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Archive for November, 2011

An Innocent Turkey’s Week 12 NFL Picks

November 23, 2011 By: BT Category: 2011 Season

Although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
– Billy Joel

Legal Brief: The turkey is innocent of all charges, but pleads guilty and offers these Week 12 NFL picks in lieu of the traditional fine of one delicious meal.

The turkey is appealing for an emergency injunction on the grounds that the turkey has inside information about the Packers-Lions game. Ndamukong Suh is hungry.

Also, attorneys for the turkey argue that the turkey did not do the crime. In fact, the crime has been perpetrated by an elephant and a donkey mixed with alcohol, but somehow the turkey got blamed. The turkey believes it is unreasonable to do the same thing every year. The turkey calls for a United Nations investigation into systematic genocide of his ethnic group.

turkey dinnerturkey

The turkey requests that the government refrain from pepper-spraying the turkey while the appeals process is underway, and in return the turkey will provide information about Dolphins quarterback Matt Moore. Matt Moore is almost good enough to be called mediocre. For this information, the turkey specifically requests it not be plucked or basted.

The turkey admits the following facts:

1) the turkey is a Cleveland Browns fan
2) the turkey can bark like a dog
3) the turkey camped out in a public park with a Browns flag and a sign that said, “Occupy Last Place.”

The turkey disputes one key fact and asks the court not to allow hearsay about his deceased brother admitted into the court. The key fact the turkey disputes is:

1) turkey tastes good

The turkey believes its protest against the government does not serve as grounds for the government to impose a draconian punishment to the turkey. The turkey demands the right to free speech, the same as any American. The turkey requests that the Cleveland Browns win two games in a row, but the turkey admits that might be an unfair request.

The turkey is begging for leniency, pleading insanity, and offering to testify against the elephant and donkey. In conclusion, the turkey offers these Week 12 NFL picks.

Note: The turkey’s last words were: “Whatzgonnahappen.” Continue reading “An Innocent Turkey’s Week 12 NFL Picks” »

The Quit-Losing Super Committee’s Week 11 NFL Picks

November 19, 2011 By: BT Category: 2011 Season

I said now, watch what you say, now we’re calling you a radical, liberal, fanatical, criminal
Won’t you sign up your name, we’d like to feel your acceptable, respectable, presentable, a vegetable
– Supertramp

Press Release – After much bickering, the bipartisan Congressional Cleveland Browns Quit-Losing Super Committee offered these Week 11 NFL Picks to save the the 2011 Cleveland Browns, and the nation.

In the course of deliberations, the Cleveland Browns Quit-Losing Super Committee split evenly between the six who vehemently urged the team to start winning, and the six who screamed at the team to quit losing. The printer of stationary heard the six who screamed, thus the formal committee name.

Peripherally, the committee is deeply split on Tim Tebow’s 1933 offense, whether the Packers can have a perfect season, and which Ryan brother would win a pie-eating contest. The committee has split every vote except one.

The Quit-Losing Super Committee unanimously agreed that a winning Cleveland Browns franchise is in the best interest of the nation. The Super Committee formally declared that as goes the Cleveland Browns, so goes the nation.

The Super Committee would like it noted that, as an example of a super committee, this one is super. The committee possesses super important people – 12 Cleveland Browns fans, including a superintendent and a supervisor. The committee understands how important it is to America that the Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl.

In essence, the Cleveland Browns are too big to fail.

Therefore, the bi-partisan Congressional Cleveland Browns Quit-Losing Super Committee plans to explore whether the committee’s name implies that it has super powers. Whereas, if the Super Committee has super powers, the Super Committee shall use those powers to create a winning 2011 Cleveland Browns winning team in order to save America. This is the formal plan submitted by the Super Committee.

The Super Committee expects that it saved the nation with these Week 11 NFL picks and its aggressive use of superpowers. The committee welcomed the nation’s gratitude and offered this: “Seriously, that’s whatzgonnahappen.” Continue reading “The Quit-Losing Super Committee’s Week 11 NFL Picks” »

The US Department of Um Week 10 NFL Picks

November 12, 2011 By: BT Category: 2011 Season

I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now, entertain us
– Nirvana

The United States Department of Um, created by Texas Governor Rick Perry, would like to celebrate our 3-day anniversary by offering these Week 10 NFL picks and, um.

This Department doesn’t care if Donovan McNabb fails any more than if Philip Rivers fails. The one NFL player this Department wants to fail is…. Well actually, this department has no records of which player it wants to fail. Sorry, oops.

The Department, by direction of the Founding Fathers, according to our records, pledges full faith that the Cleveland Browns are about to win the Super Bowl because… Actually, maybe the Department believes the Browns are never going to win the Super Bowl. Much of the Department’s mandate is unknown.

The Department of Um has only had time to evaluate half of the games it is picking. Rest assured that those games were studied thoroughly and the predictions of those games are based on sound data. Those are the games to really bet on. Unfortunately, Department computers that stored which games have been studied have been irreparably damaged.

There is this announcement. The Federal Department of Um is pleased to honor Albert Haynesworth as the best prepared NFL player of first half of the 2011 NFL season.

Finally, the one thing that the the United States Department of Um wants to know is, um, whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “The US Department of Um Week 10 NFL Picks” »

Andy Rooney’s Posthumous Week 9 NFL Picks

November 06, 2011 By: BT Category: 2011 Season

Many times we shared our thoughts
But did you ever notice the kind of thoughts I got?
– Johnny Cash

Did you ever notice that my week 9 picks seem heaven-sent? I spent my life as a New York Giants fan but then I went to heaven and discovered this place is littered with Cleveland Browns fan. It turns that the meek really do inherit the Earth.

andy-rooney picks the NFLBrowns fans are a very meek group, sort of like Greek politicians. But I am not here to talk about how the crisis in Greece threatens the health of the world economy any more than I am here to talk about how the Browns crisis at quarterback threatens the mental health of those I call, “the living meek.”

You know what drives me crazy? Peyton Hillis, the first genuine hero character that Browns have had since Bernie Kosar, turns out to be acting weirder than Rick Perry after a couple whiskeys. And then it turns out that 15 percent of all Americans are living in poverty, but for those who are Dolphins fans, it is worse.

And while the top 1 percent of all Americans are millionaire Packers fans, millionaire Colts fans don’t have it nearly as bad as you might think. Peyton Manning, their trust fund, has been taken away from them for a year. If they get Andrew Luck, their downfall will last significantly shorter than a Kardashian wedding. From heaven, this is Andy Rooney and that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Andy Rooney’s Posthumous Week 9 NFL Picks” »