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Archive for October, 2012

Week 8 NFL Picks By The Last Undecided Ohio Voter

October 26, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

I went back to Ohio, but my family was gone
I stood on the back porch, there was nobody home
I was stunned and amazed
My childhood memories slowly swirled past like the wind through the trees
Way to go, Ohio
– The Pretenders

These week 8 NFL picks are undecided in Ohio. Which candidate can help the Cleveland Browns win the next Super Bowl? I am a one-issue voter.

I watched the debates. All this talk of jobs, the economy, war, and deficits. No one mentioned the Cleveland Browns unbalanced offense and how to fix it. I am a voter and this is the issue I care about. I vote in Ohio. Forget the other constituents in other places and their so-called issues. The candidates need me, and I want answers – about the Browns.

Ohio voter for the BrownsMitt Romney was here smoking and drinking and helping me judge my weekly Monday wet t-shirt contest when, out of the blue, he told me that he doesn’t care about 47 percent of the people. I asked if he cared about the Cleveland Browns. He didn’t answer, but he tried to fire my dog. So I asked him, “What do you plan to do to help the Browns on third and one?” He again ignored me.

Mitt Romney doesn’t understand that right now, I am the most powerful person in the world. I am undecided in Ohio. I control the election. And I am worried about the Browns.

But President Obama isn’t any better. He had four years to fix the Cleveland Browns, and instead he focused on stuff like getting health care to sick people, and killing Osama Bin Laden. So on Tuesday when he came by for our weekly game of rock, paper, scissors, I asked him how he planned to get the Browns to tighten up their defense, and he just looked at me. It was almost how he looked in the first debate. He’s not even awake enough to care.

That’s why I am undecided in Ohio.brownselfguitar

This morning Donald Trump offered $5 million to my favorite charity if I would just release my voting intentions. My favorite charity is the People Dedicated to Pulling Out Donald Trump’s Hair And Making It Into A Pittsburgh Steelers-Colored Noose Foundation.

The truth is not one of these politicians care about the Cleveland Browns situation. Things are dire. It is worse than Watergate, worse than Vietnam, even worse than the sinking of the Maine. It’s a national crisis, like a missing lapel flagpin or something. Therefore, this is the most important election of our lifetime. Did I mention I vote in Ohio?

But Joe Biden told me while laughing over shots and beers that the Browns, like the economy, are headed in the right direction and all the other stuff is just a bunch of malarkey. Then Paul Ryan stopped his P90X workout long enough to assure me that the math adds up for the Browns to win the Super Bowl this year. With evidence like that coming from those two guys, I finally felt better about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 8 NFL Picks By The Last Undecided Ohio Voter” »

Week 7 NFL Picks by The Dishwasher Who Trained Paul Ryan

October 19, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

My brain hurt like a warehouse
It had no room to spare
I had to cram so many things
To store everything in there
– David Bowie

These Week 7 NFL picks have been soaked, scrubbed, and put through the machine. Call me Dishmael. I wash dishes. I am a diva, just like T.O.. I catch flak.

I am an also an idiot savant when when it comes to NFL picks. Okay, only the idiot half of this statement is true. But I have, in fact, foreseen many NFL results in the Jackson Pollock designs of saliva and gravy that my customers leave for me. Nice people! I know you are jealous, as you should be.

Paul Ryan Colt McCoy Oklahoma Statepaul Ryan Diswashing losses away

But don’t jump to conclusions. It’s not all art appreciation and collecting money from my bookie. This week, I had to train the Republican vice presidential candidate, Paul Ryan, apparently so he will have something to fall back on if he loses the election.

That’s how the Bain Capital Grill runs. I was forced to train this knucklehead, who might then take my job. On the bright side, the 47 percent of me that feels lazy and entitled was happy to let him do my job. But when he walked in here and started talking about how he admired watching Cleveland Browns starting quarterback Colt McCoy when McCoy was at Oklahoma State, I knew that Paul Ryan was not intelligent enough for the dishwashing profession.

First of all, Colt McCoy is not the Browns starting quarterback. Brandon Weeden is. Secondly, Colt McCoy didn’t go to Oklahoma State. He went to Texas. Brandon Weeden went to Oklahoma State. This mistake is exactly like being asked to wash a spoon, and instead washing a knife. Our sous chef has killed for less than that. He has a backyard graveyard full of dishwashers with wrongly-washed knives stuck in their backs.

This is a tough profession, and I just don’t think Paul Ryan has the chops. It’s not like his other profession, except in one way. I’ve also got a binders full of women; mostly vodka-soaked waitresses.

When he was here, all Paul Ryan did was complain that politics is hard. He called it a contact sport, like the NFL. But just as he said that, the chef stiff-armed him on his way to get another cup of coffee. To get around the concussion rule and the fact that we don’t offer health insurance, our medical staff said Paul Ryan was shaken up on the play.

