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Archive for September, 2015

Week 4 NFL PIcks By Vladimir Putin

September 30, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

I’m back in the USSR
You don’t know how lucky you are, boys
Back in the USSR
– The Beatles

These Week 4 NFL Picks, by Vladimir Putin, will take my shirt off and invade somewhere unless the Cleveland Browns are declared Super Bowl champions.

Putin NFLOkay, fine. I’m going to take my shirt off anyway.

So brownselfwhile I nakedly flex my muscles around you, let me remind you that the Russian people are Cleveland Browns fans. Yes, the motherland loves the dawg pound – because of Johnny Manziel.

I read that TMZ report and let me tell you, as someone who thinks lots of things are f-ed up, not playing Johnny Football makes me want to poison some opponent – you know, theoretically.

While I have your attention, I’d like you to know that my two favorite NFL players were Aaron Hernandez and O.J. Simpson.

I am a peaceful man.

I am Vladimir Putin, and I approved this message. Also, I approved whatzgonnahappen.

Continue reading “Week 4 NFL PIcks By Vladimir Putin” »

Week 3 NFL Picks By Pope Francis

September 25, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
– Joan Osborne

These week 3 NFL Picks by Pope Francis, with pity for the least among us, would like you to pray for the Cleveland Browns. I call for worldwide reforms on how the Cleveland Browns are treated.

I came to the United States because I was told that Johnny Manziel was playing this week for the Browns. So here I am, and now I find out that Josh McCown is playing instead. Jesus Christ!

Pope Francis and the NFLI was going to drive my Fiat to Cleveland and hang out in the dog pound with my new best friend, Donald Trump, while we talked about immigration like a couple of adults with a direct phone line to God.

Instead, I am in Philadelphia. And frankly, even I can’t help the Eagles. Sam Bradford as your quarterback? Now that’s a prayer. Tim Tebow doesn’t even play for the Broncos.

So I know what you are thinking. Whenever a Pope visits the USA, he usually goes to Boston.

I did not go there because the New England Patriots have clear connections to the other side. That first became clear when they pulled off that deflated ball trick, and then blamed it on God. I asked, and even He can’t figure out how they did it. But He is sure they are guilty.

One more thing: I see that Russell Wilson and Aaron Rodgers have been arguing about whether God is a Packers fan or Seahawks fan. Both are laughable. God is a Browns fan. Although he is infallible and all that, he cheers for the Browns as a way to stay in touch with human suffering.

Trust me, God is worried about all aspects of human suffering. He created it. Why wouldn’t he worry about it? But I expect on Sunday when I am in Philadelphia watching a crappy Eagles game on TV with Mike Huckabee, God will text me and ask, “Can you believe Johnny Manziel isn’t starting?”

That’s exactly, swear to God, whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 3 NFL Picks By Pope Francis” »

Week 2 NFL Picks By Donald Trump; Face Judge

September 19, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

I’m goin’ surfin’ cause I don’t like your face
I’m bailing out because I hate the race
Of rats that run around and ’round in the maze
– Weezer

These Week 2 NFL Picks by Donald Trump don’t like your face.

tom-brady and Donald TrumpI like Tom Brady’s face. Tom Brady endorsed me. Tom is the most ethical person who ever married a supermodel. I know about these things. If you endorse me, you will look like Tom Brady or or his supermodel wife, Gisele Bundchen. Only then will I like your face.

When you cheer for a team that isn’t the Cleveland Browns, your face is stupid. Your face should be kept behind a wall. Your face has no energy because your team is run by losers,

On the other hand, the Cleveland Browns, like Trump, are winners. Just as “bankruptcy” is only a word, the Cleveland Browns won/loss record is meaningless “numbers.” Believe what I say, not what you see. We’re going to make America great again, and we’re going to start by making the Cleveland Browns great again.

I’m betting that you can imagine that I can offer tons of specifics about why the Cleveland Browns will be the best team in the NFL this year, despite being demolished in their first game. And you believe that sometime soon I am going to lay out in detail my reasons. I’ve got advisors. I’ve watched Jon Gruden talk on TV. I’ve played Madden.552038033MB00013_141st_Kent

Look, by the time I make these picks I’m going to know more about football than Vince Lombardi knew about knitting. People who I pay – a lot of money, by the way – tell me that I am the smartest person they know and that I know more about the NFL than anyone. Not to be a braggart, but I am probably the greatest person who has ever lived.

I go to church. I don’t really pray to God. I more talk to Him. Give Him advice. I told God that he really screwed up with the aardvark, and I asked how could a guy create both marijuana and Josh Gordon. Not fair, I said, especially for a guy who also created the Cleveland Browns.

Turns out that God is a woman. So, yeah, you should have seen Her face when She told me Whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 2 NFL Picks By Donald Trump; Face Judge” »

Week 1 NFL Picks By Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis

September 08, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

The preacher said, ‘You know you always have the Lord on your side’
And I was so pleased to be informed of this
That I ran twenty red lights in his honor
– Rolling Stones

These Week 1 NFL Picks by me, Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis, are 100 percent correct. It will not matter what happens in the games. I am right.

Trust me. I’ve read one book. I’ve seen one football game. I like one football team.

Gay Marriage-KentuckyWhen God called me the other day on my county clerk red telephone, my God hotline, He told me that the Cleveland Browns would not lose a game this season. That’s what I heard, not the Fax machine noise nonbelievers have said I would have heard from that phone number.

God also told me in that phone call that despite any Earthly evidence I might be presented, I was righteous to believe in my heart that the Cleveland Browns have never lost a game  – ever.

The concerns and feelings of all other fans, He told me in that phone call, did not matter because only my beliefs matter. “Think of yourself as just like Roger Goodell,” He said to me.browns heaven

hotlineSo I, Kim Davis, acting exactly like Roger Goodell. stand up for what is righteous – the Cleveland Browns and no other NFL teams. Well, that’s not what Roger Goodell does. But he should.

There’s not room for anyone on Earth who doesn’t believe as I do. I swear, I’ll go to jail standing up for my religious right to denigrate anyone who isn’t a Browns fan.

What’s that? I’m going to jail for standing up for my religious right to denigrate anyone who isn’t a Browns fan? No, you can’t be serious. That’s not whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 1 NFL Picks By Kentucky Clerk Kim Davis” »