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Archive for December, 2009

Decade-Ending Week 17 NFL Picks

December 31, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention

– Paul Anka

These 2009 Week 17 NFL picks have been planned for an entire decade. And what a decade it’s been. I feel like I’ve aged 10 years.

If you’ve been betting these picks for the past 10 years, I’d like to know how you can afford to lose so much money. You do know that I am missing a chromosome, right?

Just last week, I was very accurate in predicting the score of the Giants/Panthers game. It was a blowout: the Panthers won 41-9. My only mistake was picking the wrong team to win that blowout. I picked the Giants to win 40-10. This proves that I am a dyslexic psychic – which would be a great band name.

There is so much to reflect on this decade but for me the sum of all the parts amount to Balloon Boy. It was the Balloon Boy Decade, even in the NFL, where my false hopes of a Cleveland Browns championship and this column taking off floated away and I am in shackles to a team that hates me and a popular culture that can’t connect the same dots I see. The two teams of the decade are the despised Pittsburgh Steelers and the the team coached by the Bernie-Kosar-cutting Bill Belichick, the New England Patriots. And Art Modell won a championship in Baltimore too.

I love new beginnings. I need one almost every day. And now we are at the cusp of not just a new year but a new decade. This follows a decade that only the 1930s or 1960s can rival and yes these are non-football thoughts in the middle of this football column, which is the reason why all three of my readers are here.

Which brings me to… I’ve noticed there are only three of you readers, maybe four at the most. And this thinking stuff requires a lot more work than you might think. And since none of you has given me an “A” or even a gold star, let alone actual cash – this may be the final season of this column. I think that every year about this time when my favorite team, the Cleveland Browns, stink again. This year I am putting it to you. Am I wasting my time?

I will ponder though the playoffs, or you can vote and tell me whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Decade-Ending Week 17 NFL Picks” »

Wolf Biltzen’s Christmas Week 16 NFL Picks

December 24, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

You better watch out, you better not cry
Better not pout, I’m telling you why

– J. Fred Coots and Haven Gillespie

I’m Wolf Blitzen, news reindeer, reporting that these Week 16 NFL picks were voted on by the Senate on the morning of Christmas Eve. The key point in the legislation was if you pout,  you’ll get gout from Dan Fouts.

Okay, I made that last part up. But Senate Democrats and Joe Lieberman voted to predict this week’s NFL games despite vehement opposition from Republicans – the conservatives who think the Cleveland Browns won’t win by 50 points. Even though the ability to abort losses was taken out of final legislation, President Obama expressed confidence in the process moving forward.

“When the House and Senate reconcile their differences – including whether should there should be a public option to fire Eric Mangini – I believe this legislation will prove to be the first step to providing real adequate health care to the Cleveland Browns organization. In the meantime, I’ve appointed one of the top football health specialists, Mike Holmgren, to the case.”

That’s what happened. Merry Christmas. Here’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Wolf Biltzen’s Christmas Week 16 NFL Picks” »

Global Warming Week 15 NFL Picks

December 18, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Lonely days are gone, I’m a goin’ home
‘Cause my baby just a-wrote me a letter

– The Boxtops

These Week 15 NFL picks are hot! Stolen emails reveal that three rainforests were chopped down to produce these week 15 NFL picks and our SUV-driving employees are required to hold the buttons of two coal-powered aerosol cans during all waking moments.

While world leaders meet in Copenhagen and argue about how to reduce global warming, the staff of this column met in a bar and discussed how best to increase it. We were cold that day.

Ours is a point of view missing from the global warming debate and so we stole our own emails and now we dare to show them to the world. It’s shocking but…

We hate winter. Sure, the cuteness factor makes us want to save the polar bears and penguins. But contrary to premature and therefore misleading press reports, we have not decided to announce whether either tastes very good in our special chili recipe. But speaking of that, our pursuit of methane gas has us serving food that encourages flatulence.

