What's Gonna Happen

2015 NFL Season Picks – Republican Candidate for Prognosticator of the United States

2015 NFL Season Picks, Republican Candidate For Prognosticator Of The United States

July 24, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

These 2015 NFL Season Picks are so outraged at how the world has evolved without me   that I declare my candidacy for the Republican nomination for Prognosticator of the United States of America. I will not be deflated.

Comedy Central Roast of Donald TrumpIn fact, I’m going to out-crazy Donald Trump. I’m picking the Cleveland Browns to catch a wave all the way to the Super Bowl. Immediately I’ve got an ethnic group I’d like to offend – Pittsburgh Steelers fans.

My specific aim is to offend all aspects of common sense by first declaring that last year’s top four teams, the New England Patriots, the Seattle Seahawks, the Green Bay Packers, and Denver Broncos are chumps. Each of those teams lost at least four games. brownselfguitar

I don’t like losers. I like the Cleveland Browns.

So Trump’s got nothing on me in terms of hypocrisy either. As a politician, I find hypocrisy to be an asset. As a football fan, I find it to be a necessity. (See: head injuries)

Every four years when I bombastically run for the Republican nomination, I  turn to the 1950s for inspiration. That’s when the Cleveland Browns were the best team in football, and marriage was only allowed between one miserable man and one miserable woman, who cheered for the same football team because one of the two decided it should be so. (And then they raised their children to cheer for the same now-miserable team. Sigh.)

Now a miserable man can marry another miserable man. And they can cheer for different NFL teams. Same with two miserable women. Two different football teams in the same marriage? This is madness. It’s time to stop this government-sanctioned  expansion of lifetime suffering, and go back to the old definition of marriage – one football team per household.Jeb

HillaryWhile there are about 20 of us outraged and sanctimonious Republicans running, I hope to be the most sanctimonious after Rick Santorum, because no one can outgoogle Santorum. Not even my personal hero and role model, Johnny Manziel.

Speaking of Johnny Football, I needed a campaign logo so I purchased the Johnny Manziel money sign on ebay for $5.93. It is now on my campaign sign just like that Money Manzielgoofy Hillary arrow, and the designed-by-a-girl-in-junior-high, “Jeb!”  And mine is true. I really need money. For beer. Um, campaign beer.

Unfortunately, it will take more than a lowest-common-denominator logo to win this race. That is why I want a strong defense, and I want to toss many, many bombs at the enemy.

People tell me Iran is an enemy. I don’t know. I run for office and I’m not worried. Iran, I run. All I know is one of these is American,and the other needs an NFL team.

Which leads me to my foreign policy to help drive America’s economic engine. America should cut American taxes and then buy Greece, make it our 51st state, and then move the Jacksonville Jaguars to Athens and watch those Greek NFL dollars save our 51st state, and thus our other 50.

If there were NFL teams in Kabul and Baghdad, there would be peace on Earth. ISIS is just a bunch of frustrated football fans without a team. Maybe the Jacksonville Jaguars should move to Baghdad. I have many ideas on how the NFL can save the world, and in the end they all involve the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl.

We are living at the end of times. By that, I  mean the end of the time when the Cleveland Browns have not won a Super Bowl  Obviously, I am a very religious candidate. I pray daily to the empty suit of Roger Goodell. I always defer to a power greater than myself when it comes to Whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “2015 NFL Season Picks, Republican Candidate For Prognosticator Of The United States” »

Super Bowl 49 Pick By The NFL Prophet of Belichickistry, Deflated McGee

January 23, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 Playoffs, Super Bowl

Inside the museums,
Infinity goes up on trial
- Bob Dylan

This Super Bowl 49 prediction is by certified NFL prophet, Deflated McGee. I have decided to start the world’s next great religion, Belichickistry.

belichickistryI have no explanation for what happened. But if you’d like to get in on the ground floor of a new religion, listen up. I am interviewing for disciples every day next week in Arizona. If you’d like to be a disciple and want a have great chance at a book contract with thousands of years of royalties, you also should have no explanation for what happened.

For now, I bring you word of a gambler’s paradise, a place so devoid of scruples that the lack of scruples is praised in taverns throughout this land as being extremely scrupulous. The land I speak of is, of course, New England.

