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Archive for September, 2012

Week 4 NFL Picks – Replacement Pick Consensus

September 27, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season, Uncategorized

If loving you is wrong, I don’t want to be right
– Tom Jones

These week 4 NFL picks are wrong, dead wrong. There’s clear evidence. Still, I insist they are right because they come from the fellows at Foot Locker.

In fact, these picks are so wrong that Democrats and Republicans agree they are bad. Democrats and Republicans never agree about anything. But on this, they agree. Why? Because NFL football is the most important issue in America.

Foot Locker refereereplacement referees touchdown

As the NFL began resembling the WWE, politicians of both parties – who believe diverse things about unions  – agreed that it was time to bring back the “real” referees. This was actually the only item in the past decade or so in which politicians in both parties have agreed.  There is nothing more important to the survival of our country than the integrity of a call in an NFL end zone.

War? Taxes? The Deficit? Jobs? The environment? The economy? Are you kidding me! Did you see that Packers game!

That’s why these picks are always so deliberately horrible (although I did pick the Seahawks to beat the Packers… draw your own conclusions) It’s the only way to get everyone to work together. Prove me wrong. Go on, I dare you to find a non-NFL issue that Democrats and Republicans agree on. We are one nation under the NFL. Ask a Democrat. Or ask a Republican. They’ll tell you whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 4 NFL Picks – Replacement Pick Consensus” »

Week 3 NFL Picks Filmed To Insult Half of America, And The Prophet

September 19, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

Well, I don’t want no Short People
Don’t want no Short People
Don’t want no Short People
‘Round Here
– Randy Newman

These week 3 NFL picks, secretly filmed and translated into Stupid, are meant to insult half of the teams in the NFL. Losers, but not the Browns, are victims.

But wait! These week 3 NFL picks are also a film insulting the prophet who last week got 10 picks wrong. The Browns didn’t win. Time to riot!don't insult the browns prophet

I film provocative stuff. My opinion that the Cleveland Browns are the best team in the NFL is so far outside of the mainstream that it is extremely offensive to 1.5 billion people worldwide, plus half the United States. I am trying to offend as many people as possible as fast as possible, because that is called marketing genius. How am I doing?

trent richardson super bowlIt was either film demented stuff or referee the Browns game next week. I saw an ad on Craigslist for NFL referees, no experience necessary. I am qualified, and I want to help the Browns win. But the Browns don’t need a referee on their side. They need to film a prophet who says they can ride Trent Richardson to the Super Bowl.

Last week’s prophet was a moron, so there! I hope someone is offended. I sure am. I call myself the prophet, and I am calling the prophet a moron. How is that for blasphemy squared?romney thinks about a browns movie

I just want to get my message out that last week the prophet was horrible. For instance, it was stupid to pick the Browns to beat the Bengals. The Bengals were destined to win because the replacement referees stink, right? That’s how my logic works… without logic. I feel like such a victim. I am entitled to a winning team, dammit!

Anyway, if you are one of the 1.5 billion people plus half the U.S.  who I tried to insult, I assume you are a Pittsburgh Steelers fan, because why else would I hate you so much? I can’t think of any other reason why I would hate anyone. That’s a lot of y’uns. So yeah, I insult your prophet. Entitled idiots! .

I’m the prophet? Shoot first, aim later. That’s how I roll. And that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 3 NFL Picks Filmed To Insult Half of America, And The Prophet” »

Week 2 NFL Picks By Welfare-State Democrats

September 12, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality
– Queen

These week 2 NFL picks come from the Democratic party, and are therefore welfare-state liberal in suggesting that the Cleveland Browns deserve to win.

Dead Ted Kennedy, Browns fanDead Ted Kennedy: In order to reliably create week 2 NFL picks, the nation must take week 1 into account before crossing that bridge. Getting the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl has been the cause of my lifetime.

The work goes on, the cause endures, the hope still lives, and the dream shall never die. Although if you are not careful crossing the bridge someone just might die, and then she wouldn’t get to see the Browns in the Super Bowl. Of course, I am now dead but I still come back sometimes to help with this column, because I get paid with booze.

