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Archive for November, 2013

Week 13 NFL Picks Give Thanks For Imaginary Cleveland Browns Wins

November 27, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon
– Pink Floyd

Some say these week 13 NFL picks are delusional. But don’t listen to the voices in my head.

I say the Cleveland Browns are going to win. My friend that lives under a bridge says it is stupid to be loyal to anyone who treats you like Cleveland Browns treat their fans. I would never live under that bridge.

Longtime readers of this column know that I live in a refrigerator box in the woods with no amenities other than a flat-screen TV hooked up to the NFL Network. The rest of you have probably figured it out. Both of you.

This website is arguably the most profitable website in brownselfguitarAmerica, because I will argue with anyone.

Anyway, ever since the IPO, I admit to being foolish with my billions. Every week, I go all in with my bookie, Cakeface McGee, on the picks in this column. The problem with betting billions of dollars on the picks in this column is that this column always picks the Cleveland Browns to win, and the Cleveland Browns almost always lose.

Can I tell you a secret? I am beginning to not trust the judgment of the guy that makes these picks. Sure, sometimes this crap is correct. But he always picks the Cleveland Browns to win, and they are always mean to him. Loyalty to mean people is stupid.

That reminds me. If Cakeface McGee walks in carrying a baseball bat, I’m not here.

So I just want to say with all of my heart that these week 13 NFL picks are thankful for the imaginary loving family gathered around me eating this imaginary delicious turkey, and toasting the imaginary great football team known as the Cleveland Browns. I’d write more, but I need to look for my can opener for these beans.

Happy Thanksgiving. Obviously, I don’t know whatzgonnahappen Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks Give Thanks For Imaginary Cleveland Browns Wins” »

Week 12 NFL Picks by Toronto’s Crack-Smoking Mayor

November 24, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

Trouble ahead, trouble behind
And you know that notion
Just crossed my mind
– The Grateful Dead

These week 12 NFL picks are running a little late because I was in a drunken stupor, eh? I mean, did you see the game Jason Cambell played for the Browns last week? You did? Oh, so you’ve been in a drunken stupor too.

rob ford picks the NFLDo you got any crack?

I’ve been running around in a football jersey talking about oral sex and cocaine, but only because I want to get elected again. You may have noticed that my popularity has surged ever since I’ve been labeled a crack-smoking mayor. Hell, I might just murder somebody to see how far I can take this.

After all, the Cleveland Browns are playing the Pittsburgh Steelers this week, so I am feeling extra feisty. And Tom Brady is facing off against Peyton Manning too,which makes me want to ask you, do you have any crack?

Okay, actually I deny ever using crack. Sure, there is video of me smoking it after a game Brandon Weeden started for the Browns. While you certainly couldn’t blame me if I did smoke crack after watching Weeden play, look at me. I weigh 5.000 pounds. That wasn’t crack I was smoking. What we have here is a spelling error. I was smoking cake. And pie. And bacon.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it. But first, pass it over here and then I’ll tell you whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 12 NFL Picks by Toronto’s Crack-Smoking Mayor” »

Week 11 NFL Picks With Punctuation, Period

November 14, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

Would you teach your children to tell the truth?
Would you take the high road if you could choose?
– John Mellencamp

Let me be clear. These week 11 NFL picks are correct, period.

In fact, the Cleveland Browns are going to beat the Cincinnati Bengals, exclamation point. Do you understand, question mark.

punctuation NFL picksMy point is that while you were busy not signing up for Obamacare, I made these week 11 NFL picks to prove how sincere I am in my love of punctuation words.

If one of these picks is not true, I will deny that I made these predictions and most likely accuse you of distorting my facts, semi-colon, the Cleveland Browns always win.

I am not a liar. I simply do not understand punctuation, period.

So while I will feign surprise that people who feel healthy are not rushing to sign up to pay a new mandatory monthly bill, I know that someday you’ll get sick and you’ll wonder how did I know that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 11 NFL Picks With Punctuation, Period” »

Week 10 NFL Picks For Bullies

November 06, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

You’ve got to change your evil ways, baby
Before I stop loving you
– Santana

Week 10 NFL Picks for Bullies is the first of a new series of reference books to compete with the For Dummies books, and with the Complete Idiot’s Guides.

Are you a dick? These Week 10 NFL Picks For Bullies are for you.

bully picks the NFLIs a bag of hammers smarter than you? This is the place for guidance.

Until this week, being a bully in the NFL was a good thing. So just say that, and then stop talking.

And please, no more text messages. Even we’re offended, and our next book is called Pre-Teen Mean Girls For Bullies.

One more thing. You need to come forward now.

It’s too late to go incognito.

You are a bully. Own it. Be proud. You are a bully-American. Trust us, you are not alone.

It may not look good right now, but this is America. Nice guys finish last. Bullies always win. So just ride this out, because that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 10 NFL Picks For Bullies” »