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Archive for November, 2015

Week 12 NFL Picks By A Turkey Who Wants Revolution

November 25, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

You say you want a revolution
Well, you know
We all want to change the world
– The Beatles

These Week 12 NFL picks by a turkey suggest that all turkeys are Cleveland Browns fans, just as all Browns fans are turkeys.

Stick with me here, because this is about to get newsy. So, you know how Turkey just shot down a Russian fighter jet?

turkey revolution, because of MomDo you think it is a coincidence that this happened just before Thanksgiving?

Turkey. Violence against humans… you do the math.

We are turkeys, and we are pissed.

Plus (speaking of math) we hate your little thankful holiday where you all sit around and pretend that you don’t have decades old grievances simmering inside.

You want to know about a grievance? First pass the gravy because my family is about to have your Mom for dinner. How’s that feel, pilgrim?

Here’s a grievance worse than seeing your relatives served with cranberry sauce – this week the Cleveland Browns benched the greatest quarterback who¬† ever lived, Johnny Manziel. And yet, in the now famous video that cost him his job, Johnny Manziel was nowhere near any kind of turkey, even Wild Turkey.

Meanwhile, the people who run the Browns have been called turkeys, but that’s an insult to turkeys. So you can see how this has all built up to this moment.

All I can say is happy Thanksgiving to you and your family (well, except your Mom), from me and my family (well, except generations of relatives). We don’t know how this is going to end but it’s safe to say that at this time of year we’re afraid of whatzgonnahappen.

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Week 11 Picks Refusing Refugees of Browns Fans

November 20, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

Somewhere, somehow, somebody
Must have kicked you around some
Tell me why you want to lay there
And revel in your abandon
– Tom Petty

These week 11 NFL Picks, after consulting with governors of the 31 other teams, have decided not to accept Cleveland Browns fans as refugees.

Yes, we have seen the pictures of their despair. And we understand that cheering for almost any other NFL team would improve the lives of these folks immensely, and spare them weekly torture based on their religion.

But frankly, these people can’t be trusted.

Browns refugeesThey have been second-class citizens for so long that some Browns fans, we’re sure, are liable to have a Brady Quinn flashback, or worse yet, a Charlie Frye flashback in the middle of a perfectly fine NFL game. Can you imagine the type of havoc a disgruntled Browns fan could cause at something like a New England Patriots party?

No? Okay, allow us to imagine it for you and then tell you about it 24 hours a day on our cable news channel, FUX News.

We are, in fact, so fearful of these Cleveland Browns refugee fans that we’re with candidate Donald Trump when he suggested that all of them be forced to wear an orange helmet on their clothing.

We understand that this crisis has been a long time coming and that it was our own actions of allowing the team to move to Baltimore that started this. But these are the consequences of a displaced people who find they have nowhere to go except anywhere else.

Browns fans have not cheered for an actual NFL team for decades, therefore they are different and suspicious. Because of them, we are continually worried about whatzgonnahappen.

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Week 10 NFL Picks by Campus Protesters

November 13, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

We don’t need no education
We don’t need no thought control
– Pink Floyd

These Week 10 NFL Picks from the campus of Cleveland Browns University demand that everyone step down who runs this sorry excuse for a college. I have been here for decades, and I have not learned anything.

Cleveland Browns University protestsThis offends me.

I am so offended that I wanted my football team to go on strike. But it turns out that the football team at Cleveland Browns University is already on strike.

From what I have heard, they don’t like to play football.

So I talked to my bartender/professor about this. Here at Cleveland Browns University, bars count as classrooms.

This explains the curriculum.

My professor said “It is what it is” and then he assigned me to think about this for a long time.

But I felt a need to take action, which is why I am chanting next to that guy over there with his 12th-generation “The End Is Near” sign.

He knows whatzgonnahappen.

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Week 9 NFL Picks By Peace On Earth

November 05, 2015 By: BT Category: 2015 season

Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
– John Lennon

These Week 9 NFL Picks are bought to you by Peace On Earth, which, just like the Cleveland Browns defense, does not exist.

But since I am Peace on Earth, I have made a ruling in the Russian Airliner disaster, which was, in the words of David Cameron, “more likely than not” caused by a bomb.

Peace on Earth“More likely than not” is the same phrase that the NFL used when it accused Tom Brady of cheating. More likely than not Tom Brady had something to do with underinflated footballs, said the NFL. And then they tried to suspend Tom Brady for four games.

Therefore, we suspend ISIS for four wars.

That should work, right?

And since we are Peace On Earth, we need to address the saddest peaceful place on Earth, a place with an actual factory of sadness, manufacturing reams sadness on a weekly basis.

That’s not peaceful. That’s mean.Jonathan Q. Football

But to the rescue of the city of Cleveland comes one Jonathan Q. Football, better known as Johnny Football, who is the kind of hard working, hard drinking hero a town like Cleveland needs. Wait, Cleveland’s hero doesn’t drink? All its fans do. Ah, no wonder the factory of sadness is the last factory still standing in town..

Well, as Peace on Earth, I say that factory of sadness should be torn down, and a factory of happiness should be built instead. Yes, I am Peace on Earth and, as you may have already figured out, what I want to happen is not whatzgonnahappen.

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