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Archive for November, 2012

Week 13 NFL Picks From The Physical Fiscal Cliff

November 28, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

I may be going to hell in a bucket, babe
But at least I’m enjoying the ride!
– The Grateful Dead

These week 13 NFL picks say it’s time to get rid of the Reggie Bush tax cuts. I’ve never understood why he’s the only guy in the country that needs help.

Yes, these Brady Quinn-jersey-wearing week 13 NFL picks by Senators Thelma and Louise, the Philadelphia Eagles, and Fireman Ed,  are barreling off of a cliff. Let us pray… for the Cleveland Browns and America, in that order.

Fireman Ed jumps a cliffthelma and louise New York JetsOkay, praying never works for the Cleveland Browns. I’ve tried. He laughed at me.

But as a supporter of Cleveland Browns entitlement programs such as the recent eight-turnover win over a Pittsburgh Steelers team quarterbacked by a 37-year-old third string quarterback, I would hate to see the government go back to a time when the Cleveland Browns are expected to compete on a level playing field. Those days have long passed.

I believe in the welfare state. It helps the destitute, those who cannot help themselves. The proof is that last week it helped the Cleveland Browns. FDR was right, Reagan was wrong, and Art Modell was Football Satan or it might be the other way around.

A long time ago, the Cleveland Browns were run by Paul Brown and the rich ran the world as they should. Then Art Modell bought the team, fired Paul Brown, and pretty much ever since the rich have run the world as they shouldn’t. If you are smart enough to connect all the dots, everything in life is related to the fate of the team in orange helmets.

That’s why the physical fiscal cliff worries me so much. Have you ever seen a big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag? I have one in my backyard. My money pile is so tall, I can’t imagine leaping off of it. But what if the whole country put all our money together into a really big pile of money next to a Cleveland Browns flag, and then we had to jump off of the the Cleveland Browns-flagged money cliff like some are suggesting? Gosh. Politicians are mean.

But I think when the Browns win the rest of their games and get in the playoffs and win the Super Bowl, all of this cliff jumping will be avoided. So that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks From The Physical Fiscal Cliff” »

Week 12 NFL Picks By Your Drunk Uncle on Thanksgiving

November 22, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

Thank you for reading!
– Happy Thanksgiving

These Week 12 NFL picks love you man! Remember that thing that happened decades ago that still pisses me off? Get me another drink! Let’s talk politics.

Oh, I love you man. But I can’t believe what a loser jerk you are. Seriously, let’s talk politics. Your religion is stupid! Happy Thanksgiving. Isn’t it great that the Washington Redskins and New England Patriots created Thanksgiving. I love American history.

I am sorry, I have those facts wrong. That’s right, I am wrong. You got a problem with that?

It was the Detroit Lions and Dallas Cowboys who created this national holiday that I love in the way that I love pie. I like cake more than pie. But I love to say “pie.” And I love Thanksgiving the way that I love pie.

What, so now you got a problem with pie? Me too. I want cake.

So let’s talk politics. Everything on this table was a gift from Mitt Romney, who said he wanted to buy my vote in the recent election. Actually, Mitt Romney bought me this house too. He wanted to buy gifts for voters like Obama did. But he only bought gifts for 100 of us. I have this house, a yacht, and two illegal immigrants to do my yard work. Mitt’s awesome! I voted for Obama, but Mitt’s awesome!

Pass the mashed potatoes. Want to know my opinion on rape?

I know everything about the NFL, of course. Tim Tebow is the best player ever. Did I ever tell you how stupid I think your religion is? Ed Reed should be suspended for life for being a Baltimore Raven. It’s offensive. Colin Kaepernick is better than Alex Smith, and the Cleveland Browns are going to win the next Super Bowl. Yeah, I’m smart and I get smarter when I drink.

Let me tell you what I would do about Israel and Palestine. Pass the stuffing. When you die, how much will I inherit? I love holidays when I get to share my knowledge and issues with you. This turkey is dry. I should have went out to eat.

Get me another drink and I’ll tell you all about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 12 NFL Picks By Your Drunk Uncle on Thanksgiving” »

Week 11 NFL Picks From The General Soap Opera

November 16, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

Well you’re where you should be all the time
And when you’re not you’re with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
– Carly Simon

These week 11 NFL picks are having an affair with my biographer. I am writing an autobiography.

My autobiography begins when these week 11 NFL picks were found in General David Petraeus’ underwear by the FBI, acting on a tip from an unnamed New York Jet.

tebow and sanchezThis week’s NFL picks are the next act in a bad soap opera script involving Tim Tebow, Mark Sanchez, Rex Ryan and the New York Jets. It’s actually a soap opera taking place on a train wreck. Sort of like a bombastic Titanic on land. So much bad romance. So much tragedy, and navel gazing. It’s the NFL written by Woody Allen, and directed by Irwin Allen.

Meanwhile, in other soap opera news related to these week 11 NFL picks, General Petraeus resigned, and Michael Vick has taken a bell-ringing break from the inner sanctums of It’s Never Sunny In The Philadelphia Eagles Locker Room.

