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Super Bowl 51 Pick From The Ministry Of Propaganda
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Archive for January, 2009

Home of A New Deal/New Age Super Bowl XLIII Prediction

January 26, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

“Inside the museums, infinity goes up on trial.”

– Bob Dylan

My sources are scientists using data collected from shamans. The new age is here. Cheese will decide Super Bowl XLIII. It won’t be Roethlisberger cheese.

I originally thought that jobs would decide this year’s Super Bowl between the Arizona Cardinals and Pittsburgh Steelers, but the scientists and shamans assured me that I should be ashamed of such an opinion.

We argued.

I said that Kurt Warner has to do a good job for the Cardinals to win. They said he has to throw some cheese.

Having lost that particular argument, we all agreed that we need a job. We scanned the Want Ads and quickly realized that the only person in America who is even thinking of hiring anyone is President Barack Obama.

This is our application:

SUPER BOWL MEMO TO BARACK OBAMA: These best ever Super Bowl XLIII Predictions are an application for a new public works grant to employ America’s thinkers. Um, I think.

Just past the precipice of change, pundits and poets, prophets and philosophers, plus people and persons together with some scientists have discovered that cheese will decide Super Bowl XLIII. Therefore, we’d all like a job. (I am the prophet.)

As you know, only America is capable of a Super Bowl. And only an unemployed think tank America is capable of the detail of these predictions.

For instance, although there may have been an earlier public reference to throwing cheese, we actually mean that cheese, as a food substance, will decide Super Bowl XLIII.

One player is going to have a bad cheese stomach. We are unable, as of press time, to conclude which player or whether it will be Swiss cheese or cheddar cheese, but we do know as fact that all data points to cheese allowing Larry Fitzgerald to run free.

So we are smiling and saying “cheese” and asking, please get us in on that bailout thing you got planned and then we’ll tell you the cheesy details of whatzgonnahappen.

PREGAME: Mike Holmgren and Tony Dungy perform Abbott and Costello skits followed by some classic Laurel and Hardy. Meanwhile Ken Whisenhunt’s pre-game speech doesn’t interrupt Kurt Warner’s pre-game prayer for Troy Polamalu to forgive him. John Madden says profound things that you and he won’t remember.

COIN TOSS: After the coin is tossed into the air, Henry Paulson grabs it and runs. As soon as the trillion-dollar debt is paid off in silver dollars, the game begins. Heads. Cardinals receive.

FIRST QUARTER: J.J. Arrington runs past a wave into a brick wall at the 25-yard line. The first play is a trick play and the trick doesn’t work. After trading three and outs, the Cardinals strike first, and second. Willie Parker makes the Steelers appear competent for a time but the quarter ends without Pittsburgh points. Cardinals 10, Steelers 0

SECOND QUARTER: The drive continues and Ben Roethlisberger has a key 12-yard scramble. Yes, I am being that specific because scientists and shamans have told me to and also because I could have written he will throw a 40-yard pass but I didn’t. Remember this the next time you go to a website that charges you for predictions. Cardinals 10, Steelers 7

HALFTIME:
For a brief shining moment, there is a glimpse of Bruce Springsteen as working-class hero and then for the rest of the show we get the jump-the-shark iconic stereotype lame “brand” that we get from all the great ones. Cheer America. Look, everyone else is.

THIRD QUARTER:  Bruce is gone, but his spirit reigns. The Steelers get the ball and Continue reading “Home of A New Deal/New Age Super Bowl XLIII Prediction” »

SUPER BOWL DAILY 4 – “A Terrible Moral Dilemma”

January 23, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

I was a trembling, because I’d got to decide, forever, betwixt two things and I knowed it. I studied a minute, sort of holding my breath, and then says to myself: “All right then, I’ll GO to hell.”
– Mark Twain

January 23, 2009 – Diplomacy is in again but mine is a personal moral dilemma. I want to love my neighbor, but I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers.

I think anyone who owns a Terrible Towel is a terrible person. Despicable even.

The Pittsburgh Steelers in recent years made a tradition of nuclear bombing my Cleveland Browns at Christmas. Every year, it’s the same thing under my tree: used coal. And now I am supposed to look the other way?

