What's Gonna Happen

Super Bowl Pick 52 Pick From A Dilly Dilly Refugee Camp

Super Bowl Pick 52 Pick From A Dilly Dilly Refugee Camp

January 25, 2018 By: BT Category: Super Bowl

This Super Bowl 52 Pick comes from the scene of another senseless murder, a Super Bowl party where someone has been killed for saying the words, “Dilly, Dilly” one time too many. It is happening across America.

Things are worse at the violently contested border of fake news and real mirages, the exact place where Tom Brady’s hand was once amputated and Nick Foles is a Super Bowl quarterback.

There are refugees in the border area – stunned and without hope, almost all of them wearing Johnny Manziel Cleveland Browns jerseys.

Oh the humanity! So many Manziels staring with dead eyes.

“We could have drafted Carson Wentz,” said one of the refugees, smelling like cheap beer and despair. “Wentz was so good that he got injured so Nick Foles could go to the Super Bowl.”

“We could have drafted Tom Brady!” said another one of the refugees. “But we had to have Spergon Wynn.” That refugee, now an adult, started cheering for the Cleveland Browns as a young child. He is one of the dreamers you read about in the news.

“We could have drafted Nick Foles,” said a mentally challenged man wearing a Brandon Weeden jersey.

The United Nations, not to mention the NFL, has abandoned these people.

The Super Bowl is for the elites. Tom Brady has been in the Super Bowl eight of his 16 years in the NFL. This is his second time playing in a Super Bowl against the Philadelphia Eagles. The Super Bowl is, essentially, Davos.  

There is barely a word here about the refugees. Not even the refugees from recently vanquished cities, such as Jacksonville and, well, actually… The poor people in Minnesota were one game away from hosting a home game Super Bowl, and now they are refugees in their own city. It’s truly sad. Which is very different than “Sad!”

But Cleveland has the Browns and thus, a factory of sadness, which is another level of sadness altogether. This sadness deserves an exclamation point, except what would really be the point, at this point.

And so the Super Bowl is here again, and the refugees from every city are faced with the fact that their team could have had Saint Tom Brady. Or Nick Foles. You could have had Nick Foles. Yes, Nick Foles. Is your quarterback playing in the Super Bowl? Nick Foles is.

But next year, my team will be in the Super Bowl. Can someone give me a “Dilly Dilly?” That’s Whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Super Bowl Pick 52 Pick From A Dilly Dilly Refugee Camp” »

NFL Conference Championship Picks By Doctor Bigmac McWhopper

January 19, 2018 By: BT Category: 2018 Playoffs

I went back to my mother
I said, “I’m crazy Ma, help me.”
She said, “I know how it feels son,
Cause it runs in the family.”
– The Who

Doctor Bigmac McWhopper says that my fat, lazy NFL Conference Championship picks are in perfect physical health.

First he put me through a series of tests, including the Tide Pod Challenge. No challenge at all. I ate three of them, and washed them down with a Diet Coke, a Whopper and a Big Mac, just as was written on my prescription.

My doctor also gave me a cognitive test. I don’t know that that means. But I am, like, a very stable genius, same as every other sad, pathetic Cleveland Browns fan in the world.

Four teams remain in the playoffs. So I picked another team to win the Super Bowl, and then the doctor, for some reason, ordered the cognitive test.

If ‘cognitive’ means cheering for the Cleveland Browns to win a playoff game this weekend, I passed the test. The fact that they are not playing proves my point. They will not lose.

And speaking of the Fake News Awards – I was, right? – did anyone get a look at the award-winning 2017 NFL standings? The Browns at 0-16? This is why no one trusts the media.

My doctor, a graduate of the Trump University School Of Literary Medicine, is so successful that he recently went from renting a unheated apartment over billiards hall to owning 10 oceanfront houses frequented by Russian “models.”

Even better, my doctor doesn’t like poor people. Right?

I mean, except for poor Cleveland Browns fans who, even if they have lots of money, are spiritually poor and living in emotional poverty.

Let’s not mince words, or be snowflake politically correct. The Cleveland Browns are a shithole organization that was just given a parade for its suckiness. Professional football players getting paid millions of dollars to lose every game, just like you or I could, have feelings and they were sad about the parade.

The perfect season parade, sadly, was not my idea, proving even I have room to cognitively improve. Of course, I won’t. You already knew that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “NFL Conference Championship Picks By Doctor Bigmac McWhopper” »

Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks From That New Explosive Book

January 06, 2018 By: BT Category: 2018 Playoffs

Guess who just got back today?
Them wild-eyed boys that’d been away
Haven’t changed, had much to say
But man, I still think those cats are crazy
– Thin Lizzy

According to a new explosive book, the guy who writes these Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks is a clueless unstable fool who likes an NFL team just because they wear orange on their head.

