What's Gonna Happen

2014 NFL Season Picks; Globally-Warmed For Accuracy

2014 NFL Season Picks; Globally-Warmed For Accuracy

June 08, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 Season

These 2014 NFL Season Picks are in denial about the 2013 NFL standings, which I burned in dirty coal that had been soaked in radioactive oil just to prove that I don’t believe in any of your stupid facts.

The highly suspect 2013 NFL standings used hand-picked data, which is the the same type of data that scientists who talk of global warming use. It’s quite alarming. I don’t believe in global warming, Why would I believe the 2013 NFL standings?

smokestackThat’s right, I laugh at your so-called 2013 final NFL standings. I understand biased facts when I see them. While these are the best 2014 NFL predictions anywhere, they are not grounded in any facts. Facts schmacts, I say.

As I say it, I am wearing 10-cent blinders that I purchased for a dollar at a Flying J Truckstop somewhere near Pittsburgh, and I have hired a professional consultant to hit me repeatedly on my forehead with a rusty hammer. Ouch! This is the Google-search recommended method to clearly see the future of the 2014 NFL season by ignoring the 2013 NFL season as a reference point. Ouch! Google is always right. Unlike facts. Or science.afc north standings 2013

Scientists know as much about science as the 2013 NFL standings know about quality football. Scientists don’t know anything. Everyone knows that. And NFL standings? Please! Facts aren’t factual if you don’t want them to be.

These particular 2014 NFL predictions do not start out wrapped in any quote-unquote facts. It is a fact that the 2013 NFL standings are a complete fabrication, and I can prove it. Last year, the Cleveland Browns were the best team in the NFL. You can look it up. I wrote about it here all of last year.

brownselfguitarYet the NFL standings say the Browns only won 4 games while losing 12. And I say that anyone can choose specific facts and make them mean anything they want. The way the NFL standings were designed last year were clearly biased against the Browns.

The NFL standings just picked and chose the information they wanted to use – like wins and losses – and then tried to prove a point by stacking the argument with this hand-picked data. This is simply impossible to trust.

I say the 2013 NFL standings are more theory than fact. There’s no consensus that the 2013 NFL standings are factual. I don’t believe them so, presto, no consensus.

And If there is debate, well who really knows what to believe? I mean, there’s so many people out there just making up crap. It’s pathetic.

I cannot argue with one thing. I do see climate change coming in the NFL. I suggest that the 2014 NFL standings will much better understand and be able to reach a reasonable conjohnny manziel money signsensus that the Cleveland Browns, led by the comic book icon named Johnny Football, are about to set the NFL on fire and, well, as he texted me, “wreck this league.”

These are all facts told to me by the homeless guy who now makes decisions for the Cleveland Browns. The debate is over. Climate change in the NFL is here to stay, so says this word-processed analysis – and this is clearly a sentence that uses the words “process” and “analysis”, so you know this is essentially indisputable science. There is now absolute consensus that NFL climate change is upon us, and if you argue with me it is clear that you don’t even care about future of the world, you selfish bastard.

Still, you can’t deny that this is whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “2014 NFL Season Picks; Globally-Warmed For Accuracy” »

Super Bowl XLVIII Pick With The Best Mountaintop Guru In The World

January 22, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 Super Bowl

Inside the museums,
Infinity goes up on trial
- Bob Dylan

I did not want to climb up this damn mountain for your Super Bowl XLVIII pick. I am guru-phobic. Plus I am scared of heights, which is why I choose not to participate in the Olympics.

guru picks NFLI had just taken a sip of tea when Maharishi Richard Sherman told Erin Andrews that he is the best guru in the world. That is why I climbed this mountain to ask the guru, “Which team will win Super Bowl XLVIII?”

The guru said that I should not try him with such a sorry question, and then he yelled, “Don’t you ever talk about me!”

Visiting a guru on a mountaintop is the last place I expected to be. But after I by-mistake stole a fortune teller’s tea leaves because I was craving tea, she put a curse on me – which is why I root for the Cleveland Browns, instead of the Denver Broncos or Seattle Seahawks.

I had a couple of solid backup plans. Not on the Cleveland Browns thing. That curse is real, just like tea addiction. richard sherman picks the super bowl

But when the fortune teller refused to reveal the details of Super Bowl XLVIII without her tea leaves, I wasn’t worried because I was positive that my crystal ball would work. Or my time machine. I felt confident, from previous experiences at Walmart and Target, that these products would work for a solid two weeks, maybe three.

The problem with having a lot of tea leaves, though, is that you inevitably throw a tea party and the next thing you know you find yourself hanging out with the kind of people who go to a tea party.

Whoa, don’t look down.

