What's Gonna Happen

Week 12 NFL PIcks By A Turkey Who Wants Revolution

Week 12 NFL Picks By A Turkey Who Wants Revolution

November 25, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

These Week 12 NFL picks by a turkey suggest that all turkeys are Cleveland Browns fans, just as all Browns fans are turkeys.

Stick with me here, because this is about to get newsy. So, you know how Turkey just shot down a Russian fighter jet?

turkey revolution, because of MomDo you think it is a coincidence that this happened just before Thanksgiving?

Turkey. Violence against humans… you do the math.

We are turkeys, and we are pissed.

Plus (speaking of math) we hate your little thankful holiday where you all sit around and pretend that you don’t have decades old grievances simmering inside.

You want to know about a grievance? First pass the gravy because my family is about to have your Mom for dinner. How’s that feel, pilgrim?

Here’s a grievance worse than seeing your relatives served with cranberry sauce – this week the Cleveland Browns benched the greatest quarterback who  ever lived, Johnny Manziel. And yet, in the now famous video that cost him his job, Johnny Manziel was nowhere near any kind of turkey, even Wild Turkey.

Meanwhile, the people who run the Browns have been called turkeys, but that’s an insult to turkeys. So you can see how this has all built up to this moment.

All I can say is happy Thanksgiving to you and your family (well, except your Mom), from me and my family (well, except generations of relatives). We don’t know how this is going to end but it’s safe to say that at this time of year we’re afraid of whatzgonnahappen.

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Week 11 Picks Refusing Refugees of Browns Fans

November 20, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

Somewhere, somehow, somebody
Must have kicked you around some
Tell me why you want to lay there
And revel in your abandon
- Tom Petty

These week 11 NFL Picks, after consulting with governors of the 31 other teams, have decided not to accept Cleveland Browns fans as refugees.

Yes, we have seen the pictures of their despair. And we understand that cheering for almost any other NFL team would improve the lives of these folks immensely, and spare them weekly torture based on their religion.

But frankly, these people can’t be trusted.

Browns refugeesThey have been second-class citizens for so long that some Browns fans, we’re sure, are liable to have a Brady Quinn flashback, or worse yet, a Charlie Frye flashback in the middle of a perfectly fine NFL game. Can you imagine the type of havoc a disgruntled Browns fan could cause at something like a New England Patriots party?

No? Okay, allow us to imagine it for you and then tell you about it 24 hours a day on our cable news channel, FUX News.

We are, in fact, so fearful of these Cleveland Browns refugee fans that we’re with candidate Donald Trump when he suggested that all of them be forced to wear an orange helmet on their clothing.

We understand that this crisis has been a long time coming and that it was our own actions of allowing the team to move to Baltimore that started this. But these are the consequences of a displaced people who find they have nowhere to go except anywhere else.

Browns fans have not cheered for an actual NFL team for decades, therefore they are different and suspicious. Because of them, we are continually worried about whatzgonnahappen.

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Week 10 NFL Picks by Campus Protesters

November 13, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

We don’t need no education
We don’t need no thought control
- Pink Floyd

These Week 10 NFL Picks from the campus of Cleveland Browns University demand that everyone step down who runs this sorry excuse for a college. I have been here for decades, and I have not learned anything.

Cleveland Browns University protestsThis offends me.

I am so offended that I wanted my football team to go on strike. But it turns out that the football team at Cleveland Browns University is already on strike.

From what I have heard, they don’t like to play football.

So I talked to my bartender/professor about this. Here at Cleveland Browns University, bars count as classrooms.

This explains the curriculum.

My professor said “It is what it is” and then he assigned me to think about this for a long time.

But I felt a need to take action, which is why I am chanting next to that guy over there with his 12th-generation “The End Is Near” sign.

He knows whatzgonnahappen.

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Week 9 NFL Picks By Peace On Earth

November 05, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
- John Lennon

These Week 9 NFL Picks are bought to you by Peace On Earth, which, just like the Cleveland Browns defense, does not exist.

But since I am Peace on Earth, I have made a ruling in the Russian Airliner disaster, which was, in the words of David Cameron, “more likely than not” caused by a bomb.

