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Week 5 NFL PIcks By The Next Speaker Of The House

Week 5 NFL Picks By The Next Speaker of The House

October 08, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

These Week 5 NFL picks would have gotten to speak in this house earlier, but my Volkswagen diesel  needed gas. Then I ate some beans and I had gas.

political footballI am a gasbag, for sure.

That’s how I became the speaker of this house. Now you will listen to me. As the speaker of this house, I understand that you will not do what I ask. Being ridiculed or ignored is how I am always treated when I speak in this house.

But you will at least listen to what I say before you begin calling me names.

You won’t? You didn’t? You called me that?

That’s why I am the speaker of the house, and you are over there on the couch. I’ve been called much worse. Ask the person sitting next to you. That person really hates me.

But I don’t care anymore. For the next month at least, I’m the guy in charge of whatzgonnahappen.

Continue reading “Week 5 NFL Picks By The Next Speaker of The House” »

Week 4 NFL PIcks By Vladimir Putin

September 30, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

I’m back in the USSR
You don’t know how lucky you are, boys
Back in the USSR
- The Beatles

These Week 4 NFL Picks, by Vladimir Putin, will take my shirt off and invade somewhere unless the Cleveland Browns are declared Super Bowl champions.

Putin NFLOkay, fine. I’m going to take my shirt off anyway.

So brownselfwhile I nakedly flex my muscles around you, let me remind you that the Russian people are Cleveland Browns fans. Yes, the motherland loves the dawg pound – because of Johnny Manziel.

I read that TMZ report and let me tell you, as someone who thinks lots of things are f-ed up, not playing Johnny Football makes me want to poison some opponent – you know, theoretically.

While I have your attention, I’d like you to know that my two favorite NFL players were Aaron Hernandez and O.J. Simpson.

I am a peaceful man.

I am Vladimir Putin, and I approved this message. Also, I approved whatzgonnahappen.

Continue reading “Week 4 NFL PIcks By Vladimir Putin” »

Week 3 NFL Picks By Pope Francis

September 25, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
- Joan Osborne

These week 3 NFL Picks by Pope Francis, with pity for the least among us, would like you to pray for the Cleveland Browns. I call for worldwide reforms on how the Cleveland Browns are treated.

I came to the United States because I was told that Johnny Manziel was playing this week for the Browns. So here I am, and now I find out that Josh McCown is playing instead. Jesus Christ!

Pope Francis and the NFLI was going to drive my Fiat to Cleveland and hang out in the dog pound with my new best friend, Donald Trump, while we talked about immigration like a couple of adults with a direct phone line to God.

Instead, I am in Philadelphia. And frankly, even I can’t help the Eagles. Sam Bradford as your quarterback? Now that’s a prayer. Tim Tebow doesn’t even play for the Broncos.

So I know what you are thinking. Whenever a Pope visits the USA, he usually goes to Boston.

I did not go there because the New England Patriots have clear connections to the other side. That first became clear when they pulled off that deflated ball trick, and then blamed it on God. I asked, and even He can’t figure out how they did it. But He is sure they are guilty.

One more thing: I see that Russell Wilson and Aaron Rodgers have been arguing about whether God is a Packers fan or Seahawks fan. Both are laughable. God is a Browns fan. Although he is infallible and all that, he cheers for the Browns as a way to stay in touch with human suffering.

Trust me, God is worried about all aspects of human suffering. He created it. Why wouldn’t he worry about it? But I expect on Sunday when I am in Philadelphia watching a crappy Eagles game on TV with Mike Huckabee, God will text me and ask, “Can you believe Johnny Manziel isn’t starting?”

That’s exactly, swear to God, whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 3 NFL Picks By Pope Francis” »

Week 2 NFL Picks By Donald Trump; Face Judge

September 19, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

I’m goin’ surfin’ cause I don’t like your face
I’m bailing out because I hate the race
Of rats that run around and ’round in the maze
- Weezer

These Week 2 NFL Picks by Donald Trump don’t like your face.

tom-brady and Donald TrumpI like Tom Brady’s face. Tom Brady endorsed me. Tom is the most ethical person who ever married a supermodel. I know about these things. If you endorse me, you will look like Tom Brady or or his supermodel wife, Gisele Bundchen. Only then will I like your face.

