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Archive for November, 2010

Dancing With The Turkeys Week 12 NFL Picks

November 24, 2010 By: BT Category: 2010 Season

Come together right now over me
– The Beatles

These week 12 NFL Picks can’t dance, but they are related to a turkey. For those of you hating on these week 12 NFL picks and the turkey, now is your last chance to shoot your television before these NFL picks flip you the middle finger.

Let the dancing begin. First up are Brad Childress and Brett Favre dancing to the song, “Taps.” Gosh, that was inspirational.

Now, Vince Young and Jeff Fisher will perform a literal version of The Nutcracker. Ouch.

Finally, these week 12 NFL picks and the turkey are going to perform a lovely dance in which one is going to die, get cooked, and then eaten. Sort of like the previous two dances.

That’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Dancing With The Turkeys Week 12 NFL Picks” »

Junk-Touching Secure Week 11 NFL Picks

November 18, 2010 By: BT Category: 2010 Season

Hands, touching hands, reaching out
Touching me, touching you
– Neil Diamond

To ensure that these week 11 NFL picks are safe, you are going to have to let me touch your junk. Hey, don’t blame the junk toucher. I was hired by the government. This was the only job I could find.

body scanOn the other side of my grimy hands are week 11 NFL picks. It’s like getting a ticket out of here, I know. So as part of the new security rules let me ask you this: Do you come here often? What’s your sign? Do you like long walks on the beach?

If you don’t want me to touch your junk, you can walk through the security scanner. The dial today is set somewhere between Three Mile Island and Chernobyl. I am sorry. The Hiroshima setting used the last time you went for NFL picks was an operator mistake.  fourloco

Yes, I know that you can’t wait to find out about Peyton Manning versus Tom Brady, and whether Colt McCoy can continue to look like a legitimate NFL quarterback. If you will just turn your head to the left and cough, we are almost finished.

Now wait one minute while I chug another can of Four Loco. My boss thinks its soda. Burp!  Whew, that’s the only way I can do this job. Now proceed down the line to that man holding Vaseline and wearing latex gloves and you’ll almost be at your week 11 NFL picks. Oh sure, we’ll mail your underwear back to you. That’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Junk-Touching Secure Week 11 NFL Picks” »

Overseas Week 10 NFL Picks

November 13, 2010 By: BT Category: 2010 Season

A moment of steel
A dry-eyed house
Did he say goodbye to you
Or did you kick him out?

– John Hiatt

These Week 10 NFL Picks thought the world liked us, but the Picks just made a mental note of everything the world has said.

Japan APEC China just laughed at us, and South Korea said see ya later. It may appear right now like we are no longer a super power among the world’s most powerful NFL pickers.

But these week 10 NFL Picks are still relevant because we said we are. Plus,  just like Braylon Edwards and Lebron James, these Picks remember everything that anyone ever said or wrote about them. (As a side note, these Week 10 NFL Picks would like to thank Lebron James and Braylon Edwards for actually remembering everything the Picks said. The Picks are flattered by the personal attention.)

braylon Plus when China accused us of overvaluing our currency, they were wrong. The Cleveland Browns are on a winning streak. Currency is rising in value because wins have been pumped into the economy.

The truth is that China used child labor to manufacture the malfunctioning Dallas Cowboys with lead paint and poison fixtures and now the Asian giant from wants to pass the blame for their inflated currency. Get this, China actually has the nerve to call the Dallas Cowboys “America’s Team.” America’s team was made in China, just like everything at Wal-Mart.

So these Picks will be returning to America soon, proud of all the nothing that they accomplished on their overseas trip. Then we’ll find out whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Overseas Week 10 NFL Picks” »

Elected Week 9 NFL Picks

November 03, 2010 By: BT Category: 2010 Season

I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I’d love you to love me

– Cheap Trick

These week 9 NFL picks want to thank you for your vote, and remind you that we are going to fix everything just like we did the last time we ran things.

We just heard from our opponent, the incumbent, and we have accepted his congratulations. We’d like to thank him for a tough campaign, but now it’s time to cut spending and take our column back.

patriot So the first change is if you are sick and need medication to enhance your performance, tough luck. Got that, Shawne Merriman? Next, remember that banks and corporations  are people too. See Randy Moss, the organization actually is more important than your titanic talent. Finally, no matter what happens, at heart we are all patriots and the Patriots seem to always win. So that’s comforting, I guess.

Obama Congress I’d personally like browns to thank my colleagues for electing me as the  Speaker of the Column. It is quite an honor. I know that the media’s first question is, why is my skin orange? It is because I am a Cleveland Browns fan.

Our first cost-cutting measure as the party in charge of this column is to outsource these picks to Halliburton. It was clear that British Petroleum didn’t know what they were doing, and the government takeover, known as ObamaPicks, was also a failure. No one I know felt stimulated. So we’ve gone to Halliburton,  the only bidder. Trust us. We think they know what they’re doing. And they should for what we’re paying them! Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Elected Week 9 NFL Picks” »