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Week 10 NFL Picks, The Allegations Are True
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Week 10 NFL Picks, The Allegations Are True

November 12, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Playoffs

These Week 10 NFL picks have just received a copy of an astonishing apology issued by the Cleveland Browns to their fans for years of inappropriate behavior.

“The allegations are true. We have totally screwed the fans for years against their will,” said the beginning of a press release by the Cleveland Browns.

The most the team has ever said in the past was the rote, “We apologize to anyone we may have offended with our horrible football.”

But this was an explicit admission. The team screwed the fans.

Okay, this is fake news. The Browns have not admitted anything.

They have instead cited the Bible and the story of how Joseph drafted Bernie Kosar on his way to Bethlehem, or something like that. The Cleveland Browns ever-evolving explanations for why they screwed the fans against their will are a bit difficult to fathom.

And yet, denial is not just a river in Egypt. It is the official policy of the Cleveland Browns, who deny screwing anyone or anything up.

All is going according to plan with the Browns just as in Washington DC and Hollywood, where no one has ever screwed anyone against their will.

Considering that things never change, it’s now clear whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 10 NFL Picks, The Allegations Are True” »

Week 9 NFL Picks Under Indictment

November 02, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Well you’re where you should be all the time
And when you’re not you’re with
Some underworld spy, or the wife of a close friend
– Carly Simon

The recent indictment of the Cleveland Browns season is fake news to these Week 9 NFL picks. The Browns don’t lose every week. They won’t lose this week.

Sure, some members of the staff may have colluded with the Philadelphia Eagles to deliver the best quarterback in the league to that team. And, okay, they may possibly have also colluded with the Houston Texans to deliver the most exciting rookie quarterback ever to that team.

But there has been no collusion, believe me.

Other teams are bad. It’s not just the Cleveland Browns. The San Francisco 49ers are bad. Wait, what? The 49ers just traded for who? The Browns wanted him. Or maybe they didn’t want him. Either way, NO COLLUSION!

There has been no collusion. The coaching staff can’t even work with the front office. Never mind what’s going on on Twitter.

And while there has been absolutely no collusion whatsoever, believe me, it’s apparent to anyone living in a white house in Cleveland, Ohio or even anywhere in the country that someone very high up is about to take a big fall.

Because if there was any collusion it’s the NFL colluding against Josh Gordon, who smoked pot and was suspended a total of 56 games while the standard suspension for domestic violence is six games. That’s not fake news. It’s just sad!

Under circumstances such as these, it’s so simple that anyone who has ever heard of a white house, knows that what should happen is probably not whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 9 NFL Picks Under Indictment” »

Week 8 NFL Picks From A Grassy Knoll

October 28, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

I shouted out,
Who killed the Kennedys?
When after all
It was you and me
– Rolling Stones

After more than five decades, secret files have been released showing I acted alone making these Week 8 NFL picks. Or did I?

Ever since the early 1960s, conspiracy theories have floated as to what exactly happened when the Cleveland Browns last won a championship. After that moment, our innocence died. Things would never be the same again. And for decades the government kept these juicy details locked away.

But now we know that the then new Browns owner, Art Modell was already secretly meeting with city officials in Baltimore with his now-clear plan to move the Browns to Baltimore three decades later.

We also know that starting in the 1999 and probably continuing to this day, the parents of future Browns quarterbacks have conspired to produce a mediocre quarterbacks, 28 and counting. This is like the Da Vinci Code, only it is called the Spergon Wynn Code.

As soon as they won their last championship in 1964, they began a spiral that started in the next championship game with a 65-12 thrashing from the Green Bay Packers.

Soon they’d be losing to the Dallas Cowboys in championship games. Dallas, of all cities. Something else historic happened in Dallas in the early 1960s too. I can’t remember what.

But the Browns were done winning championships by the early 1960s. The Browns started losing championship games to Dallas, and Green Bay, and the Baltimore Colts, who later moved to Indianapolis, which was part of the conspiracy.

Don’t say “Baltimore” around me. I’ve got a few conspiracy theories. Hello, Alex Jones…

And President Trump is part of it. Why do you think he’s keeping some of it secret. He signed Brian Sipe from the Browns for his goofy USFL when Brian Sipe was playing like an NFL MVP.

And everyone now knows, because of the released files, that Trump was planning that since the early 1960s when he was bored one November afternoon while cleaning his NRA-approved gun on a grassy knoll in Dallas.

And so, given history, you never know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 8 NFL Picks From A Grassy Knoll” »

Week 7 NFL Picks, You Know What You Signed Up For

October 19, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

I can tell by your coat, my friend
you’re from the other side
There’s just one thing I got to know
Can you tell me please, who won?
– Crosby, Stills and Nash

These week 7 NFL Picks would like to express some awesome condolences to Cleveland Browns fans for all the losing. If you cheer for the Browns you know what signed up for, but I guess it still hurts.

Sure, every week I tell you they are going to win and every week they lose. I know it was actually me who told you they were going to win, but you signed up for it. Plus if you accuse me of predicting the Browns would win, I’ll deny it.

