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Archive for October, 2016

Week 8 NFL Picks From An October Email Surprise

October 29, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

You can’t hide your lyin’ eyes
And your smile is a thin disguise
I thought by now you’d realize
There ain’t no way to hide your lyin’ eyes
– The Eagles

Boo! This Halloween, we’ve gone nuclear. These Week 8 NFL picks are dressed as an October surprise. No, not a Cleveland Browns win. This isn’t fiction.

hillary-fbiI am sending you this top secret confidential email that I expect neither the FBI nor the Russians to read because I am concerned that Wikileaks may have a transcript of my very lucrative speech to the Cleveland Browns when I recommended taking a quarterback with the number 22 pick in the first round of every NFL draft.

At the time of my speech, the Clinton Foundation was doing charitable work for the saddest fan base on Earth. And we do good work. Look what we’ve done for Cubs and Indians fans. But, not all of it is successful although it all is pretty damn lucrative.

Anyway, I’d obviously prefer that some transcripts of my speeches, like when I spoke about why Gus Bradley is a great coach, don’t get out there. I’m all about keeping secrets. I have a public face, a private face, and a game face. That’s how I roll.

So don’t worry, this email will never make the news. I’m very careful. Just ask my IT guy, Vladimir. He’s the bare-chested guy on the horse.

trump-helmetThis Halloween, as the orange-helmeted among you do the easy thing and dress as my orange-haired opponent, I’d like to remind you that election day really is trick or treat.

Only there’s no treat. It’s a giant trick. You might even say it’s like turning a trick.

The other costume I considered before settling on an October surprise was dressing as America on the day after the 2016 presidential election. But the muskets were sold out.

Of course, this is all between you and me, and not the Russians or the FBI.

So please, whatever you do, keep this email as secret as the Browns formula for winning. No one has ever seen that.

And while no one apparently ever will see the Browns plan for winning, it has come to my attention that some of my emails in the past may have been hacked and then sent, wrapped in a red Russian bow, to Donald Trump. That, I believe, is what has happened with the Browns winning formula. It has been stolen by the Russians.

That’s why I fear this election may be rigged, unless it isn’t, which I also fear. One of those is whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 8 NFL Picks From An October Email Surprise” »

Week 7 NFL Picks Rigged By The Lamestream Media

October 21, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Sunday papers don’t ask no questions
Sunday papers don’t get no lies
Sunday papers don’t raise objections
Sunday papers ain’t got no eyes
– Joe Jackson

As a card-carrying member of the lamestream media, these week 7 NFL Picks, know exactly how the media rigs everything using facts.

For instance, according to the lamestream media, the Cleveland Browns lost the first six games of this NFL season. I refuse to accept those results because I know how the conspiracy works.

Media riggingThe Cleveland Browns are winners. The media refuses to accept it. But I know better. Sure, I am in danger of getting kicked out of the lamestream media for saying it, but I am positive that 0-6 doesn’t feel true. Still, I know how it works.

It works like this. Every Wednesday at noon, we in the lamestream media go to Anderson Cooper’s house for bong hits and tiny sandwiches, and then we listen to a guy from from Wells Fargo tell us what to rig. For some reason, Wells Fargo doesn’t like the Cleveland Browns.

Bernie Kosar’ supporters had this figured out back in the 1980s when the Browns were losing AFC championships in back-to-back years to the John Elway’s Denver Broncos.

The idealistic Bernie people like to quote their favorite source of news, Wikileaks, in which emails show, shockingly, that politicians play politics and the Browns are not allowed in the Super Bowl. It should not be that way, say the Bernie people. They are so darn cute.

When we in the lamestream media gather one day a week at Anderson Cooper’s house, after beer pong is over, we spend the rest of the afternoon rigging stuff. It’s pretty much all the media does. Once in a while, we might send a reporter to talk to the mayor about potholes, but usually it’s 24/7 rigging. That’s why these meetings are so important. That and the tiny sandwiches.

All the news everywhere, especially the fact-based stuff by the lamestream media, is rigged. In the media, we always know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 7 NFL Picks Rigged By The Lamestream Media” »

Week 6 NFL Picks From The Locker Room

October 14, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Don’t you want me?
You know I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me
– The Human League

In this locker room, when I brag about my week 6 NFL Picks, I am just trying to impress my new campaign manager, Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby and I were talking in the locker room how we are both impressed that the Cleveland Browns brought in Art Briles, who is experienced at covering up sexual assault allegations, to help coordinate the Cleveland Browns offense. This is huge.

donald-trump-bill-cosbyBill Cosby and I both know how to coordinate an offense, believe me.

