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Archive for September, 2010

The Last American Job Week 4 NFL Picks

September 30, 2010 By: BT Category: 2010 Season

I ain’t gonna work on Maggie’s farm no more
– Bob Dylan

The last job left in America is on a migrant farm, picking games for Week 4 in the NFL. Picking games is like picking beans. The job was occupied by an illegal alien but she was deported, with the others, back to Lichtenstein. Now it’s my job to provide you with Week 4 NFL picks.

I have no experience, and clearly no expertise, but I am an American citizen so I got the job. It’s a tough  job, but it’s a tougher economy – especially for someone of my limited rexryan singletary skills and unusual experience. I used to be   employed as Mike Singeltary’s verbal control manager until he decided my position was unnecessary. Then I took a job as Rex Ryan’s ego management secretary but he downsized. I found that to be a funny saying – Rex Ryan downsized.

This summer, I thought I had a good gig as Brett Favre’s retirement advisor, but that job aged quickly. I applied to be Wade Phillips’ intelligence officer, but I was told that position doesn’t exist. I had a good gig as Braylon Edward’s bartender but then I was abruptly fired . For one night, I was Dez Bryant’s concierge but he inexplicably let me go too. It’s a conspiracy or something.

My previous occupation was selling Kevin Kolb jerseys. That lasted about 15 minutes.

Now, I’ve got this job. Frankly, I don’t know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “The Last American Job Week 4 NFL Picks” »

Christine O’Donnell’s High School Date’s Week 3 NFL Picks

September 22, 2010 By: BT Category: 2010 Season

Crazy laughter in another room
And she drove herself to madness with a silver spoon

– The Eagles

My date told me she found me to be of questionable character because of my Week 3 NFL picks.

We had just shared  a romantic midnight picnic on the neighborhood satanic altar when I passed her a bloody bat’s neck sandwich and urged her to try it with Tabasco sauce because it was spicy, like her. We then shared tea and cake and called it a party.

As we were summoning Beelzebub, I happened to mention that I think the Cleveland Browns are going to beat the Baltimore Ravens in Week 3 of the 2010 NFL season, and that’s when she accused me of having bad judgment.

Christine O'Donnell browns helmet We caught a newt and gouged out its eyes in order to make eye of newt soup, but she just wouldn’t let it go – the newt, or the subject of my NFL picks. Christine said she would be happy to shrink heads with me or whatever else it is I do, as long as I respect Ray Lewis on defense.

I told her that Ray Lewis is evil.

I can still see vividly in my mind’s evil eye how she shook her big hair at me, sent me on my way and urged me, as brilliantly interpreted by Rachel Maddow, not to congratulate myself. I admit that after spending time with such a temptress, I immediately went home and congratulated myself. Again and again.

Years later, I now reflect with a melancholy in my heart and garlic cloves around my neck on the young woman who didn’t steal my virginity or my sanity, but proved beyond any doubt that you really never know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Christine O’Donnell’s High School Date’s Week 3 NFL Picks” »

International Burn the NFL Rulebook Week 2 NFL Picks

September 15, 2010 By: BT Category: 2010 Season

I want your love
I want your revenge
You and me could write a bad romance

– Lady Gaga

These week 2 NFL picks were supposed to occur on International Burn The NFL Rulebook Day.

I told my my congregation of 50 about it, but then the most eminent citizens of the world begged me not to burn the book or make the picks.

To billions worldwide, I was told, the NFL rulebook is a sacred book, and the outcomes of the games are apparently unknown to everyone but me and one Las Vegas bookie.

terryjones NFL rules calvinjohnson Politicians and clerics first urged me to cancel my planned book burning. Initially, I didn’t care. Still, I turned to a higher power. I drank beer.

This, for a while, made me want to prove that it’s logical to get back at the bits of incomprehensible logic inside of a fine NFL rulebook by burning the book. It made perfect sense to me. I shouted in a logically obstinate way. I had visions. I was thrilled to see myself on TV. Weren’t you?

I drank more beer and soon I was speaking in tongues – forked tongues. The rules are sacred, I declared piously. But not that one rule. For gosh sake, I demanded. For gosh sake!

So yes, I called off the book burning.

You know what happened next, don’t you? Calvin Johnson scored a touchdown to win a game but then he didn’t because of that book. Written by infidels, I tell you. That book is the work of the devil.

It’s frightening when the rule interpreters are so sanctimonious as to believe they know the future better than anyone. Unless it’s me. Because I do. Yes, beer sometimes speaks to me, or for me. I have beer, which means I have charisma!

Gosh, it’s great to give you you this fire and brimstone version of whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “International Burn the NFL Rulebook Week 2 NFL Picks” »

Barack Obama’s Mission Accomplished Week 1NFL Picks

September 01, 2010 By: BT Category: 2010 Season

Here I go, Playin’ star again
There I go
Turn the page

– Bob Seger

Barack Obama: These Week 1 NFL Picks have fulfilled their mission. It’s time to turn the page. Now watch as I pull a rabbit out of my hat.

My interpretation of the games that have not yet been played may be as premature as a Brett Favre retirement, but so was the original mission a decade ago.

The previous administration got America to believe the Cleveland Browns were a real NFL threat because gravel-faced insane people told them the Browns had weapons of mass destruction. It was not true. And then instead of a walk-in-the-park Super Bowl championship, we were given the act of the Patriots.

The previous administration pretended as if the sanctimonious I’ve-got-a-secret-phone-line-to-Lombardi lunatics had direct evidence that a Manning child was somehow charlie's fryes hidden on the Cleveland Browns roster. No one ever found that child. Instead, they found Charlie’s Fryes. It made me bitter, and for a while I clung to guns and religion.

The administration told America that the Browns winning the Super Bowl would be a piece of cake.  The administration claimed to believe the histrionic morons who would let us eat cake, and so never actually explained that the administration itself was a bunch of sociopathic liars.

I talked to former Prognosticator George W. Bush earlier today and I told him that his pre-emptive strike to get Brady Quinn was both moronic and horribly painful to the nation. He knows that we disagreed from the outset about his handling of the Cleveland Browns. We had a heated discussion about Gerard Warren, who Bush nicknamed, for reasons unknown, Tora Bora. We disagreed on many issues, but no one can doubt the former Prognosticator of the United States of America eats dog bones like all patriotic Americans.

Yet by the time he ended his relationship with Phil Savage, who was known by his nickname of Donald Rumsfeld, the damage had been done. So when the former Prognosticator recommended a surge towards Mike Holmgren, I talked to Jim Brown, who gave me the emotional advice he’d heard from my former reverend, Jeremiah Wright.

Thus, I opposed the Holmgren surge. Now, I’d like  to take credit for it.

It is a bit presumptuous of me to take credit for the upcoming success of the Cleveland Browns. I don’t really pay attention to the NFL like my predecessor. Frankly I am distracted, and the NFL is actually quite a nuisance.

Still, I plan to take credit for my predecessor’s belief in the Cleveland Browns. This year, they will be great. For the last decade, my predecessor predicted the Browns would win the Super Bowl. This year, when it happens, it will be because of me, not him. He had nothing to do with it.

Let me now change the subject by pointing out that I’ve got pictures of my family, and I am surrounded by flags. That’s cool, huh? Look, now I am wearing a Browns hat. I am patriotic for sure. I was even born in America. I remember being born and seeing Hawaii. It’s true.

My point is that I know you don’t have a job.

I’m sorry. Don’t think about that. Instead, think about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Barack Obama’s Mission Accomplished Week 1NFL Picks” »