Every breath you take
Every move you make
– The Police
Cleveland Browns fan Angela Merkel is now making her Week 9 NFL Picks. We at the NSA hear everything the German Chancellor says. Do you want to know what she thinks about Brandon Weeden?
Let us, your weirdly anonymous government overseer – think of us as a big brother – tell you about week 9 in the NFL because we’re not going to tell you what Angela Merkel thinks of Brandon Weeden. It’s too obvious.
As week 9 in the NFL approaches, we reluctantly and proudly admit that we know almost everything about every NFL fan, including Angela Merkel. It’s important for us to know all of these things about your NFL rooting habits for national security reasons. After all, America is the land of the free and Merkel, the German, should know that.
Merkel has just hung up from talking to her bookie. She is now looking at her fantasy team on her ESPN app.
Sure, we agreed not to spy on the heads of allied states. But this is spying on an altered state. Cleveland Browns fans, like German Chancellor Angela Merkel, worry us the most. We at the NSA have already learned the perils of ignoring blind faith.
Have Cleveland Browns fans been tested? For anything? Could Cleveland Browns fans pass any kind of test at all? Do they see what they are rooting for? We at the NSA can’t be the only ones. Seriously, this is a national security issue and that is why we may or may not be looking into every room of Browns fans everywhere.
Wait a minute.
Angela Merkel is about to go to the bathroom.
No, false alarm. She has only went into the bathroom to look at her teeth in the mirror. She had salad earlier. Balsamic dressing. She was worried some leaf was stuck in her teeth, and when she looked she saw lettuce and removed it. To be fair, we don’t know for sure that she was worried about the lettuce in her teeth. We have deduced this based on the preponderance of facts that we do have.
So remember NFL fans, we are watching you. When they told you in grade school that everything you do goes on your permanent record, they were talking about the NSA. We pretty much know everything about everything. Trust us on these NFL picks. This is exactly whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 9 NFL Picks From The NSA Phone Tap Of Angela Merkel” »