Re-elected by you, my liberal agenda is clear. The Cleveland Browns will win Super Bowl XLVII. It’s my second term, I am all in.

My first order of business is to redistribute the Harbaugh family wealth. No single family should have the Super Bowl to themselves. Therefore, by executive order, the Cleveland Browns are in the Super Bowl. Party!

Yes, I’m bailing out my favorite football team. Plus just to use some of this excess political capital, I sold Kansas to the Taliban to create a multi-religious Land Of The Righteous where everyone gets a holy book and a gun. Enjoy.

Do I feel entitled? According to my new tax code, Aaron Rodgers is now a Cleveland Brown.

The Baltimore Ravens versus the San Francisco 49ers in the Super Bowl? Who said that, FOX News, FOX sports? Karl Rove and Terry Bradshaw are hilarious. Oh, I get it. Super Bowl XLVII is some kind of Catfish scam; an imaginary matchup. How come the Cleveland Browns aren’t in the game?

I believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win this Super Bowl. Sure, I am delusional but if you think delusional is bad, you are delusional. Delusions make the world go round. Trust me.

I am no George W. Bush chasing imaginary weapons of mass destruction. My Super Bowl conspiracy theory is true, and I know all about true conspiracy theories. I am a Kenyan-born socialist flag-burning gay handicapped Spanish speaking Muslim woman with a lifetime membership to an abortion clinic. I can’t fool anyone.

So heck, to replace Kansas on the flag that I like to burn for fuel because I don’t like fossil fuels, Washington DC is now a state. Watch out, Texas. I’m also looking for room on the flag for Puerto Rico. Plus once Fidel Castro dies, it’s only a matter of time until Cuba is a state and Havana gets an NFL team, the Havana Hawks.

That’s how I plan to solve immigration… with NFL expansion. It’s so much kinder than standard colonization. Truth.

So, Ravens and 49ers in the Super Bowl in Barack Obama’s America?

Against all my instincts, I am allowing this to happen. Don’t tell me I am not bipartisan. I’ve seen the intelligence reports from the CIA and the Navy Seals. The Harbaugh brothers have been plotting for decades, and no one can stop whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Super Bowl XLVII Pick By A Re-Elected Liberal President Suspecting A Catfish Scam” »

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
- Jefferson Airplane

These Conference Championship NFL Picks have never used PEDs to pick the games. Obviously. Or is it? I deny my denial.

It was pure hard work and God-given talent that allowed me to pick last week’s Patriots-Texans score almost exactly. Look it up. Don’t look at the other three games. Especially not the Saturday games. The PEDs had not kicked in when I was picking those games.

Look, I’ve always wanted to do PEDs. But I think I did PEZ instead. I need a copy editor. Sure, the PEZ dispenser was filled with steroids, HGH, and Adderal, but as best as I knew I was taking pure PEZ, just like Manny Ramirez. I have plausible deniability. I think.

Want to go for a bike ride? I’ll race you!

This weekend is like the second final stage of the Tour de NFL, and I am juiced up for it. But don’t you dare accuse me of being juiced up because I’ll just issue wildly inaccurate statements about how I believe the Cleveland Browns are sure to win both games this Sunday, and then you’ll be so confused that you won’t know how to respond. Exactly.

I am raising money for people suffering from an apparently fatal disease called “Futilely Cheering For The Cleveland Browns To Win A Championship.” It has been a fatal disease since 1964, as sadly, many Cleveland Browns fans have died since 1964. If only they had won a few championships since then. What a difference it could have made.

My story is heartwarming. I am waiting on a new delivery of PEZ. Did I mention my story is heartwarming? No, I did not say heartburning.

So by the end of this weekend, if this PEZ dispenser shaped like Barry Bonds steroid-bighead (not his post-steroid regular head) is any good, the following will take place. And I will stand by all of this until the end of time, or until there is enough evidence that I don’t have any choice as to admit that this is actually whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Conference Championship NFL Picks By Lance Armstrong (Tour de NFL edition)” »

If you start me up
If you start me up I’ll never stop
- The Rolling Stones

Global Warming here with your hot Divisional NFL Picks while we await next week’s smoking Brady versus Manning matchup.

Hottest year in history? You bet. Did you see those rookie quarterbacks? How about the comebacks by Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning? Heck, Richard Nixon is now 100 years old, and he’s literally hotter than hell.

