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Archive for December, 2011

Mayan Week 17 NFL Picks

December 30, 2011 By: BT Category: 2011 Season

It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine
– R.E.M.

The Mayans’ week 17 NFL picks, at the cusp of the year 2012, signal the end of the world. Or maybe the end of the NFL season. As if there is a difference.

As a Browns fan, the end of the season usually happens at the beginning of the season. It would be tough for me to know if the world ended or not, since my head has been buried under the sand for weeks. I always thought the world officially ends on the day you die, but decades of cheering for the Cleveland Browns has led me to believe that perhaps hell is right here on Earth. The Mayans make me angry.

Mayans end of the world and the BrownsIt has all gone just as the Mayans predicted.

Newly uncovered evidence suggests that the Mayans have, in fact, predicted every NFL game in history correctly. These are the last of the Mayan NFL predictions on account of that end-of-the-world thing, Predicting next season would be useless, wrote the Mayans.

The Mayans were Cleveland Browns fans, of course, which means they hated and still hate the Pittsburgh Steelers. But they couldn’t help the future they saw – including scary things like how Iowa will make us all think it’s a Rick Santorum world, and we just live in it.

While Tebow versus Orton took up a significant amount of stone-carved text, in the end the Mayans were split on Tebow. Otherwise, the Mayans clearly predicted this is whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Mayan Week 17 NFL Picks” »

Yes Virginia, There Are Week 16 NFL Picks

December 24, 2011 By: BT Category: 2011 Season

They got a name for the winners in the world
I want a name when I lose
They call Alabama the Crimson Tide
Call me Deacon Blues
– Steely Dan

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as these week 16 NFL picks are accurate.

How dreary the world would be if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if the NFL playoffs started without including the Cleveland Browns. There would be no childlike faith, no poetry, no romance… what do you mean, the Browns aren’t going to the playoffs?

That’s dreary!

Look Virginia, reports are that when Santa Claus left the North Pole he was wearing a Colt McCoy jersey under his red suit. A few years ago, he wore a Derek Anderson jersey, and  before that a Charlie Frye jersey under the suit. It’s true. Santa is a Browns fan.

It’s an under-reported fact that Santa Claus grew up in the snow belt of Cleveland. For those of you unfamiliar with Cleveland’s snow belt, think of it as being to snow as the Bible belt is to the Bible.  Full of it. Yes, Santa Claus comes from that much snow. This explains the cookies.

So you see, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus because why else would a fat old man fly around the world year after year giving gifts to every person in the world, or at least some of them, if it were not because the man was Browns fan trying to do anything to change his team’s luck.

Is Santa Claus real? Virginia, this is not 1997 or 1998 when the Cleveland Browns didn’t actually exist. Of course Santa Claus is real.

Santa’s favorite NFL team is not real good, so Santa sometimes gets confused. If you get a drill instead of a doll, it’s because Santa is sad about the Browns and not thinking straight. This doesn’t make Santa a bad person. Do you you understand, Virginia? Nothing is more real than Santa’s excruciating sadness about the state of his favorite football team so you should feel damn lucky you’re not getting coal.

Santa is as real as this is actually whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Yes Virginia, There Are Week 16 NFL Picks” »

The Protester’s Week 15 NFL Picks

December 18, 2011 By: BT Category: 2011 Season

What a field day for the heat
A thousand people in the street
Singing songs and carrying signs
Mostly say, hooray for our side
– Buffalo Springfield

These Week 15 NFL Picks are a protest. What am I protesting against? I am protesting against God for finally declaring which NFL team he roots for. I mean, the Broncos?

What am I protesting against? What have you got? TIME magazine named “The Protester” as Person of the Year so, as the ultimate bandwagon jumper, I am protesting. Technically, this column is now proof that I am TIME’s Person of the Year. You’re welcome.

protester timeOkay, how about I am protesting against the Green Bay Packers, who every Sunday run around acting like they are perfect. I am protesting against Sam Hurd for his pathetic Scarface impression, and I am protesting against James Harrison for his helmet-to-helmet Cleveland Browns concussions, plural.

