VOICE: This 2012 Super Bowl XLVI pick is an attack ad on my flip-flopping opponent, who once said that Colt McCoy would be the hero of Super Bowl XLVI.

I have met my opponent, and he is me.

Don’t vote for him. He is the on-food-stamps prognosticator, and also a big fat preachy policeman wannabe who says it is immoral to ever say anything nice about the mad scientist Bill Belichick, who coached the Cleveland Browns before he became a mad scientist.

(CUE the creepy music… show unflattering photo of my opponent, who looks an awful lot like me with a Browns-lost-again chili hangover.) My opponent last week had no conference championship insight into a Billy Cundiff missed field goal, a Lee Evans dropped touchdown pass, or Kyle Williams messing up two punts, including letting one bounce against his leg. Any common seer could have seen those things happening. My opponent instead pondered what it would be like to actually worry about the taxes he would pay if he earned $42 million.

My opponent invested in lottery tickets that didn’t produce jobs except for Freddy Mac, the guy at the 7-11 who sells lottery tickets to my opponent, who thinks Freddy Mac will self-deport back to Washington and his wife Fannie. It’s a fantasy, like Peyton Hillis.

(ACTIVATE ANIMATION  showing Satan climbing out of the ears of my opponent’s visage) My opponent is too erratic. You never know what he is going to say. He has grandiose ideas about the Cleveland Browns, who have not won an NFL title since 1964, and the Browns perfect 48-year-plan.

(GRAPHIC of Lombardi Trophy in flames) This is the most important election, and Super Bowl prediction of our time. The future of the Lombardi Trophy is at stake and it can not be left to someone like my opponent. He has never run any a  betting business, he is too inconsistent with his stupid consistent views about a wishful Cleveland Browns victory at the Super Bowl in Indianapolis, which stole a team from Baltimore, which stole a team from Cleveland, which is not in the Super Bowl once again. Is this Super Bowl important? Oh gosh, yes.

( GRAPHIC: “This ad was paid for by Citizens Against Everything”) I have not coordinated with the makers of this ad about my horrible evil opponent in any way. Making another hypocritical Super Bowl prediction is something I don’t want to do and I think the destructive, vicious negative nature of asking for football predictions makes it harder to attract decent people to predict NFL games and I am appalled that anyone would begin a Super Bowl prediction column by drawing such a parallel as this way I just decided to say whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “2012 Super Bowl XLVI Pick and Attack Ad” »

Picture yourself in a boat on a river
with tangerine trees and marmalade skies
- The Beatles

Abandon picks! Abandon picks! This is your Captain speaking. My NFL conference championship picks will sink you. I am currently in a massage parlor on dry land.

I am talking to you by speakerphone after ditching the boat as soon as I saw the Cleveland Browns season go under water. In other words, I haven’t been on the ship since about October. I told Rob Lowe to let you know. Truthfully, I am surprised it took this long to sink.

As you may have heard, the USS Whatzgonnahappen – a GOP charter – was built out of toothpicks and Elmer’s glue. Ron Paul was in charge of the budget, Mitt Romney fired the staff, Newt Gingrich hired 9-year-olds to replace the staff, and Rick Santorum dressed everyone in these nifty sweater vests.

The Green Bay Packers and Tim Tebow were key parts of the navigation system of this ship. You should have jumped off when those two pieces inexplicably shattered last weekend. Please follow along here because I am making up an excuse while I hear the police knocking at the door of this massage parlor on dry land that I am currently enjoying while you are on a sinking ship.

The truth is that this GOP charter ran into a rock I call Juan Williams, and it was exposed as an empty vessel. This is very much like how every Cleveland Browns season runs into a rock called The Schedule. Thank you again for choosing the USS Whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “A Cruise Ship Captain’s 2012 NFL Conference Championship Picks” »

Don’t you know that you are a shooting star?
And all the world will love you just as long
As long as you are a shooting star
- Bad Company

After Tim Tebow threw that pass, my billionaire friend, John, gave $3.16 million to my SuperPAC called, 2012 NFL Divisional Picks For America’s Future.

