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Week 17 NFL PIcks Singing Karakoe Into The Sunset
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2016 NFL Season Picks, Making The Cleveland Browns Great Again

August 09, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

These 2016 NFL Season Picks are paranoid and frightened of foreigners such as Pittsburgh Steelers fans. They dress funny and have weird beliefs.

Maybe the Eighth Amendment people can do something about this. Right now I am busy using the Fifth Amendment, or maybe it’s a fifth of scotch.

trump cleveland jpgRussia, if you are listening – Can you find a way to make the Cleveland Browns great again?

You may recall that last year, before the winner yelled, “Get him out of here,” I had declared my candidacy for the Republican nomination for Prognosticator of the United States of America.

I thought I had a great strategy. I was going to out-crazy Donald Trump by picking the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl.

And while the Browns finished with one of the worst records in the NFL, I didn’t have a chance once Trump insulted John McCain, the Pope, committed treason while looking at the camera, wondered aloud why he can’t use nuclear weapons, tossed a baby out of a rally, and talked about the options of Second Amendment people.

Even when I when I danced naked with kazoo-playing parrot standing on my head, CNN barely noticed. So I picked the Browns to win the Stanley Cup. Again, crickets.Browns.jpg

While I cheered for an orange-helmeted team, the orange haired demagogue won. He did have one good point about the Browns. They really have been losers.

So I did what a losing candidate does – I grew a beard and went on vacation to Mexico. Hillary Clinton did this in 2008. But I digress.

The point is that I lost all my passport when I was in Tijuana. It’s a long story involving myself, Johnny Manziel, peyote, and an orange-haired mystic who told me, “Have a taco bowl and don’t rape anyone.”

I did what I was told because I was in a country, Mexico, with only one NFL game scheduled for the entire year. Obviously, I wanted to come to America for a better life. So I climbed the wall.

This is a new year. and a new formula here at Whatzgonnahappen.

After evaluating the rewards of writing this, it turns out that this is a political column with an interest in football and an insane belief that the Cleveland Browns are connected to all things in the universe, and they will win every game.

I recently discovered that only four people read this, and those are the voices in my head.

So this year, the season picks are projected records. That is all.

As for each week – only projected scores.

Sorry, but I am busy making America great again. As you should be.

As I was saying, I had to climb over a wall to get here.

It was a beautiful wall, tremendous wall, believe me.

And as soon as I got over the wall, I knew exactly whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “2016 NFL Season Picks, Making The Cleveland Browns Great Again” »

Week 17 NFL Picks Singing Karaoke Into The Sunset

January 02, 2016 By: BT Category: 2015 season

“Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again, too few to mention” – Frank Sinatra

These week 17 NFL picks, on the advice of a singing psychic composed entirely of vodka and makeup, will now take my final curtain.

I am checking in from the Trump & Gun Bowling Lanes, where I always perform karaoke Frank Sinatra.

SinatraRegrets, I’ve had a few. I picked the Browns to win every game. But now the end is near, and instead the Browns have looked quite lame.

So uh yeah, I did it my way.

Stupid. My way.

With that, I would like to say goodbye to this sad referee-tainted, Donald Trump-infested, Mike Pettine-coached season.

America is already great. Get over it. The Cleveland Browns are not great. I am not over it.

So there will be no playoff or Super Bowl picks by me this year. Well okay… I still pick the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl. But as for the rest of the playoffs…

As my both of my loyal readers (Hi Mom & Dad) know, I have picked the Cleveland Browns to win every game since George Washington was President. Every week.

And almost every week since the beginning of this “new” franchise in 1999, the Cleveland Browns have lost. Just about every game.

And I just now realized that this is a one-way relationship.

I like my team. They do not like me. I am loyal to my team. They hate me. How did I not see this before?

I always pick them to win, even in weeks when no one else, not even their own players thought they could win. They could not win. They would not win. They can not win. They never win. Winning is against their nature. They do not like to be nice to me. They like to lose.

So they lose. The following week, I pick them to win again. And what do they do? They lose. Imagine my surprise.

Year after year this happens in a sort of rinse-and-repeat pattern. And I do this year after year.

Well no more. At the Trump & Gun Bowling Lanes karaoke, I met a wise Streisand-singing woman held together, like all the good ones, by vodka and makeup. And she told me that I have been the hostage of a horrible football team long enough.

What a dame. We bowled, we drank, we sang the Captain and Tenille karaoke. She convinced me that the NFL season really was over.

So we checked into a romantic rent-by-the-hour motel room on the wrong side of the tracks. The very last words I remember her saying was, Let them figure out whatzgonnahappen.

