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Archive for January, 2013

Super Bowl XLVII Pick By A Re-Elected Liberal President Suspecting A Catfish Scam

January 24, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Super Bowl, Super Bowl

Inside the museums, Infinity goes up on trial
– Bob Dylan

Re-elected by you, my liberal agenda is clear. The Cleveland Browns will win Super Bowl XLVII. It’s my second term, I am all in.

My first order of business is to redistribute the Harbaugh family wealth. No single family should have the Super Bowl to themselves. Therefore, by executive order, the Cleveland Browns are in the Super Bowl.harbaugh brothers entitled Party!

Yes, I’m bailing out my favorite football team. Plus just to use some of this excess political capital, I sold Kansas to the Taliban to create a multi-religious Land Of The Righteous where everyone gets a holy book and a gun. Enjoy.

Do I feel entitled? According to my new tax code, Aaron Rodgers is now a Cleveland Brown.

The Baltimore Ravens versus the Sanobama points to harbaugh brothers Francisco 49ers in the Super Bowl? Who said that, FOX News, FOX sports? Karl Rove and Terry Bradshaw are hilarious. Oh, I get it. Super Bowl XLVII is some kind of Catfish scam; an imaginary matchup. How come the Cleveland Browns aren’t in the game?

I believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win this Super Bowl. Sure, I am delusional but if you think delusional is bad, you are delusional. Delusions make the world go round. Trust me.

I am no George W. Bush chasing imaginary weapons of mass destruction. My Super Bowl conspiracy theory is true, and I know all about true conspiracy theories. I am a Kenyan-born socialist flag-burning gay handicapped Spanish speaking Muslim woman with a lifetime membership to an abortion clinic. I can’t fool anyone.

So heck, to replace Kansas on the flag that I like to burn for fuel because I don’t like fossil fuels, Washington DC is now a state. Watch out, Texas. I’m also looking for room on the flag for Puerto Rico. Plus once Fidel Castro dies, it’s only a matter of time until Cuba is a state and Havana gets an NFL team, the Havana Hawks.

That’s how I plan to solve immigration… with NFL expansion. It’s so much kinder than standard colonization. Truth.

So, Ravens and 49ers in the Super Bowl in Barack Obama’s America?

Against all my instincts, I am allowing this to happen. Don’t tell me I am not bipartisan. I’ve seen the intelligence reports from the CIA and the Navy Seals. The Harbaugh brothers have been plotting for decades, and no one can stop whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Super Bowl XLVII Pick By A Re-Elected Liberal President Suspecting A Catfish Scam” »

Conference Championship NFL Picks By Lance Armstrong (Tour de NFL edition)

January 16, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 NFL playoffs

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
– Jefferson Airplane

These Conference Championship NFL Picks have never used PEDs to pick the games. Obviously. Or is it? I deny my denial.

It was pure hard work and God-given talent that allowed me to pick last week’s Patriots-Texans score almost exactly. Look it up. Don’t look at the other three games. Especially not the Saturday games. The PEDs had not kicked in when I was picking those games.

PEZ for PEDsLook, I’ve always wanted to do PEDs. But I think I did PEZ instead. I need a copy editor. Sure, the PEZ dispenser was filled with steroids, HGH, and Adderal, but as best as I knew I was taking pure PEZ, just like Manny Ramirez. I have plausible deniability. I think.

Want to go for a bike ride? I’ll race you!

This weekend is like the second final stage of the Tour de NFL, and ILance Armstrong picks the NFL am juiced up for it. But don’t you dare accuse me of being juiced up because I’ll just issue wildly inaccurate statements about how I believe the Cleveland Browns are sure to win both games this Sunday, and then you’ll be so confused that you won’t know how to respond. Exactly.

I am raising money for people suffering from an apparently fatal disease called “Futilely Cheering For The Cleveland Browns To Win A Championship.” It has been a fatal disease since 1964, as sadly, many Cleveland Browns fans have died since 1964. If only they had won a few championships since then. What a difference it could have made.

My story is heartwarming. I am waiting on a new delivery of PEZ. Did I mention my story is heartwarming? No, I did not say heartburning.