You see, the reason I am here on this mountaintop is that my crystal ball was borrowed by my tea party friends, who smashed it to pieces in order to prove how much they loved it. My other tea party friends convinced me to tune my time machine into Fox News, which kept sending the time machine straight to Armageddon. I had to put the thing in a junkyard.

Tea is very dangerous, a gateway drug. That’s how I ended up at that gateway to the top of the world talking to a self-confident guru.

I did get an answer, after he processed my credit card and did a touchdown dance. And I knew he really was the best guru in the world when he said, “How the hell would I know whatzgonnappen?” Continue reading “Super Bowl XLVIII Pick With The Best Mountaintop Guru In The World” »

Chris Christie’s NFL Conference Championship Picks

January 17, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 NFL playoffs

The highway’s jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive
Everybody’s out on the run tonight
but there’s no place left to hide
- Bruce Springsteen

Quit calling me a bully or I will beat you up. Look, these NFL Conference Championship Picks by my Traffic Czar, Richie Incognito, are my gift to you even though you did not endorse me when I ran for the office of Knucklehead.

Christie Traffic JamsHere in New Jersey, where the Super Bowl will be held, I am known mostly by my nickname, Tony Friggin’ Soprano. What you never knew about me, but soon will, is that I am a Cleveland Browns fan.

Did I mention the Super Bowl is in New Jersey?

Does the NFL know how bad I can mess with them?

I know you expected me to root for the Jets, or Giants because they play in New Jersey. But come on. Those teams stink. Yes, the Cleveland Browns stink too. And you really can trust me on this. I am the governor of New Jersey. I know about stink.

My point is twofold: the Giants and Jets are from New York. So that case is simply closed. I hate New York. Don’t you?

Plus, face it, New Jersey is the Cleveland of states, and Cleveland is the New Jersey of cities. Thus, my undying allegiance – short of a heart attack – to the Cleveland Browns. Therefore, I expect the Cleveland Browns to play in and win this year’s Super Bowl. Otherwise, I will shut that puppy down.

Now, can we talk about Benghazi?

Yes, I am hoping to make this press conference last longer than a Bruce Springsteen concert raising money for people that I despise.

So while we are on the subject of good quarterbacks, I am rooting for Russell Wilson because he doesn’t have a perfect body, just like me. He is a bit too short, just like I am slightly overweight.

I’ll take one more question. My answer is, of course I know whatzgonnappen. Continue reading “Chris Christie’s NFL Conference Championship Picks” »

Divisional NFL Playoff Picks From The Polar Vortex Extended-Unemployment Line

January 07, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 NFL playoffs

Ice ice baby
Vanilla ice ice baby
- Vanilla Ice

This is my favorite polar vortex NFL weekend of the year, even though these divisional NFL playoff picks have been unemployed since 1967, when I planned my very first Cleveland Browns Super Bowl Parade.

NFL coldAs the official Cleveland Browns Super Bowl Parade Planner, I have been unemployed longer than any person in America. That’s why I am publicly begging Congress to please extend unemployment insurance. I need it just one more year.

And before you get on my case, yes, I’ve looked for work. Just last week I had a temp job picking the Wild Card games for this column because the guy who runs this place told me he planned to be in churcnfl cold 2h on a bender.

I answered his Craigslist ad and got to pick the games last week. I got exactly zero predictions correct. I was immediately fired – almost as if the people running the Cleveland Browns were also in charge of this column. Don’t even get me started on conspiracy theories.

My point is that I remain unemployed. I am sleeping on a park bench in the middle of a polar vortex for the best weekend of the NFL calendar, the divisional playoffs. Is this any way for America to treat its most optimistic citizens?

It is. Oh, okay.

If you’re going to treat me like that, I am going to nuclear retaliate, just like Dennis Rodman, and tell you whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Divisional NFL Playoff Picks From The Polar Vortex Extended-Unemployment Line” »

Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks From The Official Marijuana of The Denver Broncos

January 03, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 NFL playoffs

But he can’t be a man ’cause he doesn’t smoke
The same cigarettes as me
- Rolling Stone

Hey, Peyton Manning here with a Snapchat of your Wildcard Weekend NFL picks, brought to you by “Elway”, the official marijuana of the Denver Broncos.

petyon manning sells potWhile I don’t smoke marijuana myself, several of my teammates do and those guys are more fun to be around than that doofus, Papa John. For the record, I became a scholar of performance-enhancing marijuana eight years ago.

During the first part of the past 420 weeks, I studied marijuana because there was nothing to do in Indianapolis. And then I moved here and I became involved in the legalization campaign. Yes I did. How do you think it passed? I can sell anything. lines to buy pot

Anyway, I’ve learned that while some brands can cause lethargy or mind-numbness, I know for a fact that more than half of the touchdowns scored in the NFL were helped in some part by Elway. John Elway was the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history. He is my boss.

