WhatZgonnahappen.com
(Home of Katie Couric’s Plan to Save America)

“The simple minded; And the uninformed; Can be easily led astray; And those that cannot connect the dots; Hey look the other way”
- John Mellencamp


Katie Couric needs a signoff and I first suggested, “Go Browns!”, but I guess I understand. So how about, “Good night and good luck…”?

Still no? Wow. Um…

Katie Couric and I were ogling (strictly in a newsroom sense) the futuristic Hollywood baby photo and deciphering whether it qualified as a UFO sighting or just a new kind of Japanese robot when the rookie commissioner of the NFL walked into our meeting and suggested a professional football game be played every night at 6:30 p.m. so that America never EVER has to know about real life again.

That’s when I suggested the phrase, “Goodnight Chet.”

Katie, showing some sweet leg and wanting to put her own stamp on America’s newscast, went for it immediately. I gave her a dollar.

It turns out that it wasn’t the “Chet” idea she liked, but rather the concept of making the NFL into America’s news. She loved the idea. Yet she held journalistically firm on one thing - a deal-breaker on her part. Hollywood baby photos must stay an essential part of the traditional CBS newscast. She insisted, quoting Cronkite. Anyway, CBS has the NFL again.

Clearly the new commissioner, What’s-his-Name, is a marketing genius. And that’s why he is the NFL commissioner. I voted for him, and yes, I have a vote. The dude (what IS his name?) owes me a beer.

Actually I would have voted for you if you had bought me a beer. Oh well, there’s always president, and congress, mayor, student council, and, uh, participant.

But I digress because my true mission is to tell you how Katie Couric is going to save America. It’s simple really. No more real life. No war. No natural disasters – ever. Under the new editorial policy, they’re not allowed to happen. Katie Couric has tremendous connections.

And Katie Couric knows what America needs - football and Hollywood babies! And that’s all.

So…are YOU ready for some football? You bet you are. Well, maybe “bet” is a strong word – especially for this column. But you want football picks, right? You do? That’s why you are here? Oh. Really?

Um.

See, I’m just here for the free cheeseburgers.

Anyway, as Katie Couric and I turned to the commissioner and bowed, thanking him “for the great and honorable NFL,” he looked suddenly at the photograph in Katie’s hands and asked, “Is that a dingo?”

I quickly suggested - And that’s the way it is. But she didn’t go for that either.

However, Katie Couric of CBS News finally has a signoff…

“Here’s whatZgonnahapen… with a Z … dot com.”

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DOLPHINS AT STEELERS – Thursday games make a Friday predictions’ column easy. And yet – I hate the Steelers. Plus, everyone knows - they cheat. Here’s whatZhouldahappened… Dolphins 99 Steelers 0

SEAHAWKS AT LIONS – A new promotion this year: Drive nude to the game and get a free tour of the police station. Afraid? The Lions will provide a personal coach - real personal. Seahawks 23, Lions 10

FALCONS AT PANTHERS – In a few years, Keyshawn Johnson went from the number 1 receiver in New York to the number 2 receiver in Carolina. If you follow the projected algorithm of his career, in ten years he’ll be writing some goofy Internet column for three people and one semi-literate squirrel (Shout out to Sammy from the tree!) At the end of this game, it is the world’s most famous whale feeder, Alge Crumpler, who catches the touchdown pass. Falcons 27, Panthers 23

RAVENS AT BUCCANEERS – Ray Lewis gets run over, like a little old lady with oxygen help in a gangster video game, by a Cadillac. Police identify the tire tracks from a car belonging to a demented doll with eyes like the last stingray Steve Irwin ever saw. Buccaneers 28, Ravens 10

BILLS AT PATRIOTS – I live in New England on Cape Cod and Deion Branch recently pumped my gas for me. I think it was him. He was wearing a Deion Branch jersey. Patriots 39, Bills 3

BENGALS AT CHIEFS – Can I tell you how much I hate Carson Palmer? For almost a decade I have written the sentence, “This Sunday, I think the Bengals will lose,” and I was always right – more than 100 percent of the time, in fact. Do the math. But now? Oh hell, I am nostalgic. This Sunday, I think the Bengals will lose. Gosh, I feel goose bumps. Chiefs 37, Bengals 33

BRONCOS AT RAMS – Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer went 13-3 last year, he is in the prime of his career, and yet his team drafted a quarterback in the first round. I only have one chromosome and I can see the writing on the wall. Rams 26, Broncos 21

