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Archive for January, 2015

Super Bowl 49 Pick By The NFL Prophet of Belichickistry, Deflated McGee

January 23, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 Playoffs, Super Bowl

Inside the museums,
Infinity goes up on trial
– Bob Dylan

This Super Bowl 49 prediction is by certified NFL prophet, Deflated McGee. I have decided to start the world’s next great religion, Belichickistry.

belichickistryI have no explanation for what happened. But if you’d like to get in on the ground floor of a new religion, listen up. I am interviewing for disciples every day next week in Arizona. If you’d like to be a disciple and want a have great chance at a book contract with thousands of years of royalties, you also should have no explanation for what happened.

For now, I bring you word of a gambler’s paradise, a place so devoid of scruples that the lack of scruples is praised in taverns throughout this land as being extremely scrupulous. The land I speak of is, of course, New England.

I am Deflated McGee, a prophet with deflated balls. Even my crystal balls are deflated. But it matters not. For I am offering spiritual guidance to all of my gambling followers. I am a prophet for profit.

I am not The One, merely a conduit – telling all I have learned in my journey to conference with a spirit beyond – yes, the spirit of a Bill Belichick press conference.Pabst

So when you take your required pilgrimage of Belichickistry to the refrigerator for the first of your sacred ceremonial Pabst Blue Ribbons, please pause a moment to pay homage to my certification as a high-level prophet. I was certified in Las Vegas by prophet-maker Johnny Manziel and his quarterback coach, Jack Daniels.

It was in a Vegas bathroom with Manziel and a rolled up $20 bill that I first heard the phrase, “I have no explanation for what happened.”  Right then, I knew one thing. It was time for me, as a fledgling prophet, to start the world’s next great religion, Belichickistry.  This new religion legitimizes Johnny Manziel.

It is so simple, based on a zen-like focus that allows one to do literally anything as long you never ever stray from the script of, “I have no explanation for what happened.”

A Belichickistry world is my vision of utopia. If my predictions are wrong, I have no explanation for what happened.

deflated footballBut it extends far beyond me and my future reputation as a prophet trying to compete with the established religious brands. Belichickistry is a religion that can save you a lot of trouble up front. All those other religions have that stuff about being nice, whereas Belichickistry is a religion of ignorance as explanation. Anyone willing to offer “no explanation for what happened” can join this religion.

I am Deflated McGee, and I am a NFL prophet. One more thing. Don’t go drawing any cartoons of me. If you do, you know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Super Bowl 49 Pick By The NFL Prophet of Belichickistry, Deflated McGee” »

NFL Conference Championship Picks By FOX News

January 17, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 Playoffs

There’s a lady who’s sure all that glitters is gold
And she’s buying a stairway to heaven
– Led Zeppelin

Boo!  Hi, I am Megyn Gretchen with your FOX News NFL Conference Championship Picks, just in case you haven’t been killed yet.

Lombardi TrophyLet’s go to my guest, the craziest person my producers could find, to bring some perspective to this discussion. But before we get to Skip Bayless…

Boo! Or, if you are a Cleveland Browns fan, Johnny Manziel!

I’m Megyn Gretchen. Look, I have legs!FOX News

So Andrew Luck, Russel Wilson, Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers are playing this weekend, yet no one is talking about Benghazi. This goes to show you about the bias of the mainstream media.

And did you know that Obama tells the referees to make bad decisions because he’s a socialist who wants to spread the wealth around? Well, it’s as true as anything else I have ever told you. So if you believe that, you probably believe this is whatzgonnahappen.  Continue reading “NFL Conference Championship Picks By FOX News” »

NFL Divisional Playoff Picks By An Offensive Cartoon

January 08, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 Playoffs

Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
– John Lennon

These NFL Divisional Playoff picks are from the prophet Mohammed (Muhammad’s drunk twin brother), who was wrong when he predicted the Cleveland Browns would win this year’s Super Bowl.

Prophet Muhammad loves the Cleveland BrownsWhen the prophet Mohammed told a Cleveland homeless guy – I think his name is Elmer – that drafting Johnny Manziel was a divine intoxicated idea, Mohammed and Elmer the homeless guy were wrong. Right then, both should quit vodka.

Not Manziel, though. He needs more vodka. I’ve once heard myself say maybe he plays better when he’s drunk. He certainly didn’t when I was.

So anyway, I have been told that most people who believe in the prophet Mohammed say that he never picked the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl. I was asked if I was insulting enough to think that the prophet Mohammed is the kind of an idiot who would pick the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl?

I shrugged.

Don’t lump us in with those few knuckleheads who have no idea what the prophet Mohammed actually said, said the great majority of voices in my head.

I was told that the prophet Mohammed made clear in his best-selling book that one of the teams below (not the Browns) will be the Super Bowl champ this year.

Please don’t shoot the messenger just because you don’t like whatzgonnahappen Continue reading “NFL Divisional Playoff Picks By An Offensive Cartoon” »

Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks From Your New Year’s Resolutions

January 01, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 Playoffs

Every year is getting shorter
Never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught
Or half a page of scribble lines
– Pink Floyd

These Wildcard Weekend NFL picks hereby resolve to be nice. We are dieting too. Oh hell – you are a jerk, and we want pie.

Okay, how about this… We resolve to pick the Cleveland Browns to win this weekend. They will not lose, say we. We will lose… weight. We are dieting.

Stephen A. Smith & Skip Bayless love the BrownsNo? Well how about resolve to resolve to learn about sports, and not just rely on Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless for our opinions. Yeah, everyone loves that one.

We are on a roll. We resolve that all the money that we win on the bet we bet we made on the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl will be invested in Johnny Manziel-Brand Vodka. The vodka is destined to be a success. The Browns, not so much.

About that. We still resolve that we believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win this year’s Super Bowl. And that’s why my New Year’s resolutions fail by January 1st of every year.

So let me eat this cake, and this pie, and tell you and every other moron out there whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks From Your New Year’s Resolutions” »