I don’t think I can do that. Yes, the Cold War ended and the Russians became cool again but this is the Pittsburgh Steelers – old-school evildoers who are now poised to win their sixth Super Bowl.

And so while I go through ten more days of therapy, it makes me wonder what it is like to defuse real situations of hatred.

Good luck, Mr. President.

FINAL SUPER BOWL PREDICTIONS COMING SOON!

This column is sponsored by peace, love & understanding.

SUPER BOWL DAILY – 3 “Hype is Hope”

January 22, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Oh baby, Don’t it feel like heaven right now
Don’t it feel like something from a dream
Tom Petty

January 22, 2009 – In one of his first acts as President, Barack Obama ordered hype for Super Bowl XLIII.

“Let’s talk about the Super Bowl, just the Super Bowl,” he said.

Critics compared the action to former President George W. Bush’s suggestion to go shopping after the terrorist attacks of 9/11.

Obama admitted this was also his first instinct. “I was going to suggest Americans go shopping, but no one has any money and most of the stores are closed,” he said.

Therefore, he signed an executive order to his newly created Department of Hype, which moved seamlessly from his campaign into the White House.

Analysts believe the order for Americans to be distracted by the Super Bowl is simply a way for President Obama to figure out what to do with the mess he found on his desk.

It seems that as long as there’s hype, there’s hope.

FINAL SUPER BOWL PREDICTIONS COMING SOON!

This column is sponsored by Donald Rumsfeld’s nightmares.

SUPER BOWL DAILY – 2 “Hey, what about us?”

January 21, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

We reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals
Barack Obama

January 21, 2009 – I am being held hostage by a Cleveland Browns hat in a dark dungeon while in the outside world Arizona Cardinals fans and Pittsburgh Steelers fans revel.

And although I commend President Barack Obama’s overture to stop the torture by freeing the Arizona Cardinal fan from this dungeon, I’d like to remind the new President that there are still two of us left here – me and this other poor sap, the hostage of a Detroit Lions hat.

Neither of us has ever been to the Super Bowl.

I can’t tell if the Cleveland Browns hat and Detroit Lions hat are part of some rogue CIA operation or simply terrorist organizations in their own right. But torture is torture, and seeing one of our gang of three losers chosen to go to the Promised Land is, though inspiring, actually even more torturous.

The guy in the Lions hat, who drinks from buckets of his own tears, agrees.

Final Super Bowl Predictions coming Wednesday January 28.

This column is sponsored by the ideals that light the world.

SUPER BOWL DAILY – 1 “I never imagined.”

January 20, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

You say you got a real solution
Well you know, we’d all love to see the plan
The Beatles

January 20, 2009 – On this historic day, I tear up thinking that never in my lifetime did I imagine the Arizona Cardinals would play in the Super Bowl.

Meanwhile, horrible bile rises from my belly as I realize that the Pittsburgh Steelers will be in the big game too. Despite hope for change there are dark ugly uniforms standing in the way of a dream’s success.

Arriving in the big game is one thing. It’s only when you win that you get on Mount Rushmore.

My final Super Bowl prediction is coming Wednesday January 28.

This column is sponsored by the content of our character.

Home of George W. Bush’s Final Conference Championship NFL Picks

January 13, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention
Frank Sinatra

PRESIDENT BUSH: In this year’s NFL playoffs, I picked the first two games correctly and then put up a “Mission Accomplished” banner. I acknowledge that may have been a mistake.

Yes, last week I got all four games wrong. But I’m not going to sit here and whine… poor me, why did the Steelers have to win on my watch? It’s just pathetic, isn’t it, self pity? But really, I hate the Steelers. I’ve been working for eight straight years to help the Detroit Lions.

I understand that Hurricane Millen came in and wiped out the entire city of Detroit. But don’t tell me that the Federal Government didn’t respond. We sent in dozens of wide receivers and Brownie did a great job as general manager.

But my number one concern has been to keep this NFL predictions column safe from attack by evildoers. Yes, the predictions in here are often wrong. That’s the beauty of my plan. Osama Bin Laden has not won his fantasy football league in years!

See FREECHEEZEBURGERZ for OBAMA AGREES TO MANAGE NY YANKEES

See my column on theobr.com FOR The Eric Mangini Hiring Explained

So mine has been a very successful time in office but soon I will leave and your Prognosticator will be Barack Obama, a smart, engaging person who is mistaken to think that this column is viewed in a dim light after eight consecutive years of picking the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl.