Would your billionaire friends do that?

Anyway, it’s off to South Carolina, where it is my turn to finish second in a Republican primary. I am running on an evangelical platform, because I have blind faith that a winning Cleveland Browns team can solve all of America’s problems. I am also running on a pro-capitalism platform, because I believe America’s future depends on how many Chinese jobs American companies can create before the Cleveland Browns win a Super Bowl.

Sure, I am a one-issue candidate. My friends in the Palmetto State can soon expect to be seeing attack ads on all teams in the NFL that are better than the Cleveland Browns, which is pretty much every team. While I like being able to fire people at least as much as Mitt Romney, I wonder where was Bain Capital after the Browns finished 4-12. It’s enough to get me to channel my inner Newt Gingrich. Are you scared yet?

Meanwhile, I recently rented out an entire wing of a hospital to give birth to an idea I call Brown & Orange Ivy. What does it mean? It means these picks have as much chance of being correct as an Iranian nuclear scientist has of driving home. Sure, it’s a long shot, but if any make it home, we’ll find out whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “John’s $3.16 Million SuperPAC 2012 NFL Divisional Playoff Picks” »

In that case I’ll go underground
Get some heavy rest
Never have to worry
About what is worst and what is best
- Van Morrison

I just arrived in New Hampshire after voting eight times in Iowa, where I picked up these 2012 NFL Wild Card Weekend predictions from Michele Bachman. So yeah, these are accurate.

Bachman is out of the race and the Cleveland Browns are out of the NFL playoffs. Coincidence? Or are crazy-eyed grandiose schemes always bound to fail?

You may have noticed that I am now wearing a sweater vest, just like Rick Santorum. It is because I have decided to be sanctimonious about the 2012 NFL wild card weekend picks. Look, the Browns will not lose this weekend. Anyone who disagrees with me lacks moral character, not to mention a sweater vest.

Rick Perry, God bless him, is still around. And when he compared himself to Tim Tebow, he was actually right on target.

Newt Gingrich, the Rex Ryan of the campaign, remains full of contradictory bluster. But his Mark Sanchez lives inside his brain, throwing interceptions.

I wanted to vote John Huntsman, because I felt bad for him. But I feel bad for the Jacksonville Jaguars too. So what.

Which brings me to my eight votes for Mitt Romney. I had decided either he or Ron Paul would get my eight votes. Although I am a libertarian when it comes to hating the Pittsburgh Steelers, I am with Romney when he changes his mind all the time because I don’t really know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Caucused 2012 NFL Wildcard Weekend Picks” »

It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine
- R.E.M.

The Mayans’ week 17 NFL picks, at the cusp of the year 2012, signal the end of the world. Or maybe the end of the NFL season. As if there is a difference.

As a Browns fan, the end of the season usually happens at the beginning of the season. It would be tough for me to know if the world ended or not, since my head has been buried under the sand for weeks. I always thought the world officially ends on the day you die, but decades of cheering for the Cleveland Browns has led me to believe that perhaps hell is right here on Earth. The Mayans make me angry.

It has all gone just as the Mayans predicted.

Newly uncovered evidence suggests that the Mayans have, in fact, predicted every NFL game in history correctly. These are the last of the Mayan NFL predictions on account of that end-of-the-world thing, Predicting next season would be useless, wrote the Mayans.

The Mayans were Cleveland Browns fans, of course, which means they hated and still hate the Pittsburgh Steelers. But they couldn’t help the future they saw – including scary things like how Iowa will make us all think it’s a Rick Santorum world, and we just live in it.

While Tebow versus Orton took up a significant amount of stone-carved text, in the end the Mayans were split on Tebow. Otherwise, the Mayans clearly predicted this is whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Mayan Week 17 NFL Picks” »

They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues
- Steely Dan

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as these week 16 NFL picks are accurate.

