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Archive for September, 2014

Week 4 NFL Picks on Super High Terror Alert

September 28, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your world it will creep
– Buffalo Springfield

These week 4 NFL picks are on high terror alert because of an ideology that scares the terror alert for the brownscrap out of me. Every week, well except this week, there is an NFL team that wants to beat the Cleveland Browns.

You can’t even pinpoint where the threat comes from. Week to week, it is a different city that is trying to take down the Cleveland Browns. It morphs. Scary, very scary.

Who are these people? Why don’t they believe what I believe?

Ah screw it. Starting next week, my team will be launching bombs and putting boots on the ground. (Note to FOX, my favorite news network: the word is “boots”. You guys crack me up. Literally. I am cracking up.).

And as you can surely guess, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 4 NFL Picks on Super High Terror Alert” »

Week 3 NFL Picks By Roger Goodell Denying Everything

September 20, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

You got fins to the left, fins to the right
And you’re the only bait in town
– Jimmy Buffett

Roger Goodell here with your Week 3 NFL picks, starting with Thursday’s game when the Falcons beat up the Buccaneers by an ambiguous score of 56 to 14.

Roger GoodellI am not quite sure what is going to happen in that game.

I think the Falcons might win. Maybe by a score of 6 to 3 or something. I won’t really know what’s going to happen unless I watch a video of what already happened. And where am I supposed to find video of an NFL game?

Despite your skepticism, I bet $44 million a year that you are going to blame me  and not the 32 men, the NFL owners, who sent me here to say the Falcons are only going to win by 3. And if you do blame me, and not those 32 men, then I win $44 million a year. (And as I have convinced them, it’s the best $44 million they’ll ever spend.)

So yes, I really thought the Falcons would only win by 3, because the score of 56 to 14 was ambiguous. But then I saw highlights of the game. The highlights were clear, and they were a game changer. The score was ambiguous. The highlights were not.

While the Falcons ultimately did win by a score of 56 to 14, I regret not predicting the correct score once the game was over. It was a mistake, and I am deeply sorry. I have formed a committee and even asked my best friend do an independent investigation into find out why I thought the Falcons would only win by 3, despite having been told the final score.

All I can say, is that the information I had was ambiguous. I got it wrong.

I pledge that I am going to get it right. No, not right now. Specifically, someday. I sure hope you believe that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 3 NFL Picks By Roger Goodell Denying Everything” »

Week 2 NFL Picks Completely Freaking Out

September 13, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Isis oh Isis you mystical child
What drives me to you is what drives me insane
– Bob Dylan

These week 2 NFL picks are worried about members of ISIS playing in the NFL. Most likely, they are running backs. And there is good chance they play for the Baltimore Ravens.

As President Obama said recently, you can’t erase every trace of evil from the world. But we must be vigilant because these NFL players are unique in their brutality.

Oh, he was talking about ISIS, not NFL players. Actually, he calls them ISIL. And the NFL calls their abusers role models. You say tomato, and I say holy crap!Adrian Peterson

Ray Rice elevatorOJ Simpson Trophy hernandez watch 51PeoplRay Lewise want to change the name of the Redskins? Hell change all the names. Who you got this week: the Baltimore Wife Beaters or the Minnesota Child Abusers? Personally, I still love the New England Murderers.

Seriously, NFL, it’s time to create a new award: The OJ Simpson Trophy.

The President said America needs to degrade and destroy the enemy with a comprehensive and sustained strategy. That may work overseas, but it would never work in the NFL Much too powerful.

All terrorists know one thing: barbarism sells. That’s what happens, what happened, and, unfortunately, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 2 NFL Picks Completely Freaking Out” »