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Week 16 NFL Picks By The Returns Department

December 27, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

She wrote upon it
Return to sender, address unknown
No such address, no such zone

– Elvis Presley

These week 16 NFL picks by the Returns Department see an awful lot of football fans out there in line trying to return their team’s season.

Returns departmentA lot of Browns fans. Familiar faces. I see them every year.

And while I am great friends with Browns fans, things are cool here because I’ve also gotten to know Cowboys fans quite well. And let’s just say that I sure love seeing Ravens fans here.

This is a fun place to work, but I admit there is stress. Some things have a No-Return policy. For instance, Donald Trump. While America is stuck with him, I have had to deal with many unreasonable people who think I’ll take him back.

But just like the football seasons that so many disappointed fans are trying to return, Donald Trump fits under our other policy: You Break It, You Bought It.

That’s just how life works. You’ll see when you stick around to see whatzgonnahappen.

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Week 15 NFL Picks by Ebeneezer Scrooge, Cleveland Browns Fan

December 19, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch

– The Grinch Who Stole Christmas

These week 15 NFL Picks by Ebeneezer Scrooge, Cleveland Browns fan, have already seen three ghosts and a Donald Trump speech, but nothing scares me. I still hate Christmas.

ScroogeI believe Christmas is the only thing Donald Trump does not hate. But I digress.

The ghosts I saw were Browns failed first round pick Braylon Edwards, Browns failed first round pick Courtney Brown, and Browns failed first round pick Justin Gilbert. None of them are in the NFL anymore.brownselfguitar

What? Gilbert is still currently on the Browns? Okay, now I’m scared.

So as you stare at the photo of my hero, Art Modell, and my other hero, Dick Cheney, you should know that I do have the Christmas spirit when it comes to Tiny Tim Cratchet.

I hope he plays a good game at quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. Yep, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks by Ebeneezer Scrooge, Cleveland Browns Fan” »

Week 14 NFL Picks Not Letting Cleveland Browns Fans Into The USA

December 13, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

Whatever you’re looking for
Hey! Don’t come around here no more
– Tom Petty

These week 14 NFL Picks say that until we can figure out what is going on with the Cleveland Browns situation, which may take forever, no more Browns fans should be allowed to enter the United States.

Donald Drumpf, Browns fan opponentIn fact, I’d like to send them all back to Cleveland.

I don’t like what they wear. I don’t like how they talk.

Johnny Football? Really?

See, I like Tom Brady because he cheats, and wins. Those people like Johnny Manziel because he drinks and loses.

Those people – and yes, I called them “those people” because I am not politically correct – cheer for a team that has not been good since Ronald Reagan was president.Browns

Now I love Ronald Reagan, but let’s face it, letting the Cleveland Browns be good was a huge mistake. Huge.

So yeah, I just insulted Reagan. Deal with it, losers!

Oh, and vote for me because when I am president, things will be so fantastic for some people that you seriously won’t believe whatzgonnahappen.

Continue reading “Week 14 NFL Picks Not Letting Cleveland Browns Fans Into The USA” »

Week 13 NFL Picks From The Apocalypse

December 06, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

And you tell me
Over and over and over again, my friend
Ah, you don’t believe
We’re on the eve of destruction
– Barry McGuire

These Week 13 NFL Picks come to you from the Biblical end of time. War, flood, famine – Johnny Manziel on the bench.

The Book of Namath; 3.16 says, “If the one known as Johnny Football stays on the bench, the Cleveland Browns will continue to suck. So just give up.”

the end of Browns season is nearSome Bible passages can be quite surprising.

Speaking of surprising, we heard on FOX News that the coach of the Cleveland Browns will not even utter the words, “Radical it’s chronic errorism.”

It is sad how politically correct this the coach has become by refusing to name the enemy that is leading this season to the brink of apocalypse.

This coach instead tries to shift the focus to climate change, and then he blames his small, lying drinking celebrity quarterback for that climate.

So sure, climate change is the problem. The Cleveland Browns need a climate change.Johnny Apocalypse

The small, lying, drinking celebrity quarterback is not the problem. The mistakes are the problem. And now, here we are, closing in soon on the end of the season.

Yet another apocalypse. Yawn. Wake me when it’s over.

Until then, all the prophets know whatzgonnahappen.

Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks From The Apocalypse” »

Week 12 NFL Picks By A Turkey Who Wants Revolution

November 25, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
– The Beatles

These Week 12 NFL picks by a turkey suggest that all turkeys are Cleveland Browns fans, just as all Browns fans are turkeys.

Stick with me here, because this is about to get newsy. So, you know how Turkey just shot down a Russian fighter jet?

turkey revolution, because of MomDo you think it is a coincidence that this happened just before Thanksgiving?

Turkey. Violence against humans… you do the math.

We are turkeys, and we are pissed.