How dreary the world would be if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if the NFL playoffs started without including the Cleveland Browns. There would be no childlike faith, no poetry, no romance… what do you mean, the Browns aren’t going to the playoffs?

That’s dreary!

Look Virginia, reports are that when Santa Claus left the North Pole he was wearing a Colt McCoy jersey under his red suit. A few years ago, he wore a Derek Anderson jersey, and  before that a Charlie Frye jersey under the suit. It’s true. Santa is a Browns fan.

It’s an under-reported fact that Santa Claus grew up in the snow belt of Cleveland. For those of you unfamiliar with Cleveland’s snow belt, think of it as being to snow as the Bible belt is to the Bible.  Full of it. Yes, Santa Claus comes from that much snow. This explains the cookies.

So you see, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus because why else would a fat old man fly around the world year after year giving gifts to every person in the world, or at least some of them, if it were not because the man was Browns fan trying to do anything to change his team’s luck.

Is Santa Claus real? Virginia, this is not 1997 or 1998 when the Cleveland Browns didn’t actually exist. Of course Santa Claus is real.

Santa’s favorite NFL team is not real good, so Santa sometimes gets confused. If you get a drill instead of a doll, it’s because Santa is sad about the Browns and not thinking straight. This doesn’t make Santa a bad person. Do you you understand, Virginia? Nothing is more real than Santa’s excruciating sadness about the state of his favorite football team so you should feel damn lucky you’re not getting coal.

Santa is as real as this is actually whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Yes Virginia, There Are Week 16 NFL Picks” »

What a field day for the heat
A thousand people in the street
Singing songs and carrying signs
Mostly say, hooray for our side
- Buffalo Springfield

These Week 15 NFL Picks are a protest. What am I protesting against? I am protesting against God for finally declaring which NFL team he roots for. I mean, the Broncos?

What am I protesting against? What have you got? TIME magazine named “The Protester” as Person of the Year so, as the ultimate bandwagon jumper, I am protesting. Technically, this column is now proof that I am TIME’s Person of the Year. You’re welcome.

Okay, how about I am protesting against the Green Bay Packers, who every Sunday run around acting like they are perfect. I am protesting against Sam Hurd for his pathetic Scarface impression, and I am protesting against James Harrison for his helmet-to-helmet Cleveland Browns concussions, plural.

Me and my kind have taken down Hosni Mubarak, Moammar Khadafy, and Tony Sparano. We  have taken on the world’s biggest banks, Vladimir Putin and Mike Holmgren. We are causing regime change in some places, while others are changing policies as a result of protests.

Across the world, The Protester is the 99 percent, rooting for an NFL team born again in 1999.  The Cleveland Browns are a born again football team, literally, and The Protester would like the faith of the people rewarded accordingly. The Protester worldwide is a Cleveland Browns fan asking when will the team win enough games so fans can simply hold their heads up with dignity. This is a basic human right.

As the year 2011 comes to a close, The Protester has one final, radical goal: Fix the Cleveland Browns. Yes, regime change in Egypt was easy by comparison. But The Protester does not give up. Power to the people! Oh yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen Continue reading “The Protester’s Week 15 NFL Picks” »

I am he as you are he and you are me
And we are all together
- The Beatle

If I was Mitt Romney, I would bet $10,000 on these week 14 NFL picks. But why would I want to be Mitt Romney? However, if I was Albert Pujols, I would bet $254 million on these week 14 NFL picks.

Actually, if I was Albert Pujols, I would have already bet $254 million that the Cleveland Browns would beat the Pittsburgh Steelers this week. I hate the Steelers, and if I was Albert Pujols I would insist, as part of being Albert Pujols, that I still get to hate the Steelers.

The game was Thursday night, and the official scoreboard read Steelers 14, Browns 3, I don’t  remember the second half because I took a helmet-to-helmet hit while watching the game. I sent myself right back in to watch, but no matter what I did I could not get the team to play better.

