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Archive for December, 2017

Week 17 NFL Picks From The Glue Factory That Was 2017

December 30, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

I was dreamin’ when I wrote this
Forgive me if it goes astray
But when I woke up this mornin’
Coulda sworn it was judgement day
– Prince

These Week 17 NFL picks have made a New Year’s resolution to begin sniffing glue again.

Trying to process everything that went wrong in 2017 has my brain moving as slow as a three-year old $700 iPhone – it is essentially useless.

For instance, my favorite NFL team, the Cleveland Browns, play every game as if there is a law against winning them winning. And as a fan, I also assume that law exists.

But in fairness, some things actually went better than expected. The President of the United States did not start World War III, and he did not start a new civil war. Both were totally unexpected.

But mostly, this year stunk as bad as every one of my predictions that the Cleveland Browns would win, which they never did.

The never-ending wars did not end, every human I know is living through a 7-inch screen, and the intentions of our President are as pure as the contents of Steve Bannon’s liver. And then there is the Cleveland Browns decision to keep coach Hue Jackson, who has pulled off a record of 1-30 in his Browns coaching career so far. The factory of sadness is now a nuclear power plant.

America has been made great again by doing a great redistribution of wealth from the poor back to the rich, where the money obviously belongs. The President continues to threaten North Korea like he is a bully in a schoolyard, while the Browns have blown up their front office after vowing they would not blow it up.

The truth is flexible, but losing is not. And so here I again predicting that the Cleveland Browns will win, this week against the junior varsity for the Pittsburgh Steelers. I am a blind squirrel. I expect to find an acorn this week.

But I have a full container of glue ready, next to a keg of beer, a bottle of Jack Daniels, a pack of Lucky Strikes, a Bible, a Pentagram and my cell phone where I am staring in fear into a 7-inch screen, fearing the next Tweet and wondering now Whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 17 NFL Picks From The Glue Factory That Was 2017” »

Week 15 NFL Picks & The End of Net (and all) Neutrality

December 14, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

Fight the power
We’ve got to fight the powers that be
– Public Enemy

These week 15 NFL Picks love the new system for the NFL draft, in which the Super Bowl champion is rewarded with the first pick in the NFL draft.

It will create incentive for loser teams like the Cleveland Browns to win. It will trickle down, like just wealthy pee on their poor heads. It is a Donald Trump fantasy, and it is real.

And while every American, whether they want to be or not, is part of the President’s fantasy life come true, there is nothing quite like being a loser in his world.

On the other hand, he can be so outrageous and entertaining on Twitter that it’s worth it and, well, as he said, the Browns deserve this. Browns fans deserve this. I deserve this. My team hasn’t won Lyndon Johnson was in the White House.

Everything continues according a decades-long plan that feels like it was dreamt up by a James Bond villain with an eyepatch and one arm who lives on an island with the monkey he has trained to pick quarterbacks for the Cleveland Browns. It is the same monkey that wrote the tax reform and the last few GOP health care bills.

As a loser, I know this is both logical and fair. So just after I say, thank you, I’ll meekly ask, now whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 15 NFL Picks & The End of Net (and all) Neutrality” »

Week 13 NFL Picks From The United States Of Schadenfreude

December 01, 2017 By: BT Category: 2017 Season

You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down, you just stood there grinning
– Bob Dylan

These Week 13 NFL picks, drinking strong vodka lockherups with my best friends, General Michael Flynn and Matt Lauer, can see Dr. Schadenfreude enjoying my misery as the Cleveland Browns sit at a perfect record of 0-11.

Rejoicing at the misery of others is the new American thing to do, isn’t it?

Well, I’ve got news for you and your joy.

My Cleveland Browns misery is older and deeper and wiser than your newfound happiness upon discovering my sadness, so just move on to taking joy in the the misery of someone who hasn’t rooted for a team in the midst of a two-decades loser streak.

It’s beyond a losing streak. It’s a loser streak. There’s a difference. Ask President Trump, who keeps losing but calls everyone else a loser. That’s how it works if you are him, and only him.

On the other hand, the Cleveland Browns are losing and they are losers.

My point is, your schadenfreude means nothing to me. I live for sadness. The city I grew up in has built a factory of sadness. Yes, it is a literal factory from which they ship sadness to me every week.

As we enter the worst month of both the year and the football season, December, it is important to remember that everything that has come before means nothing.

The plan moving forward is to make things worse, by providing false hope, a couple of meaningless wins led by probably the best wide receiver and criminal in America. And then what?

It’s sort of like impeaching a president only to have him start a nuclear war. Not that that could happen.

But in Cleveland, Josh Gordon will leave for the New England Patriots or Dallas Cowboys and carve out a Hall of Fame career while the Browns and their meaningless wins will make the team fall short of drafting the franchise quarterback they so desperately need.

I’ve seen the script. So leave me to be miserable alone because, sadly, I know exactly whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Week 13 NFL Picks From The United States Of Schadenfreude” »