So by the end of this weekend, if this PEZ dispenser shaped like Barry Bonds steroid-bighead (not his post-steroid regular head) is any good, the following will take place. And I will stand by all of this until the end of time, or until there is enough evidence that I don’t have any choice as to admit that this is actually whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Conference Championship NFL Picks By Lance Armstrong (Tour de NFL edition)” »

Divisional NFL Playoff Picks By Global Warming After The Hottest Year Ever

January 10, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 NFL playoffs

If you start me up
If you start me up I’ll never stop
– The Rolling Stones

Global Warming here with your hot Divisional NFL Picks while we await next week’s smoking Brady versus Manning matchup.

Hottest year in history? You bet. Did you see those rookie quarterbacks? How about the comebacks by Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning? Heck, Richard Nixon is now 100 years old, and he’s literally hotter than hell.

aerosol can picks NFL

Rob and Rex Ryan hot airfarting cow picks NFL

Where did I come from, you ask? My father was an aerosol can of a man. My mother was a farting cow. Family lore has it that I was conceived inside of a diesel truck full of plastic bags and coal, but I think I might be a triplet to Rex and Rob Ryan because all three of us are full of hot air.

So just like Rex Ryan, I also got tattoo of my wife wearing a jersey of my favorite quarterback ever. She’s a Tsunami of a woman. On the tattoo, she  is wearing a Spergon Wynn jersey because I once had a very bad fever.

And now I’ve got a fever for this weekend’s games. This is my favorite NFL weekend of the year, so I hope my children will leave me alone to watch the games. Some of my children, I swear, are hurricanes. Have you met Sandy?

As Global Warming, I am doing everything I can to bring tropical weather to polar bears because I think polar bears deserve some warm weather too. Shout out to polar bears! But not the Chicago Bears. Jay Cutler gives me the chills.

Speaking of chills, I’ve got the flu that’s going around. I believe it is called the Chip Kelly Virus. It causes you to become delusional and lose all perspective. So yeah, I’ve become a Republican, which I guess is kind of odd because that means that I don’t believe in me.

I do believe we are in for some fantastic football this weekend. The playoffs are heating up. So sit back and enjoy the games because soon enough I am going to get rip-roaring drunk on carbon monoxide and methane. and start throwing things around again. But you already knew that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Divisional NFL Playoff Picks By Global Warming After The Hottest Year Ever” »

Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks By NRA VP Wayne LaPierre’s Favorite Gun

January 02, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 NFL playoffs

I’m fakin no moves and fakin no jax
Flavor Flav is back on the dome relax
– Flavor Flav

These Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks are bulletproof, says me.  Trust me. I am the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre’s favorite gun.

And together we say that the Cleveland Browns won’t lose this NFL wildcard weekend. Got it?

Russell Wilson gunslingerUSA/NRARGIII gunslinger

Call me Crazy. No really, that’s my name. “I’ll show you crazy!” Wayne LaPierre likes to shout when he waves me around. Wayne LaPierre scares even me, and I am a gun. I think I need to buy a tank to protect myself. That’s legal, right?

I am currently hanging out at recess at the local elementary school, you know, to protect the kids. My trigger is getting itchy as I think about the upcoming Seahawks/Redskins game. I am so excited. I want to shoot at the sky as if I am at a fun Middle Eastern wedding. That’s also legal, right?

Two great young quarterbacks are in that Seattle/Washington game. Robert Griffin III and Russell Wilson are young gunslingers. I am just like them, only I am a gun.

The worst two quarterbacks still playing this weekend are Christian Ponder and Joe Flacco. They are not just like me. They are like a bow and arrow. What’s the point of putting the likes of them in every kindergarten class in America?

The truth is that guns in schools is the first of a series of incremental steps necessary to make America safe. First small guns. Then big guns. Then tanks. Armed guards on rooftops, guarded by other armed guards in case any armed guards go rogue. In fact, the only way to make our schools truly safe is to arm each one with a nuclear weapon – you know, like Peyton Manning or Tom Brady.

But why stop with schools?

The only way this country is ever really going to become safe again is if every man, woman and child in America is packing a nuclear weapon on their person. A sort of widespread theory of mutually assured destruction – “MAD.” This logic kept the peace for decades with the Soviet Union. Surely the threat of mutually assured destruction would keep the peace in, say, a stadium full of drunk NFL fans wearing opposing team jerseys. So that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks By NRA VP Wayne LaPierre’s Favorite Gun” »