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Week 10 NFL Picks, The Allegations Are True
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Archive for October, 2013

Week 9 NFL Picks From The NSA Phone Tap Of Angela Merkel

October 30, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

Every breath you take
Every move you make
– The Police

Cleveland Browns fan Angela Merkel is now making her Week 9 NFL Picks. We at the NSA hear everything the German Chancellor says. Do you want to know what she thinks about Brandon Weeden?

angela merkel picks the NFLLet us, your weirdly anonymous government overseer – think of us as a big brother – tell you about week 9 in the NFL because we’re not going to tell you what Angela Merkel thinks of Brandon Weeden. It’s too obvious.

As week 9 in the NFL approaches, we reluctantly and proudly admit that we know almost everything about  every NFL fan, including Angela Merkel. It’s important for us to know all of these things about your NFL rooting habits for national security reasons. After all, America is the land of the free and Merkel, the German, should know that.browns helmet picks the NFL

Merkel has just hung up from talking to her bookie. She is now looking at her fantasy team on her ESPN app.

Sure, we agreed not to spy on the heads of allied states. But this is spying on an altered state. Cleveland Browns fans, like German Chancellor Angela Merkel, worry us the most. We at the NSA have already learned the perils of ignoring blind faith.

Have Cleveland Browns fans been tested? For anything? Could Cleveland Browns fans pass any kind of test at all? Do they see what they are rooting for? We at the NSA can’t be the only ones. Seriously, this is a national security issue and that is why we may or may not be looking into every room of Browns fans everywhere.

Wait a minute.

Angela Merkel is about to go to the bathroom.

No, false alarm. She has only went into the bathroom to look at her teeth in the mirror. She had salad earlier. Balsamic dressing. She was worried some leaf was stuck in her teeth, and when she looked she saw lettuce and removed it. To be fair, we don’t know for sure that she was worried about the lettuce in her teeth. We have deduced this based on the preponderance of facts that we do have.

So remember NFL fans, we are watching you. When they told you in grade school that everything you do goes on your permanent record, they were talking about the NSA. We pretty much know everything about everything. Trust us on these NFL picks. This is exactly whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 9 NFL Picks From The NSA Phone Tap Of Angela Merkel” »

Week 8 NFL Picks from the Broken Obamacare Website

October 23, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

Oh a storm is threatening
my very life today
If I don’t get some shelter
Oh yeah, I’m gonna fade away
– The Rolling Stones

Welcome to Week NFL 8 picks at the Obamacare website, where nothing works. For instance, these are hockey scores.

Weeden is not exactly goodobamacare website picks the NFL

If you have a pre-existing condition such as cheering for the pathetic Cleveland Browns, you will be covered but it’s not like it will do any good. You won’t get better and the condition is terminal as you will surely die while doing this.

But if you insist on having an operation to remove your bad quarterback and replace him with  a journeyman quarterback, Obamacare actually approves this nonsensical procedure. Jason Cambell is now your quarterback instead of Brandon Weeden. Happy?

If you have actually made it this far into to the website, we can identify you as a Cleveland Browns fan because no one else is willing to wait as long as you are. Thus, this Obamacare website is written in your terminology. For instance, the health care bill was passed so that it would be impossible to use, just like a Brandon Weeden pass.

Look, we can’t pay for any of this. Essentially, Obamacare is a placebo to make you feel better, especially if you suffer from the awful disease known as Cheering For The Cleveland Browns. In fact, the only known cure for this condition is to drop an anvil on your head.

Click here for anvil vendors.

So now that you know all about Obamacare, we are sad to inform you that this website is broken and although the various NFL betting plans are clearly listed below, the only health care plan available is the one that is currently unavailable. All operators are busy.

Goodbye.

Thank you for visiting the Obamacare website, where if you turn your head and cough, you’ll find out whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 8 NFL Picks from the Broken Obamacare Website” »

Week 7 NFL Picks Comparing Washington Government To Browns QB, Brandon Weeden

October 17, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

Hey Washington, American Voter here with my week 7 NFL picks to distract you from your recent awesome antics. I compare your leadership to the leadership of Cleveland Browns quarterback, Brandon Weeden, the best quarterback in the NFL.

