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Archive for October, 2009

Trick Or Treat 2009 Week 8 NFL Picks

October 31, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

‘Cause this thriller, thriller night
And no one’s gonna save you from the beast about to strike

– Michael Jackson

If you throw that egg, I won’t give you my week 8 NFL predictions. I am here at home dressed as an NFL prognosticator while I try to decipher, from the look on your face, why you are carrying toilet paper.

You want candy? I’ll give you candy when you show up dressed up as a Cleveland Browns victory. That would be unexpected, and quite a treat in this neighborhood.

On the other hand, putting on a Brett Favre mask and wearing a different jersey every year does not qualify as a costume. Plus I am having a hard time figuring out the difference between the Al Davis costume and Frankenstein.

I’ve noticed that every year you knuckleheads show up here looking for treats and threatening me with tricks. But I’ve told you the only thing I have to offer are haunted NFL predictions from  hell, I mean Cleveland. Yeah, that’s right. I dare say, boo to your tricks with one of my own.

You scoundrels may think you’ve bamboozled me into giving away my predictions – such as last week’s prescient Cedric Benson gains momentum with each of Jay Cutler’s three interceptions prediction. How did I know that would happen?

And so you show up at my door ready to soap my windows and you expect me to provide insight and candy? Okay, don’t throw that toilet paper in my trees because you’re going to need it after I tell you whatzgonnahappen.
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Balloon Boy’s Pretend Week 7 NFL Picks

October 24, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

99 dreams I have had
In every one a red balloon

– Nena

Help me! I just launched a balloon and my Week 7 NFL predictions are in it!

What do you mean you don’t believe me?

I know American history. George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Martin Luther King Jr. are great Americans but they do not compare to Balloon Boy. Balloon Boy is the greatest American ever, even greater than Tom Brady.

I call for a Balloon Boy National Holiday, and renaming Yosemite National Park and Niagra Falls as Balloon Boy Park and Balloon Boy Falls.  And, while Congress is taking on that important work, I suggest the Denver Broncos be renamed the Balloon Boy Broncos. And I also think Balloon Boy’s father should either be Bernie Madoff’s roommate or the top advisor to Reskins owner Daniel Snyder – because a large hoax is a large hoax. Speaking of a large hoax, here’s whatzgonnahappen.
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Limbaugh’s Rams Week 6 NFL Predictions

October 14, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Don’t feel like Satan, but I am to them
So I try to forget it any way I can

– Neil Young

These week 6 NFL predictions are in honor of Rush Limbaugh’s bid to buy the St. Louis Rams. This predictions column supports Limbaugh’s bid and hopes Michael Moore will quickly buy the Detroit Lions.

Rush has been trying to weasel his way onto the NFL stage for years now because he knows what we all know – that the NFL is America’s greatest and most popular business. There are those who claim that Rush has no right to own a franchise because  things he has said are construed by some to be very offensive. Although I disagree with Rush about almost everything, I’d ask the language police to chill out.

There is this thing in America called the First Amendment, which states specifically, in the words of Thomas Jefferson, “Rush Limbaugh has the right to be a knucklehead and own an NFL franchise.”

In fact, I think more teams in the NFL should be owned by celebrities – okay, all NFL teams should be owned by celebrities. If Jerry Jones has one more plastic surgery, we’ll call him Joan Rivers and let him stay.

Otherwise, the NFL should mandate that a celebrity owns each of its 32 franchises within the next five years. The more controversial the better. Let’s put the owners meeting on TV and have Simon Cowell judge it. Then, once a year, two owners will get voted out of the club and replaced by the newest and hottest controversial celebrity. So if the rule existed this year, Glen Beck would be given the Steelers and Lil Wayne would own the Cardinals.

So please feel free to nominate your own celebrity owners.

There’s 32 teams and if Al Sharpton owns the New England Patriots and Liz Cheney owns the Oakland Raiders like I’m hoping, that’s two less teams looking for an owner.  Throw in Barney Frank running the New York Giants and Sarah Palin in charge of the New York Jets and you can see how this column could really flourish. Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
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The Nobel Prize for Week 5 NFL Predictions

October 09, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

In this undiscovered moment, lift your head up above the crowd
We could shake this world, if you would only show us how
Your life is now

– John Mellencamp

I humbly accept the Nobel Prize for Week 5 NFL Predictions. I deserve this. The committee, in its wisdom, recognized my tremendous accomplishment of predicting Cleveland Browns victories. I expect a Grammy and Oscar as well, and I have plans to win the next hot-dog eating contest.

I accept this award as a call to action for the teams that I predict to win to actually win once in a while. If a guy in charge of two wars can win the Nobel Peace Prize, then I see no reason why my failure to accurately predict football games precludes me from the Nobel Prize for Week 5 NFL Predictions.

In fact, I’ve done more than Barack Obama has… I’ve already failed a lot.

This award is not just about my own failures, but it must be shared with the Cleveland Browns, who I continually predict will win even though they are as downtrodden as a one-legged orphan at a family dance party. They strive for justice and dignity and victories but achieve none of the above.  So I don’t really know why I won this award. I only know whatzgonnahappen.
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October 02, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

And it’s a certain kind of fool
Who likes to hear the sound of his own name

– The Eagles

MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD: I predict week 4 in the NFL will be wiped off the map by one name – Brett Favre.

I’m the one who sent him back. First I made him retire. Then I talked him into waffling because I hate middle America. Sure, I considered bombing Minnesota and Wisconsin, but I knew Brett Favre’s retirement/unretirement would cause greater and longer-lasting collective angst than any mere military operation.

So you foolish Americans can believe what you want to believe but I am telling you that the twilight of Brett Favre’s career is an Iranian intelligence operation aimed at causing psychological damage in the heartland.

Speaking of psychological damage and the heartland, let me be clear: The damage Eric Mangini is allegedly doing to the Cleveland Browns is not real. I deny it.

Don’t bother me with documents, proof, standings, or statistics. I have no desire to look at the first three games of Mark Sanchez’s career with the knowledge that Mangini chose to stick with weak-armed (and already benched) Brady Quinn, and draft a center instead.

I don’t see any damage at all.

The Browns are a great football team and the talent is hidden away in a secret facility. No, I’m not going to tell you where it is or let you inspect the team. The only thing I will reveal is that Eric Mangini also works for the Iranian government. That’s right, I’m spreading NFL despair city by city, and I’m going to destroy your city next. That’s whatzgonnahappen.

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