I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me?
I would like to talk to The Man. You know, The Man. Yeah, that’s the guy.
Hey you, is this the place I was supposed to go with my Week 6 NFL picks to Occupy Wall Street? No. You say this is Poor Street, and you’re offering easier occupancy? Well, okay. I always listen to The Man.
If you’ve been reading these political NFL predictions since this column began at the legendary NFLtalk.com, you know that I have lived for more than a decade in a cardboard refrigerator box. Well, recently a banker repossessed the box because he needed somewhere to keep his extra money.
“I’ve got too much money,” said the banker as he walked away with my home. Then he laughed his high-pitched friendly banker’s laugh.
And that’s why these week 6 NFL picks are my first weekly picks that I am offering this year. For the record, I was correct for every pick in the first five weeks. (It’s true, don’t believe the standings you see elsewhere. The Cleveland Browns are currently 4-0.)
After I found 50 cents on the ground I went to my new bookie, a hobo who calls himself Half-Dollar Funk Nelson, and I bet. I won enough money to bid on a used dryer box sold by a laughing banker at a foreclosure auction. Sure, I’ve downsized. But the bright side of living in a cardboard dryer box is that these week 6 NFL picks are dedicated to the new hip thing – class warfare.
As a New England resident who gets to see Tom Brady play every week, it’s clear that the NFL’s policy of having the best teams draft last is class warfare – an unfair tax on the rich. I am sure that is also clear to fans of the winless Indianapolis Colts, St. Louis Rams and Miami Dolphins.
The New England Patriots and Green Bay Packers need more superstars in order to make the whole NFL stronger. The winning will somehow trickle down, and I am sure that is obvious to my millionaire readers. You are all millionaires, right? If not, you surely play the lottery so you know how good those odds are. When you are a millionaire, as you know you will be, you will want to keep your money and not give it to the 99 percent of people whom you will be qualified to think of as losers.
I bring all of this up because I am now announcing that I am running for the Republican nomination for Prognosticator of the United States of America. The current office-holder, Barack Obama, believes in a redistribution of wealth, such as the NFL draft. Not me. I am a loser and it’s all my fault for being stupid. Now I feel smart because I know that I am stupid.
Yes, I am a Cleveland Browns fan so I a pray a lot. I don’t even believe in evolution. I believe in three yards and a cloud of dust and that the Cleveland Browns, who were the best team in the 1950s, should always be the best team. This country needs 1950s football values. I am the only football values candidate in the race. When I win, just imagine whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Occupy Poor Street Week 6 NFL Picks” »