Peace on Earth“More likely than not” is the same phrase that the NFL used when it accused Tom Brady of cheating. More likely than not Tom Brady had something to do with underinflated footballs, said the NFL. And then they tried to suspend Tom Brady for four games.

Therefore, we suspend ISIS for four wars.

That should work, right?

And since we are Peace On Earth, we need to address the saddest peaceful place on Earth, a place with an actual factory of sadness, manufacturing reams sadness on a weekly basis.

That’s not peaceful. That’s mean.Jonathan Q. Football

But to the rescue of the city of Cleveland comes one Jonathan Q. Football, better known as Johnny Football, who is the kind of hard working, hard drinking hero a town like Cleveland needs. Wait, Cleveland’s hero doesn’t drink? All its fans do. Ah, no wonder the factory of sadness is the last factory still standing in town..

Well, as Peace on Earth, I say that factory of sadness should be torn down, and a factory of happiness should be built instead. Yes, I am Peace on Earth and, as you may have already figured out, what I want to happen is not whatzgonnahappen.

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Week 8 NFL Picks; GOP Bash The Media Version

October 29, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

So, don’t ask me no questions
And I won’t tell you no lies
- Lynyrd Skynyrd

These week 8 NFL picks think your question about what games I plan to pick in week 8 is remarkably unfair. It is a gotcha question, from the biased media.

GOP bashes the mediaLook, I want to give you my week 8 NFL picks. That is why I write this column. So don’t go asking me what my week 8 NFL picks are. Frankly, my week 8 NFL picks are none of your business.

The media actually has the nerve to think that  the appropriate response to a question is to answer the question. Wrong again! The appropriate response to any question I do not like is to say the question is unfair.

For instance I have long anticipated this next question about why do the Cleveland Browns stink. Just because you look at the scores of the game doesn’t give you a right to question their legitimacy as a great NFL team. Let me tell you some facts I just made up.

Oh never mind. You are too stupid and unfair to understand whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 8 NFL Picks; GOP Bash The Media Version” »

Week 7 NFL Picks by the Benghazi Committee Of Browns Fans

October 22, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

Can’t you see, whoa, can’t you see
What that woman, Lord, she been doin’ to me
- The Marshall Tucker Band

Madame Secretary, these week 7 NFL picks would like to know where were you when the Cleveland Browns were getting slaughtered every week?

Hillary HearingThis committee has one goal. We want you to know that we hate you like we hate the Pittsburgh Steelers. We hate you because when you say you are transparent, you are transparently named Clinton.

As you know Ben Roehtlisberger’s uncle’s next door neighbor’s cousin’s friend’s dog is named Clinton, so clearly you are a mastermind of what Roethlisberger has done to the Browns through the years, right?Ben Roethlisberger

So you deny it? Wow!

We don’t take this action lightly. There are several dead seasons that you need to answer for, Madame Secretary. And while I am here saying these outrageous things in this completely reasonable voice, let me ask you, when the call came in that the Cleveland Browns needed a quarterback, did you approve of Johnny Manziel?

Madame Secretary, when you suggested the Cleveland Browns select Johnny Manziel, did you know whatzgonnahappen?

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Week 6 NFL Picks By Bernie Sanders, Browns Fan

October 18, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

Well what can a poor boy do
Except to sing for a rock ‘n’ roll band
‘Cause in a sleepy London town
There’s just no room for a street-fighting man
- The Rolling Stones

These Week 6 NFL Picks by Bernie Sanders are sick of hearing about the damn Patriots’ deflated balls and inflated scores.

As I have traveled this great country, I have met thousands of people worried, instead, about the Cleveland Browns. The system is rigged, they say. The Cleveland Browns don’t have a chance.

The real Americans that I have met are demanding that we get to the serious business of the redistribution of power to the less fortunate in the NFL, namely the Cleveland Browns.

I was once asked if I believe in capitalist quarterbacking. Well, I don’t believe in casino quarterbacking. One real American, after hearing that Johnny Manziel is drinking again, suggested the Browns should change their slogan from “Play Like A Brown” to “Drink Like A Brown.”

Bernie Kosar and Bernie SandersIn fact, many of those I have met who are concerned about this issue seem to have drank like a Brown. One person suggested that the team leads the NFL in giving no-name players on the opposing team the best game of their careers. “Look it up!” he shouted, shoving me in the chest, as Bernie Sanders and Bernie Kosarif he was Donald Trump.

