I’ve been down on the bottom
of a whirlpool of lies
I ain’t lookin’ for nothin’
In anyone’s eyes
– Bob Dylan
These week 17 NFL Picks would like you to duck back to an ignorant age when everyone knew their place. Back then, the Cleveland Browns place was first. That’s right, a long time ago.
Quack. I’ve got a beard and money. I am the smartest person I’ve ever met Plus, get this, I’ve read one book.
Actually the duck call that you ordered, engraved with the Cleveland Browns logo and the Lombardi Trophy, is late because the logistics of UPS were messed up by the credit card you gave to Target after you told them you worked at McDonald’s but needed therapy because you sold burgers that your boss told you not to eat under any circumstances short of starvation.
The NSA told me that. Yes, they report to me. Only me, the guy who looks like the leader of Al Qaeda.
So don’t complain about your missing duck call, goddam it. It’s your fault.
But most damning is that you once masturbated – the NSA has proof – therefore you were at that moment super gay for touching someone of your own sex, and thus you are a sinner who should die. I bet you will. But I can only dream of someday.
Speaking of someday, or Sunday, after I go to church and pray that a good percentage of the population be damned to hell, I always come home, eat chicken, and watch football.
I cheer for my favorite team, the Cleveland Browns, but I think God hates them like he hates the people I say he hates. Maybe worse. Unlike those people, the Cleveland Browns never seem to score. It’s almost as if I am as ignorant as a bag of hammers, and I don’t know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 17 NFL Picks By That Duck Dynasty Guy” »