It may be damaged among some in the elite who care about wins and losses and facts and stuff, but people understand that Whatzgonnahappen stands for freedom… the freedom to pick your favorite team to win no matter what.

So now I’m going to go get a big straw hat and a Hawaiian shirt and sit on a beach, just like the guy pictured at the top of this column. Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

EAGLES AT CARDINALS – A two-bird game should be decided in the air. What I want: I want a microcosm of the Eagles season complete with a Donovan McNabb benching and then Continue reading “Home of George W. Bush’s Final Conference Championship NFL Picks” »

Home of Senator Wannabe Divisional Playoff NFL Picks

January 07, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Born down in a dead man’s town
The first kick I took was when I hit the ground

–    Bruce Springsteen

Good NFL predictors understand that the ends justify the means, just as in politics. It doesn’t matter how you got there, as long as you get there. So I am proud to present three new names in NFL predicting. That’s right: Roland Burris, Al Franken, and Caroline Kennedy walk into a bar, and there is an NFL playoff game on…

My name is Roland Burris and I have been appointed NFL predictor from the great state of Illinois.

What do you mean I’m not certified? Fonzi over there appointed me.

All right, fine, I’ll wait but not long. In the meantime, I want to go watch the Cleveland Browns playoff game.

What do you mean the Cleveland Browns didn’t get certified into the playoffs? What’s your thing with certification?

My name is Al Franken and I’m smart enough and I’m good enough because doggone it 225 more people out of about 3 million in Minnesota think I can pick NFL games better than that the other guy whose name I hope you soon forget.

The important thing is that the will of the people – this particular will of the people, not the one that was announced on November 4 – be honored and I believe those people want the Cleveland Browns in the playoffs. I’ve got political capital and I’m going to use it.

I don’t have political capital? A court has to decide if I’m smart enough or good enough? The Browns aren’t in the playoffs? Doggone it.

My name is, um, Caroline Kennedy and, you know, I want to be um, like, you know, the NFL predictor from, um, New York. Did you know my Dad was the Prognosticator of the United States of America? Yeah, just like Barack Obama’s going to be.

So, uh, I don’t follow football, you know, but, uh, Uncle Teddy told me that for the Cleveland Browns the work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die.

The Browns dream died again this year? Oh. He didn’t say that’s whatzgonnahappen.

RAVENS AT TITANS – Form a circle, the bullies in the schoolyard are going to have a fight. Continue reading “Home of Senator Wannabe Divisional Playoff NFL Picks” »

Home of Resolutionary Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks

January 02, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

You can get it if you really want
But you must try

– Jimmy Cliff


I resolve to give you the best NFL predictions in America. This resolution thing is easy. Last year, I resolved to eat more donuts and you know what? I did! I did eat more donuts.

The key is to set realistic goals and do what everyone else does. So this year in order to give you the best NFL predictions in America, I started to actually follow the NFL. I started this week.

Soon, I realized the NFL is firing everyone and the thing to do is fire my predictions coordinator. It’s his fault that I got so many games wrong last year. Therefore, I am now conducting interviews while debating in my head whether to grant total control of my predictions to just one person.

It’s a big job.

The predictions coordinator has to deal with 16 games almost every week plus keep track of 32 teams and every player and coach on every team. In addition, the predictions coordinator must learn to control my fingers as I type – ten fingers, each with a mind of its own.

For instance, the middle finger on each of my hands is named after a wide receiver and both seem to always want attention. And then there’s the finger pointing that went on this year whenever a prediction was wrong. Talk about a dysfunctional set of hands.

Thus, I’ve applied for an early grant from the Obama infrastructure plan and I have money to hire an entire predictions staff because the incoming president has declared nothing is more important than trying to figure out whatzgonnahappen.

FALCONS AT CARDINALS – Michael Turner probably breaks off three runs of 40 yards or more. And for a rookie in a playoff game, Matt Ryan will be great. But it won’t be enough against the old gunslinger, who finds some help from Edgerrin James. Cardinals 31, Falcons 20

Continue reading “Home of Resolutionary Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks” »