Affairs and broken relationships are rampant across the NFL at this time of year, and there are plenty of conspiracy theories, according to my biographer. Norv Turner owns very valuable photographs. Jerry Jones takes advice from martians. Roger Goodell does not have a soul. For some fans, just like for some voters, it’s maddening.petraeus picks the NFL

Like many disgruntled citizens after the election, I understand the desire to secede. After the first half of the NFL season, I believe the Cleveland Browns should secede from the NFL. I do not understand why my predicted record for the Cleveland Browns of 9-0 by this point is only 2-7. My internal polling showed for sure they would win every game.

Someone has cheated. Teams have grown to expect wins just because they score more points than the Cleveland Browns. If that’s the kind of NFL we live in, just forget it. It means we have more takers of wins, than makers of Browns wins. I don’t know if it’s hopeless, but it’s troublesome.

After Petraeus, our best known general since Norman Schwarzkopf, became a spy and started running around like an American James Bond, these week 11 NFL picks became shaken, not stirred. Thus, a loud anonymous voice from the New York Jets locker room brought attention to the fact that these picks exist and some people say that, despite some very loud and public prayers, they are horrible.

It makes you wonder, now whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 11 NFL Picks From The General Soap Opera” »

Week 10 NFL Picks By Just Re-Elected President Obama

November 08, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one’
– John Lennon

These week 10 NFL Picks call on our divided nation to stop the partisan bickering and help  the Cleveland Browns go forward. Four more years of this? Really?

That’s what you want? Me and John Boehner spitting at each week after week other over the Browns offensive game plan? Fine, let me read Sharia law and see what I should do now. Food stamps for everybody! I’ll call the United Nations for advice after I marry the love of my life, Hugo Chavez. Hey, I just sold Kansas to China! I’m kidding, Rush.

Obama 2012No one knows it, but Rush Limbaugh and I are good friends. I am good for his career and, well, he has been great for mine.

But I am talking about the future of the Cleveland Browns and how I plan to get them to the upcoming Super Bowl. This is why you elected me. I watched the results. Thank you Cuyahoga County!brownself

Hope and dreams? No. Reality and science. This campaign to get the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl in New Orleans is based on arithmetic, and now that America has endorsed my quest to restore the Cleveland Browns to greatness, all I can say is, forward.

Oh, I said that already? Well, forward pass. Or run. Either way, you should know that my opponent, Mitt Romney called and congratulated me and he said you should pray for me. That’s the first good idea he’s ever had.

I am glad that he was gracious in defeat. The Cleveland Browns are often gracious in defeat. Perhaps a bit too often. Maybe we should pray for them too. Or maybe they should just take a page from my campaign, and attack the teams that are rich with wins, and force them to pay their fair share of losses. That’s right, I am a socialist. You are surprised?

Finally, I would especially like to thank those visiting from France and Kenya who voted early and often. Sure, I stole the election. You are surprised? No, you are not surprised. You vote, and, no matter what they say, you determine whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 10 NFL Picks By Just Re-Elected President Obama” »

Week 9 NFL Picks of Frankenstorm and the Zombie Apocalypse Election

November 01, 2012 By: BT Category: 2012 season

And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You’ll be drenched to the bone…..
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times, they are a-changin’
– Bob Dylan

These week 9 NFL picks should be worried about the zombie apocalypse election now that Frankenstorm has passed. But the Cleveland Browns won, so no worries.

According to a tweet from a twit, FEMA officially tweaked Tim Tebow to treat the blown away and loss-flooded New York Jets, while fat partisan gridlock caused by the large miserable jets fansheroic presence of New Jerseyfat Chris Christie saves Jets fans Governor Chris Christie has saved thousands of lives of Jets fans who planned to toss themselves off of the George Washington Bridge. Tremendous! Or terrifying. One of those.

None of this is true, except for the parts that are. I do have worries. I hide them well. Freak storms and big elections scare me. I’ve seen the damage both can do, and so it is more fun to worry about the little things, like whether my favorite football team has finally turned the corner. The Cleveland Browns won last week. No worries.

The ancient Mayans are supposed to worry me. It’s getting to that time of year again. Another end of the world is almost here, or did the ancient Mayans predict something bad about the Cleveland Browns? Either way, the ancient Mayans were wrong, dead wrong. The Browns are way better than the ancient Mayans thought they’d be. Therefore the ancient Mayans were wrong. The ancient Mayans are also dead. That equals dead wrong.

Speaking of dead wrong, the upcoming zombie apocalypse election is being billed by the lamestream media as a mere election. Some call it the most important election of our lifetime. But few have the courage to call it what it is, a zombie apocalypse election that features a contest between the living and the undead.

The choice between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney is as clear of a choice as this week’s battle between the Cleveland Browns and the evil Baltimore Ravens. Let’s just say that the stimulus is working.

Everything I just wrote is an attention-deficit disorder lie, wrapped around an attention-starved conundrum. Except for the parts about the scary election, and the Cleveland Browns winning. Those are true.

Next up, Christmasegeddon. And that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 9 NFL Picks of Frankenstorm and the Zombie Apocalypse Election” »