Where did I come from, you ask? My father was an aerosol can of a man. My mother was a farting cow. Family lore has it that I was conceived inside of a diesel truck full of plastic bags and coal, but I think I might be a triplet to Rex and Rob Ryan because all three of us are full of hot air.

So just like Rex Ryan, I also got tattoo of my wife wearing a jersey of my favorite quarterback ever. She’s a Tsunami of a woman. On the tattoo, she  is wearing a Spergon Wynn jersey because I once had a very bad fever.

And now I’ve got a fever for this weekend’s games. This is my favorite NFL weekend of the year, so I hope my children will leave me alone to watch the games. Some of my children, I swear, are hurricanes. Have you met Sandy?

As Global Warming, I am doing everything I can to bring tropical weather to polar bears because I think polar bears deserve some warm weather too. Shout out to polar bears! But not the Chicago Bears. Jay Cutler gives me the chills.

Speaking of chills, I’ve got the flu that’s going around. I believe it is called the Chip Kelly Virus. It causes you to become delusional and lose all perspective. So yeah, I’ve become a Republican, which I guess is kind of odd because that means that I don’t believe in me.

I do believe we are in for some fantastic football this weekend. The playoffs are heating up. So sit back and enjoy the games because soon enough I am going to get rip-roaring drunk on carbon monoxide and methane. and start throwing things around again. But you already knew that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Divisional NFL Playoff Picks By Global Warming After The Hottest Year Ever” »

I’m fakin no moves and fakin no jax
Flavor Flav is back on the dome relax
- Flavor Flav

These Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks are bulletproof, says me.  Trust me. I am the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre’s favorite gun.

And together we say that the Cleveland Browns won’t lose this NFL wildcard weekend. Got it?

Call me Crazy. No really, that’s my name. “I’ll show you crazy!” Wayne LaPierre likes to shout when he waves me around. Wayne LaPierre scares even me, and I am a gun. I think I need to buy a tank to protect myself. That’s legal, right?

I am currently hanging out at recess at the local elementary school, you know, to protect the kids. My trigger is getting itchy as I think about the upcoming Seahawks/Redskins game. I am so excited. I want to shoot at the sky as if I am at a fun Middle Eastern wedding. That’s also legal, right?

Two great young quarterbacks are in that Seattle/Washington game. Robert Griffin III and Russell Wilson are young gunslingers. I am just like them, only I am a gun.

The worst two quarterbacks still playing this weekend are Christian Ponder and Joe Flacco. They are not just like me. They are like a bow and arrow. What’s the point of putting the likes of them in every kindergarten class in America?

The truth is that guns in schools is the first of a series of incremental steps necessary to make America safe. First small guns. Then big guns. Then tanks. Armed guards on rooftops, guarded by other armed guards in case any armed guards go rogue. In fact, the only way to make our schools truly safe is to arm each one with a nuclear weapon – you know, like Peyton Manning or Tom Brady.

But why stop with schools?

The only way this country is ever really going to become safe again is if every man, woman and child in America is packing a nuclear weapon on their person. A sort of widespread theory of mutually assured destruction – “MAD.” This logic kept the peace for decades with the Soviet Union. Surely the threat of mutually assured destruction would keep the peace in, say, a stadium full of drunk NFL fans wearing opposing team jerseys. So that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks By NRA VP Wayne LaPierre’s Favorite Gun” »

Due to personal issues, this column is on a two-week temporary sabbatical.

It will return for the playoffs. Thanks to all three of you who read this.

Merry Christmas. Sleep in heavenly peace.

Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
- Eurythmics

These week 15 NFL picks are making your damn Christmas presents. Bah humbug, bitches! But not you, Browns fans. Joy to the world!

Ernie the elf here. More appropriately, my name should be Elvis the elf, but my pathetic parents called me Ernie because of Ernie from Sesame Street. I’ve got issues. I hate everyone named Bert.  Also, Christmas really pisses me off. As an elf, I mean.

If I think about it differently, I guess I love Christmas as much as everyone. But I’m an elf, damn it.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want some big scandal quoting me in the newspapers. I am just an elf, dude.

I am not a politician or public figure even though my work is well-known world wide. Look, it’s true. I am the best elf up here. Ask anyone. I am the Tom Brady of elves, okay? But that doesn’t give you the right to quote me using my words about how much I hate the mostly selfish (not elfish) people my contract requires I make presents for.

