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Archive for December, 2010

Executing Tucker Carlson Week 17 NFL Picks

December 31, 2010 By: BT Category: 2010 Season

As heads is tails
Just call me Lucifer
‘Cause I’m in need of some restraint
– The Rolling Stones

These week 17 NFL picks resolve to call for the voluntary execution of Tucker Carlson.

tucker carlson Since the bow-tied alleged nimrod Tucker Carlson made clear that he thinks Michael Vick should have been executed, these week 17 NFL picks think Tucker Carlson should consider getting executed for thinking that, or, in fact, anything. Can I get a witness?

Yes, it is a circle and I understand. But if you want these week 17 NFL picks executed, you’re going to have to get in that line to the right. This column’s favorite all-time athlete is the XFL star who went by the name, β€œHe Hate Me.” he hate me

So bring it charlatan, bow-tied Tucker Carlson. There, I just gave away a line from a future hip-hop gangsta rap hit. That’s gold, baby!

But I must digress from my innocent execution number-one-hit-with-a-bullet fantasies, because I now realize that every year at this time we sadly think about the people who have died instead of wishfully thinking about the people who could have been executed.

Well, except for Tucker Carlson and this column. Every week for years in this column, Ray Lewis has died. It’s gotten to the point where ideas are solicited on how to kill him. This makes this column in tune with Tucker Carlson completely. There is no way to pretend otherwise.

Thus, this is an open invitation to Tucker Carlson to get together and plot who should else should be executed. Unless, that is, he is offended by the dream of him volunteering just to show whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Executing Tucker Carlson Week 17 NFL Picks” »

On-Sale Week 16 NFL Picks

December 23, 2010 By: BT Category: 2010 Season

You call me a fool
You say it’s a crazy scheme
This one’s for real
I already bought the dream
– Steely Dan

These holiday week 16 NFL picks are 50 percent off. But wait, there’s more – you get an organic free-range concussion, and a life-size poster of Mitch McConnellmitch mcconnell if you order now.

We’ll also thrown in a used fake-Ginsu knife, and a cupcake-stained orange snuggie if you call in the next 15 minutes to order these super hot week 16 NFL picks.

snuggie These week 16 NFL picks are the best you can find anywhere in America. This product has consistently picked the New England Patriots to win, and the Carolina Panthers to lose. With results like that, how can you go wrong?

But wait, there’s more. If you order in the next 15 minutes, we’ll give you a toe ring worn by Rex Ryan, and a genuine Bill Belichick hoodie. Who wouldn’t want signature mementos from the two best coaches in the AFC?

But wait, there’s more. In the holiday spirit, we think you’ll love these week 16 NFL picks so much that we are offering a guarantee of satisfaction. So here it is: If you are not completely satisfied, we’ll be surprised. We guarantee it.

That’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “On-Sale Week 16 NFL Picks” »

Dear Santa Potato-Related Week 15 NFL Picks

December 17, 2010 By: BT Category: 2010 Season

You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
I’m telling you why
– J. Fred Coots & Haven Gillespie

Dear Santa,

I believe in you. That’s why I tripped the opposing prognosticator as he was running to the liquor store. But I don’t think I’ve been naughty. I adapted to my environment.

alosi trip Now I am unemployed, so please bring winning week 15 NFL picks because I am giving potatoes as Christmas presents this year. Not Mr. Potatohead.potatohead Potatoes. Well, one potato each – except for the twins, who must share.

Look Santa, I know that you will bring touchdowns to Tom Brady like you bring riches to rich people, but can you please put some winning week 15 NFL picks under my tree. I know I don’t actually have a tree. Pretend my hat is a tree.

As you know, Santa, I am a Cleveland Browns fan so I’d like to thank you for bringing Colt McCoy back because Jake Delhomme was making me think you didn’t exist. But I am more than a Browns fan. I am American, so it would make me very happy if you and the elves could bring rent money. Pretty please, plus groceries on top!

A job would be great too, but I understand you have limitations. It’s not like you’re the Easter Bunny.

Still, it’s almost Christmas! I am so excited that rich people got a tax cut. I don’t know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Dear Santa Potato-Related Week 15 NFL Picks” »

Compromised Week 14 NFL Picks

December 10, 2010 By: BT Category: 2010 Season

You can fence in your yard
You can pull all your cards
But I won’t back down, oh, no
I won’t back down, oh no

– Eminem

These week 14 NFL Picks are a cowardly compromise. Everyone knows that compromise is for wussies.

The President wanted only those gambling less than $250,000 on the New England Patriots to have access to these week 14 NFL picks, but the Republicans demanded that every rich crazy gambler who likes the Carolina Panthers also get access to these week 14 NFL picks – known colloquially as the Bush-era week 14 NFL picks.

sell out Of course, it’s a complicated issue. The Republicans reluctantly agreed to extend failed gambler benefits to middle class Cleveland Browns fans for 13 more months. If the Browns don’t win the Super Bowl in that time, no one knows what’s going to happen to those poor people. But failed gambling banks were given a tarp, which provided a lot of cover for bets on the Buffalo Bills and Cincinnati Bengals.

Washington is so complicated these days. Albert Haynesworth is a $100 million nonfunctioning earmark, and Mike Shanahan has been reduced to a bureaucratic hack.

Do I mix metaphors? Sure. Why do I do it? It’s a compromise.

Without compromise, who knows whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Compromised Week 14 NFL Picks” »

Wikiwhatzgonnahappen Week 13 NFL Picks

December 02, 2010 By: BT Category: 2010 Season

It’s no secret is that a friend is someone who lets you help
It’s no secret that a liar won’t believe anyone else
– U2

Julian Assange has leaked my week 13 NFL picks to the media. He stole them from my brain. All that I can do now is deny that I know how Hillary Clinton got some of Brett Favre’s DNA. It’s all in Wikiwhatzgonnahappen.

assange Hilllary brett Sure, it was no big revelation that every Dallas Cowboys cheerleader in history has some of Bill Clinton’s DNA, but now you also know that Brad Childress doesn’t have DNA. He has CSI.

Ben Roethlisberger is the author of the new TSA procedures.

Is some of this surprising? Sure. But discovering that Donald Rumsfeld has been secretly running the Buffalo Bills for the last three years seems, in retrospect, obvious.

This information, by the way, is secret and classified. Want to know some more? Josh McDaniels has a tape of it all. It turns out that international diplomats get catty. That’s what Derek Anderson found so funny. It’s all in Wikiwhatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Wikiwhatzgonnahappen Week 13 NFL Picks” »