This book, called, “The Coach Should Be Fired, The Fans Are Furious” claims the childish writer of this column is so prone to crazy whims that he will cheer for any shitty quarterback who happens to wear a Cleveland Browns uniform.

And get this. This book claims that this column will predict the Browns to win this weekend, even though the Browns are not in the NFL playoffs, and barely in the NFL.

Yes, the book is about life inside my little white house. The author is a jerk.

The author, I think, is also vengeful and sneaky. Duplicitous even. He got his way into my good graces, and then turned on me. But forget that. I deny I even know the author of this book. Never met him.

Because of this book, I am now paranoid that people will think that I like the Cleveland Browns, which I do. But there’s really no reason to tell anyone such a dark personal secret.

Still, I am proud as well as paranoid. This is because of President Donald J. Trump, America’s supreme leader and the only president ever with the same hair color as the burnt orange of the Cleveland Browns helmet. He is my hero, as he is yours because he is, in his own words, “a very stable genius.”

Because of President Trump, I do not believe the fake news that claims the Cleveland Browns went 0-16 this season. No one could believe such lies.

Because of this book, I am now paranoid that people will think that I like the Cleveland Browns, which I do. But there’s really no reason to tell anyone such a dark personal secret.

I believe that, just like Trump, the Cleveland Browns have been winning bigly. His one year in office, like the Browns past two years (1-31 record, according to the fake news) in the NFL, has been awesome. I, literally, am in awe.

But back to that explosive book. This column (yes, I am the author who was granted unprecedented access to the idiot’s life) has spent a year embedded inside this moron’s white house, and it is clear that everyone around him hates him.

Those people are just like you, his faithful reader(s), who read this (the only plausible reason) to increase your own sense of superiority. He has no clue, but I am on to you and them, and him.

“He roots for the Browns,” said one anonymous source, who looked just like the columnist’s lovely, long-suffering wife – except for the large nose, big glasses, and a thick black plastic mustache.

“He hasn’t seen a real NFL game in more than 20 years,” said the anonymous source. “He’s not qualified for this. The only thing he does anymore is say, ‘Bernie Kosar was better than this.’ He says it all day long.”

That’s not all I do. Sometimes I hit myself in the head with a hammer and say I can’t wait to see whatzgonnhappen. Continue reading “Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks From That New Explosive Book” »

Week 17 NFL Picks From The Glue Factory That Was 2017

December 30, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

I was dreamin’ when I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray
But when I woke up this mornin’
Coulda sworn it was judgement day
– Prince

These Week 17 NFL picks have made a New Year’s resolution to begin sniffing glue again.

Trying to process everything that went wrong in 2017 has my brain moving as slow as a three-year old $700 iPhone – it is essentially useless.

For instance, my favorite NFL team, the Cleveland Browns, play every game as if there is a law against winning them winning. And as a fan, I also assume that law exists.

But in fairness, some things actually went better than expected. The President of the United States did not start World War III, and he did not start a new civil war. Both were totally unexpected.

But mostly, this year stunk as bad as every one of my predictions that the Cleveland Browns would win, which they never did.

The never-ending wars did not end, every human I know is living through a 7-inch screen, and the intentions of our President are as pure as the contents of Steve Bannon’s liver. And then there is the Cleveland Browns decision to keep coach Hue Jackson, who has pulled off a record of 1-30 in his Browns coaching career so far. The factory of sadness is now a nuclear power plant.

America has been made great again by doing a great redistribution of wealth from the poor back to the rich, where the money obviously belongs. The President continues to threaten North Korea like he is a bully in a schoolyard, while the Browns have blown up their front office after vowing they would not blow it up.

The truth is flexible, but losing is not. And so here I again predicting that the Cleveland Browns will win, this week against the junior varsity for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I am a blind squirrel. I expect to find an acorn this week.

But I have a full container of glue ready, next to a keg of beer, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a pack of Lucky Strikes, a Bible, a Pentagram and my cell phone where I am staring in fear into a 7-inch screen, fearing the next Tweet and wondering now Whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 17 NFL Picks From The Glue Factory That Was 2017” »

Week 15 NFL Picks & The End of Net (and all) Neutrality

December 14, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Fight the power
We’ve got to fight the powers that be
– Public Enemy

These week 15 NFL Picks love the new system for the NFL draft, in which the Super Bowl champion is rewarded with the first pick in the NFL draft.

It will create incentive for loser teams like the Cleveland Browns to win. It will trickle down, like just wealthy pee on their poor heads. It is a Donald Trump fantasy, and it is real.

And while every American, whether they want to be or not, is part of the President’s fantasy life come true, there is nothing quite like being a loser in his world.