Democratic ConventionBill Clinton: Now, these week 2 NFL picks are a renomination of my week 1 NFL picks, except for the ones I got wrong. Don’t think about those. Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow.

Look, my quote-unquote good friend, Barry Obama, is already the current Prognosticator of the United States of America. So what the heck, I nominate him again. After all, he gave Hillary a job, which means she’s always on the road, if you know what I mean.

But heck, I watched the knuckleheads in Tampa. Did you? It was funny to me because their argument is basically that the Cleveland Browns have stunk since 1999 and they stink now, so we should put Randy Lerner in charge again. But I suggest that it’s time for Jimmy Haslam III to start and then finish the job, and keep Hillary on the road.

Joe Biden Browns fanJoe Biden: Art Modell is dead and the Cleveland Browns are alive. Put that on a bumper sticker, why don’t you? What do you mean, the Cleveland Browns are not alive? Brandon Weeden’s quarterback rating of 5.1 last week was really good, right? Just like 8 percent unemployment, no? Yes, my foot tastes good, why do you ask?

Barack Obama Browns fanBarack Obama: We’re going forward past hope and change into an imaginary world where the Cleveland Browns are the best team in the NFL. My opponent says he will cut the losses while adding wins, but he offers no specific plan. On the other hand, my plan is working. Just look at the results. Well, not this week, but you know, future results. Then you’ll see whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 2 NFL Picks By Welfare-State Democrats” »

Week 1 NFL Picks By Clint Eastwood And A Chair

September 02, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

Said there ain’t no use in crying
Cause it will only, only drive you mad
Does it hurt to hear them lying?
Was this the only world you had?
– Led Zeppelin

These week 1 NFL Picks will now be ad-libbed by Clint Eastwood and a chair as if they were written by the Founding Fathers.

Clint Eastwood:     One of the founding fathers, Ben Franklin, George Washington or Ronald Reagan, wrote this. I mean, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, Look, he has a chair. clint eastwood talks to roger goodell-1 But this isn’t just a chair. Roger Goodell is sitting in it with a replacement referee sitting on his lap. I remember when Mr. Goodell was made NFL Commissioner and there was all sorts of hope and change. I thought this is great. Oprah is crying. I was even crying. He was a real sheriff.

But then I found out (talking to the chair) you hate the Cleveland Browns, and that’s why they stink. So Mr. Commissioner, how do you explain a decade of Cleveland Browns sucking, other than that you hate them? What other reason could there be that they stink? What have you got against the Cleveland Browns, Mr. Goodell? I don’t care that you haven’t even been in office for a decade. That’s not how MY facts work. And why is a replacement referee sitting on your lap?

Oh you said you’d be fair to the Saints, but where’s the evidence Mr. Goodell? You have evidence on the Saints, but you won’t show the evidence – or something like that. I don’t know. I heard something that might be true. I know there is a version of the truth out there that I like, and it makes me mad that Commissioner Goodell is too blind to see what I want to see. Scott Fujita, suspended for three games, plays for the Browns now and so he should be pardoned immediately.

I like to fire people. I mean, I like to fire at people, I mean I am fired up for the Cleveland Browns season. I am studying to become a born-again Mormon, and I want to marry a corporation as soon as the Church of Latter Day New Orleans Saints accepts me. I think I want to marry Apple, or maybe Sherwin Williams.

I know what you are thinking. Will the Cleveland Browns win five games or six this season? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I’ve kind of lost track of my pick myself. I am pretty sure it was more than five or six. But being this is a 16-game season, and the NFL season is the most awesome sports season in the world that can literally blow your head clean off, you’ve got to ask yourself this one question, do I feel lucky? Well, do you punk? You actually think the Cleveland Browns are not going to be the best team in the NFL this year? Go ahead, make my day.

Finally, I would like to offer a brief quote you can take out of context and then base your campaign, signs, and slogans around. Here’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 1 NFL Picks By Clint Eastwood And A Chair” »