Although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
– Billy Joel
Legal Brief: The turkey is innocent of all charges, but pleads guilty and offers these Week 12 NFL picks in lieu of the traditional fine of one delicious meal.
The turkey is appealing for an emergency injunction on the grounds that the turkey has inside information about the Packers-Lions game. Ndamukong Suh is hungry.
Also, attorneys for the turkey argue that the turkey did not do the crime. In fact, the crime has been perpetrated by an elephant and a donkey mixed with alcohol, but somehow the turkey got blamed. The turkey believes it is unreasonable to do the same thing every year. The turkey calls for a United Nations investigation into systematic genocide of his ethnic group.
The turkey requests that the government refrain from pepper-spraying the turkey while the appeals process is underway, and in return the turkey will provide information about Dolphins quarterback Matt Moore. Matt Moore is almost good enough to be called mediocre. For this information, the turkey specifically requests it not be plucked or basted.
The turkey admits the following facts:
1) the turkey is a Cleveland Browns fan
2) the turkey can bark like a dog
3) the turkey camped out in a public park with a Browns flag and a sign that said, “Occupy Last Place.”
The turkey disputes one key fact and asks the court not to allow hearsay about his deceased brother admitted into the court. The key fact the turkey disputes is:
1) turkey tastes good
The turkey believes its protest against the government does not serve as grounds for the government to impose a draconian punishment to the turkey. The turkey demands the right to free speech, the same as any American. The turkey requests that the Cleveland Browns win two games in a row, but the turkey admits that might be an unfair request.
The turkey is begging for leniency, pleading insanity, and offering to testify against the elephant and donkey. In conclusion, the turkey offers these Week 12 NFL picks.
Note: The turkey’s last words were: “Whatzgonnahappen.” Continue reading “An Innocent Turkey’s Week 12 NFL Picks” »