On the other hand, he can be so outrageous and entertaining on Twitter that it’s worth it and, well, as he said, the Browns deserve this. Browns fans deserve this. I deserve this. My team hasn’t won Lyndon Johnson was in the White House.

Everything continues according a decades-long plan that feels like it was dreamt up by a James Bond villain with an eyepatch and one arm who lives on an island with the monkey he has trained to pick quarterbacks for the Cleveland Browns. It is the same monkey that wrote the tax reform and the last few GOP health care bills.

As a loser, I know this is both logical and fair. So just after I say, thank you, I’ll meekly ask, now whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks & The End of Net (and all) Neutrality” »

Week 13 NFL Picks From The United States Of Schadenfreude

December 01, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down, you just stood there grinning
– Bob Dylan

These Week 13 NFL picks, drinking strong vodka lockherups with my best friends, General Michael Flynn and Matt Lauer, can see Dr. Schadenfreude enjoying my misery as the Cleveland Browns sit at a perfect record of 0-11.

Rejoicing at the misery of others is the new American thing to do, isn’t it?

Well, I’ve got news for you and your joy.

My Cleveland Browns misery is older and deeper and wiser than your newfound happiness upon discovering my sadness, so just move on to taking joy in the the misery of someone who hasn’t rooted for a team in the midst of a two-decades loser streak.

It’s beyond a losing streak. It’s a loser streak. There’s a difference. Ask President Trump, who keeps losing but calls everyone else a loser. That’s how it works if you are him, and only him.

On the other hand, the Cleveland Browns are losing and they are losers.

My point is, your schadenfreude means nothing to me. I live for sadness. The city I grew up in has built a factory of sadness. Yes, it is a literal factory from which they ship sadness to me every week.

As we enter the worst month of both the year and the football season, December, it is important to remember that everything that has come before means nothing.

The plan moving forward is to make things worse, by providing false hope, a couple of meaningless wins led by probably the best wide receiver and criminal in America. And then what?

It’s sort of like impeaching a president only to have him start a nuclear war. Not that that could happen.

But in Cleveland, Josh Gordon will leave for the New England Patriots or Dallas Cowboys and carve out a Hall of Fame career while the Browns and their meaningless wins will make the team fall short of drafting the franchise quarterback they so desperately need.

I’ve seen the script. So leave me to be miserable alone because, sadly, I know exactly whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks From The United States Of Schadenfreude” »

Week 12 NFL Picks From Uncle Bob’s Thanksgiving Table

November 22, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

You didn’t have to love me like you did
But you did, but you did
And I thank you
– ZZ Top

Uncle Bob, please pass these week 12 NFL Picks the gravy. And some hope. Good God, please pass that too, Uncle Bob.

No, Uncle Bob, I don’t want to hear about how “those people” are ruining America, unless you are talking about Jimmy Haslam, Sashi Brown and Hue Jackson. Then, Uncle Bob, you are right. And thank you for the gravy.

Let me ask you something, Uncle Bob. Why am I always so sad? No, I don’t think Aunt Martha ruined the turkey, Uncle Bob. I mean always. Every week, I try not to be sad, and every week on Sunday, I end up so darn sad. Why is that, Uncle Bob?

Do you think I have fallen in love with the wrong football team, Uncle Bob? What if the Cleveland Browns and I weren’t meant to be together?

I hate to bring up this emotional stuff at a family dinner while you are carving the turkey, Uncle Bob, but I honestly think my football team doesn’t love me, and it hasn’t loved me for 20 years. (Sobs) Why am I so sad, Uncle Bob?

No, Uncle Bob, I am not sad because Aunt Martha nags you about all that inappropriate stuff you do and say. I am sad because Deshone Kizer likes to throw to the ball to the wrong team in the wrong uniform. That’s inappropriate.

You see, Uncle Bob, I am not thankful for anything anymore. The coach of my football team thinks the general manager of my football team is an incompetent nerd. The general manager of my football team was the one who hired the incompetent coach who thinks the general manager is an incompetent nerd. The owner is most likely a criminal, while history tells us that any random homeless guy may be running the team next year.

This is the team that I worship, Uncle Bob. I always give it my full faith. Do you see how I am so sad?

And, Uncle Bob, your President hates my country. That’s also why I am so sad. I know, I know, I spent all that time talking about my religion, and now I am talking about politics. Everything is just so sad.

But go ahead, Uncle Bob, carve your damn turkey and give your damn thanks.

I say thanks for nothing. In fact, I refuse to eat until the Cleveland Browns win another game.  Um, on second thought, Uncle Bob, I’ll have a drumstick.