Weeden overcomes adversitybad government NFL picks I have been commode-hugging sick listening to you, my government, lie to each other in the most vicious ways your twisted minds can dream up. Who elected you people?

This, after I was scratch-my-eyeballs out angry at watching Brandon Weeden throw the ball last week like he wanted to play inside of a slow-motion film trying to replicate an acid trip from the 1960s. Who roots for a guy like this?

Do you understand, Washington, home of the Redskins? I am out here in some Atlantic Ocean suburb of Cleveland, or maybe this commode I am hugging is in Dorothy’s Kansas, and I’d like to vote for some civility, or at least better quarterback play. Is that too much to ask?

I thought so. Okay, well let me try this.

You are supposed to be the best government on Earth. You know, just like Brandon Weeden is the best quarterback in the NFL.

Decisions are what you, the government, and Weeden, the quarterback, do for a living. You have too much time to deliberate. He needs much more time to deliberate. So make a deliberate decision.

Everybody get together, Democrats and Republicans – yes, you too Senator Cruz – and watch Brandon Weeden throw a bunch touchdowns this weekend, and then sing “Kumbaya” in a choir led by Jim Irsay and Peyton Manning. Yeah, that’s exactly whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 7 NFL Picks Comparing Washington Government To Browns QB, Brandon Weeden” »

Week 6 NFL Picks from John Boehner

October 10, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

Now you know how to be dumb
Are you ready to take your place
In the modern museum of mistakes?
– Elvis Costello

Hey, John Boehner of Ohio here with your week 6 NFL picks, and saying it’s time for the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl or I will break the world’s economy.

I can do it, you know. I almost want to do it.

John Boehner picks the NFLbrownselfYes, I won’t fund the government until the Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl.

No, I’m not giving in.

Instead, let me tell you at story that isn’t true but seems so to me. Decades ago, during the Nixon administration, a law was passed authorizing the Pittsburgh Steelers to be better than the Cleveland Browns.

Both houses of Congress voted on it again recently. I know that President Obama signed legislation authorizing the Pittsburgh Steelers to be better than the Cleveland Browns again, as usual. I believe he called it Obamacare.

I am also painfully aware that the Supreme Court, and the Super Bowl, upheld this opinion, over and over.

But those days are finished. Look, no one gets paid until I get my way.

Ever since I started acting like this, the Cleveland Browns have been winning. The Pittsburgh Steelers have lost every game so far this year. My strategy is working – perfectly.

In truth, I couldn’t tell you who plays quarterback or running back for the Browns from week to week. So what? Our players don’t have Obamacare. If we don’t like their now-existing condition, we heartlessly move on.

My way or the highway is such a simple compromise. Well, actually, the highway is closed, but you know what I mean and now you know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 6 NFL Picks from John Boehner” »

Week 5 NFL Picks on the Road Sign to the Apocalypse

October 02, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

It’s the end of the world as we know it
And I feel fine
– R.E.M.

The Cleveland Browns are in first place, so I am afraid of the Apocalypse. I called the government, but they are afraid too. They have shut down.

Also, the Cleveland Indians are in the playoffs. I did not expect the Apocalypse so soon. The Pittsburgh Steelers are 0-4, while the Pittsburgh Pirates are in the playoffs. You do the math. 1 + 1 = Apocalypse.

brian hoyerLook, I saw that movie, “Life of Brian.” Who is the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns? Yes, Brian Hoyer. As the guy on the car insurance commercial says, It’s not complicated.

I am so sure of this, I am going to party like it’s 1999, which, coincidentally, is the year the “new” Cleveland Browns were born. And now the entire government has run to their underground bunkers in undisclosed locations because they can hear four horsemen riding into town. One is riding a Denver Bronco.

For it is only Peyton Manning who could possibly derail this wonderful Apocalyptic vision of mine.

The world is ending

What I am saying is, If the Cleveland Indians meet the Pittsburgh Pirates in the World Series, don’t buy green bananas. If this is actually the Apocalypse, as any Cleveland fan can only hope,  then Brian Hoyer will continue to perform miracles. Yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 5 NFL Picks on the Road Sign to the Apocalypse” »