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Week 7 NFL Picks From Inside Of A Protective Suit
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Week 7 NFL Picks From Inside of A Protective Suit

October 16, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

These Week 7 NFL Picks are coming from inside the protective suit of my warped perspective, as my favorite football team is about to play its next three games against the Jacksonville Jaguars, Oakland Raiders, and Tampa Bay Buccaneers – combined record, 1-16.

I have a false sense of confidence. It makes me extraordinarily happy.Browns

I feel so secure in my belief that the Cleveland Browns are about to look like the best team in the NFL that I’m sure it will, within weeks, be clear to everyone else that there is no saving me from this fever and these delusions. And that’s fine with me too.

protective suitIf the end comes and I must bury this NFL season as I have every other NFL season of my life, abandoned by the team that I love, I will savor my team from inside of this protective suit, with no peripheral vision to speak of.

Living inside this protective suit is really not that bad. Did you know you can tailgate inside these things. Yep, I’ve got beer in here and I’m cooking cheeseburgers. So frankly, I don’t care whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 7 NFL Picks From Inside of A Protective Suit” »

Week 6 NFL Picks By The CDC

October 09, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Is it murder, is it rape, is it the Watergate tapes
Or a mere hallucination caused by folks from outer space
No, it’s a skinny little boy from Cleveland, Ohio
Come to chase your women and drink your beer
- Alex Bevan

These Week 6 NFL Picks have been quarantined in Cleveland with Yee-Hoyer Disease. It is contagious, and deadly for opponents.

brian hoyer winsThe symptoms start with the grittiness to take any punch. Actually, the symptoms seem to start with taking punches. But then, after a good ass-whipping and pummeling, when you catch Yee=Hoyer Disease, you don’t care what mean people do to you. You fight on. You don’t care what stupid people say about you.

My heroes at FOX News have told me that I should be afraid of Yee-Hoyer Disease, just like I should be afraid of pretty much everything else. The only I don’t currently fear is fear itself. All other things have me terrified.CDC Yee-Hoyer

That’s what’s so freaky about this Yee-Hoyer Disease. I love this disease! Is it a flu, a virus? I don’t know, but the symptoms rock.

I am a Browns fan, so I know how it all ends. There will be heartbreak. It’s just a matter of when, what kind, and to what degree.

But this Yee-Hoyer disease causes fever and weird hallucinations of a Super Bowl parade in Cleveland. Get that doctor away from me! I like this version of whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 6 NFL Picks By The CDC” »

Week 5 NFL Picks By the Secret Service

October 02, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

But I see your true colors
Shining through
- Cyndi Lauper

The Secret Service will not let just anyone read these Week 5 NFL Picks. Well, maybe you over there wearing purple, holding a knife. Can we call you Ray?

We totally believe when you say that there are some things you can cover up, and some that you can’t, and that you like to cut vegetables with that big knife while rooting for the Baltimore Ravens. Sure, go on in. These Week 5 NFL picks have been expecting you for years.

White House IntruderBut the guy wearing red, white and blue, the New England Patriots fan? Nope, you’re not getting in to read these picks. We saw that game on Monday night and we’d be surprised if you’re not completely terrorized and desperate. Obviously we don’t let Patriots fans in here. If you root for Tom Brady, we don’t trust that you’re going to like these Week 5 NFL Picks. You are on the No Read List.Sad Tom Brady

We see an old guy with the face that is sort of silver and blue. Now, he is running with old-guy drunken style frantically across the lawn read these Week 5 NFL Picks. Hi Jerry Jones. Yes, this week you can read these Week 5 NFL Picks.

The Secret Service protects these Week 5 NFL picks. Don’t worry. If we were worried, would we be drinking tequila with strippers right now? So geez, chill out. It’s easy to do what we do, that’s why we do it this way.

Take that Raider fan over over there. The Secret Service means it. Someone take that silver-and-black clad guy away because he is already sure that these Week 5 NFL Picks will predict that the Raiders lose to the bye.

The Secret Service protects Week 5 NFL Picks, which wear the orange and brown of the Cleveland Browns.

And that’s why the Secret Service is sure that Week 5 NFL Picks can defend themselves. These Week 5 NFL Picks are resilient enough to get through anything. Sadly, even modern America, Week 5 NFL Picks get attacked a lot because of the colors. Yes, the Secret Service recognizes prejudice based on colors – especially in this climate.

