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Archive for January, 2012

2012 Super Bowl XLVI Pick and Attack Ad

January 26, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 Super Bowl

Inside the museums, infinity goes up on trial
– Bob Dylan

VOICE: This 2012 Super Bowl XLVI pick is an attack ad on my flip-flopping opponent, who once said that Colt McCoy would be the hero of Super Bowl XLVI.

I have met my opponent, and he is me.

Don’t vote for him. He is the on-food-stamps prognosticator, and also a big fat preachy policeman wannabe who says it is immoral to ever say anything nice about the mad scientist Bill Belichick, who coached the Cleveland Browns before he became a mad scientist.newt gingrich loves the browns

(CUE the creepy music… show unflattering photo of my opponent, who looks an awful lot like me with a Browns-lost-again chili hangover.) My opponent last week had no conference championship insight into a Billy Cundiff missed field goal, a Lee Evans dropped touchdown pass, or Kyle Williams messing up two punts, including letting one bounce against his leg. Any common seer could have seen those things happening. My opponent instead pondered what it would be like to actually worry about the taxes he would pay if he earned $42 million.

My opponent invested in lottery tickets that didn’t produce jobs except for Freddy Mac, the guy at the 7-11 who sells lottery tickets to my opponent, who thinks Freddy Mac will self-deport back to Washington and his wife Fannie. It’s a fantasy, like Peyton Hillis.

(ACTIVATE ANIMATION  showing Satan climbing out of the ears of my opponent’s visage) My opponent is too erratic. You never know what he is going to say. He has grandiose ideas about the Cleveland Browns, who have not won an NFL title since 1964, and the Browns perfect 48-year-plan.

(GRAPHIC of Lombardi Trophy in flames) This is the most important election, and Super Bowl prediction of our time. The future of the Lombardi Trophy is at stake and it can not be left to someone like my opponent. He has never run any a  betting business, he is too inconsistent with his stupid consistent views about a wishful Cleveland Browns victory at the Super Bowl in Indianapolis, which stole a team from Baltimore, which stole a team from Cleveland, which is not in the Super Bowl once again. Is this Super Bowl important? Oh gosh, yes.

( GRAPHIC: “This ad was paid for by Citizens Against Everything”) I have not coordinated with the makers of this ad about my horrible evil opponent in any way. Making another hypocritical Super Bowl prediction is something I don’t want to do and I think the destructive, vicious negative nature of asking for football predictions makes it harder to attract decent people to predict NFL games and I am appalled that anyone would begin a Super Bowl prediction column by drawing such a parallel as this way I just decided to say whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “2012 Super Bowl XLVI Pick and Attack Ad” »

A Cruise Ship Captain’s 2012 NFL Conference Championship Picks

January 18, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 NFL playoffs

Picture yourself in a boat on a river
with tangerine trees and marmalade skies
– The Beatles

Abandon picks! Abandon picks! This is your Captain speaking. My NFL conference championship picks will sink you. I am currently in a massage parlor on dry land.

I am talking to you by speakerphone after ditching the boat as soon as I saw the Cleveland Browns season go under water. In other words, I haven’t been on the ship since about October. I told Rob Lowe to let you know. Truthfully, I am surprised it took this long to sink.

USS WhatzgonnahappenJuanWilliams for the BrownsAs you may have heard, the USS Whatzgonnahappen – a GOP charter – was built out of toothpicks and Elmer’s glue. Ron Paul was in charge of the budget, Mitt Romney fired the staff, Newt Gingrich hired 9-year-olds to replace the staff, and Rick Santorum dressed everyone in these nifty sweater vests.

The Green Bay Packers and Tim Tebow were key parts of the navigation system of this ship. You should have jumped off when those two pieces inexplicably shattered last weekend. Please follow along here because I am making up an excuse while I hear the police knocking at the door of this massage parlor on dry land that I am currently enjoying while you are on a sinking ship.

The truth is that this GOP charter ran into a rock I call Juan Williams, and it was exposed as an empty vessel. This is very much like how every Cleveland Browns season runs into a rock called The Schedule. Thank you again for choosing the USS Whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “A Cruise Ship Captain’s 2012 NFL Conference Championship Picks” »

John’s $3.16 Million SuperPAC 2012 NFL Divisional Playoff Picks

January 12, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 NFL playoffs

Don’t you know that you are a shooting star?
And all the world will love you just as long
As long as you are a shooting star
– Bad Company

After Tim Tebow threw that pass, my billionaire friend, John, gave $3.16 million to my SuperPAC called, 2012 NFL Divisional Picks For America’s Future.

Would your billionaire friends do that?

john316 for the BrownsAnyway, it’s off to South Carolina, where it is my turn to finish second in a Republican primary. I am running on an evangelical platform, because I have blind faith that a winning Cleveland Browns team can solve all of America’s problems. I am also running on a pro-capitalism platform, because I believe America’s future depends on how many Chinese jobs American companies can create before the Cleveland Browns win a Super Bowl.

Sure, I am a one-issue candidate. My friends in the Palmetto State can soon expect to be seeing attack ads on all teams in the NFL that are better than the Cleveland Browns, which is pretty much every team. While I like being able to fire people at least as much as Mitt Romney, I wonder where was Bain Capital after the Browns finished 4-12. It’s enough to get me to channel my inner Newt Gingrich. Are you scared yet?

Meanwhile, I recently rented out an entire wing of a hospital to give birth to an idea I call Brown & Orange Ivy. What does it mean? It means these picks have as much chance of being correct as an Iranian nuclear scientist has of driving home. Sure, it’s a long shot, but if any make it home, we’ll find out whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “John’s $3.16 Million SuperPAC 2012 NFL Divisional Playoff Picks” »

Caucused 2012 NFL Wildcard Weekend Picks

January 06, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 NFL playoffs

In that case I’ll go underground
Get some heavy rest
Never have to worry
About what is worst and what is best
– Van Morrison

I just arrived in New Hampshire after voting eight times in Iowa, where I picked up these 2012 NFL Wild Card Weekend predictions from Michele Bachman. So yeah, these are accurate.

Bachman is out of the race and the Cleveland Browns are out of the NFL playoffs. Coincidence? Or are crazy-eyed grandiose schemes always bound to fail?

santorum sweater vest NFL picksYou may have noticed that I am now wearing a sweater vest, just like Rick Santorum. It is because I have decided to be sanctimonious about the 2012 NFL wild card weekend picks. Look, the Browns will not lose this weekend. Anyone who disagrees with me lacks moral character, not to mention a sweater vest.

Rick Perry, God bless him, is still around. And when he compared himself to Tim Tebow, he was actually right on target.

Newt Gingrich, the Rex Ryan of the campaign, remains full of contradictory bluster. But his Mark Sanchez lives inside his brain, throwing interceptions.

I wanted to vote John Huntsman, because I felt bad for him. But I feel bad for the Jacksonville Jaguars too. So what.

Which brings me to my eight votes for Mitt Romney. I had decided either he or Ron Paul would get my eight votes. Although I am a libertarian when it comes to hating the Pittsburgh Steelers, I am with Romney when he changes his mind all the time because I don’t really know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Caucused 2012 NFL Wildcard Weekend Picks” »