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Week 12 NFL Picks By An Immigration of Browns Fans
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Week 12 NFL Picks By An Immigration of Browns Fans

November 19, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

These week 12 NFL Picks have come to America with a dream to see the Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl. Thankfully, the Prognosticator of the United States of America has issued an executive order to make my dream come true.

BrownsSo here I am in America, working the job you wish you had if you had really dumb wishes. I came here from the old country, and I do the hard work – what needs to be done. No one else would lower themselves to root for the Cleveland Browns for the last 20 years as I’ve done. People walk by and laugh. So what, I think. I am in America.immigration of Browns fans

I was once deported. Actually, the Cleveland Browns were deported to Baltimore and somehow returned to Cleveland three years later. I do not understand American laws, which are never fair. Sometimes that is good. Sometimes that is bad.

But now, by executive order, the Cleveland Browns are going to win the Super Bowl because of something called The Dream Act. I love living in America because I watch FOX News, which is a defender of all immigrants who got here two hundred years ago and most immigrants who got here 100 years ago. Two hundred years ago is when the Cleveland Browns last won an NFL championship, according to my Texas schoolbook, from which I learn everything.

As an immigrant, I get confused by American traditions. For instance, why doesn’t everyone root for the Cleveland Browns? If you lived in my old country and you didn’t root for the Cleveland Browns, you really wouldn’t want to know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 12 NFL Picks By An Immigration of Browns Fans” »

Week 11 NFL Picks From a Comet Full Of Stupid People

November 13, 2014 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Whoever we are
Wherever we’re from
We shoulda noticed by now
Our behavior is dumb
- Frank Zappa

These week 11 Picks are one chromosome short of the surface of a comet, where our German telescope can see the future of the NFL. You believe this because you are American and you don’t know anything about science. Plus you love to gamble.

cometSpeaking of gambling, we’ve invited a New England Patriots fan and and MIT professor Jonathan Gruber, who helped engineer Obamacare for stupid people, to obscure the factBrownss of these predictions with spin that will impress stupid people, and by “stupid people,” we mean you if you don’t root for the Cleveland Browns.

The audience for these NFL picks, we’ve noticed, has a high tolerance for leaving the page and never coming back – unless they are brilliant Cleveland Browns fans. It’s not that we’re being condescending, it’s just that we’re pretty sure you have no idea what we’re talking about and even though we don’t either, it doesn’t matter.

Our satellite is sitting on this comet and whether you like it or not – we’re too dumb to notice – we really can see into the future of whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 11 NFL Picks From a Comet Full Of Stupid People” »

Week 10 NFL Picks from the Perpetual Campaign State of Ohio

November 05, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season, Uncategorized

I went back to Ohio
But my city was gone
- The Pretenders

These Week 10 NFL Picks come from Hillary Clinton’s new condo in the battleground state of Ohio, where Cleveland versus Cincinnati shall define the future of the world for the next several years.

Browns versus BengalsOhio, of course, is THE bellwether state – being a virtual little America with all of the elements of big America. And Cleveland versus Cincinnati encompasses all of that. If Ohio is like America, think of Cincinnati as Alabama and Cleveland as Massachusetts. One of these places is smarter than the other.

And while both of these Ohio cities have professional football teams, neither one is the best professional football team in the state. That would be the team in the city of Columbus, the Ohio State Buckeyes, who don’t have to deal with the restrictions of the NFL salary cap. They can pay players whatever they want.

But on Thursday, the Buckeyes don’t play. It’s the Browns versus the Bengals in a game that is, in the words of Lebron James, probably the most important football game ever.

The winner of this game will determine the winner of the presidential election in 2016 when either the Republicans will carry the day with their slogan, “Four More Wars!” or the Democrats will win with their slogan, “We Can’t Agree On A Slogan.” And it should be obvious that that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 10 NFL Picks from the Perpetual Campaign State of Ohio” »

Week 9 NFL Picks; A Midterm Ode To Manning Versus Brady

November 02, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

They told him, Don’t ever come around here
Don’t want to see your face, you better disappear
- Michael Jackson

These Week 9 NFL Picks vote for the Peyton Manning versus Tom Brady rivalry for an Oscar, a Tony, a Grammy, an Emmy, and because we are Browns fans, a Bernie.

We’d vote for both of them for Congress in every race if we could. They sure could quarterback this country, huh? We think Putin would freak if he heard Manning yelling, “Omaha!”

brady versus manningBy we, I mean the shadow corporation backing the LLC that operates the non-profit overseas partnership that controls this website. What’s Gonna Happen is like a cross between the Mafia and the Koch Brothers – a mere barometer of the times we live in. That election on Tuesday? It’s ours.

We have been accused of trying to rig this midterm election. We are not trying.

But our hearts are pure when we bring you this message on the rivalry of Manning versus Brady.

The rivalry spans three teams, two men, and one conference. As the century turned, the rivalry was born, unknowingly to everyone but the script writer and, perhaps, the actors. It has been theatrical, musical; lyrical, and mythical.