I am Deflated McGee, a prophet with deflated balls. Even my crystal balls are deflated. But it matters not. For I am offering spiritual guidance to all of my gambling followers. I am a prophet for profit.

I am not The One, merely a conduit – telling all I have learned in my journey to conference with a spirit beyond – yes, the spirit of a Bill Belichick press conference.Pabst

So when you take your required pilgrimage of Belichickistry to the refrigerator for the first of your sacred ceremonial Pabst Blue Ribbons, please pause a moment to pay homage to my certification as a high-level prophet. I was certified in Las Vegas by prophet-maker Johnny Manziel and his quarterback coach, Jack Daniels.

It was in a Vegas bathroom with Manziel and a rolled up $20 bill that I first heard the phrase, “I have no explanation for what happened.”  Right then, I knew one thing. It was time for me, as a fledgling prophet, to start the world’s next great religion, Belichickistry.  This new religion legitimizes Johnny Manziel.

It is so simple, based on a zen-like focus that allows one to do literally anything as long you never ever stray from the script of, “I have no explanation for what happened.”

A Belichickistry world is my vision of utopia. If my predictions are wrong, I have no explanation for what happened.

deflated footballBut it extends far beyond me and my future reputation as a prophet trying to compete with the established religious brands. Belichickistry is a religion that can save you a lot of trouble up front. All those other religions have that stuff about being nice, whereas Belichickistry is a religion of ignorance as explanation. Anyone willing to offer “no explanation for what happened” can join this religion.

I am Deflated McGee, and I am a NFL prophet. One more thing. Don’t go drawing any cartoons of me. If you do, you know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Super Bowl 49 Pick By The NFL Prophet of Belichickistry, Deflated McGee” »

NFL Conference Championship Picks By FOX News

January 17, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 Playoffs

There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold
And she’s buying a stairway to heaven
- Led Zeppelin

Boo!  Hi, I am Megyn Gretchen with your FOX News NFL Conference Championship Picks, just in case you haven’t been killed yet.

Lombardi TrophyLet’s go to my guest, the craziest person my producers could find, to bring some perspective to this discussion. But before we get to Skip Bayless…

Boo! Or, if you are a Cleveland Browns fan, Johnny Manziel!

I’m Megyn Gretchen. Look, I have legs!FOX News

So Andrew Luck, Russel Wilson, Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers are playing this weekend, yet no one is talking about Benghazi. This goes to show you about the bias of the mainstream media.

And did you know that Obama tells the referees to make bad decisions because he’s a socialist who wants to spread the wealth around? Well, it’s as true as anything else I have ever told you. So if you believe that, you probably believe this is whatzgonnahappen.  Continue reading “NFL Conference Championship Picks By FOX News” »

NFL Divisional Playoff Picks By An Offensive Cartoon

January 08, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 Playoffs

Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
- John Lennon

These NFL Divisional Playoff picks are from the prophet Mohammed (Muhammad’s drunk twin brother), who was wrong when he predicted the Cleveland Browns would win this year’s Super Bowl.

Prophet Muhammad loves the Cleveland BrownsWhen the prophet Mohammed told a Cleveland homeless guy – I think his name is Elmer – that drafting Johnny Manziel was a divine intoxicated idea, Mohammed and Elmer the homeless guy were wrong. Right then, both should quit vodka.

Not Manziel, though. He needs more vodka. I’ve once heard myself say maybe he plays better when he’s drunk. He certainly didn’t when I was.

So anyway, I have been told that most people who believe in the prophet Mohammed say that he never picked the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl. I was asked if I was insulting enough to think that the prophet Mohammed is the kind of an idiot who would pick the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl?

I shrugged.

Don’t lump us in with those few knuckleheads who have no idea what the prophet Mohammed actually said, said the great majority of voices in my head.

I was told that the prophet Mohammed made clear in his best-selling book that one of the teams below (not the Browns) will be the Super Bowl champ this year.