That’s when I thought that if I was Albert Pujols I would have bet $254 million on the game. It’s a good thing I am not Albert Pujols. Also, if I was Albert Pujols, I probably still could not hit a baseball.

This is not about me being Albert Pujols. This is what Albert Pujols $254 million week 14 NFL picks would look like, if he hadn’t already bet it all on the Browns/Steelers game. But if I was Albert Pujols, I wouldn’t have $254 million. I would have signed with the Cleveland Indians.

But since Albert Pujols signed with the Los Angeles Angels, he has $254 million that he most likely will bet on these games. Sure, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Albert Pujols $254 Million Week 14 NFL Picks” »

Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap
Dirty deeds and they’re done dirt cheap
- AC/DC

Do you ever want to stomp on someone and say, these are my Week 13 NFL Picks?

Well, you’re in luck. For two weeks only, the Ndamukong Suh Suggesturizer is available to the public. On a very limited basis, you can authorize the grinding of a human head into the ground and the stomping of an arm. Your only legal responsibility is to describe the action as a part of your Week 13 NFL Picks.

So…

Are you a Cleveland Browns fan wondering how fun it would be to win against the soulless Baltimore Ravens, and then the evil Pittsburgh Steelers?

Do you coach the Philadelphia Eagles and want to do something more drastic than say, “We’ve got to do a better job?”

Are you a former Eagles, Redskins and Vikings quarterback who might enjoy not being so nice every time?

Are you Herman Cain, and you wish you could have changed the subject?

The Ndamukong Suh Suggesturizer can benefit almost anyone.

Meet Newt Gingrich, a certified master in using the Suggesturizer. For instance, despite his three marriages and an airport hanger full of baggage, Gingrich benefited most from the Herman Cain story.

The Suggesturizer is available to the entire public, but especially to those involved in the NFL or politics. Please remember this special offer is only available for two weeks. It is 100 percent effective. Jack Del Rio was recently suggesturized.

Please submit your ideas because head grinding and arm stomping will commence shortly, and your wishes can help determine whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “The Ndamukong Suh Suggesturizer Week 13 NFL Picks” »

Although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
- Billy Joel

–

Legal Brief: The turkey is innocent of all charges, but pleads guilty and offers these Week 12 NFL picks in lieu of the traditional fine of one delicious meal.

The turkey is appealing for an emergency injunction on the grounds that the turkey has inside information about the Packers-Lions game. Ndamukong Suh is hungry.

Also, attorneys for the turkey argue that the turkey did not do the crime. In fact, the crime has been perpetrated by an elephant and a donkey mixed with alcohol, but somehow the turkey got blamed. The turkey believes it is unreasonable to do the same thing every year. The turkey calls for a United Nations investigation into systematic genocide of his ethnic group.

The turkey requests that the government refrain from pepper-spraying the turkey while the appeals process is underway, and in return the turkey will provide information about Dolphins quarterback Matt Moore. Matt Moore is almost good enough to be called mediocre. For this information, the turkey specifically requests it not be plucked or basted.

The turkey admits the following facts:

1) the turkey is a Cleveland Browns fan
2) the turkey can bark like a dog
3) the turkey camped out in a public park with a Browns flag and a sign that said, “Occupy Last Place.”

The turkey disputes one key fact and asks the court not to allow hearsay about his deceased brother admitted into the court. The key fact the turkey disputes is:

1) turkey tastes good

The turkey believes its protest against the government does not serve as grounds for the government to impose a draconian punishment to the turkey. The turkey demands the right to free speech, the same as any American. The turkey requests that the Cleveland Browns win two games in a row, but the turkey admits that might be an unfair request.

The turkey is begging for leniency, pleading insanity, and offering to testify against the elephant and donkey. In conclusion, the turkey offers these Week 12 NFL picks.

Note: The turkey’s last words were: “Whatzgonnahappen.” Continue reading “An Innocent Turkey’s Week 12 NFL Picks” »