On the other hand, Elway is the official marijuana of the Denver Broncos. The Denver Broncos are the number one seed in the AFC. In the NFC, the number one seed is the Seattle Seahawks. Guess what is legal in both Colorado and Washington? Yes, Elway. Scientists tell me this is evidence.

Elway is winning weed. I’m Peyton Manning, and this is all on Shapchat in case I’m wrong about these NFL picks, as if that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks From The Official Marijuana of The Denver Broncos” »

Week 17 NFL Picks By That Duck Dynasty Guy

December 27, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

I’ve been down on the bottom
of a whirlpool of lies
I ain’t lookin’  for nothin’
In anyone’s eyes
- Bob Dylan

These week 17 NFL Picks would like you to duck back to an ignorant age when everyone knew their place. Back then, the Cleveland Browns place was first. That’s right, a long time ago.

Quack. I’ve got a beard and money. I am the smartest person I’ve ever met  Plus, get this, I’ve read one book.

duck dyansty NFL PicksPlease say “amen” now. And listen to my call.

Actually the duck call that you ordered, engraved with the Cleveland Browns logo and the Lombardi Trophy, is late because the logistics of UPS were messed up by the credit card you gave to Target after you told them you worked at McDonald’s but needed therapy because you sold burgers that your boss told you not to eat under any circumstances short of starvation.

The NSA told me that. Yes, they report to me. Only me, the guy who looks like the leader of Al Qaeda.

So don’t complain about your missing duck call, goddam it. It’s your fault.

But most damning is that you once masturbated – the NSA has proof – therefore you were at that moment super gay for touching someone of your own sex, and thus you are a sinner who should die. I bet you will. But I can only dream of someday.

Speaking of someday, or Sunday, after I go to church and pray that a good percentage of the population be damned to hell, I always come home, eat chicken, and watch football.

I cheer for my favorite team, the Cleveland Browns, but I think God hates them like he hates the people I say he hates. Maybe worse. Unlike those people, the Cleveland Browns never seem to score. It’s almost as if I am as ignorant as a bag of hammers, and I don’t know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 17 NFL Picks By That Duck Dynasty Guy” »

Week 16 NFL Picks In A Letter To Santa

December 19, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

They said there’ll be snow at Christmas
They said there’ll be peace on Earth
But instead it just kept on raining
A veil of tears for the virgin birth
- Emerson, Lake & Palmer

Dear Santa, you cookie-stealing hippie. These week 16 NFL picks are my wish list, along with peace on Earth, and a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl championship.

You’re not going to visit again this year, are you? Tell the truth, for once, you chimney-climbing, commune-living hobo.

browns christmasLook, dude. Can I call you dude? Okay, Nick, listen. Every year, I ask for the same thing: that the Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl, and… wait, it just occurred to me. You don’t even know where I live, do you?

Once again I’ve been nice all year, when I could have / should have  been naughty as hell. It made no difference at all to you, did it? You call yourself, Santa Claus. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear somebody made you up.

But I’ve seen you. At the mall, or riding in a parade, always acting all jollier than thou. You don’t fool me with your talk about how you visit everyone. I’ll grant you that you get good PR, and the perception sells. The red suit was a brilliant branding idea.

But I know how you operate, you breaking-and-entering wizard wannabe. You like the rich kids better. Patriots fans, Broncos fans, 49ers fans, and Seahawks fans are all on your route, aren’t they? Admit it, you even bring presents  to Steelers fans. What kind of saint are you?

Look dude… Yeah, I just called you dude. What are you going to do about it? Not give me a present? Look at me. See that look on my face. It’s not surprise. In fact, it’s bone-marrow sadness. The point is, you don’t understand the effects of decades of ignoring me.

Oh, you do understand.

Well then. If you happen to show up early to my house this year, you are invited for dinner. I am serving venison.

That reminds me. In case you do actually visit, Mr. Claus, sir, I’d like a necktie made out of bacon, and I want a printer that prints warm chocolate chip cookies whenever I say that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 16 NFL Picks In A Letter To Santa” »

Week 15 NFL Picks From Uruguay With NFL Officials

December 11, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

I’m in position, you can’t play me out da pocket
I’ll take the dopest beat you got and I’ll rock-it
- Public Enemy

These week 15 NFL picks are legally stoned and in a Mandela-forgiving, Pope-for-the-poor mood in Uruguay with the NFL officials from last week’s Browns / Patriots game.

These guys crack me up. They smoke a flowery perfume-smelling pot called, “The Tom Brady Effect.” It helped them see “the obvious interference” at the end of last week’s Browns / Patriots game, they said. After I tried it, I voted for Tom Brady for president. The shit is strong.

pot leafstoned interfence

One of these NFL officials, who asked to be identified by the name, “Dudefreak,” said that defense lawyers in Uruguay typically donate a quarter pound of The Tom Brady Effect to jurors, and then have their ax-murdering clients wear a #12 Patriots jersey.

