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Archive for October, 2017

Week 8 NFL Picks From A Grassy Knoll

October 28, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

I shouted out,
Who killed the Kennedys?
When after all
It was you and me
– Rolling Stones

After more than five decades, secret files have been released showing I acted alone making these Week 8 NFL picks. Or did I?

Ever since the early 1960s, conspiracy theories have floated as to what exactly happened when the Cleveland Browns last won a championship. After that moment, our innocence died. Things would never be the same again. And for decades the government kept these juicy details locked away.

But now we know that the then new Browns owner, Art Modell was already secretly meeting with city officials in Baltimore with his now-clear plan to move the Browns to Baltimore three decades later.

We also know that starting in the 1999 and probably continuing to this day, the parents of future Browns quarterbacks have conspired to produce a mediocre quarterbacks, 28 and counting. This is like the Da Vinci Code, only it is called the Spergon Wynn Code.

As soon as they won their last championship in 1964, they began a spiral that started in the next championship game with a 65-12 thrashing from the Green Bay Packers.

Soon they’d be losing to the Dallas Cowboys in championship games. Dallas, of all cities. Something else historic happened in Dallas in the early 1960s too. I can’t remember what.

But the Browns were done winning championships by the early 1960s. The Browns started losing championship games to Dallas, and Green Bay, and the Baltimore Colts, who later moved to Indianapolis, which was part of the conspiracy.

Don’t say “Baltimore” around me. I’ve got a few conspiracy theories. Hello, Alex Jones…

And President Trump is part of it. Why do you think he’s keeping some of it secret. He signed Brian Sipe from the Browns for his goofy USFL when Brian Sipe was playing like an NFL MVP.

And everyone now knows, because of the released files, that Trump was planning that since the early 1960s when he was bored one November afternoon while cleaning his NRA-approved gun on a grassy knoll in Dallas.

And so, given history, you never know whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 8 NFL Picks From A Grassy Knoll” »

Week 7 NFL Picks, You Know What You Signed Up For

October 19, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

I can tell by your coat, my friend
you’re from the other side
There’s just one thing I got to know
Can you tell me please, who won?
– Crosby, Stills and Nash

These week 7 NFL Picks would like to express some awesome condolences to Cleveland Browns fans for all the losing. If you cheer for the Browns you know what signed up for, but I guess it still hurts.

Sure, every week I tell you they are going to win and every week they lose. I know it was actually me who told you they were going to win, but you signed up for it. Plus if you accuse me of predicting the Browns would win, I’ll deny it.

When you choose to root for that particular NFL team, you have chosen a team that may lose from now until eternity. You don’t see me cheering for the Cleveland Browns, do you?

I root for the New Jersey Generals, because I love generals.

So is this the greatest expression of sympathy ever, or what? I rate it a 10 out of 10. You won’t see Peter King or Mike Florio giving you Browns sympathy like this.

No NFL writer in the history of NFL writing has expressed such tremendous condolences. Not even Mark Twain or Shakespeare, when they covered the NFL, were as sympathetic to the plight of Cleveland Browns fans as me. And the Browns sucked during their eras too.

I know my facts. Hemingway covered the glory years. Other than that, there has been centuries of losing. Pathetic losing. My competition covering the Browns is not Peter King, it is Stephen King.

You know. You cheer for this horror show, right? It’s sad! You’re sad!

Seriously, am I the best or what?

Oh, you ARE sad? Yeah, well. That stinks. I mean it stinks for you.

Your team drafted Brady Quinn, Brandon Weeden and Johnny Manziel, all in the first round all within five years. And they all sucked, and you still root for the team. You know what you signed up for.

So have a great day. I’m now going to forget about your troubles and go golfing. Again and again, that’s whatzonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 7 NFL Picks, You Know What You Signed Up For” »

Week 6 NFL Picks Without Health Insurance

October 15, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Doctor, doctor, give me the news
I’ve got a bad case of loving you
– Robert Palmer

These Week 6 NFL Picks suffer from a pre-existing condition called, Rooting For The Cleveland Browns.

There is no cure. Pharmaceutical companies have invested millions of dollars looking, but to no avail.

So when the President of the United States, working in conjunction with the leadership of the Cleveland Browns, took away the subsidies that pay for the treatment that doesn’t cure me, I was thrilled.

This is all true. None of it is fake news. Everyone knows that the President is obsessed with the NFL, and that he loves Ohio but hates the Browns. He has hated the Browns since he owned the New Jersey Generals and signed Brian Sipe.

And he has been working hard in recent years to make sure the Browns didn’t draft Carson Wentz, and didn’t draft Deshaun Watson, because he hates the Browns.

After convincing Jimmy Haslam that the best guy to run a football team is a baseball guy, the president gutted my health insurance with the NFL-specific purpose of making me suffer because he hates the Browns.

But he didn’t do his research. He can’t make the suffering worse. Can he? Please tell me that’s not whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 6 NFL Picks Without Health Insurance” »

Week 5 NFL Picks, Full of Thoughts & Prayers

October 07, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Every day your memory grows dimmer
It doesn’t haunt me like it did before
I’ve been walking through the mirror to nowhere
Tryin’ to get to heaven before they close the door
– Bob Dylan

These week 5 NFL Picks, having done no research, would like to thank you for your thoughts and prayers after my horrible picks last week when I picked the Cleveland Browns to win.

This week, I am picking Browns. Yes, the Browns again. Every week, I pick the Browns and every week the Browns lose, and then you offer your thoughts and prayers.

Golly, thanks.

You have no idea how comforting that is, or is not. Seriously, you with your thoughts and prayers, who have never cheered for such a team ever, have no idea of this pain. Do you?

And while I have repeatedly asked for your help in learning about football, you said that now was not the time for me to learn the rules of football or what exactly a quarterback does.

That is a conversation for sometime in the future. That is what I have been told ever since I first asked.

Yet every week when I get the picks wrong, people are horrified. 

The Browns, again? Yes, the Browns again.

At this point, I can’t even remember why I am picking the Cleveland Browns to win again after so many horrible losses when my pleas for help are continually ignored. But I do.

It’s what happened, and forever it’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 5 NFL Picks, Full of Thoughts & Prayers” »