Please don’t shoot the messenger just because you don’t like whatzgonnahappen Continue reading “NFL Divisional Playoff Picks By An Offensive Cartoon” »

Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks From Your New Year’s Resolutions

January 01, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 Playoffs

Every year is getting shorter
Never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught
Or half a page of scribble lines
- Pink Floyd

These Wildcard Weekend NFL picks hereby resolve to be nice. We are dieting too. Oh hell – you are a jerk, and we want pie.

Okay, how about this… We resolve to pick the Cleveland Browns to win this weekend. They will not lose, say we. We will lose… weight. We are dieting.

Stephen A. Smith & Skip Bayless love the BrownsNo? Well how about resolve to resolve to learn about sports, and not just rely on Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless for our opinions. Yeah, everyone loves that one.

We are on a roll. We resolve that all the money that we win on the bet we bet we made on the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl will be invested in Johnny Manziel-Brand Vodka. The vodka is destined to be a success. The Browns, not so much.

About that. We still resolve that we believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win this year’s Super Bowl. And that’s why my New Year’s resolutions fail by January 1st of every year.

So let me eat this cake, and this pie, and tell you and every other moron out there whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks From Your New Year’s Resolutions” »

Week 17 NFL Picks By The Sony Hackers

December 27, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Under my thumb
The girl who once had me down
Under my thumb
The girl who once pushed me around
- The Rolling Stones

These week 17 NFL Picks have hacked the NFL standings and now the Cleveland Browns are undefeated. Yeah, we’re crazy serious!

We can do anything. Johnny Manziel is now officially a giant among men. That’s right. Don’t mess with us!

So Patriots fans, Seahawks fans, Packers fans…. sorry, but your Internet is down. Plus, and this is crucial for understanding us… We love exclamation points!

Here is a picture of Otto Graham. Otto Graham

Use google, you doofuses! You’ll figure out that great football is Cleveland Browns football. Nothing else matters, certainly not the movie, “Draft Day,” which we should have hacked. But we like the movie, “Giant” because it is about Johnny Manziel.

One more thing. Happy Holidays. Sorry but nothing that you got for Christmas works. Certainly not Johnny Manziel!

And another thing. We’re not North Korean and the Browns aren’t really undefeated. This is  surprising to you, and especially to us.

We are Cleveland-based sports hackers. We can prove it. Although we still don’t have the NFL code figured out, we did the code for Lebron James. You didn’t think that would work, did you?

Okay, that’s not true either. The truth is that we actually work for Justin Bieber. Dude loves vandalism, and he’s a big fan of Johnny Football. He is certain by next year that we’ll have this NFL code figured out.

In one year, Johnny Manziel will lead the Browns to the Super Bowl and Justin Bieber will be the halftime show. This is true. Only a real hack would declare that that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 17 NFL Picks By The Sony Hackers” »

Week 16 NFL Picks From Your Crazy Drunk Uncle

December 21, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Now the family is crazy
And they’re out of their minds
They kick it up a notch at Christmastime
- Steve Shook & The Elftones

These week 16 NFL picks have given you each vodka for Christmas. You are going to be a big hit in third grade, Jimmy! I did this because each one of you is a Cleveland Browns fan.

Browns at ChristmasI can hear you, Jimmy. No, it’s not illegal for you if no one finds out. Just don’t tell your teacher. Do you think Johnny Manziel told his coach he never read the playbook? Of coursse not, Jimmy. Go to school like a Brown!

Just say you decided to be outgoing in January. That’s all she needs to know. One other thing, Jimmy. If you think of Johnny Manziel, don’t vomit when the room starts spinning.

Now, Grandma, of course I’d love to hear you sing “Born To Be Wild.” And yes, the Johnny Manziel jersey helps. In fact, I need a video of this.

And Bob, my least favorite cousin, family member, and human being, I love you. But if you tell me once more, while wearing that Steelers jersey, everything you learned on FOX News, you get no more vodka from me. It’s the Steelers jersey that offends me the most. No touch with reality, dude. You are a moron. I love you! Idiot.

So while you each open your Christmas vodka and we begin our tradition of screaming at each other like my nine ex-wives scream at me and scream at each of their nine ex-husbands, I’d like to thank all of you who I love so much to remember the passionate immortal words of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell: “I didn’t see anything.”