Manning versus Brady. You wish your team was part of this.

Let’s say, for some reason, you were a Cleveland Browns fan. Why would we wish this on you? Our hearts are pure…. pure evil.

Yeah, so let’s say you were cursed with rooting for the Cleveland Browns with a quarterback carousel more than twenty names long while Brady and Manning have been the gold standard of a rivalry for more than a decade. If that were the case, you would wish your team was part of this.

Brady versus Manning, both playing great at a midway point of the season is how a rivalry gets to win a Bernie so early every year. Sure, this stuff is rigged. You know it, and we know it. Just don’t tell anyone.

See, we know who wins every election anywhere. The president of your local garden club? That’s us. The vice president of Mrs. Stevens 3rd grade class in Peoria? Us too. We did it the same way we backed all the candidates that will win in Tuesday’s election. We backed them with a campaign strategy of manilla envelopes stuffed with unmarked cash, as this is a foolproof way to make sure you get to say whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 9 NFL Picks; A Midterm Ode To Manning Versus Brady” »

Week 8 NFL Picks On Vigilant High Canadian Alert

October 23, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

They don’t give a damn about any trumpet playing band
It ain’t what they call rock and roll
- Dire Straits

These Week 8 NFL Picks admit from Canada that no one here knew President Obama created the security breach that allowed the Jacksonville Jaguars to beat the Cleveland Browns last week.

We are saddened by what happened. We are now vigilant. Even the Oakland Raiders frighten us.

CanadaOur heroes at FOX News explained that the loss to the Jaguars was Obama’s fault, just like that recent terror attack on Canada. Obama has been a terrible leader for Canada, and it now seems that almost everyone we know has Ebola, or a couple of terrorists in their family.

There has been a lot of confusion around here. Fans rushing around, wondering if order will be restored. It will. It has to be. Usually order means the Cleveland Browns are on the bottom, but now there is finally a new world order in which the people who terrorized the Cleveland Browns realize they messed with the wrong team.

For instance, it has taken decades but this next game against the Oakland Raiders is revenge for the Browns playoff loss to the Raiders in 1980. Vigilant, eh?

That’s right, the Raiders don’t frighten us. Sure, it’s only been three paragraphs but that’s enough time to laugh at our previous fear. The Raiders are a joke of a threat. Yeah, the Jaguars were too. What’s your point?

Our point is  that we will not be intimidated by these laughable threats because we believe in Cleveland Browns exceptionalism, that everything is Obama’s fault, and especially in whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 8 NFL Picks On Vigilant High Canadian Alert” »

Week 7 NFL Picks From Inside of A Protective Suit

October 16, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Tell me a story
About how you adore me
- The Rolling Stone

These Week 7 NFL Picks are coming from inside the protective suit of my warped perspective, as my favorite football team is about to play its next three games against the Jacksonville Jaguars, Oakland Raiders, and Tampa Bay Buccaneers – combined record, 1-16.

I have a false sense of confidence. It makes me extraordinarily happy.Browns

I feel so secure in my belief that the Cleveland Browns are about to look like the best team in the NFL that I’m sure it will, within weeks, be clear to everyone else that there is no saving me from this fever and these delusions. And that’s fine with me too.

protective suitIf the end comes and I must bury this NFL season as I have every other NFL season of my life, abandoned by the team that I love, I will savor my team from inside of this protective suit, with no peripheral vision to speak of.

Living inside this protective suit is really not that bad. Did you know you can tailgate inside these things. Yep, I’ve got beer in here and I’m cooking cheeseburgers. So frankly, I don’t care whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 7 NFL Picks From Inside of A Protective Suit” »

Week 6 NFL Picks By The CDC

October 09, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Is it murder, is it rape, is it the Watergate tapes
Or a mere hallucination caused by folks from outer space
No, it’s a skinny little boy from Cleveland, Ohio
Come to chase your women and drink your beer
- Alex Bevan

These Week 6 NFL Picks have been quarantined in Cleveland with Yee-Hoyer Disease. It is contagious, and deadly for opponents.

brian hoyer winsThe symptoms start with the grittiness to take any punch. Actually, the symptoms seem to start with taking punches. But then, after a good ass-whipping and pummeling, when you catch Yee=Hoyer Disease, you don’t care what mean people do to you. You fight on. You don’t care what stupid people say about you.

My heroes at FOX News have told me that I should be afraid of Yee-Hoyer Disease, just like I should be afraid of pretty much everything else. The only I don’t currently fear is fear itself. All other things have me terrified.CDC Yee-Hoyer

That’s what’s so freaky about this Yee-Hoyer Disease. I love this disease! Is it a flu, a virus? I don’t know, but the symptoms rock.

I am a Browns fan, so I know how it all ends. There will be heartbreak. It’s just a matter of when, what kind, and to what degree.

