He was taken to task by some critics who asked, Do you write the words or lyrics first?
– The Michael Stanley Band
These 2012 NFL season picks are the result of a banging-my-head-against-the-wall concussion I got after the NFL announced it’s Violence Austerity Program.
I imagine someone at ESPN was watching me slam my bumpy, dumb head against the wall and gleefully shouted, “Jacked up!” The head-on-wall hits made me into a Cleveland Browns dynasty-clairvoyant, which helped me get a Nike sneaker deal. But mostly I did it for your adulation.
Therefore I am now ready to predict the upcoming bullfighting season, I mean the NFL. Sure, my mental health is a laughing matter. But the struggle of my football heroes is not. And yet, how did they get to become my football heroes? It’s no small moral dilemma.
It turns out that the official NFL name is the Violence Austerity Program In Denial (VAPID), which is sort of like AA, only it involves a 16-step program that closely resembles an NFL season. There are sincere attempts to cut back entitlement programs such as head-on-head collisions, and heroic quick returns from injuries, but there is also pushback. Street demonstrations are expected on James Harrison’s street.
Yet here I am with pinwheel eyes ready to predict this season in the NFL because I want stimulus, not austerity. Heck, I don’t even know what I am talking about. It’s all Greek to me.
I want to take a community college class in Tebowing so I can justify the simplistic explanation that bounty money was the root of all evil for the New Orleans Saints. I liked the loveable save-the-hurricane-infested-city Saints a whole lot more than the evil take-out-the-head Saints, even though they both have the same funny name – Saints.
Jacked up! Jacked up motherfucker!
Sorry about that. It’s the first time I’ve ever cursed in this column. Ever since I hurt my head by voluntarily banging it against a wall, I can’t control what I say. I again apologize plus I announce that I plan to sue the wall, or the maker of the wall, or maybe you.
I get so confused about right and wrong. I love the NFL. It is my Sunday religion. That’s how I know about the Saints. But I hear a bell ringing in my head and I don’t think it’s a church bell. It’s my own interior bell, and it has been rung.
So for now and now only, I am a clairvoyant with future plausible deniability and a nasty desire to hit you upside the head with another Browns-dynasty version of whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “2012 NFL Season Picks Without Concussions” »