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Archive for September, 2013

Week 4 NFL Picks Philly Buster From Ted Cruz

September 25, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door and I must have it painted black
Maybe then I’ll fade away and not have to face the facts
It’s not easy facing up when your whole world is black
– Rolling Stones

Hi, I am Senator Ted Cruz and I believe the Cleveland Browns should trade Buster Skrine to Philadelphia so he can be Philly Buster. Let me keep talking.

jaguars of the senateted cruz picks the NFL

I am talking because I believe, like all real Americans, that the Cleveland Browns should be allowed to play in the Super Bowl without having to win any more games. My request is perfectly reasonable in my opinion. Other opinions, to me, are weird.

I have a really important opinion. Just ask me. I’m glad you asked. I know the odds of my succeeding are worse than, say, the Jacksonville Jaguars against the Denver Broncos. Go on, call me the Jacksonville Jaguars of the United States Senate. So what? Harry Reid still has to play me. I am on the schedule.

So when I talk about nonsense, I can make it seem like sense. I just keep talking and once  you are numb enough to get hypnotized, you’ll be as angry as me. Yet I appear to be the most reasonable man on Earth. Just ask me.

Look, I never get my way. So I’ve finally decided to do this. I don’t care if I shut down the NFL.

Oh, you do? I can shut down the government, but not the NFL. Wow, you people are real Americans.

At this point, I don’t care whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 4 NFL Picks Philly Buster From Ted Cruz” »

Week 3 NFL Picks From The Leaking Nuclear Reactor Of Sadness

September 20, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

Cryin’ won’t help you, and prayin’ won’t do you no good
When the levee breaks, mama, you gotta move
– Led Zeppelin

So I saw that the Pope said it was okay for the Cleveland Browns to trade Trent Richardson. I smell chemicals. Did Assad hit my living room? That’s not what the Pope said, is it?

Nuclear Waste again Trent RichardsonIs this the leak from Fukishima? I’ve been sad from Three Mile Island to Three Rivers Stadium. I’ve got the Fukishima Trent Richardson you-can’t-be-serious-after-everything-I’ve-been-through blues.

Really? After one season and two games, the Cleveland Browns traded Trent Richardson?

Can I swear here? No? (Psst, I hate the bastard that runs this place.)

Let me put it this way: Wah!

Let me add: Wah! Wah! Wah!

Okay. From a logical standpoint, a little nuclear waste is a small price to pay for some really cool mostly invisible and actually green energy. The NFL draft is energy, right?

Of course, there is waste. That’s a fact of nuclear energy or chemical attacks – or, for that matter, Cleveland Browns high draft picks. I smell apathy, and I’m getting sleepy. My stomach hurts something awful, and I want to rip my eyes out. Will the Cleveland Browns move again, this time to Yucca Mountain? Maybe that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 3 NFL Picks From The Leaking Nuclear Reactor Of Sadness” »

Week 2 NFL Picks From Bashar al-Assad’s Fantasy League

September 10, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

Communication breakdown, it’s always the same
I’m having a nervous breakdown, drive me insane!
– Led Zeppelin

The fantasy football league I joined is toxic, and seems to go by the rules of RISK. As you can tell, I’ve got no friends so I joined this random league and it turned out to be a league with Vladmir Putin, Barack Obama, and Bashar al-Assad.

rex ryan toxic chemistrybashar-al-assad picks the NFL

I took all Cleveland Browns players. That is always my strategy. Brandon Weeden, with only three interceptions in the first half of the first game, played above expectations, I thought. Plus, he’s got upside, or is that upside-down?

Anyway, back to my fantasy league. Barack Obama picked Andrew Luck on the advice of his campaign advisers, who suggested luck has always served him well.

Assad, a fan of toxic chemistry, went with all New York Jets. Meanwhile Putin, the ex-spy, of course went with Bill Belichick’s New England Patriots. Don’t forget, he has a Patriots ring.

What a group. Everybody’s always bitching about the rules.

All I wanted to do was have a bit of fun. You know, some chill competition among new friends is how I envisioned this league. But no. These bastards want to kill each other.

It’s only week 2. I got to tell you… I don’t know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 2 NFL Picks From Bashar al-Assad’s Fantasy League” »