Sure, I signed the contract of my own free will. And yes, Scott Boras represents me so I received a rather lucrative contract. The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were bidding for my services, but I gave Santa a hometown discount. Ha! Not really. Scott Boras represents me.

The truth is that most of the crap I manufacture up here you will be able to buy in five years at the dollar store for fifty cents. But not all of it. Sometimes, I make dreams come true. Are you listening Browns fans? Shh, Santa is drinking vodka with Bigfoot right now so I can do this while he’s telling old reindeer stories. For me, if you’ve heard one reindeer story, you’ve heard them all. I am jaded that way.

Anyway, there are budget negotiations going on up here. There is talk of a fiscal cliff and the loss of entitlements. I follow all of this like any elf would. But I am a Browns fan and now there is talk of the rich being not as well off as they have been for a generation. This probably sounds familiar, but  what this really means for Cleveland Browns fans is that I think my present this year is going to be extra special. All I have to do is sneak the Lombardi Trophy into Santa’s bag when he makes his Cleveland trip. So that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks From Santa’s Workshop” »

This is the end
Beautiful friend
The end
My only friend, the end
- The Doors

These week 14 picks are the work of Mayans on Medicare. Face it, the Mayans aren’t getting any younger.

Plus most Mayans are depressed Oakland Raiders fans on Mexican antidepressants – now legal in Colorado and Washington state. That’s why Mayans need Medicare. They have tattoos that say, “Don’t get tattoos,” and when they play the Chiefs they ask if the linebacker with the gun wears a green dot on his helmet. It’s a Mayan thing.

Mayans need Medicare at least a few more days until all Mayans are required to dance Gangnam Style into emergency rooms on December 21. That’s explicitly how their world ends, Gangnam Style wearing Oakland Raiders gear. I saw it on a TV show, it must be true.

Look, I love a good end of the world as much as the next guy. The world ending is almost always something to look forward to. To the best of my memory, it ends at least once every couple of years. Hey, it’s the end of the world today. What are you doing tomorrow?

There is always some lunatic knucklehead claiming he knows better than the rest of us, including scientists. And there are always gullible knuckleheads willing to believe the first knucklehead. That’s how conspiracy theories work. Trust me on this. I am a Cleveland Browns fan. They are really going to win the next Super Bowl. And yes, I need a conspiracy for this to happen.

The truth is that the world continues as long as the Cleveland Browns have a shot at the playoffs. And mathematically, I think it’s still possible. End of the world? Let me quote the Mayans directly, “Malarkey.”

I think the Mayans are just angry about a Yelp review of their calendar that called it primitive and incomplete. They are just another empire that hasn’t evolved their online presence. It’s 2012, you think they’d figure it out. But no. Instead they throw a bunch of end of the world baloney at us, and we’re supposed to believe that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 14 NFL Picks by Mayans Dancing Gangnam Style” »

I may be going to hell in a bucket, babe
But at least I’m enjoying the ride!
- The Grateful Dead

These week 13 NFL picks say it’s time to get rid of the Reggie Bush tax cuts. I’ve never understood why he’s the only guy in the country that needs help.

Yes, these Brady Quinn-jersey-wearing week 13 NFL picks by Senators Thelma and Louise, the Philadelphia Eagles, and Fireman Ed,  are barreling off of a cliff. Let us pray… for the Cleveland Browns and America, in that order.

Okay, praying never works for the Cleveland Browns. I’ve tried. He laughed at me.

But as a supporter of Cleveland Browns entitlement programs such as the recent eight-turnover win over a Pittsburgh Steelers team quarterbacked by a 37-year-old third string quarterback, I would hate to see the government go back to a time when the Cleveland Browns are expected to compete on a level playing field. Those days have long passed.

I believe in the welfare state. It helps the destitute, those who cannot help themselves. The proof is that last week it helped the Cleveland Browns. FDR was right, Reagan was wrong, and Art Modell was Football Satan or it might be the other way around.

A long time ago, the Cleveland Browns were run by Paul Brown and the rich ran the world as they should. Then Art Modell bought the team, fired Paul Brown, and pretty much ever since the rich have run the world as they shouldn’t. If you are smart enough to connect all the dots, everything in life is related to the fate of the team in orange helmets.

