These 2015 NFL Season Picks are so outraged at how the world has evolved without me that I declare my candidacy for the Republican nomination for Prognosticator of the United States of America. I will not be deflated.
In fact, I’m going to out-crazy Donald Trump. I’m picking the Cleveland Browns to catch a wave all the way to the Super Bowl. Immediately I’ve got an ethnic group I’d like to offend – Pittsburgh Steelers fans.
My specific aim is to offend all aspects of common sense by first declaring that last year’s top four teams, the New England Patriots, the Seattle Seahawks, the Green Bay Packers, and Denver Broncos are chumps. Each of those teams lost at least four games.
I don’t like losers. I like the Cleveland Browns.
So Trump’s got nothing on me in terms of hypocrisy either. As a politician, I find hypocrisy to be an asset. As a football fan, I find it to be a necessity. (See: head injuries)
Every four years when I bombastically run for the Republican nomination, I turn to the 1950s for inspiration. That’s when the Cleveland Browns were the best team in football, and marriage was only allowed between one miserable man and one miserable woman, who cheered for the same football team because one of the two decided it should be so. (And then they raised their children to cheer for the same now-miserable team. Sigh.)
Now a miserable man can marry another miserable man. And they can cheer for different NFL teams. Same with two miserable women. Two different football teams in the same marriage? This is madness. It’s time to stop this government-sanctioned expansion of lifetime suffering, and go back to the old definition of marriage – one football team per household.
While there are about 20 of us outraged and sanctimonious Republicans running, I hope to be the most sanctimonious after Rick Santorum, because no one can outgoogle Santorum. Not even my personal hero and role model, Johnny Manziel.
Speaking of Johnny Football, I needed a campaign logo so I purchased the Johnny Manziel money sign on ebay for $5.93. It is now on my campaign sign just like that goofy Hillary arrow, and the designed-by-a-girl-in-junior-high, “Jeb!” And mine is true. I really need money. For beer. Um, campaign beer.
Unfortunately, it will take more than a lowest-common-denominator logo to win this race. That is why I want a strong defense, and I want to toss many, many bombs at the enemy.
People tell me Iran is an enemy. I don’t know. I run for office and I’m not worried. Iran, I run. All I know is one of these is American,and the other needs an NFL team.
Which leads me to my foreign policy to help drive America’s economic engine. America should cut American taxes and then buy Greece, make it our 51st state, and then move the Jacksonville Jaguars to Athens and watch those Greek NFL dollars save our 51st state, and thus our other 50.
If there were NFL teams in Kabul and Baghdad, there would be peace on Earth. ISIS is just a bunch of frustrated football fans without a team. Maybe the Jacksonville Jaguars should move to Baghdad. I have many ideas on how the NFL can save the world, and in the end they all involve the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl.
We are living at the end of times. By that, I mean the end of the time when the Cleveland Browns have not won a Super Bowl Obviously, I am a very religious candidate. I pray daily to the empty suit of Roger Goodell. I always defer to a power greater than myself when it comes to Whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “2015 NFL Season Picks, Republican Candidate For Prognosticator Of The United States” »