But no worries. Really. If we were worried, would we be drinking tequila with strippers right now? So geez, chill out. Did we say that already? Sorry. There’s something else important we needed to tell you, but we can’t remember. Oh well.

No matter how many people we let climb the fence and run over to read these picks, we’re not worried because the boss always reminds us: These are not a red Week 5 NFL Picks. These are not a blue Week 5 NFL Picks. These are brown and orange Week 5 NFL Picks.

We tell the boss to trust us about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 5 NFL Picks By the Secret Service” »

Week 4 NFL Picks on Super High Terror Alert

September 28, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your world it will creep
- Buffalo Springfield

These week 4 NFL picks are on high terror alert because of an ideology that scares the terror alert for the brownscrap out of me. Every week, well except this week, there is an NFL team that wants to beat the Cleveland Browns.

You can’t even pinpoint where the threat comes from. Week to week, it is a different city that is trying to take down the Cleveland Browns. It morphs. Scary, very scary.

Who are these people? Why don’t they believe what I believe?

Ah screw it. Starting next week, my team will be launching bombs and putting boots on the ground. (Note to FOX, my favorite news network: the word is “boots”. You guys crack me up. Literally. I am cracking up.).

And as you can surely guess, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 4 NFL Picks on Super High Terror Alert” »

Week 3 NFL Picks By Roger Goodell Denying Everything

September 20, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

You got fins to the left, fins to the right
And you’re the only bait in town
- Jimmy Buffett

Roger Goodell here with your Week 3 NFL picks, starting with Thursday’s game when the Falcons beat up the Buccaneers by an ambiguous score of 56 to 14.

Roger GoodellI am not quite sure what is going to happen in that game.

I think the Falcons might win. Maybe by a score of 6 to 3 or something. I won’t really know what’s going to happen unless I watch a video of what already happened. And where am I supposed to find video of an NFL game?

Despite your skepticism, I bet $44 million a year that you are going to blame me  and not the 32 men, the NFL owners, who sent me here to say the Falcons are only going to win by 3. And if you do blame me, and not those 32 men, then I win $44 million a year. (And as I have convinced them, it’s the best $44 million they’ll ever spend.)

So yes, I really thought the Falcons would only win by 3, because the score of 56 to 14 was ambiguous. But then I saw highlights of the game. The highlights were clear, and they were a game changer. The score was ambiguous. The highlights were not.

While the Falcons ultimately did win by a score of 56 to 14, I regret not predicting the correct score once the game was over. It was a mistake, and I am deeply sorry. I have formed a committee and even asked my best friend do an independent investigation into find out why I thought the Falcons would only win by 3, despite having been told the final score.

All I can say, is that the information I had was ambiguous. I got it wrong.

I pledge that I am going to get it right. No, not right now. Specifically, someday. I sure hope you believe that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 3 NFL Picks By Roger Goodell Denying Everything” »

Week 2 NFL Picks Completely Freaking Out

September 13, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Isis oh Isis you mystical child
What drives me to you is what drives me insane
- Bob Dylan

These week 2 NFL picks are worried about members of ISIS playing in the NFL. Most likely, they are running backs. And there is good chance they play for the Baltimore Ravens.

As President Obama said recently, you can’t erase every trace of evil from the world. But we must be vigilant because these NFL players are unique in their brutality.

Oh, he was talking about ISIS, not NFL players. Actually, he calls them ISIL. And the NFL calls their abusers role models. You say tomato, and I say holy crap!Adrian Peterson

Ray Rice elevatorOJ Simpson Trophy hernandez watch 51PeoplRay Lewise want to change the name of the Redskins? Hell change all the names. Who you got this week: the Baltimore Wife Beaters or the Minnesota Child Abusers? Personally, I still love the New England Murderers.

Seriously, NFL, it’s time to create a new award: The OJ Simpson Trophy.

The President said America needs to degrade and destroy the enemy with a comprehensive and sustained strategy. That may work overseas, but it would never work in the NFL Much too powerful.

