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Super Bowl 51 Pick From The Ministry Of Propaganda
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Archive for January, 2014

Super Bowl XLVIII Pick With The Best Mountaintop Guru In The World

January 22, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 Super Bowl

Inside the museums,
Infinity goes up on trial
– Bob Dylan

I did not want to climb up this damn mountain for your Super Bowl XLVIII pick. I am guru-phobic. Plus I am scared of heights, which is why I choose not to participate in the Olympics.

guru picks NFLI had just taken a sip of tea when Maharishi Richard Sherman told Erin Andrews that he is the best guru in the world. That is why I climbed this mountain to ask the guru, “Which team will win Super Bowl XLVIII?”

The guru said that I should not try him with such a sorry question, and then he yelled, “Don’t you ever talk about me!”

Visiting a guru on a mountaintop is the last place I expected to be. But after I by-mistake stole a fortune teller’s tea leaves because I was craving tea, she put a curse on me – which is why I root for the Cleveland Browns, instead of the Denver Broncos or Seattle Seahawks.

I had a couple of solid backup plans. Not on the Cleveland Browns thing. That curse is real, just like tea addiction. richard sherman picks the super bowl

But when the fortune teller refused to reveal the details of Super Bowl XLVIII without her tea leaves, I wasn’t worried because I was positive that my crystal ball would work. Or my time machine. I felt confident, from previous experiences at Walmart and Target, that these products would work for a solid two weeks, maybe three.

The problem with having a lot of tea leaves, though, is that you inevitably throw a tea party and the next thing you know you find yourself hanging out with the kind of people who go to a tea party.

Whoa, don’t look down.

You see, the reason I am here on this mountaintop is that my crystal ball was borrowed by my tea party friends, who smashed it to pieces in order to prove how much they loved it. My other tea party friends convinced me to tune my time machine into Fox News, which kept sending the time machine straight to Armageddon. I had to put the thing in a junkyard.

Tea is very dangerous, a gateway drug. That’s how I ended up at that gateway to the top of the world talking to a self-confident guru.

I did get an answer, after he processed my credit card and did a touchdown dance. And I knew he really was the best guru in the world when he said, “How the hell would I know whatzgonnappen?” Continue reading “Super Bowl XLVIII Pick With The Best Mountaintop Guru In The World” »

Chris Christie’s NFL Conference Championship Picks

January 17, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 NFL playoffs

The highway’s jammed with broken heroes on a last chance power drive
Everybody’s out on the run tonight
but there’s no place left to hide
– Bruce Springsteen

Quit calling me a bully or I will beat you up. Look, these NFL Conference Championship Picks by my Traffic Czar, Richie Incognito, are my gift to you even though you did not endorse me when I ran for the office of Knucklehead.

Christie Traffic JamsHere in New Jersey, where the Super Bowl will be held, I am known mostly by my nickname, Tony Friggin’ Soprano. What you never knew about me, but soon will, is that I am a Cleveland Browns fan.

Did I mention the Super Bowl is in New Jersey?

Does the NFL know how bad I can mess with them?

I know you expected me to root for the Jets, or Giants because they play in New Jersey. But come on. Those teams stink. Yes, the Cleveland Browns stink too. And you really can trust me on this. I am the governor of New Jersey. I know about stink.

My point is twofold: the Giants and Jets are from New York. So that case is simply closed. I hate New York. Don’t you?

Plus, face it, New Jersey is the Cleveland of states, and Cleveland is the New Jersey of cities. Thus, my undying allegiance – short of a heart attack – to the Cleveland Browns. Therefore, I expect the Cleveland Browns to play in and win this year’s Super Bowl. Otherwise, I will shut that puppy down.

Now, can we talk about Benghazi?

Yes, I am hoping to make this press conference last longer than a Bruce Springsteen concert raising money for people that I despise.

So while we are on the subject of good quarterbacks, I am rooting for Russell Wilson because he doesn’t have a perfect body, just like me. He is a bit too short, just like I am slightly overweight.

I’ll take one more question. My answer is, of course I know whatzgonnappen. Continue reading “Chris Christie’s NFL Conference Championship Picks” »

Divisional NFL Playoff Picks From The Polar Vortex Extended-Unemployment Line

January 07, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 NFL playoffs

Ice ice baby
Vanilla ice ice baby
– Vanilla Ice

This is my favorite polar vortex NFL weekend of the year, even though these divisional NFL playoff picks have been unemployed since 1967, when I planned my very first Cleveland Browns Super Bowl Parade.

NFL coldAs the official Cleveland Browns Super Bowl Parade Planner, I have been unemployed longer than any person in America. That’s why I am publicly begging Congress to please extend unemployment insurance. I need it just one more year.

And before you get on my case, yes, I’ve looked for work. Just last week I had a temp job picking the Wild Card games for this column because the guy who runs this place told me he planned to be in churcnfl cold 2h on a bender.

I answered his Craigslist ad and got to pick the games last week. I got exactly zero predictions correct. I was immediately fired – almost as if the people running the Cleveland Browns were also in charge of this column. Don’t even get me started on conspiracy theories.

My point is that I remain unemployed. I am sleeping on a park bench in the middle of a polar vortex for the best weekend of the NFL calendar, the divisional playoffs. Is this any way for America to treat its most optimistic citizens?

It is. Oh, okay.

If you’re going to treat me like that, I am going to nuclear retaliate, just like Dennis Rodman, and tell you whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Divisional NFL Playoff Picks From The Polar Vortex Extended-Unemployment Line” »

Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks From The Official Marijuana of The Denver Broncos

January 03, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 NFL playoffs

But he can’t be a man ’cause he doesn’t smoke
The same cigarettes as me
– Rolling Stone

Hey, Peyton Manning here with a Snapchat of your Wildcard Weekend NFL picks, brought to you by “Elway”, the official marijuana of the Denver Broncos.

petyon manning sells potWhile I don’t smoke marijuana myself, several of my teammates do and those guys are more fun to be around than that doofus, Papa John. For the record, I became a scholar of performance-enhancing marijuana eight years ago.

During the first part of the past 420 weeks, I studied marijuana because there was nothing to do in Indianapolis. And then I moved here and I became involved in the legalization campaign. Yes I did. How do you think it passed? I can sell anything. lines to buy pot

Anyway, I’ve learned that while some brands can cause lethargy or mind-numbness, I know for a fact that more than half of the touchdowns scored in the NFL were helped in some part by Elway. John Elway was the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history. He is my boss.

On the other hand, Elway is the official marijuana of the Denver Broncos. The Denver Broncos are the number one seed in the AFC. In the NFC, the number one seed is the Seattle Seahawks. Guess what is legal in both Colorado and Washington? Yes, Elway. Scientists tell me this is evidence.

Elway is winning weed. I’m Peyton Manning, and this is all on Shapchat in case I’m wrong about these NFL picks, as if that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks From The Official Marijuana of The Denver Broncos” »