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Archive for November, 2017

Week 12 NFL Picks From Uncle Bob’s Thanksgiving Table

November 22, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

You didn’t have to love me like you did
But you did, but you did
And I thank you
– ZZ Top

Uncle Bob, please pass these week 12 NFL Picks the gravy. And some hope. Good God, please pass that too, Uncle Bob.

No, Uncle Bob, I don’t want to hear about how “those people” are ruining America, unless you are talking about Jimmy Haslam, Sashi Brown and Hue Jackson. Then, Uncle Bob, you are right. And thank you for the gravy.

Let me ask you something, Uncle Bob. Why am I always so sad? No, I don’t think Aunt Martha ruined the turkey, Uncle Bob. I mean always. Every week, I try not to be sad, and every week on Sunday, I end up so darn sad. Why is that, Uncle Bob?

Do you think I have fallen in love with the wrong football team, Uncle Bob? What if the Cleveland Browns and I weren’t meant to be together?

I hate to bring up this emotional stuff at a family dinner while you are carving the turkey, Uncle Bob, but I honestly think my football team doesn’t love me, and it hasn’t loved me for 20 years. (Sobs) Why am I so sad, Uncle Bob?

No, Uncle Bob, I am not sad because Aunt Martha nags you about all that inappropriate stuff you do and say. I am sad because Deshone Kizer likes to throw to the ball to the wrong team in the wrong uniform. That’s inappropriate.

You see, Uncle Bob, I am not thankful for anything anymore. The coach of my football team thinks the general manager of my football team is an incompetent nerd. The general manager of my football team was the one who hired the incompetent coach who thinks the general manager is an incompetent nerd. The owner is most likely a criminal, while history tells us that any random homeless guy may be running the team next year.

This is the team that I worship, Uncle Bob. I always give it my full faith. Do you see how I am so sad?

And, Uncle Bob, your President hates my country. That’s also why I am so sad. I know, I know, I spent all that time talking about my religion, and now I am talking about politics. Everything is just so sad.

But go ahead, Uncle Bob, carve your damn turkey and give your damn thanks.

I say thanks for nothing. In fact, I refuse to eat until the Cleveland Browns win another game.  Um, on second thought, Uncle Bob, I’ll have a drumstick.

If I wait to eat until the Browns next win, starvation is whatzgonnahappen Continue reading “Week 12 NFL Picks From Uncle Bob’s Thanksgiving Table” »

Week 11 NFL Picks And The Tax Conspiracy

November 19, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Dirty deeds, done dirt cheep
Dirty deeds and they’re done dirt cheap

These Week 11 NFL Picks have learned that the new tax bill means the New England Patriots can write off Tom Brady but the Cleveland Browns must pay full taxes for DeShone Kizer.

This tax bill also means I can now write off my private jet but I cannot write off the school supplies I buy for the third grade class that I teach, well indoctrinate really. History stops in 1964 in my class. And in math, up is down which means my students believe the Cleveland Browns are currently undefeated.

What? This is America. I can choose my facts and then freely indoctrinate others based on my alternative facts. I saw it on FOX News, and in the White House, and on Breitbart, and well, Facebook.

And while I am almost never concerned about the little guy, who wouldn’t be little if he just tried harder to be big, I do have a soft spot for the Cleveland Browns. It’s sort of how President Trump feels about UCLA basketball players getting caught shoplifting in China. I wouldn’t tolerate this behavior, and would mock this behavior from anyone else.

But because I like sports, I am hoping the Chinese government, or whoever has been holding the Cleveland Browns in NFL jail since 1996, grants them the freedom to not just exist, but to win.

What has always been unclear to both myself and my hero, Alex Jones of Infowars, is why the Deep State, the Chinese government, and President Trump are spending all this energy conspiring to keep the Cleveland Browns down?

I asked Julian Assange of Wikileaks, but he said he was currently busy worshipping at his altar of Donald Trump, and he added that he doesn’t know anything about conspiracies.

So the Cleveland Browns are nine losses into their first nine games, and the NFL has finally decided to offer a tax rebate that has been due for a few years now, Josh Gordon. Oh wait, he’s still not here yet. He has been promised before.

Never trust the government, or Roger Goodell. They play favorites. And when that happens, everyone then knows whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 11 NFL Picks And The Tax Conspiracy” »

Week 10 NFL Picks, The Allegations Are True

November 12, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Playoffs

You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain
Too much love drives a man insane
You broke my will, but what a thrill
Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire
– Jerry Lee Lewis

These Week 10 NFL picks have just received a copy of an astonishing apology issued by the Cleveland Browns to their fans for years of inappropriate behavior.

“The allegations are true. We have totally screwed the fans for years against their will,” said the beginning of a press release by the Cleveland Browns.

The most the team has ever said in the past was the rote, “We apologize to anyone we may have offended with our horrible football.”

But this was an explicit admission. The team screwed the fans.

Okay, this is fake news. The Browns have not admitted anything.

They have instead cited the Bible and the story of how Joseph drafted Bernie Kosar on his way to Bethlehem, or something like that. The Cleveland Browns ever-evolving explanations for why they screwed the fans against their will are a bit difficult to fathom.

And yet, denial is not just a river in Egypt. It is the official policy of the Cleveland Browns, who deny screwing anyone or anything up.

All is going according to plan with the Browns just as in Washington DC and Hollywood, where no one has ever screwed anyone against their will.

Considering that things never change, it’s now clear whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 10 NFL Picks, The Allegations Are True” »

Week 9 NFL Picks Under Indictment

November 02, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Well you’re where you should be all the time
And when you’re not you’re with
Some underworld spy, or the wife of a close friend
– Carly Simon

The recent indictment of the Cleveland Browns season is fake news to these Week 9 NFL picks. The Browns don’t lose every week. They won’t lose this week.

Sure, some members of the staff may have colluded with the Philadelphia Eagles to deliver the best quarterback in the league to that team. And, okay, they may possibly have also colluded with the Houston Texans to deliver the most exciting rookie quarterback ever to that team.

But there has been no collusion, believe me.

Other teams are bad. It’s not just the Cleveland Browns. The San Francisco 49ers are bad. Wait, what? The 49ers just traded for who? The Browns wanted him. Or maybe they didn’t want him. Either way, NO COLLUSION!

There has been no collusion. The coaching staff can’t even work with the front office. Never mind what’s going on on Twitter.

And while there has been absolutely no collusion whatsoever, believe me, it’s apparent to anyone living in a white house in Cleveland, Ohio or even anywhere in the country that someone very high up is about to take a big fall.

Because if there was any collusion it’s the NFL colluding against Josh Gordon, who smoked pot and was suspended a total of 56 games while the standard suspension for domestic violence is six games. That’s not fake news. It’s just sad!

Under circumstances such as these, it’s so simple that anyone who has ever heard of a white house, knows that what should happen is probably not whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 9 NFL Picks Under Indictment” »