Plus (speaking of math) we hate your little thankful holiday where you all sit around and pretend that you don’t have decades old grievances simmering inside.

You want to know about a grievance? First pass the gravy because my family is about to have your Mom for dinner. How’s that feel, pilgrim?

Here’s a grievance worse than seeing your relatives served with cranberry sauce – this week the Cleveland Browns benched the greatest quarterback who  ever lived, Johnny Manziel. And yet, in the now famous video that cost him his job, Johnny Manziel was nowhere near any kind of turkey, even Wild Turkey.

Meanwhile, the people who run the Browns have been called turkeys, but that’s an insult to turkeys. So you can see how this has all built up to this moment.

All I can say is happy Thanksgiving to you and your family (well, except your Mom), from me and my family (well, except generations of relatives). We don’t know how this is going to end but it’s safe to say that at this time of year we’re afraid of whatzgonnahappen.

Continue reading “Week 12 NFL Picks By A Turkey Who Wants Revolution” »

Week 11 Picks Refusing Refugees of Browns Fans

November 20, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

Somewhere, somehow, somebody
Must have kicked you around some
Tell me why you want to lay there
And revel in your abandon
– Tom Petty

These week 11 NFL Picks, after consulting with governors of the 31 other teams, have decided not to accept Cleveland Browns fans as refugees.

Yes, we have seen the pictures of their despair. And we understand that cheering for almost any other NFL team would improve the lives of these folks immensely, and spare them weekly torture based on their religion.

But frankly, these people can’t be trusted.

Browns refugeesThey have been second-class citizens for so long that some Browns fans, we’re sure, are liable to have a Brady Quinn flashback, or worse yet, a Charlie Frye flashback in the middle of a perfectly fine NFL game. Can you imagine the type of havoc a disgruntled Browns fan could cause at something like a New England Patriots party?

No? Okay, allow us to imagine it for you and then tell you about it 24 hours a day on our cable news channel, FUX News.

We are, in fact, so fearful of these Cleveland Browns refugee fans that we’re with candidate Donald Trump when he suggested that all of them be forced to wear an orange helmet on their clothing.

We understand that this crisis has been a long time coming and that it was our own actions of allowing the team to move to Baltimore that started this. But these are the consequences of a displaced people who find they have nowhere to go except anywhere else.

Browns fans have not cheered for an actual NFL team for decades, therefore they are different and suspicious. Because of them, we are continually worried about whatzgonnahappen.

Continue reading “Week 11 Picks Refusing Refugees of Browns Fans” »

Week 10 NFL Picks by Campus Protesters

November 13, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

We don’t need no education
We don’t need no thought control
– Pink Floyd

These Week 10 NFL Picks from the campus of Cleveland Browns University demand that everyone step down who runs this sorry excuse for a college. I have been here for decades, and I have not learned anything.

Cleveland Browns University protestsThis offends me.

I am so offended that I wanted my football team to go on strike. But it turns out that the football team at Cleveland Browns University is already on strike.

From what I have heard, they don’t like to play football.

So I talked to my bartender/professor about this. Here at Cleveland Browns University, bars count as classrooms.

This explains the curriculum.

My professor said “It is what it is” and then he assigned me to think about this for a long time.

But I felt a need to take action, which is why I am chanting next to that guy over there with his 12th-generation “The End Is Near” sign.

He knows whatzgonnahappen.

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Week 9 NFL Picks By Peace On Earth

November 05, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
– John Lennon

These Week 9 NFL Picks are bought to you by Peace On Earth, which, just like the Cleveland Browns defense, does not exist.

But since I am Peace on Earth, I have made a ruling in the Russian Airliner disaster, which was, in the words of David Cameron, “more likely than not” caused by a bomb.

Peace on Earth“More likely than not” is the same phrase that the NFL used when it accused Tom Brady of cheating. More likely than not Tom Brady had something to do with underinflated footballs, said the NFL. And then they tried to suspend Tom Brady for four games.

Therefore, we suspend ISIS for four wars.

That should work, right?

And since we are Peace On Earth, we need to address the saddest peaceful place on Earth, a place with an actual factory of sadness, manufacturing reams sadness on a weekly basis.

That’s not peaceful. That’s mean.Jonathan Q. Football

But to the rescue of the city of Cleveland comes one Jonathan Q. Football, better known as Johnny Football, who is the kind of hard working, hard drinking hero a town like Cleveland needs. Wait, Cleveland’s hero doesn’t drink? All its fans do. Ah, no wonder the factory of sadness is the last factory still standing in town..

Well, as Peace on Earth, I say that factory of sadness should be torn down, and a factory of happiness should be built instead. Yes, I am Peace on Earth and, as you may have already figured out, what I want to happen is not whatzgonnahappen.

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