Don’t believe the media who lie, lie, lie – using my exact words. The media will attack you, slander you, and seek to destroy you with facts in the same way that they slander the 0-5 Cleveland Browns for being a losing team.

These people are vicious liars and they work for Hillary Clinton, or the Pittsburgh Steelers, or the devil – probably all three. I would like to put anyone who thinks that the Cleveland Browns are a bad football team in jail. The way I read the Constitution, it says I am allowed to do just that.

Bill Cosby told me that my assaulting your intelligence by predicting the Browns would beat the New England Patriots last week would work just fine if I then denied that I made such a prediction.

Picking the Browns to beat the Patriots last week… that was just locker room talk.

This week when Tom Brady was asked about me, he showed class by walking out of his press conference. I don’t have that in me. Not class or restraint.

If you ask me about anything, I will attack you and call you names. That’s my thing. It’s what I do.

For instance, I will sue you if you say that I, who always pick the Cleveland Browns to win, picked the Cleveland Browns to win. I deny it, and anyone spreading such slander should expect to hear from my lawyers. Believe me, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 6 NFL Picks From The Locker Room” »

Week 5 NFL Picks Explaining Epic Losses Reported By The NY Times

October 04, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Mental wounds not healing
Who and what’s to blame
I’m goin’ off the rails on a crazy train

– Ozzy Osbourne

The recent New York Times report disclosing that these week 5 NFL picks have chosen the Cleveland Browns, who always lose, to win every week since 1999 proves that I am a brilliant prognosticator.

In fact, many people are saying that I am brilliant for picking the Cleveland Browns, a team that always loses, to always win. It’s got to be obvious to anyone who is not a fat pig with blood coming out of her whatever. I am a brilliant businessman and prognosticator, and the women love me.ny-times-trump

My brain is huge, like my hands, bigger than anyone else’s tiny pathetic loser brain who thinks they see through my bullshit. No one sees through my bullshit. My bullshit is bulletproof. Did I mention I am brilliant?

As my angry butler, Rudy Giuliani, said, picking a team that always loses to always win proves that I am a genius.

Browns.jpgWhile the Browns have lost almost every game since 1999, I have merely been using the laws of our country to my advantage. Sure, the fans, players, and nearby businesses, except for bars frequented by Johnny Manziel, have suffered enormous physical, emotional and financial stress because of my actions and that of the Cleveland Browns.

Check it out. I am so brilliant. My huge brain convinced fans that the Browns had a chance to win because the plumbers, drunks and drug addicts on the team wore NFL-sanctioned uniforms. It’s hilarious, isn’t it?

The Browns, of course, never had a chance to win. So I went to Atlantic City before I bankrupted it, and I bet on the Browns to lose every game from 1999 until now. Let’s face it. I was betting on the team to lose because I like to talk about winning, but I usually win when everyone else loses.

I am brilliant. And I have a huge, very charitable heart. Huge, like my brain and my hands. My genius of picking the Browns to win every week when they lose uniquely qualifies me to know that the 0-4 Cleveland Browns are going to beat the 3-1 New England Patriots. Believe me.browns-biggest-loser

Sure, the Patriots never lose twice in a row, and they just lost. And yes, the greatest quarterback of all time is coming back to play for Patriots while the Browns are playing a third string quarterback with less name recognition than Lindsey Graham. Cody Kessler is not, ahem, Otto Graham.

If this was celebrity apprentice, Tom Brady would be the celebrity and Cody Kessler would be the apprentice.

Tom Brady is my best friend. We do everything together. Like Tom Brady, my junk is tan. I want you to think about that when you go in to vote.

As you ponder that, let me assure you that the Cleveland Browns are going to beat the New England Patriots. I am the only one in the world who knows how they are going to do it.

I’ll tell you this. On defense, they they are going to build a wall. It’s going to be a great wall, and the Patriots are going to pay for it. And on offense, the Browns are going to bomb the shit out of them. Trust me, that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 5 NFL Picks Explaining Epic Losses Reported By The NY Times” »