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Archive for December, 2013

Week 17 NFL Picks By That Duck Dynasty Guy

December 27, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

I’ve been down on the bottom
of a whirlpool of lies
I ain’t lookin’  for nothin’
In anyone’s eyes
– Bob Dylan

These week 17 NFL Picks would like you to duck back to an ignorant age when everyone knew their place. Back then, the Cleveland Browns place was first. That’s right, a long time ago.

Quack. I’ve got a beard and money. I am the smartest person I’ve ever met  Plus, get this, I’ve read one book.

duck dyansty NFL PicksPlease say “amen” now. And listen to my call.

Actually the duck call that you ordered, engraved with the Cleveland Browns logo and the Lombardi Trophy, is late because the logistics of UPS were messed up by the credit card you gave to Target after you told them you worked at McDonald’s but needed therapy because you sold burgers that your boss told you not to eat under any circumstances short of starvation.

The NSA told me that. Yes, they report to me. Only me, the guy who looks like the leader of Al Qaeda.

So don’t complain about your missing duck call, goddam it. It’s your fault.

But most damning is that you once masturbated – the NSA has proof – therefore you were at that moment super gay for touching someone of your own sex, and thus you are a sinner who should die. I bet you will. But I can only dream of someday.

Speaking of someday, or Sunday, after I go to church and pray that a good percentage of the population be damned to hell, I always come home, eat chicken, and watch football.

I cheer for my favorite team, the Cleveland Browns, but I think God hates them like he hates the people I say he hates. Maybe worse. Unlike those people, the Cleveland Browns never seem to score. It’s almost as if I am as ignorant as a bag of hammers, and I don’t know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 17 NFL Picks By That Duck Dynasty Guy” »

Week 16 NFL Picks In A Letter To Santa

December 19, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

They said there’ll be snow at Christmas
They said there’ll be peace on Earth
But instead it just kept on raining
A veil of tears for the virgin birth
– Emerson, Lake & Palmer

Dear Santa, you cookie-stealing hippie. These week 16 NFL picks are my wish list, along with peace on Earth, and a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl championship.

You’re not going to visit again this year, are you? Tell the truth, for once, you chimney-climbing, commune-living hobo.

browns christmasLook, dude. Can I call you dude? Okay, Nick, listen. Every year, I ask for the same thing: that the Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl, and… wait, it just occurred to me. You don’t even know where I live, do you?

Once again I’ve been nice all year, when I could have / should have  been naughty as hell. It made no difference at all to you, did it? You call yourself, Santa Claus. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear somebody made you up.

But I’ve seen you. At the mall, or riding in a parade, always acting all jollier than thou. You don’t fool me with your talk about how you visit everyone. I’ll grant you that you get good PR, and the perception sells. The red suit was a brilliant branding idea.

But I know how you operate, you breaking-and-entering wizard wannabe. You like the rich kids better. Patriots fans, Broncos fans, 49ers fans, and Seahawks fans are all on your route, aren’t they? Admit it, you even bring presents  to Steelers fans. What kind of saint are you?

Look dude… Yeah, I just called you dude. What are you going to do about it? Not give me a present? Look at me. See that look on my face. It’s not surprise. In fact, it’s bone-marrow sadness. The point is, you don’t understand the effects of decades of ignoring me.

Oh, you do understand.

Well then. If you happen to show up early to my house this year, you are invited for dinner. I am serving venison.

That reminds me. In case you do actually visit, Mr. Claus, sir, I’d like a necktie made out of bacon, and I want a printer that prints warm chocolate chip cookies whenever I say that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 16 NFL Picks In A Letter To Santa” »

Week 15 NFL Picks From Uruguay With NFL Officials

December 11, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

I’m in position, you can’t play me out da pocket
I’ll take the dopest beat you got and I’ll rock-it
– Public Enemy

These week 15 NFL picks are legally stoned and in a Mandela-forgiving, Pope-for-the-poor mood in Uruguay with the NFL officials from last week’s Browns / Patriots game.

These guys crack me up. They smoke a flowery perfume-smelling pot called, “The Tom Brady Effect.” It helped them see “the obvious interference” at the end of last week’s Browns / Patriots game, they said. After I tried it, I voted for Tom Brady for president. The shit is strong.

pot leafstoned interfence

One of these NFL officials, who asked to be identified by the name, “Dudefreak,” said that defense lawyers in Uruguay typically donate a quarter pound of The Tom Brady Effect to jurors, and then have their ax-murdering clients wear a #12 Patriots jersey.

“This is a foolproof legal strategy in Uruguay,” said Dudefreak, who had a giant Patriots logo tattooed on each arm. He paused for a long time while I stared, wondering how the NFL could view him as objective. Casually, he leaned down and packed his #12 black-and-white striped bong, and then he said like some bored hipster, “Long sleeves.”

I know what you are thinking. Why Uruguay? Why not go to Colorado or Washington to smoke legal pot and talk to red-eyed NFL officials about the intricacies of the NFL rulebook? Two reasons, really. The Denver Broncos and Seattle Seahawks. Those teams are way better than the Cleveland Browns, no matter what you smoke. Walter White doesn’t cure that.

Plus Dudefreak knows this guy down here who gets some really good The Tom Brady Effect. This is the new journalism. You are welcome. As you can see, I went all the way to Uruguay just to find out whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks From Uruguay With NFL Officials” »

Week 14 NFL Picks Delivered By Drone to A Browns Fan In New England

December 04, 2013 By: BT Category: 2013 Season

Well, I’m numb as a statue
I may have to beg, borrow or steal
Some feelings from you
So I can have some feelings too
– Warren Zevon

These week 14 NFL picks, delivered by drone from Amazon, fell like a brick from the New England sky and landed on my head, making me cheer for the Cleveland Browns. I obviously have a concussion.

browns fan in NEI would love to cheer for Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. It looks like so much fun. He seems to want to win games. I can’t imagine a quarterback of the Cleveland Browns doing that. It must be super awesome to cheer for Tom Brady, one of the best quarterbacks in NFL history – no exaggeration..

But I can’t. I cheer for Brandon Weeden, one of the worst quarterbacks in NFL history – no exaggeration. I am voodoo cursed. I cheer for the Cleveland Browns.  Did I tell you Brandon Weeden also has a concussion? So does his backup quarterback, Jason Campbell.

My head hurts. Actually, my brain hurts. Ouch! Did I say, “ouch” already? I can’t remember. Besides my obvious drone-induced concussion, the only other plausible explanation for my cheering for the Cleveland Browns is a curse that goes back decades to what I call “the old country” on a plot of land where tomatoes and children once grew, somewhere east of the Cuyahoga River.

During my time in New England, I have watched Tom Brady play spectacular quarterback every week for the New England Patriots while I have cheered from afar for the likes of Weeden, Charlie Frye, and Brady Quinn, to name three of the worst quarterbacks in NFL history.

There are more many more sad names on the list of Browns quarterbacks in the running for worst quarterback in NFL history. The list is so long and pathetic, it is impossible to get through it without starting to sob.

That’s why I am so optimistic this week when the Browns play the Patriots.

It appears I may get to cheer for a new incompetent, indecisive, inaccurate, noodle-armed (but a nice guy) knucklehead off-the-street quarterback, because that’s the best that Cleveland Browns ever put on the field. In fact, they may start a quarterback they signed off of Youtube. This is not hyperbole

Hyperbole is impossible once you know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 14 NFL Picks Delivered By Drone to A Browns Fan In New England” »