All terrorists know one thing: barbarism sells. That’s what happens, what happened, and, unfortunately, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 2 NFL Picks Completely Freaking Out” »

Week 1 NFL Picks Suspended By NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

August 31, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 Season

So you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
- Pink Floyd

These week 1 NFL picks have been suspended for the 16-game season by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

In my hearing, he said, “You should have beat up a woman instead of smoking pot before you made your NFL picks. Then I would have suspended you only two games.” Beating up a woman, like Ray Rice did, said Goodell, deserves one-eighth the punishment of someone smoking pot, like Josh Gordon did. It is one-eighth as bad, said Goodell.

Ray Rice elevatorIt was a really weird hearing. So I lit a joint, because we were in Colorado after all. I passed the joint to Roger Goodell, NFL comissioner. Goodell took a puff of the legal marijuana cigarette because we were in Colorado, after all. Then he said that he really doesn’t condone violence against women, it’s just that smoking pot is way worse. Then he exhaled – not a smoke ring, but a dollar sign.Josh Gordon

“Look, someday, some marijuana company – the pot equivalent of Anheuser-Busch – will advertise on our games and give the NFL millions of dollars. Until then, pot is really bad,” said Goodell.

What about beating up a woman? I asked.

“You know, you’re right,” he said. “That is a tough advertising market. Let me rethink this. Okay, I was wrong. From now on, beating up a woman is three-eighths as bad as smoking pot. Therefore, I declare we’re making tremendous progress.”

That’s exactly what happened. Now here’s whatzgonnahappen Continue reading “Week 1 NFL Picks Suspended By NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell” »

2014 NFL Season Picks; Globally-Warmed For Accuracy

June 08, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 Season

He was taken to task by some critics who asked, Do you write the words or lyrics first?
- The Michael Stanley Band

These 2014 NFL Season Picks are in denial about the 2013 NFL standings, which I burned in dirty coal that had been soaked in radioactive oil just to prove that I don’t believe in any of your stupid facts.

The highly suspect 2013 NFL standings used hand-picked data, which is the the same type of data that scientists who talk of global warming use. It’s quite alarming. I don’t believe in global warming, Why would I believe the 2013 NFL standings?

smokestackThat’s right, I laugh at your so-called 2013 final NFL standings. I understand biased facts when I see them. While these are the best 2014 NFL predictions anywhere, they are not grounded in any facts. Facts schmacts, I say.

As I say it, I am wearing 10-cent blinders that I purchased for a dollar at a Flying J Truckstop somewhere near Pittsburgh, and I have hired a professional consultant to hit me repeatedly on my forehead with a rusty hammer. Ouch! This is the Google-search recommended method to clearly see the future of the 2014 NFL season by ignoring the 2013 NFL season as a reference point. Ouch! Google is always right. Unlike facts. Or science.afc north standings 2013

Scientists know as much about science as the 2013 NFL standings know about quality football. Scientists don’t know anything. Everyone knows that. And NFL standings? Please! Facts aren’t factual if you don’t want them to be.

These particular 2014 NFL predictions do not start out wrapped in any quote-unquote facts. It is a fact that the 2013 NFL standings are a complete fabrication, and I can prove it. Last year, the Cleveland Browns were the best team in the NFL. You can look it up. I wrote about it here all of last year.

brownselfguitarYet the NFL standings say the Browns only won 4 games while losing 12. And I say that anyone can choose specific facts and make them mean anything they want. The way the NFL standings were designed last year were clearly biased against the Browns.

The NFL standings just picked and chose the information they wanted to use – like wins and losses – and then tried to prove a point by stacking the argument with this hand-picked data. This is simply impossible to trust.

I say the 2013 NFL standings are more theory than fact. There’s no consensus that the 2013 NFL standings are factual. I don’t believe them so, presto, no consensus.

And If there is debate, well who really knows what to believe? I mean, there’s so many people out there just making up crap. It’s pathetic.

I cannot argue with one thing. I do see climate change coming in the NFL. I suggest that the 2014 NFL standings will much better understand and be able to reach a reasonable conjohnny manziel money signsensus that the Cleveland Browns, led by the comic book icon named Johnny Football, are about to set the NFL on fire and, well, as he texted me, “wreck this league.”

These are all facts told to me by the homeless guy who now makes decisions for the Cleveland Browns. The debate is over. Climate change in the NFL is here to stay, so says this word-processed analysis – and this is clearly a sentence that uses the words “process” and “analysis”, so you know this is essentially indisputable science. There is now absolute consensus that NFL climate change is upon us, and if you argue with me it is clear that you don’t even care about future of the world, you selfish bastard.

