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Week 2 NFL Picks, Curated by Sarah Huckabee Sanders
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Archive for September, 2017

Week 2 NFL Picks, Curated by Sarah Huckabee Sanders

September 17, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

These week 2 NFL picks have been curated by White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who then declared them to be a fireable offense.

I think she said this because last Friday I predicted that the Patriots would lose the game that they lost they day before. The White House, all big Patriots fans, declared my prediction of the actual score from a game that already happened to be fake news, offensive, and a fireable offense.

I thought I was stating facts, but the White House said there are “many sides” to the score of 42-27. It is hard to argue with that.

And so I have just fired myself, at the request of the White House. Instead, I will be filing these columns from Breitbart News, where I have an office next to my new best friend, Steve Bannon, who told me long ago that the President reads Whatzgonnahappen more often than he reads national security reports.

I think that Bannon, like me, is a Cleveland Browns fan and, in fact, an orange nationalist. Well, he may have meant something different when he said, “orange.” Okay, we are not exactly alike.

Like Bannon, I still talk to the President two or three times a week. So when I informed him that I had fired myself, he seemed both pleased and angry with me and added, “I’d like you to be the last person I talk to before I make a decision.” Since he is famous for holding the opinion of the last person he talked to, I agreed.

“So on North Korea,” he said, “You and me. We’ll figure out whatzgonnahappen.” Continue reading “Week 2 NFL Picks, Curated by Sarah Huckabee Sanders” »

Week 1 NFL Picks By A Dreamer

September 10, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

You call me a fool
You say it’s a crazy scheme
But this one’s for real
I already bought the dream
– Steely Dan

These Week 1 NFL Picks, dreaming of a Cleveland Browns Super Bowl, do not understand why anyone wants to send dreamers to Mexico.

Can I get Browns games on TV in Mexico? If not, what good is my dream?

Am I native born? How do I know? I don’t even remember being born. I just know that my nationality is Cleveland Browns fan, and I have been dreaming of a Super Bowl championship for my whole life. Thus, I am a dreamer. No?

But now I am told I have to go to Mexico even though I went to school here and learned all about history, such as Jim Brown and Leroy Kelly and Otto Graham. So tossing me and others like me out seems wrong, almost like moving a team to Baltimore.

Joining the resistance is most likely futile considering that my dreams have been dashed for, well forever.

I am a dreamer whose dreams are now for the Cleveland Browns to move to Mexico City, or something. I am actually unsure of why I am being kicked out of the country. Is it because my dreams have never come true?

Still, NFL Picks like these are a unique job created in America. Is this country seriously going to ship a good job like this to Mexico? Is that whatzgonnahappen? Continue reading “Week 1 NFL Picks By A Dreamer” »

2017 NFL Season Picks – Apocalypse Not Now, Please

September 02, 2017 By: BT Category: Uncategorized

He was taken to task by some critics who asked, Do you write the words or lyrics first?
– Michael Stanley Band

These 2017 NFL season Picks, certain that the Cleveland Browns will win the Super Bowl, if there is a Super Bowl, are afraid of a crazy man on Twitter, whatever Twitter is.

I have heard that World War III is likely to start on this Twitter thing, which would probably cause the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win to be cancelled. That would be sad for Browns fans.

If there isn’t a nuclear war, the second escape hatch from some crazy thing I just heard about called, impeachment, is civil war. I am not good with history but I think this plan has something to do with people attached to a statue of Benedict Arnold.

A civil war might also cause the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win to be cancelled. To reiterate, that would be sad for Browns fans. The Cleveland Browns play in a place officially called, The Factory of Sadness. They do not need any more sadness by not playing in the Super Bowl they are going to win just because of a couple of stupid catastrophic wars.

As you can obviously tell, these 2017 NFL season picks are printed on fine stock paper and have been delivered to your doorstep by my friend named… well never mind about that. He’s not from this country.

This brings me back to Twitter, something I have not seen because I have never been on the Internet. By holding this nice stock of paper in your hands right now, you are probably also the type of person who wonders what Twitter is.

It turns out that a crazy person lives there, right on Twitter.

My friend, Pedro told me that there is a crazy, semi-literate man on Twitter who wants to get rid of people like himself. Did I say Pedro? Never mind about that. Pretend I said name like, I don’t know, how about Donald?

Tom Brady eating grilled unicorn.

Anyway, having heard about this thing called Twitter and this crazy man who uses it during his very emotional 5 a.m. bowel movements, I am even worried about the President of the United States favorite quarterback, Tom Brady.

Tom Brady, on a diet of acorns, seaweed and grilled unicorn, is playing at 40 and has shown zero signs of the aging that has affected every other quarterback in NFL history before they hit his age.

He is the President’s favorite quarterback. So my hope is that the President of the United States can stop the crazy, semi-literate buffoon on Twitter from setting off a nuclear war, which would cancel the Super Bowl that the Cleveland Browns are going to win. I want Cleveland Browns fans to be happy, or at least alive this Super Bowl.

Maybe the President can get the nutjob I heard about off of Twitter. Or maybe he can at least get the sad, failing, fake news, lying’, low-energy, crooked, dopey overrated guy to tweet, “Browns will win Super Bowl. No war, nuclear or civil. I am going to read a book. That’s whatzonnahappen.” Continue reading “2017 NFL Season Picks – Apocalypse Not Now, Please” »