Falcons, it’s important to remember we all love green money. I love green money. I am a green money lover.

I also love Tom Brady and Belichick, who told me to work harder than anyone who doesn’t know how to cheat. Plus, we all have the same goal, to eradicate the Pittsburgh Steelers from the face of the winning column.

So to every single NFL fan out there, whether you root for the Cleveland Browns, or if you are a fan of the Browns or even if the Browns are your favorite NFL team, you will never be ignored again. We are all one saluting the same glorious NFL team, and no other. That’s my idea of freedom.

Your voice, your hopes and your dreams have made this moment possible. The time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of action. Together, we will make the Cleveland Browns great again. From this day forward, it’s going to only be the Cleveland Browns first.Trump Fist

We will bring back our wins. We will bring back our bragging. We will bring back our obnoxiousness. Every decision on trade, draft and free agents will be made to benefit the number of wins for the Cleveland Browns. We will follow two simple rules: Win games, and Don’t lose games.

As a bedrock of our politics will be a total allegiance to the Cleveland Browns. When you discover loyalty to the Cleveland Browns, you will discover empathy for the less fortunate. But when the Browns start winning, you will never have to feel empathy again. That’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “NFL Conference Championship Picks By A Bleak & Glorious Destiny” »

2017 NFL Divisional Round NFL Teaching The Controversy

January 13, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Playoffs

And they’re coming to take me away Ha Ha
They’re coming to take me away ho ho he he ha ha
– Napoleon XIV

These Divisional Round NFL Picks were just called fake news by President-Elect Donald Trump. We are not fake news. We teach the controversy.

brady-trumpFor instance, there are many reports out that the Cleveland Browns finished this past season with a 1-15 record. It could have been 1-15. It could have been anything. No really one knows. I say they finished 16-0. So clearly there is a dispute on the facts. A controversy, if you will.

There are a lot of really smart people looking into this but I can tell you one thing for certain: these are fantastic NFL picks.

I have spent so much time studying Tom Brady versus the Houston Texans defense that I had to turn down the honor of being the 90 millionth person asked to perform at the Trump inauguration. He wanted me to perform my original song, “I Want Everything Now,” but I told him he he had to wait until later. When he asked when, I said after he is impeached.

Trying to figure out whether Richard Sherman can contain Julio Jones has consumed me to the point that I have not seen the Wikileaks report on Trump and his taxes. That came out, right?Trump fake news

And while I have been chilling champagne in the anticipation of the Chiefs beating the Steelers, who I hate more than anyone who may have hacked the election and installed a maniac as President, I think I missed when FBI director James Comey said Debbie Wasserman Schultz was a Russian agent.

Finally, I cannot wait for when rookie Dak Prescott and Aaron Rodgers do battle because it should be more entertaining than nuclear war.

Yes, we are worried about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “2017 NFL Divisional Round NFL Teaching The Controversy” »