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Super Bowl Pick 52 Pick From A Dilly Dilly Refugee Camp
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Archive for January, 2018

Super Bowl Pick 52 Pick From A Dilly Dilly Refugee Camp

January 25, 2018 By: BT Category: Super Bowl

This Super Bowl 52 Pick comes from the scene of another senseless murder, a Super Bowl party where someone has been killed for saying the words, “Dilly, Dilly” one time too many. It is happening across America.

Things are worse at the violently contested border of fake news and real mirages, the exact place where Tom Brady’s hand was once amputated and Nick Foles is a Super Bowl quarterback.

There are refugees in the border area – stunned and without hope, almost all of them wearing Johnny Manziel Cleveland Browns jerseys.

Oh the humanity! So many Manziels staring with dead eyes.

“We could have drafted Carson Wentz,” said one of the refugees, smelling like cheap beer and despair. “Wentz was so good that he got injured so Nick Foles could go to the Super Bowl.”

“We could have drafted Tom Brady!” said another one of the refugees. “But we had to have Spergon Wynn.” That refugee, now an adult, started cheering for the Cleveland Browns as a young child. He is one of the dreamers you read about in the news.

“We could have drafted Nick Foles,” said a mentally challenged man wearing a Brandon Weeden jersey.

The United Nations, not to mention the NFL, has abandoned these people.

The Super Bowl is for the elites. Tom Brady has been in the Super Bowl eight of his 16 years in the NFL. This is his second time playing in a Super Bowl against the Philadelphia Eagles. The Super Bowl is, essentially, Davos.  

There is barely a word here about the refugees. Not even the refugees from recently vanquished cities, such as Jacksonville and, well, actually… The poor people in Minnesota were one game away from hosting a home game Super Bowl, and now they are refugees in their own city. It’s truly sad. Which is very different than “Sad!”

But Cleveland has the Browns and thus, a factory of sadness, which is another level of sadness altogether. This sadness deserves an exclamation point, except what would really be the point, at this point.

And so the Super Bowl is here again, and the refugees from every city are faced with the fact that their team could have had Saint Tom Brady. Or Nick Foles. You could have had Nick Foles. Yes, Nick Foles. Is your quarterback playing in the Super Bowl? Nick Foles is.

But next year, my team will be in the Super Bowl. Can someone give me a “Dilly Dilly?” That’s Whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “Super Bowl Pick 52 Pick From A Dilly Dilly Refugee Camp” »

NFL Conference Championship Picks By Doctor Bigmac McWhopper

January 19, 2018 By: BT Category: 2018 Playoffs

I went back to my mother
I said, “I’m crazy Ma, help me.”
She said, “I know how it feels son,
Cause it runs in the family.”
– The Who

Doctor Bigmac McWhopper says that my fat, lazy NFL Conference Championship picks are in perfect physical health.

First he put me through a series of tests, including the Tide Pod Challenge. No challenge at all. I ate three of them, and washed them down with a Diet Coke, a Whopper and a Big Mac, just as was written on my prescription.

My doctor also gave me a cognitive test. I don’t know that that means. But I am, like, a very stable genius, same as every other sad, pathetic Cleveland Browns fan in the world.

Four teams remain in the playoffs. So I picked another team to win the Super Bowl, and then the doctor, for some reason, ordered the cognitive test.

If ‘cognitive’ means cheering for the Cleveland Browns to win a playoff game this weekend, I passed the test. The fact that they are not playing proves my point. They will not lose.

And speaking of the Fake News Awards – I was, right? – did anyone get a look at the award-winning 2017 NFL standings? The Browns at 0-16? This is why no one trusts the media.

My doctor, a graduate of the Trump University School Of Literary Medicine, is so successful that he recently went from renting a unheated apartment over billiards hall to owning 10 oceanfront houses frequented by Russian “models.”

Even better, my doctor doesn’t like poor people. Right?

I mean, except for poor Cleveland Browns fans who, even if they have lots of money, are spiritually poor and living in emotional poverty.

Let’s not mince words, or be snowflake politically correct. The Cleveland Browns are a shithole organization that was just given a parade for its suckiness. Professional football players getting paid millions of dollars to lose every game, just like you or I could, have feelings and they were sad about the parade.

The perfect season parade, sadly, was not my idea, proving even I have room to cognitively improve. Of course, I won’t. You already knew that’s whatzgonnahappen. Continue reading “NFL Conference Championship Picks By Doctor Bigmac McWhopper” »

Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks From That New Explosive Book

January 06, 2018 By: BT Category: 2018 Playoffs

Guess who just got back today?
Them wild-eyed boys that’d been away
Haven’t changed, had much to say
But man, I still think those cats are crazy
– Thin Lizzy

According to a new explosive book, the guy who writes these Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks is a clueless unstable fool who likes an NFL team just because they wear orange on their head.

This book, called, “The Coach Should Be Fired, The Fans Are Furious” claims the childish writer of this column is so prone to crazy whims that he will cheer for any shitty quarterback who happens to wear a Cleveland Browns uniform.

And get this. This book claims that this column will predict the Browns to win this weekend, even though the Browns are not in the NFL playoffs, and barely in the NFL.

Yes, the book is about life inside my little white house. The author is a jerk.

The author, I think, is also vengeful and sneaky. Duplicitous even. He got his way into my good graces, and then turned on me. But forget that. I deny I even know the author of this book. Never met him.

Because of this book, I am now paranoid that people will think that I like the Cleveland Browns, which I do. But there’s really no reason to tell anyone such a dark personal secret.

Still, I am proud as well as paranoid. This is because of President Donald J. Trump, America’s supreme leader and the only president ever with the same hair color as the burnt orange of the Cleveland Browns helmet. He is my hero, as he is yours because he is, in his own words, “a very stable genius.”

Because of President Trump, I do not believe the fake news that claims the Cleveland Browns went 0-16 this season. No one could believe such lies.

Because of this book, I am now paranoid that people will think that I like the Cleveland Browns, which I do. But there’s really no reason to tell anyone such a dark personal secret.

I believe that, just like Trump, the Cleveland Browns have been winning bigly. His one year in office, like the Browns past two years (1-31 record, according to the fake news) in the NFL, has been awesome. I, literally, am in awe.

But back to that explosive book. This column (yes, I am the author who was granted unprecedented access to the idiot’s life) has spent a year embedded inside this moron’s white house, and it is clear that everyone around him hates him.

Those people are just like you, his faithful reader(s), who read this (the only plausible reason) to increase your own sense of superiority. He has no clue, but I am on to you and them, and him.

“He roots for the Browns,” said one anonymous source, who looked just like the columnist’s lovely, long-suffering wife – except for the large nose, big glasses, and a thick black plastic mustache.

“He hasn’t seen a real NFL game in more than 20 years,” said the anonymous source. “He’s not qualified for this. The only thing he does anymore is say, ‘Bernie Kosar was better than this.’ He says it all day long.”

That’s not all I do. Sometimes I hit myself in the head with a hammer and say I can’t wait to see whatzgonnhappen. Continue reading “Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks From That New Explosive Book” »