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Archive for October, 2015

Week 8 NFL Picks; GOP Bash The Media Version

October 29, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

So, don’t ask me no questions
And I won’t tell you no lies
– Lynyrd Skynyrd

These week 8 NFL picks think your question about what games I plan to pick in week 8 is remarkably unfair. It is a gotcha question, from the biased media.

GOP bashes the mediaLook, I want to give you my week 8 NFL picks. That is why I write this column. So don’t go asking me what my week 8 NFL picks are. Frankly, my week 8 NFL picks are none of your business.

The media actually has the nerve to think that  the appropriate response to a question is to answer the question. Wrong again! The appropriate response to any question I do not like is to say the question is unfair.

For instance I have long anticipated this next question about why do the Cleveland Browns stink. Just because you look at the scores of the game doesn’t give you a right to question their legitimacy as a great NFL team. Let me tell you some facts I just made up.

Oh never mind. You are too stupid and unfair to understand whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 8 NFL Picks; GOP Bash The Media Version” »

Week 7 NFL Picks by the Benghazi Committee Of Browns Fans

October 22, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

Can’t you see, whoa, can’t you see
What that woman, Lord, she been doin’ to me
– The Marshall Tucker Band

Madame Secretary, these week 7 NFL picks would like to know where were you when the Cleveland Browns were getting slaughtered every week?

Hillary HearingThis committee has one goal. We want you to know that we hate you like we hate the Pittsburgh Steelers. We hate you because when you say you are transparent, you are transparently named Clinton.

As you know Ben Roehtlisberger’s uncle’s next door neighbor’s cousin’s friend’s dog is named Clinton, so clearly you are a mastermind of what Roethlisberger has done to the Browns through the years, right?Ben Roethlisberger

So you deny it? Wow!

We don’t take this action lightly. There are several dead seasons that you need to answer for, Madame Secretary. And while I am here saying these outrageous things in this completely reasonable voice, let me ask you, when the call came in that the Cleveland Browns needed a quarterback, did you approve of Johnny Manziel?

Madame Secretary, when you suggested the Cleveland Browns select Johnny Manziel, did you know whatzgonnahappen?

Continue reading “Week 7 NFL Picks by the Benghazi Committee Of Browns Fans” »

Week 6 NFL Picks By Bernie Sanders, Browns Fan

October 18, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

Well what can a poor boy do
Except to sing for a rock ‘n’ roll band
‘Cause in a sleepy London town
There’s just no room for a street-fighting man
– The Rolling Stones

These Week 6 NFL Picks by Bernie Sanders are sick of hearing about the damn Patriots’ deflated balls and inflated scores.

As I have traveled this great country, I have met thousands of people worried, instead, about the Cleveland Browns. The system is rigged, they say. The Cleveland Browns don’t have a chance.

The real Americans that I have met are demanding that we get to the serious business of the redistribution of power to the less fortunate in the NFL, namely the Cleveland Browns.

I was once asked if I believe in capitalist quarterbacking. Well, I don’t believe in casino quarterbacking. One real American, after hearing that Johnny Manziel is drinking again, suggested the Browns should change their slogan from “Play Like A Brown” to “Drink Like A Brown.”

Bernie Kosar and Bernie SandersIn fact, many of those I have met who are concerned about this issue seem to have drank like a Brown. One person suggested that the team leads the NFL in giving no-name players on the opposing team the best game of their careers. “Look it up!” he shouted, shoving me in the chest, as Bernie Sanders and Bernie Kosarif he was Donald Trump.

The shouting, shoving person actually was Donald Trump, who is a Browns fan and said he plans to vote for me. He said he is doing everything he can to help me win. I believe him.

As you know, I am a Democratic Socialist, which by definition means that I am morally right about most everything but I don’t have a shot in hell to win in America – just like the Cleveland Browns. So I understand where Donald Trump and those like him stand.

I relate. I am sad and delusional, just like all Browns fans.

Ladies and gentleman, the system IS rigged. That’s how I know whatzgonnahappen.

Continue reading “Week 6 NFL Picks By Bernie Sanders, Browns Fan” »

Week 5 NFL Picks By The Next Speaker of The House

October 08, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

Hush hush
Keep it down now
Voices carry
– Til Tuesday

These Week 5 NFL picks would have gotten to speak in this house earlier, but my Volkswagen diesel  needed gas. Then I ate some beans and I had gas.

political footballI am a gasbag, for sure.

That’s how I became the speaker of this house. Now you will listen to me. As the speaker of this house, I understand that you will not do what I ask. Being ridiculed or ignored is how I am always treated when I speak in this house.

But you will at least listen to what I say before you begin calling me names.

You won’t? You didn’t? You called me that?

That’s why I am the speaker of the house, and you are over there on the couch. I’ve been called much worse. Ask the person sitting next to you. That person really hates me.

But I don’t care anymore. For the next month at least, I’m the guy in charge of whatzgonnahappen.

Continue reading “Week 5 NFL Picks By The Next Speaker of The House” »