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Archive for September, 2016

Week 4 NFL Picks Through Trump-Colored Glasses

September 27, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Mental wounds not healing
Who and what’s to blame
I’m goin’ off the rails on a crazy train
– Ozzy Osbourne

These week 4 NFL picks went to a tremendous watch party at the Trump Dive Bar on Liar Street in the sketchy fun part of downtown Bullshitville, where I was served a huge Cleveland Browns word salad and Analytics brand baloney.

Right off I agreed with Mr. Trump that the Cleveland Browns have been getting ripped off in trade deals. “The Carson Wentz trade deal was a disaster,” he said. “Wins went over the border into Pennsylvania because our leaders are idiots. It was a huge disaster.”

I was as undecided going into the debate. But Mr. Trump had me with each loud sniffle. His sniffle reminded me of parties I attended in the 1980s with guys just like him. Okay, I didn’t know anyone like him. But in the 1980s, everyone knew someone like him, am I right?

trump-debates-glueAll I remember about that decade is that Browns quarterback was Bernie Kosar, and he was actually good. It all made me think that maybe I picked the wrong decade to quit sniffing what Mr. Trump is maybe still sniffing. But maybe not. He just looked sniffly. Maybe.

I was thinking a lot about sniffing when Lester Holt tried to say that Mr. Trump was in favor of drafting Kellen Winslow Jr. over Ohio native Ben Roethlisberger. Big Ben was drafted by the Browns bitter rivals, the Pittsburgh Steelers, and has become a superstar. Mr. Trump said told biased Lester Holt that he actually supported selecting Big Ben.

Then Crooked Hillary Clinton held up a photo that she claimed got from “another of Donald’s victims.” The photo was of Mr. Trump giving a motorcycle to Kellen Winslow Jr. that Trump signed, “I hope you drafted by the Cleveland Browns instead of Ben Roethlisberger, who is a loser.”

Fact checkers have pointed out that Winslow ruined his knee early in his career in a motorcycle accident.

Mr. Trump called facts, and fact checkers part of a media conspiracy.

I believed Mr. Trump. He spoke with passion

You know who else speaks with passion? Hue Jackson, coach of the Cleveland Browns. Trust me, said Jackson. I do. I trust Jimmy Haslam too. I am a good judge of character.

Mr. Haslam and Mr. Trump are at least as ethical as each other, maybe even less so. That’s a lot of ethicalness, am I right?

I wasn’t listening when Crooked Hillary pointed out that Cody Kessler played an entire game for the Cleveland Browns without getting hurt, proving that analytics work. “I received an email explaining all of this to me,” she said. “You can read about it on the Wikileaks website.”

I was about to go to this website when Trump interrupted, “Cody Kessler is a loser. He lost.” Again, with the straight talk. I listened further.

Mr. Trump’s plan to get the Cleveland Browns to become a winning team is to win more games. How come no one else has ever thought of this? I like how specific this guy is about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 4 NFL Picks Through Trump-Colored Glasses” »

Week 3 NFL Picks, Birther Edition – Case Closed

September 21, 2016 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

Lie to me
And tell me everything is all right
– Johnny Lang

These Week 3 NFL Picks declare that the Cleveland Browns, much like myself, were born in hell, period.

I am not going to answer any questions about my previous 17 years spreading the rumor that the Cleveland Browns were an NFL football team, born in the NFL. They are, instead, the spawn of Satan. I should know. Period.

With my USFL experience torching a team and a league into the ground, I personally approved and perpetuated the great lie that the Cleveland Browns play anything resembling an NFL brand of football. It’s called marketing. It’s hilarious, isn’t it?trump-usfl

I don’t apologize. Many people told me the Browns were an NFL team.

While commentators such as Rachel Maddow and Stephen A. Smith pointed out that actually only person with many voices in his head actually said this about the Browns, I know that you don’t care about facts as long as I say “terrific” or “amazing” or “winner,” talk about a conspiracy, and then gleefully call someone a vile name.

Tom Brady is a winner. He is terrific. He is amazing. Do you understand? The system is rigged. Oh, and Hillary Clinton is like the Cleveland Browns. Yeah, that’s right. That’s an insult that even I think is too low, but I said it anyway.

Did you know that Hillary Clinton started the rumor that the Cleveland Browns were an NFL team? For all you know, this could be true. Believe me, folks, it’s true. No, the Browns aren’t an NFL team. Ha. I mean Hillary started it. Believe me.

trump-helmetHillary started it. Yes, this is first grade again.

My point is, and believe me, I have one, is that if you have believed that the Cleveland Browns have been an NFL team all these years, then you know how bad things are in America.

