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Archive for November, 2009

The Pilgrims’ Week 12 NFL Picks

November 26, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Walk right in it’s around the back
Just a half mile from the railroad track
You can get anything you want, at Alice’s Restaurant

– Arlo Guthrie

The first Thanksgiving included 2009 Week 12 NFL Picks. That’s just one of the revelations in the new VH1 special called; The Pilgrims, Behind the Music.

“Governor William Bradford had issues with authority,” the story begins. “As the leader of the retro-band, The Pilgrims, who cruised around on their floating crib, The Mayflower, he had issues with himself since he was the one in authority. Our story takes place in 1621. Bradford, like all of the Pilgrims, was a Cleveland Browns fan and he often parked the Mayflower in Lake Erie, where the wild and crazy Pilgrims tailgated waiting for a Browns game to start at the old Cleveland Municipal Stadium. Some dressed in dog masks.”

“It was a few days after a game in the 1621 season when Governor Bradford, who was still wearing a Bernie Kosar jersey, was back at his home in Plymouth. He called his home, Plymouth Plantation. He was not a Patriots fan. He didn’t even consider himself to be living in Massachusetts.”

“On this particular day Governor Bradford was watching his large screen HD television when an Indian – but not a Cleveland Indian – knocked on his door and said, “Hey, you guys want any corn?” This Indian’s name was Squanto. He also was a Cleveland Browns fan. In fact, he was wearing a Leroy Kelly jersey.”

“Squanto was so happy another Browns fan was living in the neighborhood that he pulled out his cell phone and called his friends and told them to bring some turkeys and beer. While Governor Bradford and Squanto discussed how Eric Mangini has been like a dose of smallpox for the Cleveland Browns, they took out the schedule and pointed to the Monday night game in Week 12 of the 2009 season.”

“The Saints/Patriots game, Squanto and Governor Bradford agreed, is one to be thankful for.  So they invented Thanksgiving in New England but then they drank too much and decided to mandate that the Detroit Lions play on television every Thanksgiving. It was the first time in history that alcohol caused a problem at Thanksgiving. And the Detroit Lions on Thanksgiving is known by many as the Pilgrim’s dark legacy.”

“The only record of that first Thanksgiving are these 2009 Week 12 NFL picks left behind in a ledger dated November 26, 1621 under the heading Whatzgonnahappen.” Continue reading “The Pilgrims’ Week 12 NFL Picks” »

Oprah’s Bookish Week 11 NFL Picks

November 20, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold em,
Know when to walk away, and know when to run

– Kenny Rogers

Oprah Winfrey here to tell you that prayer and careful thought went into these week 11 NFL picks. Oh yeah, I am quitting my show but not until I sell some more books. In fact, if a bookie showed you these week 11 NFL picks, you’d throw the book at him. You’d throw Sarah Palin’s book at him. You’d throw Andre Agassi’s book at him.

But if Bill Belichick read these picks on fourth down against Peyton Manning, he’d go against the book unless you’d really studied the book and then you’d say he guessed right even though he was obviously dead wrong. The “book” has hidden meanings.

The Word Factory has been busy lately. Have you noticed? One of the workers on the factory floor said he actually saw Sarah Palin type in the word “I” 58 times before leaving behind a staff and a dictionary to finish her book. Andre, by contrast, typed the word “me” a lot before he left. So you can see why I am so inspired to promote literacy. You can also see why I am inspired to finally quit doing this crap.

As an homage to my audience, though, I’d like to offer a final gift. You get an NFL Pick! And you get an NFL Pick! And you get an NFL Pick! Everybody gets an NFL Pick! Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Oprah’s Bookish Week 11 NFL Picks” »

Unemployed Week 10 NFL Picks

November 12, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

It’s my job but without it I’d be less
Than what I expect from me

– Jimmy Buffett

These week 10 NFL predictions lost their job. Their greedy CEO cut their salary so he could spend it on Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer. These predictions never get a Blue Ribbon, proving that capitalism is unfair and extravagant. These week 10 NFL predictions hate The Man.

The Man just burped.

These week 10 NFL predictions were laid off from their regular job and now, every week after trekking to the unemployment office, the only thing these week 10 NFL predictions can do to maintain dignity is to hope for change – which, by the way, is what they thought they voted for last year.

These week 10 NFL predictions are on the sidewalk begging for change, and left with no hope. The Dow is at 10,000, and there is 10 percent unemployment in America’s NFL week 10. The stars are aligning for the predictions to get 10 right, or maybe 10 wrong. More likely 10 wrong.

These week 10 NFL predictions offer the following tip: the Sunday night game between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts, featuring Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, is the most crucial thing happening on the planet this week.

Okay, maybe these week 10 NFL picks are unemployed for a reason.

For instance, these NFL predictions always fall for the Cleveland Browns. Talk about a team without hope… a team needing change. The situation appears infinitely hopeless. The fans in Cleveland are protesting and the owner is taking his advice from a guy wearing a dog mask – no wait, that’s Eric Mangini. How does he have a job?

So while The Man is passed out in his own odorous drool, these week 10 NFL predictions would like to quietly and very behind-the-scenes suggest that if you check out their resume or even get references from Week 9, you will discover there is not the slightest chance in hell that this is whatzgonnahappen.
Continue reading “Unemployed Week 10 NFL Picks” »

Hamid Karzai’s Week 9 NFL Picks

November 05, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Well, I woke up this morning and I got myself a beer
The future’s uncertain and the end is always near

– The Doors

KABUL – Hamid Karzai here with my week 9 NFL picks. For a variety of reasons, I’d also like to talk about a quagmire.

When my opponent  for president of Afghanistan dropped out and I ran unopposed, it reminded me of watching any team play against the the Cleveland Browns. It’s easy to win without an opponent. So this week the Browns have a bye, which means they technically don’t have an opponent, but my brother, who has connections, tells me the bye will win. He said the bye will also beat the Oakland Raiders, St. Louis Rams, and Buffalo Bills.

Did I mention I am worried about a quagmire? Don’t misunderstand. Afghanistan is not like Vietnam. Afghanistan is more like the Cleveland Browns. No one ever wins here. Alexander the Great, the British, and the Russians couldn’t win here in Afghanistan. Chris Palmer, Butch Davis, and Romeo Crennel couldn’t win in Cleveland. Do you see the similarity?

But I can’t dwell on the past for a variety of reasons. So even though the generals have asked for an additional eight games, I suggest the Browns just withdraw now. If they don’t, I am afraid to tell you whatzgonnahappen.

Continue reading “Hamid Karzai’s Week 9 NFL Picks” »