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Week 7 NFL Picks, You Know What You Signed Up For
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Archive for January, 2011

iPicks 2011 Super Bowl XLV Pick

January 27, 2011 By: BT Category: 2010 Season, 2011 NFL playoffs, Super Bowl

Inside the museums, infinity goes up on trial

– Bob Dylan

The ancient Mayans and Nostradamus are Cleveland Browns fans who met on Facebook. They went to Applebee’s to predict Super Bowl XLV. They were tied in their fantasy league.

The ancient Mayans used an iPhone prophecy app , common in their time, to predict the outcome of the Pittsburgh Steelers versus the Green Bay Packers. Nostradamus called over the bartender. He ordered a round of beers, sweet tarot cards, and a genuine replica crystal ball. It was sacred religious moment. Sacred secular too. Money was exchanged.

Nostradamus pulled out his iPad and googled “visions.” The bartender brought him a draft Pabst Blue Ribbon. The bartender mistook Nostradamus for a hipster. A gypsy woman brought the tarot cards and a genuine replica crystal ball purchased on eBay. She sat and joined the boys and watched a commercial on the flatscreen TV. Her name was Gypsy Jones.

The ancient Mayans tipped the bartender: “Exercise is good for you,” they all said in unison.

Green-Bay-Packers-vs-Pittsburgh-Steelers While Nostradamus searched websites for a vision, the ancient Mayans bragged to him of their choice of technology. “The great time-traveling Steve Jobs visited us first,” they said.

“Yeah, he brought you that crappy first-generation iPhone,” said Nostradamus, all snarky like. Suddenly he barked, “I got it! Oh wait. Wrong site. I found the end of the world as we know it.” applebees

The ancient Mayans and Gypsy Jones already knew of the impending demise of the 16-week NFL season. Like all sports fans, they hated knowing about upcoming labor disputes almost as much as they hated ipad politicians that started predictable wars. They complained of headaches.

Nostradamus guzzled his PBR. He stroked his long gray beard and searched some more. Suddenly he stopped and his eyes teared up. The ancient Mayans and Gypsy Jones rushed to his side. “I am a seer of the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl in the year…” But Nostradamus couldn’t finish. He was overcome with emotion. He added, simply, “I have discovered Whatzgonnahappen.” Continue reading “iPicks 2011 Super Bowl XLV Pick” »

Repealed 2011 NFL Conference Championship Picks

January 20, 2011 By: BT Category: 2010 Season, 2011 NFL playoffs

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There’s a land that I’ve heard of
Once in a lullaby
– Harold Arlen & E.Y. Harburg

The obvious solution to America’s problems is to repeal the 2010 NFL season, and start the race to the 2011 NFL Conference Championship games over again.

Favorable ratings for this NFL season are down to four cities. That’s not a majority of Americans. That’s elitist.

What about the Patriots? Must the Patriots go the Super Bowl Store like everybody else? And the Saints? My God, they are Saints!

repeal Conference Championship games without representation are tyranny. My favorite team is not represented. I am calling for second-round draft choice solutions. Would you like some tea? Oh I’m sorry, I threw the tea in the ocean. Have some tap water.

I actually want to repeal the season because I am in favor of the public option to go to the Super Bowl. I am a poor Cleveland Browns fan. It’s clear that my team is not going to make the Super Bowl without public assistance.

If America shows some responsibility and reaches out and helps, someday my favorite team will win the Super Bowl. Repeal the season! I want my NFL back to how it was in the 1950s.

I know that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Repealed 2011 NFL Conference Championship Picks” »

Blowhard Flake’s 2011 NFL Divisional Playoff Picks

January 13, 2011 By: BT Category: 2010 Season, 2011 NFL playoffs

There’s something happenin’ here
What it is ain’t exactly clear
– Buffalo Springfield

I did not just ride in here on a snowflake. I am a snowflake. I am a flake with the best NFL Divisional picks in America.

I am a flake leading the snowflake movement. We have NFL Divisional pick rallies featuring harsh rhetoric and blowhard wind. But don’t blame us when snowmen go bad.

bad snowman Snowflakes, as you know, influence the NFL. Before and during the playoffs we hold conventions, known by the technical types as clouds, and we decide where to fall.

We hate domed stadiums and we especially hate the Minnesota Vikings for signing Brett Favre. We hate the Detroit Lions, Buffalo Bills and Cleveland Browns too. But remember that those teams play on Lake Erie; the Bermuda triangle of the North. And yes, the triangle pays us a royalty so, in fact, we collaborate.

We hate a lot of things. But we love mittens. And mittens rhyme with kittens. So go on, try to argue with that logic. Yeah, that’s right – snow is righteous because of our logic so if you argue you’ll find yourself shoveling out. See? See? It’s all from the prophecies of a really old book, so it must be absolutely true because… well, because that book is so old.

But now it is the playoffs and it’s time for this flake to pick NFL Divisional games. First, we wonder should we fall on any games at all? To us, it’s an existential question until it becomes one of logistics.  Sometimes, it’s hard to rally the flakes.

We’ve had to outsource to China. It’s embarrassing, but only to us flakes. For instance,tuck rule on January 19, 2002 most of the snow falling in New England came from China. That’s right, Bob Kraft brought in Chinese snow for the tuck rule game. We actually created the tuck rule. Shh. Few people outside of the everyone in the media have ever heard this before.

This year, we flakes are thinking of causing a fumble unless we can find a new rule to help the Patriots win. We’re scouring the rule book because we are snow and we like New England. Fist bump! Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Blowhard Flake’s 2011 NFL Divisional Playoff Picks” »

Big Gavel Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks

January 07, 2011 By: BT Category: 2010 Season

I’ll tell you no and you’re gonna ask me why, why why
When I remind you of all this and you’ll cry, cry, cry
– Johnny Cash

I got a big gavel just in time to make Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks. Thanks Nancy. Now scram.

I am crying because I am the new speaker of the people’s NFL picks. Plus I hurt myself with the gavel. Ouch. If I have my way, I won’t see a doctor. That’ll show me!

boehnergavel You see, I have a big gavel. That’s what she said. No, really, that’s what she said.

So as a first order of business, I aim to cut the deficit by swinging this gavel and betting with the Chinese on this weekend’s games. Specifically, I got the Chinese to take the Seattle Seahawks against the New Orleans Saints.

I think they took the bet because of Ichiro. I know that Ichiro is Japanese and plays baseball. But I’m not sure they know. Plus they like Pete Carroll. They think he is cuddly, like a Panda. I am making all this up. I have no idea why the Chinese would bet on the Seahawks.

So listen, Arkansas, you are what I bet the Chinese. In other words, if the Seahawks somehow win, you are Chinese. But look on the bright side. The Chinese wanted me to bet Connecticut. As if!

With my big gavel, this new Congress has already acted decisively. If the New Orleans Saints beat the Seattle Seahawks, the deficit goes down significantly. And if the Seahawks win, it will be easier to visit China. That’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Big Gavel Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks” »