Well I got a job and tried to put my money away
But I got debts no honest man can pay.
– Bruce Springsteen
These 2011 NFL season predictions, version 2.0, are coming to you from the edge of a downgraded nation. You can call me standard and poor. I recommend and I rate – yes very irate.
In the face of seemingly insurmountable odds, my ratings service recommends that America not give up. Instead, it should gamble on the NFL. As Standard & Poor (yes, it is now my formal name), I recommend that the United States of America gamble it’s future on a bet that the Cleveland Browns will beat the Green Bay Packers in Super Bowl XLVI.
Betting on the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl is the best possible economic policy for America.
Drastic times call for drastic measures. If the country’s credit rating is downgraded again, Americans will be required to like soccer. That’s really what a downgrade means.
The likes of Thomas Friedman and Grover Norquist will both complain about betting the future on the Cleveland Browns. The Packers, sure. But the Browns?
Friedman wants stimulus, so he will argue for betting the country’s future on the great-on-paper Philadelphia Eagles. Norquist wants spending cuts, so he will say the Cincinnati Bengals decision to draw a line in the sand with quarterback Carson Palmer proves the Bengals are serious about winning the Super Bowl.
Friedman and Norquist will claim that betting the country’s future on the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl would be apocalyptic.
I am Standard & Poor, and I know better.
Barry Obama, after studying the matter for weeks, will suggest that betting on the Browns to win the Super Bowl is terrible economic policy. Michele Bachman will pray that she doesn’t have to agree with Obama, but she also will say that the country cannot think about betting on the Browns in the Super Bowl.
All the experts and politicians are wrong. Betting on the Browns, if they win the Super Bowl, is sound economic policy. Isn’t that obvious to anyone?
But not all countries understand economics as much as I, Standard & Poor. Last year, for instance, Greece bet on the Carolina Panthers. Italy picked the Buffalo Bills. Do you see how important this is?
Never mind that I, Standard & Poor, picked the Cleveland Browns last year. Just remember, China picked the Packers.
Sure, last year America bet as it always does, with a compromise on the New England Patriots. And once again, America finished near the top. That was before the downgrade, which, by the way, sorry about that. How can I explain it one word? How about: “tequila.”
I am Standard & Poor offering change you really can believe in. After all, gambling and economics are all about blind faith. So believe. There are no more stimulus, entitlements, or defense left for America. There is faith.
In fact, there is no more HGH in the NFL. Therefore, if you are also standard and poor and you want to read these picks, first pee into a cup and mail it to your Congressman with a note explaining that since they took office, performance has obviously not been enhanced, and you would like to know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Standard & Poor HGH-Tested 2011 NFL Season Picks, August Edition” »