When you cheer for a team that isn’t the Cleveland Browns, your face is stupid. Your face should be kept behind a wall. Your face has no energy because your team is run by losers,

On the other hand, the Cleveland Browns, like Trump, are winners. Just as “bankruptcy” is only a word, the Cleveland Browns won/loss record is meaningless “numbers.” Believe what I say, not what you see. We’re going to make America great again, and we’re going to start by making the Cleveland Browns great again.

I’m betting that you can imagine that I can offer tons of specifics about why the Cleveland Browns will be the best team in the NFL this year, despite being demolished in their first game. And you believe that sometime soon I am going to lay out in detail my reasons. I’ve got advisors. I’ve watched Jon Gruden talk on TV. I’ve played Madden.552038033MB00013_141st_Kent

Look, by the time I make these picks I’m going to know more about football than Vince Lombardi knew about knitting. People who I pay – a lot of money, by the way – tell me that I am the smartest person they know and that I know more about the NFL than anyone. Not to be a braggart, but I am probably the greatest person who has ever lived.

I go to church. I don’t really pray to God. I more talk to Him. Give Him advice. I told God that he really screwed up with the aardvark, and I asked how could a guy create both marijuana and Josh Gordon. Not fair, I said, especially for a guy who also created the Cleveland Browns.

Turns out that God is a woman. So, yeah, you should have seen Her face when She told me Whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 2 NFL Picks By Donald Trump; Face Judge” »

Week 1 NFL Picks By Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis

September 08, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

The preacher said, ‘You know you always have the Lord on your side’
And I was so pleased to be informed of this
That I ran twenty red lights in his honor
- Rolling Stones

These Week 1 NFL Picks by me, Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, are 100 percent correct. It will not matter what happens in the games. I am right.

Trust me. I’ve read one book. I’ve seen one football game. I like one football team.

Gay Marriage-KentuckyWhen God called me the other day on my county clerk red telephone, my God hotline, He told me that the Cleveland Browns would not lose a game this season. That’s what I heard, not the Fax machine noise nonbelievers have said I would have heard from that phone number.

God also told me in that phone call that despite any Earthly evidence I might be presented, I was righteous to believe in my heart that the Cleveland Browns have never lost a game  – ever.

The concerns and feelings of all other fans, He told me in that phone call, did not matter because only my beliefs matter. “Think of yourself as just like Roger Goodell,” He said to me.browns heaven

hotlineSo I, Kim Davis, acting exactly like Roger Goodell. stand up for what is righteous – the Cleveland Browns and no other NFL teams. Well, that’s not what Roger Goodell does. But he should.

There’s not room for anyone on Earth who doesn’t believe as I do. I swear, I’ll go to jail standing up for my religious right to denigrate anyone who isn’t a Browns fan.

What’s that? I’m going to jail for standing up for my religious right to denigrate anyone who isn’t a Browns fan? No, you can’t be serious. That’s not whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 1 NFL Picks By Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis” »

2015 NFL Season Picks, Republican Candidate For Prognosticator Of The United States

July 24, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

He was taken to task by some critics who asked,
Do you write the words or lyrics first?
- Michael Stanley Band

These 2015 NFL Season Picks are so outraged at how the world has evolved without me   that I declare my candidacy for the Republican nomination for Prognosticator of the United States of America. I will not be deflated.

Comedy Central Roast of Donald TrumpIn fact, I’m going to out-crazy Donald Trump. I’m picking the Cleveland Browns to catch a wave all the way to the Super Bowl. Immediately I’ve got an ethnic group I’d like to offend – Pittsburgh Steelers fans.

My specific aim is to offend all aspects of common sense by first declaring that last year’s top four teams, the New England Patriots, the Seattle Seahawks, the Green Bay Packers, and Denver Broncos are chumps. Each of those teams lost at least four games. brownselfguitar

I don’t like losers. I like the Cleveland Browns.