In other words, what happens at Christmas stays at Christmas. Yep, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 16 NFL Picks From Your Crazy Drunk Uncle” »

Week 15 NFL Picks By the Short & Tortured

December 10, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Don’t want no short people
Round here
- Randy Newman

These Week 15 NFL Picks are smaller than any accusations about us – whether by Marvin Lewis or Diane Feinstein. We are small just like our heroes, Johnny Manziel and the CIA.

Sure, we are exciting. But that’s because we are sneaky and slippery – and made for Hollywood. Just like Johnny Manziel, and the CIA.

Johnny FootballYes, news is out that we have tortured our opponents, just like Manziel did in college and the CIA did a decade ago. While the CIA is saying it does not torture any more, and many are saying that Manziel can’t torture anyone in the NFL, we say torture by the arrogant and disrespected is, quite frankly, to be expected.

In his own words, Johnny Manziel has said (well, texted) that he’s going to “wreck this league.” And that was before Marvin Lewis made light of Manziel’s shortish stature. So guess who gets wrecked first.

And the CIA, whose primary job used to be to lie, is saying they don’t torture. So that’s believable, right?

Everything the CIA does is with the justification of stopping a hypothetical ticking time bomb. Johnny Football is no longer hypothetical, and when he throws bombs to Josh Gordon, the enemy is expected to be fearful about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks By the Short & Tortured” »

Week 14 NFL Picks Having Trouble Breathing

December 04, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you
- The Police

These Week 14 NFL picks can’t breath! These Week 14 NFL picks can’t breath! Once more…  These week 14 NFL picks can’t breath!

That’s how a Cleveland Browns season always ends. The people choking it won’t listen.

Manziel and Hoyer I can't breathWe’ve been holding our breath while the Cleveland Browns vacillated between Brian Hoyer and Johnny Manziel. We have tried telling the people in charge, but they had no concern about all the quarterback controversies that have killed so many seasons in the past.

It’s just another Cleveland Browns season, seems to be the thinking. It’s not like it’s as valuable as, say, a New England Patriots season or a Dallas Cowboys season, right? When it happens to the Browns, no one really notices or cares if it happens again.

But we noticed. We screamed that we can’t breath, and yet Manziel versus Hoyer happened.
The team has always done this to me, but this… right in front of everybody, and then acting like it’s no big deal?

Really? Even non-Browns fans can’t breath. Hardly any Americans can breath any more in an atmosphere where it seems no one knows whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 14 NFL Picks Having Trouble Breathing” »

Week 13 NFL Picks Thankful In A Cool Blue Uniform Not To Be Indicted

November 26, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

I saw a butterfly in hell today
Will I die or go to jail today
- Lil Wayne

These week 13 NFL Picks put on a this cool blue uniform to give thanks for not being charged by a grand jury for picking the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl for each of the last 15 years.

I admitted to it, and there is evidence all over the place that it happened.Turkey police

But the grand jury in its wisdom decided that I picked the Browns to win all those Super Bowls in self defense. I said that I had no choice, and they chose to believe me because I have a cool blue uniform. I couldn’t believe it. I told them that each time I fired off a Super Bowl prediction, I felt that my life was in danger because the season was charging at me.

BrownsSo you know what I did this year, don’t you? I picked the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl again because, screw it, I can do whatever I want. Sure, there are witnesses who saw me pick the Browns all those other years. So?

I did it again because I claim I was scared when I did it. The season was charging at me like a demon.

Did you see how I used the words “charging at me” with such effect? I’ve learned if you use those words and you wear a cool blue uniform, you can do whatever you want.

But you’ve got to wear a cool blue uniform, which is about the same as wearing a blue Dallas Cowboys uniform in the 1990s and hanging out with Michael Irvin, or a blue New York Giants uniform in the 1980s and hanging out with Lawrence Taylor. With a blue uniform anything goes.

However, if you don’t wear a cool blue uniform, you have to obey the law and even some made-up ones by people wearing cool blue uniforms. If you do wear a cool blue uniform, you can do whatever you want and no one cares whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks Thankful In A Cool Blue Uniform Not To Be Indicted” »