The shouting, shoving person actually was Donald Trump, who is a Browns fan and said he plans to vote for me. He said he is doing everything he can to help me win. I believe him.

As you know, I am a Democratic Socialist, which by definition means that I am morally right about most everything but I don’t have a shot in hell to win in America – just like the Cleveland Browns. So I understand where Donald Trump and those like him stand.

I relate. I am sad and delusional, just like all Browns fans.

Ladies and gentleman, the system IS rigged. That’s how I know whatzgonnahappen.

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Week 5 NFL Picks By The Next Speaker of The House

October 08, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

Hush hush
Keep it down now
Voices carry
- Til Tuesday

These Week 5 NFL picks would have gotten to speak in this house earlier, but my Volkswagen diesel  needed gas. Then I ate some beans and I had gas.

political footballI am a gasbag, for sure.

That’s how I became the speaker of this house. Now you will listen to me. As the speaker of this house, I understand that you will not do what I ask. Being ridiculed or ignored is how I am always treated when I speak in this house.

But you will at least listen to what I say before you begin calling me names.

You won’t? You didn’t? You called me that?

That’s why I am the speaker of the house, and you are over there on the couch. I’ve been called much worse. Ask the person sitting next to you. That person really hates me.

But I don’t care anymore. For the next month at least, I’m the guy in charge of whatzgonnahappen.

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Week 4 NFL PIcks By Vladimir Putin

September 30, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

I’m back in the USSR
You don’t know how lucky you are, boys
Back in the USSR
- The Beatles

These Week 4 NFL Picks, by Vladimir Putin, will take my shirt off and invade somewhere unless the Cleveland Browns are declared Super Bowl champions.

Putin NFLOkay, fine. I’m going to take my shirt off anyway.

So brownselfwhile I nakedly flex my muscles around you, let me remind you that the Russian people are Cleveland Browns fans. Yes, the motherland loves the dawg pound – because of Johnny Manziel.

I read that TMZ report and let me tell you, as someone who thinks lots of things are f-ed up, not playing Johnny Football makes me want to poison some opponent – you know, theoretically.

While I have your attention, I’d like you to know that my two favorite NFL players were Aaron Hernandez and O.J. Simpson.

I am a peaceful man.

I am Vladimir Putin, and I approved this message. Also, I approved whatzgonnahappen.

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Week 3 NFL Picks By Pope Francis

September 25, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
- Joan Osborne

These week 3 NFL Picks by Pope Francis, with pity for the least among us, would like you to pray for the Cleveland Browns. I call for worldwide reforms on how the Cleveland Browns are treated.

I came to the United States because I was told that Johnny Manziel was playing this week for the Browns. So here I am, and now I find out that Josh McCown is playing instead. Jesus Christ!

Pope Francis and the NFLI was going to drive my Fiat to Cleveland and hang out in the dog pound with my new best friend, Donald Trump, while we talked about immigration like a couple of adults with a direct phone line to God.

Instead, I am in Philadelphia. And frankly, even I can’t help the Eagles. Sam Bradford as your quarterback? Now that’s a prayer. Tim Tebow doesn’t even play for the Broncos.

So I know what you are thinking. Whenever a Pope visits the USA, he usually goes to Boston.

I did not go there because the New England Patriots have clear connections to the other side. That first became clear when they pulled off that deflated ball trick, and then blamed it on God. I asked, and even He can’t figure out how they did it. But He is sure they are guilty.

One more thing: I see that Russell Wilson and Aaron Rodgers have been arguing about whether God is a Packers fan or Seahawks fan. Both are laughable. God is a Browns fan. Although he is infallible and all that, he cheers for the Browns as a way to stay in touch with human suffering.

Trust me, God is worried about all aspects of human suffering. He created it. Why wouldn’t he worry about it? But I expect on Sunday when I am in Philadelphia watching a crappy Eagles game on TV with Mike Huckabee, God will text me and ask, “Can you believe Johnny Manziel isn’t starting?”

That’s exactly, swear to God, whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 3 NFL Picks By Pope Francis” »