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Archive for October, 2014

Week 8 NFL Picks On Vigilant High Canadian Alert

October 23, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

They don’t give a damn about any trumpet playing band
It ain’t what they call rock and roll
– Dire Straits

These Week 8 NFL Picks admit from Canada that no one here knew President Obama created the security breach that allowed the Jacksonville Jaguars to beat the Cleveland Browns last week.

We are saddened by what happened. We are now vigilant. Even the Oakland Raiders frighten us.

CanadaOur heroes at FOX News explained that the loss to the Jaguars was Obama’s fault, just like that recent terror attack on Canada. Obama has been a terrible leader for Canada, and it now seems that almost everyone we know has Ebola, or a couple of terrorists in their family.

There has been a lot of confusion around here. Fans rushing around, wondering if order will be restored. It will. It has to be. Usually order means the Cleveland Browns are on the bottom, but now there is finally a new world order in which the people who terrorized the Cleveland Browns realize they messed with the wrong team.

For instance, it has taken decades but this next game against the Oakland Raiders is revenge for the Browns playoff loss to the Raiders in 1980. Vigilant, eh?

That’s right, the Raiders don’t frighten us. Sure, it’s only been three paragraphs but that’s enough time to laugh at our previous fear. The Raiders are a joke of a threat. Yeah, the Jaguars were too. What’s your point?

Our point is  that we will not be intimidated by these laughable threats because we believe in Cleveland Browns exceptionalism, that everything is Obama’s fault, and especially in whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 8 NFL Picks On Vigilant High Canadian Alert” »

Week 7 NFL Picks From Inside of A Protective Suit

October 16, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Tell me a story
About how you adore me
– The Rolling Stone

These Week 7 NFL Picks are coming from inside the protective suit of my warped perspective, as my favorite football team is about to play its next three games against the Jacksonville Jaguars, Oakland Raiders, and Tampa Bay Buccaneers – combined record, 1-16.

I have a false sense of confidence. It makes me extraordinarily happy.Browns

I feel so secure in my belief that the Cleveland Browns are about to look like the best team in the NFL that I’m sure it will, within weeks, be clear to everyone else that there is no saving me from this fever and these delusions. And that’s fine with me too.

protective suitIf the end comes and I must bury this NFL season as I have every other NFL season of my life, abandoned by the team that I love, I will savor my team from inside of this protective suit, with no peripheral vision to speak of.

Living inside this protective suit is really not that bad. Did you know you can tailgate inside these things. Yep, I’ve got beer in here and I’m cooking cheeseburgers. So frankly, I don’t care whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 7 NFL Picks From Inside of A Protective Suit” »

Week 6 NFL Picks By The CDC

October 09, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Is it murder, is it rape, is it the Watergate tapes
Or a mere hallucination caused by folks from outer space
No, it’s a skinny little boy from Cleveland, Ohio
Come to chase your women and drink your beer
– Alex Bevan

These Week 6 NFL Picks have been quarantined in Cleveland with Yee-Hoyer Disease. It is contagious, and deadly for opponents.

brian hoyer winsThe symptoms start with the grittiness to take any punch. Actually, the symptoms seem to start with taking punches. But then, after a good ass-whipping and pummeling, when you catch Yee=Hoyer Disease, you don’t care what mean people do to you. You fight on. You don’t care what stupid people say about you.

My heroes at FOX News have told me that I should be afraid of Yee-Hoyer Disease, just like I should be afraid of pretty much everything else. The only I don’t currently fear is fear itself. All other things have me terrified.CDC Yee-Hoyer

That’s what’s so freaky about this Yee-Hoyer Disease. I love this disease! Is it a flu, a virus? I don’t know, but the symptoms rock.

I am a Browns fan, so I know how it all ends. There will be heartbreak. It’s just a matter of when, what kind, and to what degree.

But this Yee-Hoyer disease causes fever and weird hallucinations of a Super Bowl parade in Cleveland. Get that doctor away from me! I like this version of whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 6 NFL Picks By The CDC” »

Week 5 NFL Picks By the Secret Service

October 02, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

But I see your true colors
Shining through
– Cyndi Lauper

The Secret Service will not let just anyone read these Week 5 NFL Picks. Well, maybe you over there wearing purple, holding a knife. Can we call you Ray?

We totally believe when you say that there are some things you can cover up, and some that you can’t, and that you like to cut vegetables with that big knife while rooting for the Baltimore Ravens. Sure, go on in. These Week 5 NFL picks have been expecting you for years.

White House IntruderBut the guy wearing red, white and blue, the New England Patriots fan? Nope, you’re not getting in to read these picks. We saw that game on Monday night and we’d be surprised if you’re not completely terrorized and desperate. Obviously we don’t let Patriots fans in here. If you root for Tom Brady, we don’t trust that you’re going to like these Week 5 NFL Picks. You are on the No Read List.Sad Tom Brady

We see an old guy with the face that is sort of silver and blue. Now, he is running with old-guy drunken style frantically across the lawn read these Week 5 NFL Picks. Hi Jerry Jones. Yes, this week you can read these Week 5 NFL Picks.

The Secret Service protects these Week 5 NFL picks. Don’t worry. If we were worried, would we be drinking tequila with strippers right now? So geez, chill out. It’s easy to do what we do, that’s why we do it this way.

Take that Raider fan over over there. The Secret Service means it. Someone take that silver-and-black clad guy away because he is already sure that these Week 5 NFL Picks will predict that the Raiders lose to the bye.

The Secret Service protects Week 5 NFL Picks, which wear the orange and brown of the Cleveland Browns.

And that’s why the Secret Service is sure that Week 5 NFL Picks can defend themselves. These Week 5 NFL Picks are resilient enough to get through anything. Sadly, even modern America, Week 5 NFL Picks get attacked a lot because of the colors. Yes, the Secret Service recognizes prejudice based on colors – especially in this climate.

But no worries. Really. If we were worried, would we be drinking tequila with strippers right now? So geez, chill out. Did we say that already? Sorry. There’s something else important we needed to tell you, but we can’t remember. Oh well.

No matter how many people we let climb the fence and run over to read these picks, we’re not worried because the boss always reminds us: These are not a red Week 5 NFL Picks. These are not a blue Week 5 NFL Picks. These are brown and orange Week 5 NFL Picks.

We tell the boss to trust us about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 5 NFL Picks By the Secret Service” »