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Archive for December, 2014

Week 17 NFL Picks By The Sony Hackers

December 27, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Under my thumb
The girl who once had me down
Under my thumb
The girl who once pushed me around
– The Rolling Stones

These week 17 NFL Picks have hacked the NFL standings and now the Cleveland Browns are undefeated. Yeah, we’re crazy serious!

We can do anything. Johnny Manziel is now officially a giant among men. That’s right. Don’t mess with us!

So Patriots fans, Seahawks fans, Packers fans…. sorry, but your Internet is down. Plus, and this is crucial for understanding us… We love exclamation points!

Here is a picture of Otto Graham. Otto Graham

Use google, you doofuses! You’ll figure out that great football is Cleveland Browns football. Nothing else matters, certainly not the movie, “Draft Day,” which we should have hacked. But we like the movie, “Giant” because it is about Johnny Manziel.

One more thing. Happy Holidays. Sorry but nothing that you got for Christmas works. Certainly not Johnny Manziel!

And another thing. We’re not North Korean and the Browns aren’t really undefeated. This is  surprising to you, and especially to us.

We are Cleveland-based sports hackers. We can prove it. Although we still don’t have the NFL code figured out, we did the code for Lebron James. You didn’t think that would work, did you?

Okay, that’s not true either. The truth is that we actually work for Justin Bieber. Dude loves vandalism, and he’s a big fan of Johnny Football. He is certain by next year that we’ll have this NFL code figured out.

In one year, Johnny Manziel will lead the Browns to the Super Bowl and Justin Bieber will be the halftime show. This is true. Only a real hack would declare that that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 17 NFL Picks By The Sony Hackers” »

Week 16 NFL Picks From Your Crazy Drunk Uncle

December 21, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Now the family is crazy
And they’re out of their minds
They kick it up a notch at Christmastime
– Steve Shook & The Elftones

These week 16 NFL picks have given you each vodka for Christmas. You are going to be a big hit in third grade, Jimmy! I did this because each one of you is a Cleveland Browns fan.

Browns at ChristmasI can hear you, Jimmy. No, it’s not illegal for you if no one finds out. Just don’t tell your teacher. Do you think Johnny Manziel told his coach he never read the playbook? Of coursse not, Jimmy. Go to school like a Brown!

Just say you decided to be outgoing in January. That’s all she needs to know. One other thing, Jimmy. If you think of Johnny Manziel, don’t vomit when the room starts spinning.

Now, Grandma, of course I’d love to hear you sing “Born To Be Wild.” And yes, the Johnny Manziel jersey helps. In fact, I need a video of this.

And Bob, my least favorite cousin, family member, and human being, I love you. But if you tell me once more, while wearing that Steelers jersey, everything you learned on FOX News, you get no more vodka from me. It’s the Steelers jersey that offends me the most. No touch with reality, dude. You are a moron. I love you! Idiot.

So while you each open your Christmas vodka and we begin our tradition of screaming at each other like my nine ex-wives scream at me and scream at each of their nine ex-husbands, I’d like to thank all of you who I love so much to remember the passionate immortal words of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell: “I didn’t see anything.”

In other words, what happens at Christmas stays at Christmas. Yep, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 16 NFL Picks From Your Crazy Drunk Uncle” »

Week 15 NFL Picks By the Short & Tortured

December 10, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Don’t want no short people
Round here
– Randy Newman

These Week 15 NFL Picks are smaller than any accusations about us – whether by Marvin Lewis or Diane Feinstein. We are small just like our heroes, Johnny Manziel and the CIA.

Sure, we are exciting. But that’s because we are sneaky and slippery – and made for Hollywood. Just like Johnny Manziel, and the CIA.

Johnny FootballYes, news is out that we have tortured our opponents, just like Manziel did in college and the CIA did a decade ago. While the CIA is saying it does not torture any more, and many are saying that Manziel can’t torture anyone in the NFL, we say torture by the arrogant and disrespected is, quite frankly, to be expected.

In his own words, Johnny Manziel has said (well, texted) that he’s going to “wreck this league.” And that was before Marvin Lewis made light of Manziel’s shortish stature. So guess who gets wrecked first.

And the CIA, whose primary job used to be to lie, is saying they don’t torture. So that’s believable, right?

Everything the CIA does is with the justification of stopping a hypothetical ticking time bomb. Johnny Football is no longer hypothetical, and when he throws bombs to Josh Gordon, the enemy is expected to be fearful about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks By the Short & Tortured” »

Week 14 NFL Picks Having Trouble Breathing

December 04, 2014 By: BT Category: 2014 season

Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I’ll be watching you
– The Police

These Week 14 NFL picks can’t breath! These Week 14 NFL picks can’t breath! Once more…  These week 14 NFL picks can’t breath!

That’s how a Cleveland Browns season always ends. The people choking it won’t listen.

Manziel and Hoyer I can't breathWe’ve been holding our breath while the Cleveland Browns vacillated between Brian Hoyer and Johnny Manziel. We have tried telling the people in charge, but they had no concern about all the quarterback controversies that have killed so many seasons in the past.

It’s just another Cleveland Browns season, seems to be the thinking. It’s not like it’s as valuable as, say, a New England Patriots season or a Dallas Cowboys season, right? When it happens to the Browns, no one really notices or cares if it happens again.

But we noticed. We screamed that we can’t breath, and yet Manziel versus Hoyer happened.
The team has always done this to me, but this… right in front of everybody, and then acting like it’s no big deal?

Really? Even non-Browns fans can’t breath. Hardly any Americans can breath any more in an atmosphere where it seems no one knows whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 14 NFL Picks Having Trouble Breathing” »