Still, you can’t deny that this is whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “2014 NFL Season Picks; Globally-Warmed For Accuracy” »

Super Bowl XLVIII Pick With The Best Mountaintop Guru In The World

January 22, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 Super Bowl

Inside the museums,
Infinity goes up on trial
- Bob Dylan

I did not want to climb up this damn mountain for your Super Bowl XLVIII pick. I am guru-phobic. Plus I am scared of heights, which is why I choose not to participate in the Olympics.

guru picks NFLI had just taken a sip of tea when Maharishi Richard Sherman told Erin Andrews that he is the best guru in the world. That is why I climbed this mountain to ask the guru, “Which team will win Super Bowl XLVIII?”

The guru said that I should not try him with such a sorry question, and then he yelled, “Don’t you ever talk about me!”

Visiting a guru on a mountaintop is the last place I expected to be. But after I by-mistake stole a fortune teller’s tea leaves because I was craving tea, she put a curse on me – which is why I root for the Cleveland Browns, instead of the Denver Broncos or Seattle Seahawks.

I had a couple of solid backup plans. Not on the Cleveland Browns thing. That curse is real, just like tea addiction. richard sherman picks the super bowl

But when the fortune teller refused to reveal the details of Super Bowl XLVIII without her tea leaves, I wasn’t worried because I was positive that my crystal ball would work. Or my time machine. I felt confident, from previous experiences at Walmart and Target, that these products would work for a solid two weeks, maybe three.

The problem with having a lot of tea leaves, though, is that you inevitably throw a tea party and the next thing you know you find yourself hanging out with the kind of people who go to a tea party.

Whoa, don’t look down.

You see, the reason I am here on this mountaintop is that my crystal ball was borrowed by my tea party friends, who smashed it to pieces in order to prove how much they loved it. My other tea party friends convinced me to tune my time machine into Fox News, which kept sending the time machine straight to Armageddon. I had to put the thing in a junkyard.

Tea is very dangerous, a gateway drug. That’s how I ended up at that gateway to the top of the world talking to a self-confident guru.

I did get an answer, after he processed my credit card and did a touchdown dance. And I knew he really was the best guru in the world when he said, “How the hell would I know whatzgonnappen?” Continue reading “Super Bowl XLVIII Pick With The Best Mountaintop Guru In The World” »

Chris Christie’s NFL Conference Championship Picks

January 17, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 NFL playoffs

The highway’s jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive
Everybody’s out on the run tonight
but there’s no place left to hide
- Bruce Springsteen

Quit calling me a bully or I will beat you up. Look, these NFL Conference Championship Picks by my Traffic Czar, Richie Incognito, are my gift to you even though you did not endorse me when I ran for the office of Knucklehead.

Christie Traffic JamsHere in New Jersey, where the Super Bowl will be held, I am known mostly by my nickname, Tony Friggin’ Soprano. What you never knew about me, but soon will, is that I am a Cleveland Browns fan.

Did I mention the Super Bowl is in New Jersey?

Does the NFL know how bad I can mess with them?

I know you expected me to root for the Jets, or Giants because they play in New Jersey. But come on. Those teams stink. Yes, the Cleveland Browns stink too. And you really can trust me on this. I am the governor of New Jersey. I know about stink.

My point is twofold: the Giants and Jets are from New York. So that case is simply closed. I hate New York. Don’t you?

Plus, face it, New Jersey is the Cleveland of states, and Cleveland is the New Jersey of cities. Thus, my undying allegiance – short of a heart attack – to the Cleveland Browns. Therefore, I expect the Cleveland Browns to play in and win this year’s Super Bowl. Otherwise, I will shut that puppy down.

Now, can we talk about Benghazi?

Yes, I am hoping to make this press conference last longer than a Bruce Springsteen concert raising money for people that I despise.

So while we are on the subject of good quarterbacks, I am rooting for Russell Wilson because he doesn’t have a perfect body, just like me. He is a bit too short, just like I am slightly overweight.

I’ll take one more question. My answer is, of course I know whatzgonnappen. Continue reading “Chris Christie’s NFL Conference Championship Picks” »