SAINTS AT BROWNS – On the Saints first play from scrimmage, Ted Washington eats Saints center Jeff Faine. He comments, “Mmmm, appetizer.” Reggie Bush proves to be hard to catch as a main course because (I believe) he is the ghost of Gale Sayers but in the end it doesn’t matter because Charlie Frye has the coolest name for an NFL quarterback since Joe Montana. Browns 17, Saints 14

JETS AT TITANS – Until Chad Pennington’s arm falls off, which will happen before Thanksgiving, he’s a pretty good quarterback. If the Titans start Vince Young, they will win. I think he is that good. They won’t, and then they won’t. Jets 24, Titans 13

EAGLES AT TEXANS – Ron Dayne, on landing in Houston, said, “It’s probably the best situation I could have been in.” He might think differently after the first 7 billion times he hears the name Reggie Bush. (Nevertheless, they should have picked Vince Young) Anyway, Mario Williams looks great before the game starts. Eagles 30, Texans 13

BEARS AT PACKERS – Once this year Brett Favre looks like, well, Brett Favre. From here on out, he shall resemble Stephen Hawking without the brain. (Or Brett Favre without the physical ability…) But the Bears are in town and Brett is healthy/motivated. It’s the last time for both. Still, I offer you … any given Sunday. Packers 30, Bears 7

COWBOYS AT JAGUARS – No one in America sees the game. All cameras are on Terrell Owens all the time. “He scratched his nose!” says an announcer. Cowboys 10, Jaguars 7

49ERS AT CARDINALS – I didn’t go to the game because Paris Hilton was driving me so we could watch Matt Leinart watch the game. She drove me, yes. Sorry Matt. And uh, thanks for the ride, Paris. That sure was a joy ride. Hope you feel the same way! Cardinals 38, 49ers 12

COLTS AT GIANTS – Noogie Bowl. Eli gets revenge; psychologists write books. Giants 21, Colts 17

VIKINGS AT REDSKINS – Clinton Portis walks into the game like Kirk Gibson and hits a home run. Redskins 24, Vikings 21

CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – If Marty Schottenheimer wasn’t the coach I’d predict that the two best running backs in the league watch Philip Rivers for the whole game in awe. But because of the coach, I suggest only a final five minutes of Philip Rivers awe. Aww. Chargers 23, Chiefs 20

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An exponential amount of people died because of what happened five years ago on Monday. Say a prayer or whatever it is you do to somehow stop it.

Yep, I’m an idiot. Dream on. I do.

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This column is sponsored by World Peace & Unicorns.

WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN
(Home of Foolproof Predictions)

“He was taken to task by some critics who asked, do you write the words or lyrics first?”

- The Michael Stanley Band


I was running with scissors and playing in traffic one afternoon and then it all went blank until I vaguely heard a doctor say, “Sure, he’s even dumber, but now he can predict football games. We installed a chip.”

“But doctor,” said the nurse. “He doesn’t know anything about football.”

“Exactly,” said the doctor. “It’s foolproof.”

“You mean proof he’s a fool?”

“Whatever.”

Would you believe I came here from the circus? Okay, try this: So I was in the unemployment line hoping to land my dream job as an elephant cage cleaner but when I reached the front of the line the only job available was football prognosticator. Although I’d never heard of this thing, football, I entered the training program and now I can say the word, “Touchdown” without sounding French.

The truth is I am a football scientist – an alchemist really. The equation that I use to predict football games has not been invented yet so it also hasn’t been discovered or deciphered, and therefore I defy anyone to prove it doesn’t work or, better yet, prove it does.

As I conjure for you, I have an action picture of Paul Tagliabue smirking on my wall and twice a day I visit my John Madden shrine for some monastic burping. The only thing to distract me from constant thoughts of football are my collection of life-sized blow-up Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders dolls, who I usually party with on Saturday night.

Anyway, it turns out that the chip installed in my brain was a chocolate chip and the truth is that no one knows what’s going to happen in a football game. Really.

That’s why they play the games.

Oh yeah, one more thing. I’m only to tell you once. I am not objective. I have a favorite football team and I always predict they will win. The name of my favorite team sounds a lot like Cleveland Browns and last year, I predicted they would win the Super Bowl. Just like the year before, and the year before that…

So yes, of course I encourage you to bet your life savings on my foolproof methods. But first, could you buy me some new scissors? Just drive over here. I’ll be in the street.