So Trump’s got nothing on me in terms of hypocrisy either. As a politician, I find hypocrisy to be an asset. As a football fan, I find it to be a necessity. (See: head injuries)

Every four years when I bombastically run for the Republican nomination, I  turn to the 1950s for inspiration. That’s when the Cleveland Browns were the best team in football, and marriage was only allowed between one miserable man and one miserable woman, who cheered for the same football team because one of the two decided it should be so. (And then they raised their children to cheer for the same now-miserable team. Sigh.)

Now a miserable man can marry another miserable man. And they can cheer for different NFL teams. Same with two miserable women. Two different football teams in the same marriage? This is madness. It’s time to stop this government-sanctioned  expansion of lifetime suffering, and go back to the old definition of marriage – one football team per household.Jeb

HillaryWhile there are about 20 of us outraged and sanctimonious Republicans running, I hope to be the most sanctimonious after Rick Santorum, because no one can outgoogle Santorum. Not even my personal hero and role model, Johnny Manziel.

Speaking of Johnny Football, I needed a campaign logo so I purchased the Johnny Manziel money sign on ebay for $5.93. It is now on my campaign sign just like that Money Manzielgoofy Hillary arrow, and the designed-by-a-girl-in-junior-high, “Jeb!”  And mine is true. I really need money. For beer. Um, campaign beer.

Unfortunately, it will take more than a lowest-common-denominator logo to win this race. That is why I want a strong defense, and I want to toss many, many bombs at the enemy.

People tell me Iran is an enemy. I don’t know. I run for office and I’m not worried. Iran, I run. All I know is one of these is American,and the other needs an NFL team.

Which leads me to my foreign policy to help drive America’s economic engine. America should cut American taxes and then buy Greece, make it our 51st state, and then move the Jacksonville Jaguars to Athens and watch those Greek NFL dollars save our 51st state, and thus our other 50.

If there were NFL teams in Kabul and Baghdad, there would be peace on Earth. ISIS is just a bunch of frustrated football fans without a team. Maybe the Jacksonville Jaguars should move to Baghdad. I have many ideas on how the NFL can save the world, and in the end they all involve the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl.

We are living at the end of times. By that, I  mean the end of the time when the Cleveland Browns have not won a Super Bowl  Obviously, I am a very religious candidate. I pray daily to the empty suit of Roger Goodell. I always defer to a power greater than myself when it comes to Whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “2015 NFL Season Picks, Republican Candidate For Prognosticator Of The United States” »

Super Bowl 49 Pick By The NFL Prophet of Belichickistry, Deflated McGee

January 23, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 Playoffs, Super Bowl

Inside the museums,
Infinity goes up on trial
- Bob Dylan

This Super Bowl 49 prediction is by certified NFL prophet, Deflated McGee. I have decided to start the world’s next great religion, Belichickistry.

belichickistryI have no explanation for what happened. But if you’d like to get in on the ground floor of a new religion, listen up. I am interviewing for disciples every day next week in Arizona. If you’d like to be a disciple and want a have great chance at a book contract with thousands of years of royalties, you also should have no explanation for what happened.

For now, I bring you word of a gambler’s paradise, a place so devoid of scruples that the lack of scruples is praised in taverns throughout this land as being extremely scrupulous. The land I speak of is, of course, New England.

I am Deflated McGee, a prophet with deflated balls. Even my crystal balls are deflated. But it matters not. For I am offering spiritual guidance to all of my gambling followers. I am a prophet for profit.

I am not The One, merely a conduit – telling all I have learned in my journey to conference with a spirit beyond – yes, the spirit of a Bill Belichick press conference.Pabst

So when you take your required pilgrimage of Belichickistry to the refrigerator for the first of your sacred ceremonial Pabst Blue Ribbons, please pause a moment to pay homage to my certification as a high-level prophet. I was certified in Las Vegas by prophet-maker Johnny Manziel and his quarterback coach, Jack Daniels.

It was in a Vegas bathroom with Manziel and a rolled up $20 bill that I first heard the phrase, “I have no explanation for what happened.”  Right then, I knew one thing. It was time for me, as a fledgling prophet, to start the world’s next great religion, Belichickistry.  This new religion legitimizes Johnny Manziel.