We demand to be heard even if our pursuit of perfect weather must be paired with an NFL prediction site during a week late in the season when a couple of teams are still pursuing perfect records. As Cleveland Browns fans, we are also in favor of climate change in the NFL – although we’ve discovered that it is much easier to change the climate of an entire planet than it is to change the climate of that particular dysfunctional NFL team.

But in week 15, while we expect the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts to continue acting like bullying industrial nations, we hold out hope that the Cleveland Browns will stop with the Maldives-of-the-NFL act. That’s whatzgonnahappen.
Continue reading “Global Warming Week 15 NFL Picks” »

Ecstatic Week 14 NFL Picks

December 12, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

There are those who look at things the they way they are, and ask why…
I dream of things that never were, and ask why not?

– Robert F. Kennedy

These week 14 NFL predictions are late because I knew I’d be correct about the Browns game, so I started celebrating Thursday’s victory on Tuesday. Yes, I am that kind of psychic.

In this column, the news of the world takes a pause this week. Cancel the wars, quit asking about Tiger’s chances for par no matter what you are counting, and call the economy fixed –  because the Cleveland Browns beat the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Say “Amen.”

Now someone call Satan (I know at least one of my readers has his cell phone number) and tell him to start wearing ice skates because his hometown has frozen over. While on the subject, I admit that I sold my soul in order to be right about this game. You are welcome.

When you’ve been bullied for more than a decade and you finally get to throw a punch – it not only sends a message but it feels good – therapeutic even. Of course, Thursday’s victory by the Cleveland Browns over the evil Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers probably means that St. Louis will draft a Hall of Fame player while the Browns will draft a criminal with a bad knee, a fast motorcycle, two hands of stone, the brain capacity of a bag of spoons, the work habits of Joe the homeless guy, and the ethical standards of an indicted politician.

But that doesn’t mean I didn’t celebrate each of the eight sacks of Ben Roethlisberger, just as I knew I would. I was right to think I would be happy watching Joshua Cribbs run over the Steelers, and I made the proper decision to start celebrating Chris Jennings touchdown a full two days early. My hindsight about my foresight is 20/20.

Life is good because the Browns beat the Steelers and yes I am that simple, so at the moment I don’t know or care if this is whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Ecstatic Week 14 NFL Picks” »

Peace Through Football Week 13 NFL Picks

December 02, 2009 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

There’s battle lines being drawn
Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong

– Buffalo Springfield

President Obama: These Week 13 NFL picks are a time of great trial. My fellow Americans, even though no one has ever won in the wasteland known as Week 13 NFL picks, I suggest that Week 13 NFL Picks are winnable. We just need a good plan.

And so just as Richard Nixon had a secret plan to end the Vietnam War, I have a secret plan to win Week 13 NFL Picks. I got the idea from some dinner guests, a nice couple I met recently at the White House, and now I’m going to share my secret plan with you. I have a new vision of peace, more advanced than Woodrow Wilson’s League of Nations. I propose a League of Football Teams – yes this means an immediate surge in teams in the National Football League worldwide.

Therefore effective immediately the Kabul Jackals are the NFL’s newest expansion team in the new Axis of Evil Division with the Baghdad Camels, the Pyongyang Tigers, and the Teheran Cheetahs. The great roving statesman, Bill Parcells, has already agreed to leave the Miami Dolphins and go to Kabul to take over the Jackals. He also had an offer to go to Cleveland but he felt that Kabul would be a safer and a more stable work environment than the organization known as the Cleveland Browns.

Richard Nixon once suggested bringing peace with honor. I am an evolved version of Nixon – I propose peace with football and it starts with Week 13 NFL picks. Think about it. Both Nixon and I inherited a never-ending war from a stubborn Texan. While Nixon tried to bomb his way to peace, I propose bombs and screen passes as a way to world harmony. Here’s the best part: It will only take 18 months. Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen.
Continue reading “Peace Through Football Week 13 NFL Picks” »