When you choose to root for that particular NFL team, you have chosen a team that may lose from now until eternity. You don’t see me cheering for the Cleveland Browns, do you?

I root for the New Jersey Generals, because I love generals.

So is this the greatest expression of sympathy ever, or what? I rate it a 10 out of 10. You won’t see Peter King or Mike Florio giving you Browns sympathy like this.

No NFL writer in the history of NFL writing has expressed such tremendous condolences. Not even Mark Twain or Shakespeare, when they covered the NFL, were as sympathetic to the plight of Cleveland Browns fans as me. And the Browns sucked during their eras too.

I know my facts. Hemingway covered the glory years. Other than that, there has been centuries of losing. Pathetic losing. My competition covering the Browns is not Peter King, it is Stephen King.

You know. You cheer for this horror show, right? It’s sad! You’re sad!

Seriously, am I the best or what?

Oh, you ARE sad? Yeah, well. That stinks. I mean it stinks for you.

Your team drafted Brady Quinn, Brandon Weeden and Johnny Manziel, all in the first round all within five years. And they all sucked, and you still root for the team. You know what you signed up for.

So have a great day. I’m now going to forget about your troubles and go golfing. Again and again, that’s whatzonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 7 NFL Picks, You Know What You Signed Up For” »

Week 6 NFL Picks Without Health Insurance

October 15, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Doctor, doctor, give me the news
I’ve got a bad case of loving you
– Robert Palmer

These Week 6 NFL Picks suffer from a pre-existing condition called, Rooting For The Cleveland Browns.

There is no cure. Pharmaceutical companies have invested millions of dollars looking, but to no avail.

So when the President of the United States, working in conjunction with the leadership of the Cleveland Browns, took away the subsidies that pay for the treatment that doesn’t cure me, I was thrilled.

This is all true. None of it is fake news. Everyone knows that the President is obsessed with the NFL, and that he loves Ohio but hates the Browns. He has hated the Browns since he owned the New Jersey Generals and signed Brian Sipe.

And he has been working hard in recent years to make sure the Browns didn’t draft Carson Wentz, and didn’t draft Deshaun Watson, because he hates the Browns.

After convincing Jimmy Haslam that the best guy to run a football team is a baseball guy, the president gutted my health insurance with the NFL-specific purpose of making me suffer because he hates the Browns.

But he didn’t do his research. He can’t make the suffering worse. Can he? Please tell me that’s not whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 6 NFL Picks Without Health Insurance” »

Week 5 NFL Picks, Full of Thoughts & Prayers

October 07, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Every day your memory grows dimmer
It doesn’t haunt me like it did before
I’ve been walking through the mirror to nowhere
Tryin’ to get to heaven before they close the door
– Bob Dylan

These week 5 NFL Picks, having done no research, would like to thank you for your thoughts and prayers after my horrible picks last week when I picked the Cleveland Browns to win.

This week, I am picking Browns. Yes, the Browns again. Every week, I pick the Browns and every week the Browns lose, and then you offer your thoughts and prayers.

Golly, thanks.

You have no idea how comforting that is, or is not. Seriously, you with your thoughts and prayers, who have never cheered for such a team ever, have no idea of this pain. Do you?

And while I have repeatedly asked for your help in learning about football, you said that now was not the time for me to learn the rules of football or what exactly a quarterback does.

That is a conversation for sometime in the future. That is what I have been told ever since I first asked.

Yet every week when I get the picks wrong, people are horrified. 

The Browns, again? Yes, the Browns again.

At this point, I can’t even remember why I am picking the Cleveland Browns to win again after so many horrible losses when my pleas for help are continually ignored. But I do.

It’s what happened, and forever it’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 5 NFL Picks, Full of Thoughts & Prayers” »

Week 4 NFL Picks, Oh Say Can You See?

September 28, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Some folks are born, made to wave the flag,
Oooh, they’re red white and blue
And when the band plays “Hail To The Chief”
Ooo, they point the cannon at you, Lord
– Creedence Clearwater Revival

Before you read these Week 4 NFL Picks, please stand for our national anthem.

Here comes the second paragraph, so please stand again for our national anthem.

Yesterday, going about my daily business I heard the national anthem 4,327 times, from when when the light at the corner turned from red to green, to when I pumped gas and had to pause for our national anthem just after choosing to fill up with unleaded regular.

My favorite football team, the Cleveland Browns, have traditionally played the national anthem before they lose football games. Once last year, they played it before they won, but I think the idea is to play it

before they lose.

 

I have never understood why the national anthem is played before sporting events but not before a movie, or a play or a concert, or…. a goofy football predictions column.

Therefore, please stand for our national anthem before you find out whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 4 NFL Picks, Oh Say Can You See?” »

Week 2 NFL Picks, Curated by Sarah Huckabee Sanders

September 17, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Take this job and shove it
I ain’t working here no more
– Johnny Paycheck

These week 2 NFL picks have been curated by White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who then declared them to be a fireable offense.

