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Archive for November, 2014

Week 13 NFL Picks Thankful In A Cool Blue Uniform Not To Be Indicted

November 26, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

I saw a butterfly in hell today
Will I die or go to jail today
– Lil Wayne

These week 13 NFL Picks put on a this cool blue uniform to give thanks for not being charged by a grand jury for picking the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl for each of the last 15 years.

I admitted to it, and there is evidence all over the place that it happened.Turkey police

But the grand jury in its wisdom decided that I picked the Browns to win all those Super Bowls in self defense. I said that I had no choice, and they chose to believe me because I have a cool blue uniform. I couldn’t believe it. I told them that each time I fired off a Super Bowl prediction, I felt that my life was in danger because the season was charging at me.

BrownsSo you know what I did this year, don’t you? I picked the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl again because, screw it, I can do whatever I want. Sure, there are witnesses who saw me pick the Browns all those other years. So?

I did it again because I claim I was scared when I did it. The season was charging at me like a demon.

Did you see how I used the words “charging at me” with such effect? I’ve learned if you use those words and you wear a cool blue uniform, you can do whatever you want.

But you’ve got to wear a cool blue uniform, which is about the same as wearing a blue Dallas Cowboys uniform in the 1990s and hanging out with Michael Irvin, or a blue New York Giants uniform in the 1980s and hanging out with Lawrence Taylor. With a blue uniform anything goes.

However, if you don’t wear a cool blue uniform, you have to obey the law and even some made-up ones by people wearing cool blue uniforms. If you do wear a cool blue uniform, you can do whatever you want and no one cares whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks Thankful In A Cool Blue Uniform Not To Be Indicted” »

Week 12 NFL Picks By An Immigration of Browns Fans

November 19, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Got a dream to take them there
They’re coming to America
Got a dream they’ve come to share
They’re coming to America
– Neil Diamond

These week 12 NFL Picks have come to America with a dream to see the Cleveland Browns win the Super Bowl. Thankfully, the Prognosticator of the United States of America has issued an executive order to make my dream come true.

BrownsSo here I am in America, working the job you wish you had if you had really dumb wishes. I came here from the old country, and I do the hard work – what needs to be done. No one else would lower themselves to root for the Cleveland Browns for the last 20 years as I’ve done. People walk by and laugh. So what, I think. I am in America.immigration of Browns fans

I was once deported. Actually, the Cleveland Browns were deported to Baltimore and somehow returned to Cleveland three years later. I do not understand American laws, which are never fair. Sometimes that is good. Sometimes that is bad.

But now, by executive order, the Cleveland Browns are going to win the Super Bowl because of something called The Dream Act. I love living in America because I watch FOX News, which is a defender of all immigrants who got here two hundred years ago and most immigrants who got here 100 years ago. Two hundred years ago is when the Cleveland Browns last won an NFL championship, according to my Texas schoolbook, from which I learn everything.

As an immigrant, I get confused by American traditions. For instance, why doesn’t everyone root for the Cleveland Browns? If you lived in my old country and you didn’t root for the Cleveland Browns, you really wouldn’t want to know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 12 NFL Picks By An Immigration of Browns Fans” »

Week 11 NFL Picks From a Comet Full Of Stupid People

November 13, 2014 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Whoever we are
Wherever we’re from
We shoulda noticed by now
Our behavior is dumb
– Frank Zappa

These week 11 Picks are one chromosome short of the surface of a comet, where our German telescope can see the future of the NFL. You believe this because you are American and you don’t know anything about science. Plus you love to gamble.

cometSpeaking of gambling, we’ve invited a New England Patriots fan and and MIT professor Jonathan Gruber, who helped engineer Obamacare for stupid people, to obscure the factBrownss of these predictions with spin that will impress stupid people, and by “stupid people,” we mean you if you don’t root for the Cleveland Browns.

