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Archive for November, 2016

Week 12 NFL Picks From Bait & Switch University

November 24, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

In the garden I was playing the tart
I kissed your lips and broke your heart
You, you were acting like it was the end of the world
– U2

These Week 12 NFL Picks just settled a $25 million fraud case against me. I have advised betting on the Cleveland Browns to win every week since 1999. What is fraudulent about that advice?

Nothing. It’s fantastic advice. I have won a lot of money off of people who have taken that advice. I am a brilliant businessman.

Still, I settled the case because I have more important things to do. brownself_thumb.jpg

I am now reviewing Broadway musicals. I have reviewed one play so far. I didn’t see Hamilton. I hated it.

If you would like to bet a large amount at the Trump University Casino on the Browns winning this year’s Super Bowl, you can earn a Master’s degree in ‘Thank You Very Much’ from Trump University.

Anyway, as your Prognosticator-Elect, I would like to wish everyone who voted for me a Happy Thanksgiving. And for those who didn’t vote for me, chill out. I didn’t mean anything I said.

Here, have some white meat.

It should be obvious by now that everything I ever said was a giant bait & switch, including this week’s game between the New York Giants and the Cleveland Browns. The Giants are from New York, which has Broadway and the show ‘Hamilton’, which I hear is highly overrated. There should be a fraud case against Hamilton.

trump-diplomaThe people in the show were much ruder to Mike Pence than a defensive line is to a Cleveland Browns quarterback. You want show tunes? Those people will be singing in the rain on the other side of the wall in a couple of months.

The cast of Hamilton… gone! The New York Times… gone! The San Francisco 49ers and Colin Kaepernick… gone!

And oh yeah, the Pittsburgh Steelers, Baltimore Ravens and Cincinnati Bengals… gone! Over the wall! That’s my plan to make the Cleveland Browns great again.

So yeah, Trump University totally recommends that you place all your money on the Cleveland Browns winning all their games for the rest of the year.

If you would like to bet a large amount at the Trump University Casino on the Browns winning this year’s Super Bowl, you can earn a Master’s degree in ‘Thank You Very Much’ from Trump University. It would be an honor for you to get it, and certainly an honor for me to stick it to you.

Did I say ‘stick it to you?’

I never apologize. That’s whatzgonnahappen.  Continue reading “Week 12 NFL Picks From Bait & Switch University” »

Week 11 NFL Picks By A Protester – ‘Not My Picks’

November 16, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

But if you want money for people with minds that hate
All I can tell you is brother you have to wait
Don’t you know it’s gonna be
All right, all right, all right
– The Beatles

These Week 11 NFL picks would like to say these are not my NFL picks. Somebody else voted for them.

The things said in these NFL Picks are deeply offensive to me. The Cleveland Browns are going to win? Really? Insult my intelligence some more, why don’t you?

Not My NFL Picks

The worst part of the election is that these are now going to be the official NFL Picks because of the Electoral College. I’ll tell you what. I’d like to see the Electoral College play Ohio State, and see what happens. That’s how the election should have been decided.

So yeah, I am protesting in the exact same way that those Tea Party people protested eight years ago when these NFL Picks said that the Cleveland Browns were going to win.

Wait, what?

Could it be that we have more in common than either of us think?

Nah, that couldn’t be. That would disrupt my entire belief system as well as the income streams of the cable news networks that feed me and those on the other side our belief systems. The Browns can only stink because the other side is at fault. That’s the rules.

But it does seem a coincidence that the Browns stunk 16 years ago and changed plans and I protested, and then they stunk eight years ago and changed plans and you protested, and they stink now and they changed plans again and I am protesting.

So okay, I’ll stop protesting. I am willing to give the crazy man a chance to make the Cleveland Browns great again.

Wait a minute, he just appointed who?

I’m going back into the streets because, frankly, I am terrified of whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 11 NFL Picks By A Protester – ‘Not My Picks’” »

Week 10 NFL Picks By An Angry Midwestern Voter

November 09, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Oh, a storm is threatening
My very life today
If I don’t get some shelter
Oh yeah, I’m gonna fade away
– The Rolling Stones

These Week 10 NFL Picks voted for Donald J. Trump because the Cleveland Browns have not won a game all year.

You should have known how desperate we are here in Ohio when we took a baseball guy and put him in charge of our football team. We are willing to try crazy, and at this point we don’t care what anyone thinks.

This was a vote with our middle finger. No, we didn’t think it though. Except for the middle finger part. We’ve been pondering that for decades.

president-trump-in-ohioThe elitists on the east coast and the west coast with their real NFL teams that win actual NFL games look down on us as flyover territory as they look down on the Browns as a walkover team.

This is a depressed area, and no one has paid attention for a couple of generations. We especially don’t care what anyone using the condescending ‘rest belt’ metaphor has to say about this place that once had a great football team to root for, and is now reduced to cheering for the disaster that is the modern Cleveland Browns.

So to get revenge, we paid extra close attention to this election and then decided to ignore many, many facts because, well, our middle finger is about the only thing we have left to say.

The Browns have worked in the system. They tried a defensive coordinator as head coach. They tried an offensive coordinator. They tried a college coach. They even tried a general manager who urged fans to root for Buffalo.

Nothing worked. Same with our economy here. Democrats. Republicans. Once every four years, what you call the rust belt is important for a minute because maybe there’s a Super Bowl team from Green Bay or an election,  and then we are fodder for comics. Well guess who’s laughing now.

Okay, we’re not laughing either. We just realized what actually happened.burn-it-down-browns

Do we believe Donald J. Trump can fix everything? No. But we’ve been devastated by trade agreements here. Have you heard of Johnny Manziel?

Sure, many of the things Donald Trump says are deplorable. And, in fact, a lot of other people who voted for him really are quite deplorable. But not us. All of our friends, who look very much like us, tell us so.

All this talk completely misses the point. Many of our jobs have left. Once, even our NFL team left.

Ignoring us for decades has led us to do something so crazy that it made sense until now, when it’s too late and we actually think about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 10 NFL Picks By An Angry Midwestern Voter” »

Week 9 NFL Picks From The Edge Of The Apocalypse

November 05, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

And you tell me
Over and over and over again my friend
That you don’t believe
We’re on the eve of destruction
– Barry McGuire

These Week 9 NFL Picks would like to congratulate the one-term president that America is about to elect and then most likely impeach. You may as well be the coach of the Cleveland Browns.

The next president has as much chance of legally getting through four years in office as a Cleveland Browns coach has of keeping the job for four years.

apocalypse BrownsOne is certain to be impeached in the first 100 days in office. The other is likely to tear up the Constitution and throw out the whole four-years-in-office thing altogether.

For Browns fans, this election is akin to a choice between current owner Jimmy Haslam, who is a borderline criminal, and former owner Art Modell, who made a deal with the Russia of the NFL, Baltimore, and then encouraged Baltimore to annex the Browns. Which it did. (See: Baltimore Ravens).

This one is easy. I have to go with the borderline criminal over the traitor.

But having just voted for the lesser of two evils, I am worried that the greater of two evils is going to win, the same as has happened in every Cleveland Browns game this year. The Cleveland Browns are 0-8.

Meanwhile, the Cleveland Indians just lost an epic World Series to a team that hasn’t won since Teddy Roosevelt was president. And the Cleveland Cavaliers are World champions. David Bowie is dead. These are signs of the Apocalypse.

So say hello to President Donald J. Trump. Unless Hillary Clinton wins. In either case, I fear America is not going to enjoy whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 9 NFL Picks From The Edge Of The Apocalypse” »