I think she said this because last Friday I predicted that the Patriots would lose the game that they lost they day before. The White House, all big Patriots fans, declared my prediction of the actual score from a game that already happened to be fake news, offensive, and a fireable offense.

I thought I was stating facts, but the White House said there are “many sides” to the score of 42-27. It is hard to argue with that.

And so I have just fired myself, at the request of the White House. Instead, I will be filing these columns from Breitbart News, where I have an office next to my new best friend, Steve Bannon, who told me long ago that the President reads Whatzgonnahappen more often than he reads national security reports.

I think that Bannon, like me, is a Cleveland Browns fan and, in fact, an orange nationalist. Well, he may have meant something different when he said, “orange.” Okay, we are not exactly alike.

Like Bannon, I still talk to the President two or three times a week. So when I informed him that I had fired myself, he seemed both pleased and angry with me and added, “I’d like you to be the last person I talk to before I make a decision.” Since he is famous for holding the opinion of the last person he talked to, I agreed.

“So on North Korea,” he said, “You and me. We’ll figure out whatzgonnahappen.” Continue reading “Week 2 NFL Picks, Curated by Sarah Huckabee Sanders” »

Week 1 NFL Picks By A Dreamer

September 10, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

You call me a fool
You say it’s a crazy scheme
But this one’s for real
I already bought the dream
– Steely Dan

These Week 1 NFL Picks, dreaming of a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl, do not understand why anyone wants to send dreamers to Mexico.

Can I get Browns games on TV in Mexico? If not, what good is my dream?

Am I native born? How do I know? I don’t even remember being born. I just know that my nationality is Cleveland Browns fan, and I have been dreaming of a Super Bowl championship for my whole life. Thus, I am a dreamer. No?

But now I am told I have to go to Mexico even though I went to school here and learned all about history, such as Jim Brown and Leroy Kelly and Otto Graham. So tossing me and others like me out seems wrong, almost like moving a team to Baltimore.

Joining the resistance is most likely futile considering that my dreams have been dashed for, well forever.

I am a dreamer whose dreams are now for the Cleveland Browns to move to Mexico City, or something. I am actually unsure of why I am being kicked out of the country. Is it because my dreams have never come true?

Still, NFL Picks like these are a unique job created in America. Is this country seriously going to ship a good job like this to Mexico? Is that whatzgonnahappen? Continue reading “Week 1 NFL Picks By A Dreamer” »

2017 NFL Season Picks – Apocalypse Not Now, Please

September 02, 2017 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

He was taken to task by some critics who asked, Do you write the words or lyrics first?
– Michael Stanley Band

These 2017 NFL season Picks, certain that the Cleveland Browns will win the Super Bowl, if there is a Super Bowl, are afraid of a crazy man on Twitter, whatever Twitter is.

I have heard that World War III is likely to start on this Twitter thing, which would probably cause the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win to be cancelled. That would be sad for Browns fans.

If there isn’t a nuclear war, the second escape hatch from some crazy thing I just heard about called, impeachment, is civil war. I am not good with history but I think this plan has something to do with people attached to a statue of Benedict Arnold.

A civil war might also cause the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win to be cancelled. To reiterate, that would be sad for Browns fans. The Cleveland Browns play in a place officially called, The Factory of Sadness. They do not need any more sadness by not playing in the Super Bowl they are going to win just because of a couple of stupid catastrophic wars.

As you can obviously tell, these 2017 NFL season picks are printed on fine stock paper and have been delivered to your doorstep by my friend named… well never mind about that. He’s not from this country.

This brings me back to Twitter, something I have not seen because I have never been on the Internet. By holding this nice stock of paper in your hands right now, you are probably also the type of person who wonders what Twitter is.

It turns out that a crazy person lives there, right on Twitter.

My friend, Pedro told me that there is a crazy, semi-literate man on Twitter who wants to get rid of people like himself. Did I say Pedro? Never mind about that. Pretend I said name like, I don’t know, how about Donald?

Tom Brady eating grilled unicorn.

Anyway, having heard about this thing called Twitter and this crazy man who uses it during his very emotional 5 a.m. bowel movements, I am even worried about the President of the United States favorite quarterback, Tom Brady.

Tom Brady, on a diet of acorns, seaweed and grilled unicorn, is playing at 40 and has shown zero signs of the aging that has affected every other quarterback in NFL history before they hit his age.

He is the President’s favorite quarterback. So my hope is that the President of the United States can stop the crazy, semi-literate buffoon on Twitter from setting off a nuclear war, which would cancel the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win. I want Cleveland Browns fans to be happy, or at least alive this Super Bowl.

Maybe the President can get the nutjob I heard about off of Twitter. Or maybe he can at least get the sad, failing, fake news, lying’, low-energy, crooked, dopey overrated guy to tweet, “Browns will win Super Bowl. No war, nuclear or civil. I am going to read a book. That’s whatzonnahappen.” Continue reading “2017 NFL Season Picks – Apocalypse Not Now, Please” »