If I wait to eat until the Browns next win, starvation is whatzgonnahappen Continue reading “Week 12 NFL Picks From Uncle Bob’s Thanksgiving Table” »

Week 11 NFL Picks And The Tax Conspiracy

November 19, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Dirty deeds, done dirt cheep
Dirty deeds and they’re done dirt cheap

These Week 11 NFL Picks have learned that the new tax bill means the New England Patriots can write off Tom Brady but the Cleveland Browns must pay full taxes for DeShone Kizer.

This tax bill also means I can now write off my private jet but I cannot write off the school supplies I buy for the third grade class that I teach, well indoctrinate really. History stops in 1964 in my class. And in math, up is down which means my students believe the Cleveland Browns are currently undefeated.

What? This is America. I can choose my facts and then freely indoctrinate others based on my alternative facts. I saw it on FOX News, and in the White House, and on Breitbart, and well, Facebook.

And while I am almost never concerned about the little guy, who wouldn’t be little if he just tried harder to be big, I do have a soft spot for the Cleveland Browns. It’s sort of how President Trump feels about UCLA basketball players getting caught shoplifting in China. I wouldn’t tolerate this behavior, and would mock this behavior from anyone else.

But because I like sports, I am hoping the Chinese government, or whoever has been holding the Cleveland Browns in NFL jail since 1996, grants them the freedom to not just exist, but to win.

What has always been unclear to both myself and my hero, Alex Jones of Infowars, is why the Deep State, the Chinese government, and President Trump are spending all this energy conspiring to keep the Cleveland Browns down?

I asked Julian Assange of Wikileaks, but he said he was currently busy worshipping at his altar of Donald Trump, and he added that he doesn’t know anything about conspiracies.

So the Cleveland Browns are nine losses into their first nine games, and the NFL has finally decided to offer a tax rebate that has been due for a few years now, Josh Gordon. Oh wait, he’s still not here yet. He has been promised before.

Never trust the government, or Roger Goodell. They play favorites. And when that happens, everyone then knows whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 11 NFL Picks And The Tax Conspiracy” »

Week 10 NFL Picks, The Allegations Are True

November 12, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Playoffs

You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain
Too much love drives a man insane
You broke my will, but what a thrill
Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire
– Jerry Lee Lewis

These Week 10 NFL picks have just received a copy of an astonishing apology issued by the Cleveland Browns to their fans for years of inappropriate behavior.

“The allegations are true. We have totally screwed the fans for years against their will,” said the beginning of a press release by the Cleveland Browns.

The most the team has ever said in the past was the rote, “We apologize to anyone we may have offended with our horrible football.”

But this was an explicit admission. The team screwed the fans.

Okay, this is fake news. The Browns have not admitted anything.

They have instead cited the Bible and the story of how Joseph drafted Bernie Kosar on his way to Bethlehem, or something like that. The Cleveland Browns ever-evolving explanations for why they screwed the fans against their will are a bit difficult to fathom.

And yet, denial is not just a river in Egypt. It is the official policy of the Cleveland Browns, who deny screwing anyone or anything up.

All is going according to plan with the Browns just as in Washington DC and Hollywood, where no one has ever screwed anyone against their will.

Considering that things never change, it’s now clear whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 10 NFL Picks, The Allegations Are True” »

Week 9 NFL Picks Under Indictment

November 02, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Well you’re where you should be all the time
And when you’re not you’re with
Some underworld spy, or the wife of a close friend
– Carly Simon

The recent indictment of the Cleveland Browns season is fake news to these Week 9 NFL picks. The Browns don’t lose every week. They won’t lose this week.

Sure, some members of the staff may have colluded with the Philadelphia Eagles to deliver the best quarterback in the league to that team. And, okay, they may possibly have also colluded with the Houston Texans to deliver the most exciting rookie quarterback ever to that team.

But there has been no collusion, believe me.

Other teams are bad. It’s not just the Cleveland Browns. The San Francisco 49ers are bad. Wait, what? The 49ers just traded for who? The Browns wanted him. Or maybe they didn’t want him. Either way, NO COLLUSION!

There has been no collusion. The coaching staff can’t even work with the front office. Never mind what’s going on on Twitter.

And while there has been absolutely no collusion whatsoever, believe me, it’s apparent to anyone living in a white house in Cleveland, Ohio or even anywhere in the country that someone very high up is about to take a big fall.

Because if there was any collusion it’s the NFL colluding against Josh Gordon, who smoked pot and was suspended a total of 56 games while the standard suspension for domestic violence is six games. That’s not fake news. It’s just sad!

Under circumstances such as these, it’s so simple that anyone who has ever heard of a white house, knows that what should happen is probably not whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 9 NFL Picks Under Indictment” »