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Archive for January, 2010

Ted Kennedy’s NFL Conference Championship Picks

January 21, 2010 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And everyday the paper boy brings more
– Pink Floyd

TED KENNEDY: Hey, dead Ted back again, now that 41 out of 100 is a majority, to give you my NFL Conference Championship predictions and to check in on my beloved Massachusetts. Did you know that I was known as the liberal lion of the Senate? I thanked God every day that I was not a Detroit Lion.

But now I see that the People’s Republic of Massachusetts, as Ronald Reagan once lovingly called my state, has voted to replace me with a Republican former nude model with a truck. Although being a former nude model with a truck more than qualifies Scott Brown for the Senate (I’ve known Senators with less qualifications), I blame Tom Brady.

In fact, when the New England Patriots lost a couple of weeks ago, I started drinking. Don’t be surprised. There’s really good booze in heaven. And yes, I made it here! I can show you the noogies that Jack and Bobby have been giving me to prove it. Of course they are in heaven, along with Tip O’Neill, Ronald Reagan, and the just-arrived Obama Health Care Bill.

The last time I predicted NFL games for you was in week 1 when I had just began my dirt nap, and I predicted that Vince Young would become the Titans starter by the end of the season. You can ignore my other predictions the same as you can ignore my prediction that universal health care would become a reality in America. Who knew it would be my specific seat, and a new Boston Tea Party, that killed it? I would not have predicted that.

Heck, one year ago, Barack Obama was taking the oath of office and the word “Democrat” stood for change instead of can you spare some change. Things change fast. You want to talk about change… I was alive back then; now I am dead. That’s not exactly the kind of change I endorsed.

And that brings me to the NFL, where Tom Brady is no longer playing but Mark Sanchez is.  As a New England Patriots fan, I hate the New York Jets. And as a student of the conspiratorial intersection of sports and politics, I knew that when Tom Brady started throwing interceptions in a playoff game, voters in Massachusetts would revolt.

Sure, the Democrats ran a candidate with the charisma of the color beige but I still blame Tom Brady. If he had only kept throwing touchdown passes, no one would have noticed that I wasn’t the Democrat running. But when the Patriots season ended and votes sobered up enough to realize that it was Martha friggin’ Coakley running and not me, they voted for Scott Brown.

But beyond the fact that our candidate spent most of the Massachusetts campaign in the Caribbean, I think there was a deeper reason voters chose Brown. I believe that once the Patriots were eliminated, fans thought they were voting for the Cleveland Browns, who I would vote for too. The Cleveland Browns are America’s team; America just doesn’t know it yet. As a secret Browns fan, I must say that the hope still lives and the dream shall never die  –  even though I did.

So this weekend, while Barack Obama tries to figure out if he is the Democrats version of Ronald Reagan or another Jimmy Carter, three great quarterbacks – Brett Favre, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning –  and Mark Sanchez are still playing NFL football, which means that Obama controls the playoffs the way he controls the majority in Congress. And if you don’t think I can connect the dots, you don’t know a conspiracy theory from a grassy knoll. (Jack loves a good grassy knoll joke. Gets him laughing every time.)

So check it out. The most conservative team still left in the playoffs are the New York Jets. They are riding wave of confidence like the Republicans who suddenly think that 41 out of 100 is a majority. The Jets are one of four teams. The conservative team has a chance. But let me tell what my dead friend Harry Truman says to me all the time… “The ground game is fine but sometimes you need to throw a couple big bombs to get their attention.”

And that’s why I think this is whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Ted Kennedy’s NFL Conference Championship Picks” »

Mark McGwire’s 2010 Divisional Playoff NFL Picks

January 13, 2010 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Man at the top says it’s lonely up there
If it is man, I don’t care
From the big white house to the parking lot
Everybody wants to be the man at the top
– Bruce Springsteen

MARK McGWIRE: These 2010 Divisional Playoff NFL picks are clean, unlike the 1998 Super Bowl when Sammy Sosa and I combined to predict the Denver Broncos would upset the heavily favored Green Bay Packers. I did one more shot of andro that year than Sammy, so I was able to also see that Terrell Davis would be named the Super Bowl MVP.

Those were the days… I mean, I am sorry.

If you have been reading the political book, “Game Change” you have seen various rumors about Elizabeth Edwards and Bill Clinton injecting me in the buttocks during the 2008 presidential campaign. Those rumors are false, and so is whatever Jose Canseco has to say. Just because all of them have seen my buttocks is no reason for them to spread lies.

Mostly, I did steroids because I hated Roger Maris and Jimmy the Greek. But I digress.

Do I think my steroid use helped me to become fantastically successful in predicting football games in the past? No, I am a natural.

It is mere coincidence that I was known as the best predictor in the world until NBA referee Tim Donaghy took away my throne. It also coincidence that my best years of predicting were during the time the Cleveland Browns didn’t exist because of a buttface, Art Modell, and most of you were aghast that Bill Clinton exposed his buttocks and more.

Plus don’t forget the better I predicted, the more you loved me. Sammy Sosa and I essentially saved NFL prognosticating after 1994 when the Union Of Pompous Prognosticators went on strike. It was Sammy and I and our historic success – medically induced or not – that saved the American past time of predicting NFL games. That’s what happened. Here’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Mark McGwire’s 2010 Divisional Playoff NFL Picks” »

Body-Scanned 2009 Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks

January 05, 2010 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not “Mr. Lebowski”. You’re Mr. Lebowski. I’m the Dude. So that’s what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.

– Joel Coen and Ethan Coen

I am currently naked in front of Janet Napolitano while I predict these NFL Wildcard Weekend games. If these predictions don’t completely bomb, the system worked.

You must now get naked as you read these predictions, and soon Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano will visit and examine you and then you can feel comfortable betting your life on these NFL Wildcard Weekend picks. Life is sweet for those who are alive this NFL Wildcard Weekend. The rest of us are comforted in a very special way by Janet Napolatano, who, we’ve quickly learned, is more charming than we originally could have imagined. Sigh.

It’s crazy to think that an entire NFL Season has passed in less time than it took for a shoe bomber to morph into an underwear bomber… and it’s horrifying to think what’s next, especially as I am forced to stand here naked in front of Janet Napolatano explaining why I believe the New England Patriots will survive the Wes Welker injury fine in the short term, because they are that kind of team. If she ever discovers I picked the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl, I could be sent to Guantanamo as a political prisoner.

If you don’t hear from me again, it’s because that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Body-Scanned 2009 Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks” »