It is so simple, based on a zen-like focus that allows one to do literally anything as long you never ever stray from the script of, “I have no explanation for what happened.”

A Belichickistry world is my vision of utopia. If my predictions are wrong, I have no explanation for what happened.

deflated footballBut it extends far beyond me and my future reputation as a prophet trying to compete with the established religious brands. Belichickistry is a religion that can save you a lot of trouble up front. All those other religions have that stuff about being nice, whereas Belichickistry is a religion of ignorance as explanation. Anyone willing to offer “no explanation for what happened” can join this religion.

I am Deflated McGee, and I am a NFL prophet. One more thing. Don’t go drawing any cartoons of me. If you do, you know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Super Bowl 49 Pick By The NFL Prophet of Belichickistry, Deflated McGee” »

NFL Conference Championship Picks By FOX News

January 17, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 Playoffs

There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold
And she’s buying a stairway to heaven
- Led Zeppelin

Boo!  Hi, I am Megyn Gretchen with your FOX News NFL Conference Championship Picks, just in case you haven’t been killed yet.

Lombardi TrophyLet’s go to my guest, the craziest person my producers could find, to bring some perspective to this discussion. But before we get to Skip Bayless…

Boo! Or, if you are a Cleveland Browns fan, Johnny Manziel!

I’m Megyn Gretchen. Look, I have legs!FOX News

So Andrew Luck, Russel Wilson, Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers are playing this weekend, yet no one is talking about Benghazi. This goes to show you about the bias of the mainstream media.

And did you know that Obama tells the referees to make bad decisions because he’s a socialist who wants to spread the wealth around? Well, it’s as true as anything else I have ever told you. So if you believe that, you probably believe this is whatzgonnahappen.  Continue reading “NFL Conference Championship Picks By FOX News” »

NFL Divisional Playoff Picks By An Offensive Cartoon

January 08, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 Playoffs

Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
- John Lennon

These NFL Divisional Playoff picks are from the prophet Mohammed (Muhammad’s drunk twin brother), who was wrong when he predicted the Cleveland Browns would win this year’s Super Bowl.

Prophet Muhammad loves the Cleveland BrownsWhen the prophet Mohammed told a Cleveland homeless guy – I think his name is Elmer – that drafting Johnny Manziel was a divine intoxicated idea, Mohammed and Elmer the homeless guy were wrong. Right then, both should quit vodka.

Not Manziel, though. He needs more vodka. I’ve once heard myself say maybe he plays better when he’s drunk. He certainly didn’t when I was.

So anyway, I have been told that most people who believe in the prophet Mohammed say that he never picked the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl. I was asked if I was insulting enough to think that the prophet Mohammed is the kind of an idiot who would pick the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl?

I shrugged.

Don’t lump us in with those few knuckleheads who have no idea what the prophet Mohammed actually said, said the great majority of voices in my head.

I was told that the prophet Mohammed made clear in his best-selling book that one of the teams below (not the Browns) will be the Super Bowl champ this year.

Please don’t shoot the messenger just because you don’t like whatzgonnahappen Continue reading “NFL Divisional Playoff Picks By An Offensive Cartoon” »

Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks From Your New Year’s Resolutions

January 01, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 Playoffs

Every year is getting shorter
Never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught
Or half a page of scribble lines
- Pink Floyd

These Wildcard Weekend NFL picks hereby resolve to be nice. We are dieting too. Oh hell – you are a jerk, and we want pie.

Okay, how about this… We resolve to pick the Cleveland Browns to win this weekend. They will not lose, say we. We will lose… weight. We are dieting.

Stephen A. Smith & Skip Bayless love the BrownsNo? Well how about resolve to resolve to learn about sports, and not just rely on Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless for our opinions. Yeah, everyone loves that one.

We are on a roll. We resolve that all the money that we win on the bet we bet we made on the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl will be invested in Johnny Manziel-Brand Vodka. The vodka is destined to be a success. The Browns, not so much.

About that. We still resolve that we believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win this year’s Super Bowl. And that’s why my New Year’s resolutions fail by January 1st of every year.

So let me eat this cake, and this pie, and tell you and every other moron out there whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks From Your New Year’s Resolutions” »