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Archive for September, 2009

OBAMA, ABBAS & NETANYAHU’S 2009 WEEK 3 NFL PICKS

September 22, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Let’s give them something to talk about
A little mystery to figure out
– Bonnie Raitt

Barack Obama: I’m worried fellas. In week 3 of the NFL, the New Orleans Saints are likely to use the bomb again.

Benjamin Netanyahu: Yes, bombers who think they are saints worry me too.

Obama: Those guys are Saints.

Mahmoud Abbas: I agree with Benjamin. I also worry about bombs. But I thought we were gathered here to talk about the dispossessed – those least fortunate who need our help.

Obama: Oh, you mean the Cleveland Browns. You’re right, we should probably work on the poverty issue. But did you realize the Green Bay Packers play against the St. Louis Rams this week? Do you think that’s fair?

Netanyahu: Life isn’t fair, my friend. But I think the truly complicated issue is the Cleveland Browns at Baltimore Ravens game. It’s basically new Browns/old Browns. It’s complicated. It’s personal. And for fans in both cities this feeling of exile goes back generations. Someone even told me that Mayflower Moving Vans and the city of Indianapolis somehow figures into it all.

Abbas: I’ve heard that Art Modell is known as “The Evil One.”

Obama: That’s not true in Baltimore. In Baltimore, The Evil One is Bob Irsay.

Netanyahu: Hearsay?

Abbas: I hear say that we should have peace every Sunday in the Middle East so we can watch the NFL without all that war racket going on. I want to watch my favorite team, the Cleveland Browns.

Netanyahu: Now that you mention it, Mahmoud, I love the love the Cleveland Browns too. How about peace all week long as well so I have time to wash my Leroy Kelly jersey.

Abbas: That’s a great idea! That way I can wash my Bernie Kosar jersey. You know, I believe the Cleveland Browns have just brought about peace between Israel and Palestine. By the way, I am glad Brady Quinn is the starting quarterback.

Netanyahu: You’re kidding, right? I want Derek Anderson to be the quarterback.

Obama: Uh oh. Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

Continue reading “OBAMA, ABBAS & NETANYAHU’S 2009 WEEK 3 NFL PICKS” »

Glen Beck Presents The Joe Wilson/Serena Williams 2009 Week 2 NFL Picks

September 15, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Jeremiah was a bullfrog
Was a good friend of mine

– Three Dog Night

GLEN BECK: America, I can predict week 2 in the NFL because I am a Fox News star who knows how to be fair and balanced and find unbiased commentators such as Congressman Joe Wilson and tennis star Serena Williams who advised me that if I get angry and scream a lot, anything is possible.

I followed up with them because I heard on the quote-unquote “sports news” – which is unfair and unbalanced – that the Cleveland Browns lost to the Minnesota Vikings in week 1 of the NFL. Then I asked Joe Wilson to watch a replay of the game with Serena Williams and simply tell me the truth. They screamed that the truth is full of ugly lies, so it must be true that the scoreboard operator lied. They yelled convincingly loud!

And since Joe Wilson told me something that I desperately want to believe, and Serena Williams told me that she would use a tennis ball in an unfriendly manner to prove the point, I am passing the dispute about last week’s results on to you as fact. It is a fact that on a planet not currently occupied by Barney Frank that the Browns actually won… just move on, don’t think… but I am telling you that what I think I believe that what I have heard and now come to believe is factual evidence full of facts and I present it to you as irrefutable factual evidence (there’s those words “fact” and “evidence” again… coincidence? I think not!) of a conspiracy reaching the highest levels of our government.

The liberal United States government with its socialist bent is so corrupt that it will not even share the wealth with the Cleveland Browns. That’s communism at its absolute selfish worst. And it’s also clear that President Obama is a color fascist, because he has something against the Browns, who wear orange helmets. He is also a Kenyan, not an American, and I can prove it. Make him run a marathon. If he wins, he’s Kenyan. If he loses, he is a loser. I bet he won’t run a marathon, which is just more factual evidence that he can’t prove he is an American and not a loser.

So our non-American communist fascist loser President lies and has hijacked the standings in the National Football League. Although I hate the Patriots, I am a patriot who won’t sit idly by while the NFL is socially engineered. Please save our country by coming to my tea party and holding a really mean sign, and I’ll tell you exactly whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Glen Beck Presents The Joe Wilson/Serena Williams 2009 Week 2 NFL Picks” »

Ted Kennedy’s 2009 Week 1 NFL Picks

September 04, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

It’s a holiday in Cambodia
It’s tough, kid, but it’s life

– The Dead Kennedys

EDWARD KENNEDY: It’s me, dead Ted here to predict week 1 of the 2009 NFL season. Don’t be alarmed. I’m on a holiday. The Pope arranged for this. He couldn’t promise to get me into heaven but he said he’d allow me to predict week 1 of the NFL as a reward for my good deeds and also as a punishment for my bad deeds. You see, he sent me to this website.

My fellow NFL fans – more than a half century ago, my brother Jack challenged you to ask not what your favorite team can do for you but what you can do for your favorite team. In that time, you have admirably evolved from gray conservative attire to full-on face painting. I commend you, and in the 1980s I may have tailgated with you.

After Jack, my brother Bobby looked at things that never were and asked why don’t the Cleveland Browns ever win the championship. He inspired many people and yet the team never won the Super Bowl.

I found myself becoming the voice of the cause.  At first, I stumbled to tell Roger Mudd why I should be the number 1 fan but eventually I realized that work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream of a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl shall never die.

In my final living act, just after I wrote to the Pope asking for his prayers, I wrote to NFL commissioner Roger Goodell asking him to steer Michael Vick to the Cleveland Browns because I wanted to see men dressed in the masks of angry dogs cheering for him. But like a lot of my liberal dreams of peace among enemies, it was not meant to be.

And so I say to you as you continue to engage in the great struggle of our time (well, your time… I’m currently taking a dirt nap),  that universal health care, equality, and world peace probably aren’t gonna happen so pour yourself a cold one, like me, and let me tell you whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Ted Kennedy’s 2009 Week 1 NFL Picks” »