I can’t seem to face up to the facts
I’m tense and nervous and I can’t relax
I can’t sleep ’cause my bed’s on fire
Don’t touch me I’m a real live wire
– Talking Heads
Hey, it’s Aaron Hernandez predicting week 1 in the NFL from here in jail. Yo, what’s new? Same old same old here. Just killing time.
I can kill time with anyone. Yep, just killing and chilling. Time that is. It’s only a matter of time until I am back in the NFL catching touchdowns. Sure, it won’t be for the Patriots anymore. They’re too “right thing to do” for me.
But when I hold the Super Bowl Trophy aloft for the Baltimore Ravens and then join Ray Lewis in the broadcast booth, you’ll see that the predictions I am about to give you for week 1 in the NFL are killer. It’s like I put a bullet right into the target of these NFL predictions and then threw them into a lake or something.
Sure I’m in jail now, but it’s not bad. I know people who are Cleveland Browns fans. That’s cruel and unusual punishment.
The judge offered me a choice of jail or being a Browns fan. I chose jail.
But now I am having second thoughts… about a lot of things, actually. And I think I could have dealt with being a Browns fan this year. Heck, I would have even been willing to be an actual Cleveland Brown because Brandon Weeden is about to have an MVP year, and because that would mean I wasn’t in jail.
But back to the Browns quarterback. Yes, I played with Tom Brady, and I say that Brandon Weeden is better. Of course you can trust me. I always tell the truth.
I am so excited for this NFL season. I have never been more worked up. Well, maybe once or allegedly twice. But you know what I’m saying. I’ve even become a Browns fan because, heck, orange is the new black.
So as we approach week 1 of the NFL season, my lawyer tells me that this is whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 1 NFL Picks By Aaron Hernandez” »