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Archive for June, 2011

Anti-Social Media 2011 NFL Season Picks

June 03, 2011 By: BT Category: 2011 Season

He was taken to task by some critics who asked, Do you write the words or lyrics first?

– The Michael Stanley Band

These 2011 NFL season picks used an algorithm from corporate headquarters. This company loves the word “algorithm.” The VP of Wild Guesses, who is 14 years old and worth more money than most third world countries, cited social media trends to explain exactly how he flipped a coin for every NFL game on the schedule.

It turns out that predicting NFL games for an NFL season that may never happen is even more lucrative than selling worthless but complicated stock for an obscenely high price. We hired a ghostwriter and used an algorithm. Trust us.

2012 NFL picks MaddenThe VP of Wild Guesses is quite good at playing Madden NFL – especially this year. He is also a twit on Twitter, in your face on Facebook, and is so LinkedIn that he has the metaphorical quality of a fence. He’s even old-school, remaining in your space on Myspace.  He likes vampires, his cellphone ringtone, and the Green Bay Packers because they won the only Super Bowl he has ever watched.

This company is proud that it has laid off more people than it ever employed, and it is currently locking out every other employee. We are told that all have found comfort in Ray Lewis’ encouragement that they turn to crime. This company is modern and hip, and therefore anti-union. Our informal slogan is: Go Ahead, Be Evil.

The growth of this company’s stock is exactly like a bubble, while the corporate strategy is the ultimate deficit-cutter’s dream. The company has slashed all expenses including toilet paper, and it has sued all of our former employees and job seekers, asking them to pay us a fair hourly wage of $500 for allowing them to work for us, or for us reading their resume. We have also sued our customers, suppliers, and hot dog vendors. We only pay lawyers. Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith football statistical analysis nfl scouting combine statistics 2010 mock draft stats

While our VP of Wild Guesses has posted his very scientific predictions, it is true that he was forced under threat of a rapture to work within our corporate algorithm, which states that the Cleveland Browns shall win every game. Okay, it’s not really an algorithm. It’s more like a commandment within the algorithm – and this is the only time all season that it will be revealed. We reveal this secret part of the algorithm only to ye, the faithful.

Since this year is 2011, we have called this the 11th commandment – thou shalt predict the Cleveland Browns will win every game. Amen. Halleluiah. Please put some money in the collection plate to pay our VP of Wild Guesses. We use science and religion here, plus a healthy dose of snake oil, and then we push it all through an algorithm so we can tell you, if anything happens, whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Anti-Social Media 2011 NFL Season Picks” »