AFC

EAST
PATRIOTS – Holy Maroney, Tom Brady has new weapons. And Bill Belichick still dresses like a slob proving there is room for more tricks up his sleeves. 13-3
DOLPHINS – Yes, Daunte, there are boats in Miami but Nick Saban has all the keys. And Ricky’s in Canada. Damn! 10-6
JETS – Chad Pennington’s arm, transplanted directly from Gumby, is not one to hang hopes on. 8-8
BILLS – The season only turns around after Marv Levy takes over as coach. Well, maybe not. Depends. 5-11

NORTH
BROWNS – In 1921 when William Butler Yeats wrote, “Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold,” he was writing a football predictions’ column about the Browns problems in 2006 at center. Yes, this team is good enough to be written about by literary giants. 16-0
BENGALS – Sure, the Bengals’ uniforms have been changed to orange prison jumpsuits, but Carson Palmer remains the son Archie Manning wishes he had. 12-4
STEELERS – The season starts fine until Ben Roethlesberger’s Motorcycle (real name) writes a tell-all book. 9-7
RAVENS – Ray Lewis retires and stars in an action movie in which he is the bad guy and gets killed. Brian Billick pontificates. 4-12

SOUTH
COLTS – The greatest postseason kicker in the history of football tries to rub some magic dust on the greatest regular season quarterback of the last few years. 14-2
TITANS – Vince Young is going to be Rose Bowl spectacular, and it may not take a full growing season. 9-7
JAGUARS – The Jaguars went 12-4 last year, proving how far luck and good coaching go in the NFL. Luck runs out. 8-8
TEXANS – Some Texans’ fans might notice how many offensive plays this year that Reggie Bush doesn’t get the ball. 3-13

WEST
CHARGERS – I still believe in Marty Schottenheimer. And the new quarterback will be fine. 12-4
BRONCOS – Somebody with a legal name plays running back and gains a million yards, then Jake Plummer plays horrible in the playoffs. Yep, same story. 11-5
CHIEFS – Larry Johnson is the best running back in the NFL but the team ends up mediocre – even in the red. 7-9
RAIDERS – Aaron Brooks is the ultimate tease quarterback, so expect some spectacular games (good and bad). 6-9

NFC

EAST
COWBOYS – The real issue this season won’t be Terrell Owens. It will be Shoeless Drew Bledsoe. But if they can protect Bledsoe, he has a phenomenal arm and great weapons. 12-4
GIANTS – As John Hiatt said, “Thank God the Tiki bar is open.” He keeps running and running…10-6
REDSKINS – By about mid-season when Jason Campbell takes over at QB, the Joe Gibbs transformation will be complete. Too late for this year. 7-9
EAGLES – The carnival left town and there’s not enough donuts in the world to make Andy Reid happy. 5-11

NORTH
BEARS – After Rex Grossman is injured while running onto the field, Brian Griese spends the season handing the ball to Cedric Benson and Thomas Jones. 11-5
VIKINGS – Two years ago the identity of the team was the best receiver in football. Now it’s the best guard. 10-6
LIONS – The Lions don’t finish in last only because the Packers do. Matt Millen pats himself on the back. 4-12
PACKERS – Brett Favre looks older than Gerald Ford without the pacemaker. 2-14

SOUTH
PANTHERS – Steve Smith plays football the same way that Alan Iverson plays basketball and it’s fun to watch. 11-5
BUCCANEERS – The quarterback, running back and coach are big time and that should mean bigger success but maybe they just are having (well not Cadillac) a blond moment. 10-6
SAINTS – Drew Brees, Reggie Bush…I think I hear (Joe) horns blaring again coming from Bayou. Who dat? America’s team, dat who! 8-8
FALCONS – I’m not buying the Michael Vick myth. Never did, and don’t imagine I ever will. But he makes good commercials. 5-11

WEST
SEAHAWKS – Yes, Super Bowl losers usually have a bad year. Not this one. That really was a good football team. 11-5
RAMS – Something about the indoor carpet makes this a team that could catch magic. That, and Torry Holt. 9-7
CARDINALS – Better than you think, and wait till Matt Leinert starts to play with those receivers. 8-8
49ERS – Also known as the 48ers because they play football as it was played when there were only 48 states. 4-12


NFC CHAMPIONSHIP AFC CHAMPIONSHIP
COWBOYS OVER PANTHERS BROWNS OVER PATRIOTS

SUPER BOWL
BROWNS OVER COWBOYS

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Now that Pluto has escaped the Gulag that is the Solar System, it’s only a matter of time before Terrell Owens is declared a planet based upon his gravitational pull. A pre-season stationary bike ride has never been bigger news but I’m begging all those who cover the NFL to please point your cameras somewhere else once in a while. Enough.

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This column is sponsored by mercenaries of the Pluto Liberation Army.