He was immediately, and controversially, sent to scrubBrady Quinn best QB in NFL sheet pans while proclaiming like an evangelist that Brady Quinn, of USC, is the best quarterback in the NFL. Quinn, of course, actually went to Notre Dame, and he is Brady Quinn, not Tom Brady.

Obviously, I hope Paul Ryan wins the vice presidency because sending an incompetent dishwasher into this volatile world could be catastrophic.

If Paul Ryan does become a dishwasher, I bet it’s at some fancy private club where the members dirty the dishes with saliva and gravy not for the sake of art, but to prove that they are job creators. That’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 7 NFL Picks by The Dishwasher Who Trained Paul Ryan” »

Week 6 NFL Picks Mudslinging Advertisement

October 11, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

I was born in a crossfire hurricane
And I howled at my ma in the driving rain
But it’s all right now, in fact it’s a gas
– The Rolling Stones

These week 6 NFL picks contain approximately zero lies about my fish-fornicating opponent. He is lying when he says the Cleveland Browns are 0-5. That’s baloney!

Speaking of baloney, these week 6 NFL picks are served plain on white bread by my elf-like twitchy media assistant, Skippy. We call it, “The Lance Armstrong” and serve it at my opponent’s rallies. My opponent’s lies are worse than my lies about the Miami Dolphins. My opponent likes fish, that is well-established.

goodel baloneybaloney goodell

Some say this is the meanest NFL prognosticating campaign week ever because the Browns just lost. Some said that last week when the Browns lost, and some said it the week before when the Browns lost. It’s despicable, the things my opponent brings up. My opponent still thinks Scott Fujita should be suspended for being on the Cleveland Browns. This is literally unbelievable.

I usually and probably don’t ever lie about how NFL commissioner Roger Goodell likes to eat live koala bears while they are looking him in the eyes any more than he would make stuff up, and I won’t. I won’t… maybe. Maybe not. I’ll ask my focus group.

My focus group of 50 drunks in a bar unanimously said that anyone picking the Cleveland Browns to win every week is a moron with less brains than a bag full of rocks.

So the bag full of rocks I have at home gave me an idea. Well, not my own idea. I don’t have any of those. But I took a poll – actually I had a nerd race – and Americans want us predictors to scale down the meanness. Even though my opponent is fighting dirty by using facts, I am going to be nicer, simply using my version of honesty. You ready?

My opponent has a messy desk. I even see a half-eaten baloney sandwich on it. See, I can do an attack ad and not be too mean.

Oh one more thing. His desk is also messy because of the fish.

I approve this message, and I approve whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 6 NFL Picks Mudslinging Advertisement” »

Week 5 NFL Picks Debate

October 04, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

Poor man wanna be rich
Rich man wanna be king
And a king ain’t satisfied
Till he rules everything
– Bruce Springsteen

These week 5 NFL picks have been moderated and debated. It turns out that I am entitled to my own facts.

So let me talk specifically about how the 0-4 Cleveland Browns are the best team in the NFL. Now, I understand this is not a popular fact with other teams in the NFL, especially the four teams that already beat the Browns.

In fact, my opponent has accused me of favoring the Philadelphia Eagles because they beat the Cleveland Browns. This is a flat-out lie. He accused me of giving aid to the Atlanta Falcons, the Arizona Cardinals, the Seattle Seahawks, and even the Baltimore Ravens. What I actually said was that I like Big Bird, and that I want to kill him.

big bird brownsatlanta falcon

If anything should be obvious by now, it is that I have zero empathy for at least 47 percent of those teams less fortunate than the Cleveland Browns. Here’s where I get wonky and convoluted and declare that it would take too long to explain the math on how I found any teams worse than the Cleveland Browns. You’re just going to have to trust me on this.

I have been the Prognosticator of the United States of America for the past four years. Therefore I promise if I am re-elected I will finally do what I promised to do four years ago – get the Browns to win some games. The last four years have been an unmitigated disaster, but I blame them on the previous eight years, which were like a gruesome ride through Satan’s bowels. Yes, I believe in Cleveland Browns exceptionalism. It’s just been a bad stretch.

So I am now going to pull out an Etch-A-Sketch and draw you a picture of a rich person waking in the middle of the night with an idea to create jobs by changing the NFL standings in every newspaper printed in America. Never mind that no one reads newspapers anymore. If a job creator says rewriting NFL standings to make it appear like the Cleveland Browns are actually a successful team is an endeavor worthy of our nation’s best and brightest, the job creator is always right.

Of course, this is a bipartisan effort. Therefore, if the football team has a pre-existing condition of sucking, health care should not be denied. This is a moral issue. When I was traveling in the great state of Massachusetts, I met a woman, Stella Artois, and after spending many hours with her and her friend, Bud Weiser, I realized that the win deficit of the Cleveland Browns is the greatest threat to all of us, as well as to future generations. Just like you, I am worried about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 5 NFL Picks Debate” »