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Archive for December, 2016

Week 17 NFL Picks Saying Goodbye To 2016

December 28, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

News guy wept and told us
Earth was really dying
– David Bowie

These Week 17 NFL Picks would like to take one final time to say goodbye to David Bowie, the United States of America, and the Cleveland Browns year-long losing streak.

All will be missed in their own way.

david-bowieThe Browns began the year by pinning their hopes on fragile-as-glass Robert Griffin III, who was last good during the first Obama administration. And now, after the most emotional win an 0-14 team could ever have, the Browns are pinning their hopes on the football season ending.

It’s been that kind of year. Heroes died, an unstable authoritarian was elected president by folks educated from Texas schoolbooks, and one win out of 15 games is what my favorite NFL team called “their Super Bowl.” It seemed like reality cracked.

The NFL, which throws the American flag and the military and God and how much they care about women in our face during every game, sure showed their moral compass this year. goodbye-2016

The all-knowing league suspended Tom Brady for four games for doing something that they can’t prove, suspended Josh Gordon indefinitely for smoking pot, which is legal in several states in America, and allowed Tyreek Hill, who beat up his pregnant girlfriend, to run around scoring touchdowns for the Kanas City Chiefs.

Old acquaintances, like that year-long losing streak and common decency, must be forgotten. As the season and the year mercifully come to an end, we soon realize that as bad as 2016 was, there’s another year coming.

In 2017, just imagine whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 17 NFL Picks Saying Goodbye To 2016” »

Week 16 NFL Picks By ‘Give A Browns Fan For Christmas’

December 21, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

Everybody having a good time except you
You were talking about the end of the world
– U2

These Week 16 NFL picks would like to suggest that you give a Cleveland Browns fan as a gift to any loved one having a tough day.

You could send a Cleveland Browns fan over their house to sit in the corner and make your loved one feel better about their own predicament.

owen-16This is a great gift for fans of all other NFL teams, as well as anyone who is still freaking out about the election.

The end of the world is coming? Cheer up, you could be a Browns fan.

Sending a Cleveland Browns fan over someone’s house is probably the nicest thing you can do for anyone’s self esteem.

It really is the perfect gift. All you have to do is feed the Browns fan some pizza and a lot of beer, and occasionally listen to some pathetic story about Bernie Kosar and when the Browns were good enough to not get to the Super Bowl.

browns-ornamentIt’s a weird story and no one outside of Cleveland seems to understand, but if you bear with with this one glitch in the design of the perfect present, you’ll be glad you did.

It is literally impossible to have a bad day when you have a Cleveland Browns fan sitting in the corner, mumbling to himself.

These are scary times in America. Many NFL teams are not very good. Some are very bad. But if you give a Cleveland Browns fan as a gift, your loved ones, no matter how tough their day or how bad their team, is sure to smile at their circumstance.

In fact, get one for yourself, and you’ll smile at whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 16 NFL Picks By ‘Give A Browns Fan For Christmas’” »

Week 15 NFL Picks By The Russians

December 20, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

I’m back in the USSR
You don’t how luck you are, boys
– The Beatles

These Week 15 NFL Picks, using information from the Russians, waited until after all the games were played to make a prediction. I only got one wrong.

I would also like to thank the the Russians for hacking the Week 14 NFL Picks last week. Based on information from the Russians, that fool picked the Cleveland Browns to win.

Meanwhile, the Russians have used Julian Assange to steal secrets from the CIA, who then found out that the Russians did all this just because they have it in for the Cleveland Browns.

russian-hackerSo follow along… Vladimir Putin used to run the KGB. The last time Johnny Manziel was seen as a member of the Browns, he was in Las Vegas wearing a blond wig and fake mustache and telling everyone his name was “Billy.” This is KGB-like behavior.

Think about it. The last time the Cleveland Browns won, Johnny Manziel was their quarterback.Money-Manziel.jpg

It all adds up to the Russians.

And I would care except that President-Elect Trump has picked me to be Secretary Of Forecasting.

I have been picking the Cleveland Brown to win every week since 1999. They have lost almost every week since 1999. The Browns have lost every game this season. Clearly, I am the best candidate.

Who could be better to forecast what is going to happen than someone who has been consistently wrong. I know how losers think. So now that I am part of team Trump, I’ll pick winners. You see this, right?  Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks By The Russians” »

Week 14 NFL Picks From Under A Tin Foil Hat

December 10, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

What do you get for pretending the danger’s not real
Meek and obedient you follow the leader
– Pink Floyd

These week 14 NFL picks are wearing the most outlandish tin foil hat I can find outside of a red one that says, “Make America Great Again.” Yes, it’s a Cleveland Browns hat.

That means that I believe the Browns are in the NFL.

tin-foil-hatSo don’t tell me that my tin foil hat isn’t the best. I know where you eat pizza.

And now I’ve read the CIA report that the Pittsburgh Steelers have been interfering in the operations of Cleveland Browns. That must be why the Cleveland Browns have not won a game in a year. Outside meddling.

But just because this hat is made of tin foil doesn’t mean that I think Robert Griffin III is a franchise quarterback. the-end-of-Browns-season-is-near.jpg

I am a realist.

For instance, under this in foil hat I’d like to believe the that the Electoral college is not going to elect Donald Trump as the last President of the United States of America. But I am a realist.

That’s why I believe the Cleveland Browns are going to win the Super Bowl. And I believe in Santa Claus.

But I don’t believe crazy crazy stuff like thinking that Donald Trump cares more about working people than Saturday Night Live.

I am a tin foil hat optimist. You want fake news? The Cleveland Browns are the best team in the NFL. Don’t research it. Just share.

If you do, just imagine whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 14 NFL Picks From Under A Tin Foil Hat” »

Week 13 NFL Picks From The Fake News

December 03, 2016 By: BT Category: 2016 Season

What do you get for pretending the danger’s not real
Meek and obedient you follow the leader
– Pink Floyd

These Week 13 NFL Picks have been curated by the KGB and by Alex Jones of Infowars for their veracity. In other words, this bullshit is completely false.

But since you won’t bother to check, this bullshit is completely believable to a smart good-looking person like yourself.

See, we know you don’t care about facts. So neither do we. We are picking the Cleveland Browns to win this week, and they don’t even play. At least they will not lose. So in reality, that’s a win.

And you can’t lose with fake news as long as you don’t ask any questions. browns-cat

Here is a picture of a cat. Now please share this crap.

Did you know the Pittsburgh Steelers are named so because they steal victories unfairly? It’s true. Many people are saying so.

The New Orleans Saints are not actually saints. I know, I know. Believe me folks. And yet the New England Patriots are patriots. I love Tom Brady and he loves me. When Mitt Romney was governor, Tom and I were married. Then we each met models. I’m just telling you what I heard.

The NFL draft is unfairly biased towards those who can tell the difference between star quarterback and a drunk guy floating on an inflatable swan. Everyone knows that, just as everyone knows that the scoring system in Cleveland Browns games is biased towards teams that score more points.

fake-newsEverything is unfair and rigged.

If things weren’t rigged, the Cleveland Browns would have won every game this year, but millions of points were scored illegally. No, I don’t have any proof. I am saying so. Now many people are saying so. What other proof do you need?

I know that you are pretty sure I am completely full of shit, but I also know that I have created a shadow of a doubt inside of you. And I will continue do do so for the next four years.

In four years, the Browns might win the Super Bowl. Or the world might end. Anything could happen.

So don’t think about whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks From The Fake News” »