The audience for these NFL picks, we’ve noticed, has a high tolerance for leaving the page and never coming back – unless they are brilliant Cleveland Browns fans. It’s not that we’re being condescending, it’s just that we’re pretty sure you have no idea what we’re talking about and even though we don’t either, it doesn’t matter.

Our satellite is sitting on this comet and whether you like it or not – we’re too dumb to notice – we really can see into the future of whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 11 NFL Picks From a Comet Full Of Stupid People” »

Week 10 NFL Picks from the Perpetual Campaign State of Ohio

November 05, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season, Uncategorized

I went back to Ohio
But my city was gone
– The Pretenders

These Week 10 NFL Picks come from Hillary Clinton’s new condo in the battleground state of Ohio, where Cleveland versus Cincinnati shall define the future of the world for the next several years.

Browns versus BengalsOhio, of course, is THE bellwether state – being a virtual little America with all of the elements of big America. And Cleveland versus Cincinnati encompasses all of that. If Ohio is like America, think of Cincinnati as Alabama and Cleveland as Massachusetts. One of these places is smarter than the other.

And while both of these Ohio cities have professional football teams, neither one is the best professional football team in the state. That would be the team in the city of Columbus, the Ohio State Buckeyes, who don’t have to deal with the restrictions of the NFL salary cap. They can pay players whatever they want.

But on Thursday, the Buckeyes don’t play. It’s the Browns versus the Bengals in a game that is, in the words of Lebron James, probably the most important football game ever.

The winner of this game will determine the winner of the presidential election in 2016 when either the Republicans will carry the day with their slogan, “Four More Wars!” or the Democrats will win with their slogan, “We Can’t Agree On A Slogan.” And it should be obvious that that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 10 NFL Picks from the Perpetual Campaign State of Ohio” »

Week 9 NFL Picks; A Midterm Ode To Manning Versus Brady

November 02, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

They told him, Don’t ever come around here
Don’t want to see your face, you better disappear
– Michael Jackson

These Week 9 NFL Picks vote for the Peyton Manning versus Tom Brady rivalry for an Oscar, a Tony, a Grammy, an Emmy, and because we are Browns fans, a Bernie.

We’d vote for both of them for Congress in every race if we could. They sure could quarterback this country, huh? We think Putin would freak if he heard Manning yelling, “Omaha!”

brady versus manningBy we, I mean the shadow corporation backing the LLC that operates the non-profit overseas partnership that controls this website. What’s Gonna Happen is like a cross between the Mafia and the Koch Brothers – a mere barometer of the times we live in. That election on Tuesday? It’s ours.

We have been accused of trying to rig this midterm election. We are not trying.

But our hearts are pure when we bring you this message on the rivalry of Manning versus Brady.

The rivalry spans three teams, two men, and one conference. As the century turned, the rivalry was born, unknowingly to everyone but the script writer and, perhaps, the actors. It has been theatrical, musical; lyrical, and mythical.

Manning versus Brady. You wish your team was part of this.

Let’s say, for some reason, you were a Cleveland Browns fan. Why would we wish this on you? Our hearts are pure…. pure evil.

Yeah, so let’s say you were cursed with rooting for the Cleveland Browns with a quarterback carousel more than twenty names long while Brady and Manning have been the gold standard of a rivalry for more than a decade. If that were the case, you would wish your team was part of this.

Brady versus Manning, both playing great at a midway point of the season is how a rivalry gets to win a Bernie so early every year. Sure, this stuff is rigged. You know it, and we know it. Just don’t tell anyone.

See, we know who wins every election anywhere. The president of your local garden club? That’s us. The vice president of Mrs. Stevens 3rd grade class in Peoria? Us too. We did it the same way we backed all the candidates that will win in Tuesday’s election. We backed them with a campaign strategy of manilla envelopes stuffed with unmarked cash, as this is a foolproof way to make sure you get to say whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 9 NFL Picks; A Midterm Ode To Manning Versus Brady” »