But this Yee-Hoyer disease causes fever and weird hallucinations of a Super Bowl parade in Cleveland. Get that doctor away from me! I like this version of whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 6 NFL Picks By The CDC” »

Week 5 NFL Picks By the Secret Service

October 02, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

But I see your true colors
Shining through
- Cyndi Lauper

The Secret Service will not let just anyone read these Week 5 NFL Picks. Well, maybe you over there wearing purple, holding a knife. Can we call you Ray?

We totally believe when you say that there are some things you can cover up, and some that you can’t, and that you like to cut vegetables with that big knife while rooting for the Baltimore Ravens. Sure, go on in. These Week 5 NFL picks have been expecting you for years.

White House IntruderBut the guy wearing red, white and blue, the New England Patriots fan? Nope, you’re not getting in to read these picks. We saw that game on Monday night and we’d be surprised if you’re not completely terrorized and desperate. Obviously we don’t let Patriots fans in here. If you root for Tom Brady, we don’t trust that you’re going to like these Week 5 NFL Picks. You are on the No Read List.Sad Tom Brady

We see an old guy with the face that is sort of silver and blue. Now, he is running with old-guy drunken style frantically across the lawn read these Week 5 NFL Picks. Hi Jerry Jones. Yes, this week you can read these Week 5 NFL Picks.

The Secret Service protects these Week 5 NFL picks. Don’t worry. If we were worried, would we be drinking tequila with strippers right now? So geez, chill out. It’s easy to do what we do, that’s why we do it this way.

Take that Raider fan over over there. The Secret Service means it. Someone take that silver-and-black clad guy away because he is already sure that these Week 5 NFL Picks will predict that the Raiders lose to the bye.

The Secret Service protects Week 5 NFL Picks, which wear the orange and brown of the Cleveland Browns.

And that’s why the Secret Service is sure that Week 5 NFL Picks can defend themselves. These Week 5 NFL Picks are resilient enough to get through anything. Sadly, even modern America, Week 5 NFL Picks get attacked a lot because of the colors. Yes, the Secret Service recognizes prejudice based on colors – especially in this climate.

But no worries. Really. If we were worried, would we be drinking tequila with strippers right now? So geez, chill out. Did we say that already? Sorry. There’s something else important we needed to tell you, but we can’t remember. Oh well.

No matter how many people we let climb the fence and run over to read these picks, we’re not worried because the boss always reminds us: These are not a red Week 5 NFL Picks. These are not a blue Week 5 NFL Picks. These are brown and orange Week 5 NFL Picks.

We tell the boss to trust us about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 5 NFL Picks By the Secret Service” »

Week 4 NFL Picks on Super High Terror Alert

September 28, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your world it will creep
- Buffalo Springfield

These week 4 NFL picks are on high terror alert because of an ideology that scares the terror alert for the brownscrap out of me. Every week, well except this week, there is an NFL team that wants to beat the Cleveland Browns.

You can’t even pinpoint where the threat comes from. Week to week, it is a different city that is trying to take down the Cleveland Browns. It morphs. Scary, very scary.

Who are these people? Why don’t they believe what I believe?

Ah screw it. Starting next week, my team will be launching bombs and putting boots on the ground. (Note to FOX, my favorite news network: the word is “boots”. You guys crack me up. Literally. I am cracking up.).

And as you can surely guess, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 4 NFL Picks on Super High Terror Alert” »

Week 3 NFL Picks By Roger Goodell Denying Everything

September 20, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

You got fins to the left, fins to the right
And you’re the only bait in town
- Jimmy Buffett

Roger Goodell here with your Week 3 NFL picks, starting with Thursday’s game when the Falcons beat up the Buccaneers by an ambiguous score of 56 to 14.

Roger GoodellI am not quite sure what is going to happen in that game.

I think the Falcons might win. Maybe by a score of 6 to 3 or something. I won’t really know what’s going to happen unless I watch a video of what already happened. And where am I supposed to find video of an NFL game?

Despite your skepticism, I bet $44 million a year that you are going to blame me  and not the 32 men, the NFL owners, who sent me here to say the Falcons are only going to win by 3. And if you do blame me, and not those 32 men, then I win $44 million a year. (And as I have convinced them, it’s the best $44 million they’ll ever spend.)

So yes, I really thought the Falcons would only win by 3, because the score of 56 to 14 was ambiguous. But then I saw highlights of the game. The highlights were clear, and they were a game changer. The score was ambiguous. The highlights were not.

While the Falcons ultimately did win by a score of 56 to 14, I regret not predicting the correct score once the game was over. It was a mistake, and I am deeply sorry. I have formed a committee and even asked my best friend do an independent investigation into find out why I thought the Falcons would only win by 3, despite having been told the final score.

All I can say, is that the information I had was ambiguous. I got it wrong.

I pledge that I am going to get it right. No, not right now. Specifically, someday. I sure hope you believe that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 3 NFL Picks By Roger Goodell Denying Everything” »