That’s why the physical fiscal cliff worries me so much. Have you ever seen a big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag? I have one in my backyard. My money pile is so tall, I can’t imagine leaping off of it. But what if the whole country put all our money together into a really big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag, and then we had to jump off of the the Cleveland Browns-flagged money cliff like some are suggesting? Gosh. Politicians are mean.

But I think when the Browns win the rest of their games and get in the playoffs and win the Super Bowl, all of this cliff jumping will be avoided. So that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks From The Physical Fiscal Cliff” »

Thank you for reading!
- Happy Thanksgiving

These Week 12 NFL picks love you man! Remember that thing that happened decades ago that still pisses me off? Get me another drink! Let’s talk politics.

Oh, I love you man. But I can’t believe what a loser jerk you are. Seriously, let’s talk politics. Your religion is stupid! Happy Thanksgiving. Isn’t it great that the Washington Redskins and New England Patriots created Thanksgiving. I love American history.

I am sorry, I have those facts wrong. That’s right, I am wrong. You got a problem with that?

It was the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys who created this national holiday that I love in the way that I love pie. I like cake more than pie. But I love to say “pie.” And I love Thanksgiving the way that I love pie.

What, so now you got a problem with pie? Me too. I want cake.

So let’s talk politics. Everything on this table was a gift from Mitt Romney, who said he wanted to buy my vote in the recent election. Actually, Mitt Romney bought me this house too. He wanted to buy gifts for voters like Obama did. But he only bought gifts for 100 of us. I have this house, a yacht, and two illegal immigrants to do my yard work. Mitt’s awesome! I voted for Obama, but Mitt’s awesome!

Pass the mashed potatoes. Want to know my opinion on rape?

I know everything about the NFL, of course. Tim Tebow is the best player ever. Did I ever tell you how stupid I think your religion is? Ed Reed should be suspended for life for being a Baltimore Raven. It’s offensive. Colin Kaepernick is better than Alex Smith, and the Cleveland Browns are going to win the next Super Bowl. Yeah, I’m smart and I get smarter when I drink.

Let me tell you what I would do about Israel and Palestine. Pass the stuffing. When you die, how much will I inherit? I love holidays when I get to share my knowledge and issues with you. This turkey is dry. I should have went out to eat.

Get me another drink and I’ll tell you all about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 12 NFL Picks By Your Drunk Uncle on Thanksgiving” »

Well you’re where you should be all the time
And when you’re not you’re with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
- Carly Simon

These week 11 NFL picks are having an affair with my biographer. I am writing an autobiography.

My autobiography begins when these week 11 NFL picks were found in General David Petraeus’ underwear by the FBI, acting on a tip from an unnamed New York Jet.

This week’s NFL picks are the next act in a bad soap opera script involving Tim Tebow, Mark Sanchez, Rex Ryan and the New York Jets. It’s actually a soap opera taking place on a train wreck. Sort of like a bombastic Titanic on land. So much bad romance. So much tragedy, and navel gazing. It’s the NFL written by Woody Allen, and directed by Irwin Allen.

Meanwhile, in other soap opera news related to these week 11 NFL picks, General Petraeus resigned, and Michael Vick has taken a bell-ringing break from the inner sanctums of It’s Never Sunny In The Philadelphia Eagles Locker Room.

Affairs and broken relationships are rampant across the NFL at this time of year, and there are plenty of conspiracy theories, according to my biographer. Norv Turner owns very valuable photographs. Jerry Jones takes advice from martians. Roger Goodell does not have a soul. For some fans, just like for some voters, it’s maddening.

Like many disgruntled citizens after the election, I understand the desire to secede. After the first half of the NFL season, I believe the Cleveland Browns should secede from the NFL. I do not understand why my predicted record for the Cleveland Browns of 9-0 by this point is only 2-7. My internal polling showed for sure they would win every game.

Someone has cheated. Teams have grown to expect wins just because they score more points than the Cleveland Browns. If that’s the kind of NFL we live in, just forget it. It means we have more takers of wins, than makers of Browns wins. I don’t know if it’s hopeless, but it’s troublesome.

After Petraeus, our best known general since Norman Schwarzkopf, became a spy and started running around like an American James Bond, these week 11 NFL picks became shaken, not stirred. Thus, a loud anonymous voice from the New York Jets locker room brought attention to the fact that these picks exist and some people say that, despite some very loud and public prayers, they are horrible.

It makes you wonder, now whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 11 NFL Picks From The General Soap Opera” »