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Week 1 NFL Picks Suspended By NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

August 31, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 Season

So you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
– Pink Floyd

These week 1 NFL picks have been suspended for the 16-game season by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell.

In my hearing, he said, “You should have beat up a woman instead of smoking pot before you made your NFL picks. Then I would have suspended you only two games.” Beating up a woman, like Ray Rice did, said Goodell, deserves one-eighth the punishment of someone smoking pot, like Josh Gordon did. It is one-eighth as bad, said Goodell.

Ray Rice elevatorIt was a really weird hearing. So I lit a joint, because we were in Colorado after all. I passed the joint to Roger Goodell, NFL comissioner. Goodell took a puff of the legal marijuana cigarette because we were in Colorado, after all. Then he said that he really doesn’t condone violence against women, it’s just that smoking pot is way worse. Then he exhaled – not a smoke ring, but a dollar sign.Josh Gordon

“Look, someday, some marijuana company – the pot equivalent of Anheuser-Busch – will advertise on our games and give the NFL millions of dollars. Until then, pot is really bad,” said Goodell.

What about beating up a woman? I asked.

“You know, you’re right,” he said. “That is a tough advertising market. Let me rethink this. Okay, I was wrong. From now on, beating up a woman is three-eighths as bad as smoking pot. Therefore, I declare we’re making tremendous progress.”

That’s exactly what happened. Now here’s whatzgonnahappen Continue reading “Week 1 NFL Picks Suspended By NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell” »