Yes, I’ve been the one saying it.

The point is, we need to build a wall to keep out Pittsburgh Steelers fans, with their weird way of dressing and their foreign beliefs. I am saying we need to profile fans based on what they wear.

When I become Prognosticator of the United States of America, we’re going to make the Cleveland Browns great again. In fact, I am looking for some low-wage Mexican linebackers. I always said, maybe some of them are good people.

That’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 3 NFL Picks, Birther Edition – Case Closed” »

Week 2 NFL Picks, Cough! – Deplorable

September 13, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

I’m Mr. Bad Example, take a look at me
I’ll live to be a hundred and go down in infamy
– Warren Zevon

Cough! These Week 2 NFL Picks feel dizzy.

Don’t tell the media or anyone. From now on, I will only communicate by email. Call me the email female. I’ve been called worse. I’ve heard you call me worse.

hillary-collapsesMy point is that I am not backing down from when I described all (not half) of Cleveland Browns quarterbacks since 1999 as “a basket of deplorables.”

These quarterbacks have been touchdown-phobic, victory-phobic, health-phobic, you name it. But what they really were was poison to the well being of Cleveland Browns fans who, at this point, would just like to hammer out a peace agreement with the rest of the NFL.

I am not being grossly generalistic. I am being specific about generally gross quarterback play in Northeast Ohio for almost two decades.

It is not hyperbole to call this behavior extremely offensive. There is a track record of this group of people discriminating against fans of the Cleveland Browns. It’s not even subtle, the stuff they do.robert-griffin-iii-hurt

One guy called himself “Johnny Football” while drinking margaritas in the huddle. When Brandon Weeden showed up in Cleveland, he deliberately left his brain in Oklahoma. Tim Couch arrived in town with a name that rhymed with “Ouch.”

The stuff they wear, the flags they fly… it’s all deplorable.

One guy wore a Brady Quinn jersey. Can you imagine?

Catch me! I am so dizzy that I am falling.

I thought I was falling for Robert Griffin III. I was wrong. I was just falling. I know my recent health problems have confused you. It’s really nothing. The lithium-ion batteries that I run on overheated. That is all.

So does that mean these week 2 NFL picks are going up in flames? That could be whatzgonnahapen. Continue reading “Week 2 NFL Picks, Cough! – Deplorable” »

Week 1 NFL Picks By Colin Kaepernick

September 07, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

I shot the sheriff
But I swear it was in self defense
– Bob Marley

==

You are not getting week 1 NFL picks from Colin Kaepernick until the Cleveland Browns are treated better by the rest of the league.

Look, I know you came here for NFL picks. I can hear the National Anthem as a prelude to the start of the picks. But my brain is in no better shape than Teddy Bridgewater’s knee.Kaepernick

My brain suffered a non-contact injury thinking about the presidential election. It was after my injury that I thought those pig socks were a good idea.

Still, I am glad you are paying attention to me. And I know you want me to protest in a different manner – a manner in which you wouldn’t have to pay attention.

But as I told Hillary Clinton in an email, receiving $12 million to play backup quarterback is my own hardship. But this isn’t about me or any of the clandestine Goldman Sachs work that I’ve done for the Clinton Foundation.

This is about the abuse of lesser teams in our league.

Sure, my 49ers are just as woeful as the Cleveland Browns. I don’t care at all about that. If we can’t make the Cleveland Browns great again, what’s the point of my being a double agent for the man who is as orange as the Browns helmet, Donald Trump?

Yes, that is right. Just as I am half black and half white, I am working for both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton because, with these two as our choice, no lives matter. And the truth is that every day, like you, I change my mind on who I dislike more.

browns jerseyIt’s like trying to pick a Cleveland Browns starting quarterback. There are no good choices and no matter what you do, you know the season is going down in screaming ball of flames.

This is why I am more concerned about the Browns than the 49ers.

If I was concerned about the 49ers, I probably wouldn’t be the lead story on the CBS Evening News. Instead, I am concerned about America – specifically the portion in Northeast Ohio.

Since we are in the season of conspiracy theories, try this one on: I am hoping to force my way out San Francisco so I can go to Cleveland and become the Browns next failed starting quarterback. Pretty good, huh? Someone call Alex Jones.

The National Anthem just ended. It’s time for me to stand up and tell you one more conspiracy theory. When I was working for Trump, I helped Tom Brady deflate those footballs. Then I worked for Clinton and told Roger Goodell.

That’s when he laughed and said, “You’re not going to believe whatzgonnahappen.” Continue reading “Week 1 NFL Picks By Colin Kaepernick” »