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Archive for October, 2011

Tebowing Week 8 NFL Picks and Halloween GOP Debate

October 30, 2011 By: BT Category: 2011 Season

Jesus Christ, Superstar
Do you think you’re who they say you are?
– Tim Rice

Rick Perry, dressed in a Tim Tebow jersey for the Halloween GOP debate, proclaimed his  week 8 NFL picks to be his economic plan. “Trick or treat,” he said. A choir brandishing handguns and wearing New York Jets helmets sang holy halleluiahs behind him. Perry said he would choose Rex Ryan as his running mate.

Michele Bachman only wanted to talk about Tim Tebow. She declared that Tebow was her personal savior in her fantasy football league. Bachman said her belief in Tebow would always guide her NFL picks once she moved into the White House and painted it to look like Tebow’s #15 jersey.

GOP Tebow DebateHerman Cain, wearing a customized 9-9-9 Tebow Jersey, declared that week 8 in the NFL is like apples compared to week 9, which is like oranges. Then he said that Tim Tebow is like pizza.

Every Republican at the debate, with the exception of Ron Paul, tebowing for the GOPwore a Tim Tebow jersey and each declared that Barack Obama was not a true Tebow fan. Rick Santorum yelled, “I am wearing a Tim Tebow jersey!”

Mitt Romney wore a Tebow jersey, but underneath it he wore an Kyle Orton jersey just in case he needed to change his mind again. Newt Gingrich asked people to buy his new book about Tim Tebow. Jon Huntsman said something but no one paid attention to anything except that he, also, wore a Tebow jersey.

Ron Paul smirked and said that, “It’s time for you people to face reality. Tim Tebow is not a viable NFL quarterback.”

That’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Tebowing Week 8 NFL Picks and Halloween GOP Debate” »

Khadafy’s Week 7 NFL Picks and Last Will

October 22, 2011 By: BT Category: 2011 Season

Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right
– Stealers Wheel

Let it be known that this document is the last will and week 7 NFL Picks of Moammar Khadafy.  I, Colonel Khadafy, being of sound mind and body, will now predict the NFL Week 7 games. I don’t know how I got dragged into this, but I am going to take a shot.

Even though I am hiding in a sewer, I know that the Oakland Raiders traded way too much to get Carson Palmer from the Cincinnati Bengals. What was Al Davis thinking? Next time I see him, I am going to ask him.

Khadafy Steelers fanTerribleTowelThis is a legal document. I declare the following to be true. Except for my mass murdering, I have never been as rude as Jim Harbaugh when he shakes hands. I do not have a sound mind or a sound body. I hear a sound. I may be going out with a bang, not a handshake. Under the circumstances, I am coming clean. I am in on the conspiracy. Since I became a dictator, the Cleveland Browns have never won the NFL championship.

Like all evil dictators, I am a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. I am hiding in a sewer. My only possessions in this sewer are  my Terrible Towel and a recent photograph of Bob Dylan. I am not worried. I am sure I can get out of here, and then I will go work for Mitt Romney. I heard he hires illegal immigrants. I’d be a very illegal immigrant, so that should make me very qualified.

But if I don’t escape, I bequeath my earthly possessions, including my pet lions and tigers and monkeys, to some guy in Ohio.

Don’t shoot. I’m about to declare whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Khadafy’s Week 7 NFL Picks and Last Will” »

Occupy Poor Street Week 6 NFL Picks

October 12, 2011 By: BT Category: 2011 Season

I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?

– Beck

I would like to talk to The Man. You know, The Man. Yeah, that’s the guy.

Hey you, is this the place I was supposed to go with my Week 6 NFL picks to Occupy Wall Street? No. You say this is Poor Street, and you’re offering easier occupancy? Well, okay. I always listen to The Man.

If you’ve been reading these political NFL predictions since this column began at the legendary NFLtalk.com, you know that I have lived for more than a decade in a cardboard refrigerator box. Well, recently a banker repossessed the box because he needed somewhere to keep his extra money.

“I’ve got too much money,” said the banker as he walked away with my home. Then he laughed his high-pitched  friendly banker’s laugh.

occupy poor streetAnd that’s why these week 6 NFL picks are my first weekly picks that I am offering this year. For the record, I was correct for every pick in the first five weeks. (It’s true, don’t believe the standings you see elsewhere. The Cleveland Browns are currently 4-0.)

After I found  50 cents on the ground I went to my new bookie, a hobo who calls himself Half-Dollar Funk Nelson, and I bet. I won enough money to bid on a used dryer box sold by a laughing banker at a foreclosure auction. Sure, I’ve downsized. But the bright side of living in a cardboard dryer box is that these week 6 NFL picks are dedicated to the new hip thing – class warfare.

As a New England resident who gets to see Tom Brady play every week, it’s clear that the NFL’s policy of having the best teams draft last is class warfare – an unfair tax on the rich. I am sure that is also clear to fans of the winless Indianapolis Colts, St. Louis Rams and Miami Dolphins.

The New England Patriots and Green Bay Packers need more superstars in order to make the whole NFL stronger. The winning will somehow trickle down, and I am sure that is obvious to my millionaire readers. You are all millionaires, right? If not, you surely play the lottery so you know how good those odds are. When you are a millionaire, as you know you will be, you will want to keep your money and not give it to the 99 percent of people whom you will be qualified to think of as losers.

I bring all of this up because I am now announcing that I am running for the Republican nomination for Prognosticator of the United States of America. The current office-holder, Barack Obama, believes in a redistribution of wealth, such as the NFL draft. Not me. I am a loser and it’s all my fault for being stupid. Now I feel smart because I know that I am stupid.

Yes, I am a Cleveland Browns fan so I a pray a lot. I don’t even believe in evolution. I believe in three yards and a cloud of dust and that the Cleveland Browns, who were the best team in the 1950s, should always be the best team. This country needs 1950s football values. I am the only football values candidate in the race. When I win, just imagine whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Occupy Poor Street Week 6 NFL Picks” »