Me and my kind have taken down Hosni Mubarak, Moammar Khadafy, and Tony Sparano. We  have taken on the world’s biggest banks, Vladimir Putin and Mike Holmgren. We are causing regime change in some places, while others are changing policies as a result of protests.

Across the world, The Protester is the 99 percent, rooting for an NFL team born again in 1999.  The Cleveland Browns are a born again football team, literally, and The Protester would like the faith of the people rewarded accordingly. The Protester worldwide is a Cleveland Browns fan asking when will the team win enough games so fans can simply hold their heads up with dignity. This is a basic human right.

As the year 2011 comes to a close, The Protester has one final, radical goal: Fix the Cleveland Browns. Yes, regime change in Egypt was easy by comparison. But The Protester does not give up. Power to the people! Oh yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen Continue reading “The Protester’s Week 15 NFL Picks” »

Albert Pujols $254 Million Week 14 NFL Picks

December 11, 2011 By: BT Category: 2011 Season

I am he as you are he and you are me
And we are all together
– The Beatle

If I was Mitt Romney, I would bet $10,000 on these week 14 NFL picks. But why would I want to be Mitt Romney? However, if I was Albert Pujols, I would bet $254 million on these week 14 NFL picks.

Actually, if I was Albert Pujols, I would have already bet $254 million that the Cleveland Browns would beat the Pittsburgh Steelers this week. I hate the Steelers, and if I was Albert Pujols I would insist, as part of being Albert Pujols, that I still get to hate the Steelers.Romney $10,000 on the Browns

The game was Thursday night, and the official scoreboard read Steelers 14, Browns 3, I don’t  remember the second half because I took a helmet-to-helmet hit while watching the game. I Pujols bets on Brownssent myself right back in to watch, but no matter what I did I could not get the team to play better.

That’s when I thought that if I was Albert Pujols I would have bet $254 million on the game. It’s a good thing I am not Albert Pujols. Also, if I was Albert Pujols, I probably still could not hit a baseball.

This is not about me being Albert Pujols. This is what Albert Pujols $254 million week 14 NFL picks would look like, if he hadn’t already bet it all on the Browns/Steelers game. But if I was Albert Pujols, I wouldn’t have $254 million. I would have signed with the Cleveland Indians.

But since Albert Pujols signed with the Los Angeles Angels, he has $254 million that he most likely will bet on these games. Sure, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Albert Pujols $254 Million Week 14 NFL Picks” »

The Ndamukong Suh Suggesturizer Week 13 NFL Picks

December 04, 2011 By: BT Category: 2011 Season

Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap
Dirty deeds and they’re done dirt cheap
– AC/DC

Do you ever want to stomp on someone and say, these are my Week 13 NFL Picks?

Well, you’re in luck. For two weeks only, the Ndamukong Suh Suggesturizer is available to the public. On a very limited basis, you can authorize the grinding of a human head into the ground and the stomping of an arm. Your only legal responsibility is to describe the action as a part of your Week 13 NFL Picks.

So…

Are you a Cleveland Browns fan wondering how fun it would be to win against the soulless Baltimore Ravens, and then the evil Pittsburgh Steelers?

Do you coach the Philadelphia Eagles and want to do something more drastic than say, “We’ve got to do a better job?”

Are you a former Eagles, Redskins and Vikings quarterback who might enjoy not being so nice every time?

Are you Herman Cain, and you wish you could have changed the subject?

The Ndamukong Suh Suggesturizer can benefit almost anyone.

Newt laughs suggesturzingMeet Newt Gingrich, a certified master in using the Suggesturizer. For instance, despite his three marriages and an airport hanger full of baggage, Gingrich benefited most from the Herman Cain story.

The Suggesturizer is available to the entire public, but especially to those involved in the NFL or politics. Please remember this special offer is only available for two weeks. It is 100 percent effective. Jack Del Rio was recently suggesturized.

Please submit your ideas because head grinding and arm stomping will commence shortly, and your wishes can help determine whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “The Ndamukong Suh Suggesturizer Week 13 NFL Picks” »