“This is a foolproof legal strategy in Uruguay,” said Dudefreak, who had a giant Patriots logo tattooed on each arm. He paused for a long time while I stared, wondering how the NFL could view him as objective. Casually, he leaned down and packed his #12 black-and-white striped bong, and then he said like some bored hipster, “Long sleeves.”

I know what you are thinking. Why Uruguay? Why not go to Colorado or Washington to smoke legal pot and talk to red-eyed NFL officials about the intricacies of the NFL rulebook? Two reasons, really. The Denver Broncos and Seattle Seahawks. Those teams are way better than the Cleveland Browns, no matter what you smoke. Walter White doesn’t cure that.

Plus Dudefreak knows this guy down here who gets some really good The Tom Brady Effect. This is the new journalism. You are welcome. As you can see, I went all the way to Uruguay just to find out whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks From Uruguay With NFL Officials” »

Week 14 NFL Picks Delivered By Drone to A Browns Fan In New England

December 04, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

Well, I’m numb as a statue
I may have to beg, borrow or steal
Some feelings from you
So I can have some feelings too
- Warren Zevon

These week 14 NFL picks, delivered by drone from Amazon, fell like a brick from the New England sky and landed on my head, making me cheer for the Cleveland Browns. I obviously have a concussion.

browns fan in NEI would love to cheer for Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. It looks like so much fun. He seems to want to win games. I can’t imagine a quarterback of the Cleveland Browns doing that. It must be super awesome to cheer for Tom Brady, one of the best quarterbacks in NFL history – no exaggeration..

But I can’t. I cheer for Brandon Weeden, one of the worst quarterbacks in NFL history – no exaggeration. I am voodoo cursed. I cheer for the Cleveland Browns.  Did I tell you Brandon Weeden also has a concussion? So does his backup quarterback, Jason Campbell.

My head hurts. Actually, my brain hurts. Ouch! Did I say, “ouch” already? I can’t remember. Besides my obvious drone-induced concussion, the only other plausible explanation for my cheering for the Cleveland Browns is a curse that goes back decades to what I call “the old country” on a plot of land where tomatoes and children once grew, somewhere east of the Cuyahoga River.

During my time in New England, I have watched Tom Brady play spectacular quarterback every week for the New England Patriots while I have cheered from afar for the likes of Weeden, Charlie Frye, and Brady Quinn, to name three of the worst quarterbacks in NFL history.

There are more many more sad names on the list of Browns quarterbacks in the running for worst quarterback in NFL history. The list is so long and pathetic, it is impossible to get through it without starting to sob.

That’s why I am so optimistic this week when the Browns play the Patriots.

It appears I may get to cheer for a new incompetent, indecisive, inaccurate, noodle-armed (but a nice guy) knucklehead off-the-street quarterback, because that’s the best that Cleveland Browns ever put on the field. In fact, they may start a quarterback they signed off of Youtube. This is not hyperbole

Hyperbole is impossible once you know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 14 NFL Picks Delivered By Drone to A Browns Fan In New England” »

Week 13 NFL Picks Give Thanks For Imaginary Cleveland Browns Wins

November 27, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon
- Pink Floyd

Some say these week 13 NFL picks are delusional. But don’t listen to the voices in my head.

I say the Cleveland Browns are going to win. My friend that lives under a bridge says it is stupid to be loyal to anyone who treats you like Cleveland Browns treat their fans. I would never live under that bridge.

Longtime readers of this column know that I live in a refrigerator box in the woods with no amenities other than a flat-screen TV hooked up to the NFL Network. The rest of you have probably figured it out. Both of you.

This website is arguably the most profitable website in brownselfguitarAmerica, because I will argue with anyone.

Anyway, ever since the IPO, I admit to being foolish with my billions. Every week, I go all in with my bookie, Cakeface McGee, on the picks in this column. The problem with betting billions of dollars on the picks in this column is that this column always picks the Cleveland Browns to win, and the Cleveland Browns almost always lose.

Can I tell you a secret? I am beginning to not trust the judgment of the guy that makes these picks. Sure, sometimes this crap is correct. But he always picks the Cleveland Browns to win, and they are always mean to him. Loyalty to mean people is stupid.

That reminds me. If Cakeface McGee walks in carrying a baseball bat, I’m not here.

So I just want to say with all of my heart that these week 13 NFL picks are thankful for the imaginary loving family gathered around me eating this imaginary delicious turkey, and toasting the imaginary great football team known as the Cleveland Browns. I’d write more, but I need to look for my can opener for these beans.

Happy Thanksgiving. Obviously, I don’t know whatzgonnahappen Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks Give Thanks For Imaginary Cleveland Browns Wins” »