I did not want to climb up this damn mountain for your Super Bowl XLVIII pick. I am guru-phobic. Plus I am scared of heights, which is why I choose not to participate in the Olympics.
I had just taken a sip of tea when Maharishi Richard Sherman told Erin Andrews that he is the best guru in the world. That is why I climbed this mountain to ask the guru, “Which team will win Super Bowl XLVIII?”
The guru said that I should not try him with such a sorry question, and then he yelled, “Don’t you ever talk about me!”
Visiting a guru on a mountaintop is the last place I expected to be. But after I by-mistake stole a fortune teller’s tea leaves because I was craving tea, she put a curse on me – which is why I root for the Cleveland Browns, instead of the Denver Broncos or Seattle Seahawks.
But when the fortune teller refused to reveal the details of Super Bowl XLVIII without her tea leaves, I wasn’t worried because I was positive that my crystal ball would work. Or my time machine. I felt confident, from previous experiences at Walmart and Target, that these products would work for a solid two weeks, maybe three.
The problem with having a lot of tea leaves, though, is that you inevitably throw a tea party and the next thing you know you find yourself hanging out with the kind of people who go to a tea party.
Whoa, don’t look down.
You see, the reason I am here on this mountaintop is that my crystal ball was borrowed by my tea party friends, who smashed it to pieces in order to prove how much they loved it. My other tea party friends convinced me to tune my time machine into Fox News, which kept sending the time machine straight to Armageddon. I had to put the thing in a junkyard.
Tea is very dangerous, a gateway drug. That’s how I ended up at that gateway to the top of the world talking to a self-confident guru.
I did get an answer, after he processed my credit card and did a touchdown dance. And I knew he really was the best guru in the world when he said, “How the hell would I know whatzgonnappen?” Continue reading “Super Bowl XLVIII Pick With The Best Mountaintop Guru In The World” »