My interpretation of the games that have not yet been played may be as premature as a Brett Favre retirement, but so was the original mission a decade ago.

The previous administration got America to believe the Cleveland Browns were a real NFL threat because gravel-faced insane people told them the Browns had weapons of mass destruction. It was not true. And then instead of a walk-in-the-park Super Bowl championship, we were given the act of the Patriots.

The previous administration pretended as if the sanctimonious I’ve-got-a-secret-phone-line-to-Lombardi lunatics had direct evidence that a Manning child was somehow hidden on the Cleveland Browns roster. No one ever found that child. Instead, they found Charlie’s Fryes. It made me bitter, and for a while I clung to guns and religion.

The administration told America that the Browns winning the Super Bowl would be a piece of cake.  The administration claimed to believe the histrionic morons who would let us eat cake, and so never actually explained that the administration itself was a bunch of sociopathic liars.

I talked to former Prognosticator George W. Bush earlier today and I told him that his pre-emptive strike to get Brady Quinn was both moronic and horribly painful to the nation. He knows that we disagreed from the outset about his handling of the Cleveland Browns. We had a heated discussion about Gerard Warren, who Bush nicknamed, for reasons unknown, Tora Bora. We disagreed on many issues, but no one can doubt the former Prognosticator of the United States of America eats dog bones like all patriotic Americans.

Yet by the time he ended his relationship with Phil Savage, who was known by his nickname of Donald Rumsfeld, the damage had been done. So when the former Prognosticator recommended a surge towards Mike Holmgren, I talked to Jim Brown, who gave me the emotional advice he’d heard from my former reverend, Jeremiah Wright.

Thus, I opposed the Holmgren surge. Now, I’d like  to take credit for it.

It is a bit presumptuous of me to take credit for the upcoming success of the Cleveland Browns. I don’t really pay attention to the NFL like my predecessor. Frankly I am distracted, and the NFL is actually quite a nuisance.

Still, I plan to take credit for my predecessor’s belief in the Cleveland Browns. This year, they will be great. For the last decade, my predecessor predicted the Browns would win the Super Bowl. This year, when it happens, it will be because of me, not him. He had nothing to do with it.

Let me now change the subject by pointing out that I’ve got pictures of my family, and I am surrounded by flags. That’s cool, huh? Look, now I am wearing a Browns hat. I am patriotic for sure. I was even born in America. I remember being born and seeing Hawaii. It’s true.

My point is that I know you don’t have a job.

I’m sorry. Don’t think about that. Instead, think about whatzgonnahappen.

VIKINGS AT SAINTS – Brett Favre’s first pass is intercepted by the “Who Dat Dog” Saints 35, Vikings 20

PANTHERS AT GIANTS – Panthers 24, Giants 13

BENGALS AT PATRIOTS – While Carson Palmer throws to the Knucklehead Twins, and Randy Moss’s aura endures, the best receiver this day is Wes Welker. “We can rebuild him,” doctors said. Patriots 28, Bengals 24

FALCONS AT STEELERS – Steelers 23, Falcons 21

BRONCOS AT JAGUARS – Broncos 19, Jaguars 17

RAIDERS AT TITANS – Titans 23, Raiders 17

DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Bills 28, Dolphins 17

BROWNS AT BUCCANEERS – Jim Brown comes out of retirement, tosses down his cane, and scores a touchdown. He limps away muttering, “There’s your ring of honor.” Browns 99, Buccaneers 0

COLTS AT TEXANS – Peyton Manning doesn’t have time for one final play. Texans 29, Colts 27

LIONS AT BEARS – Jay Cutler is formally introduced to Ndamukong Suh. Lions 30, Bears 20

CARDINALS AT RAMS – The over/under on total game interceptions is 7. Cardinals 9, Rams 6

PACKERS AT EAGLES – This is Brett Favre versus Donovan McNabb, right? Packers 38, Eagles 13

49ERS AT SEAHAWKS – Pete Carroll can’t wait to get back to the sorority house. Oh wait. 49ers 31, Seahawks 10

COWBOYS AT REDSKINS – At halftime, Jerry Jones and Daniel Snyder brag about the size of their, um, stadiums. Cowboys 25, Redskins 21

RAVENS AT JETS – Ray Lewis gets fatal bedbugs. Ravens 21, Jets 18

CHARGERS AT CHIEFS – Chargers 50, Chief 6

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This column is sponsored by The Recession.

I decided to throw this 2010 NFL predictions tea party, paid for with Obama stimulus money, because I want America restored to how things were in the 1950s when the Cleveland Browns were the best team in the NFL.

That’s what these tea parties are all about, right? That, and beer. We’re proudly not elite and we are upset with how things have been in the elitist Manning-driven NFL. We need to take our country back from the elites and the Saints! I am not an elite or a saint, and neither is my favorite football team or any of its players.

I am just a regular guy with $700 billion plus change in my pocket. It’s a minor detail but one night in September, 2008, Ben Bernake was bored and called me so I told him to bet $700 billion on the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl. Yes, I am Ben Bernake’s bookie.

That’s when President George W. Bush bailed me out with $700 billion in small bills. So now that it is in the history books, I can finally graciously explain that I blackmailed George and he had no choice but to cooperate.

I have pictures of Bush and Osama Bin Laden at a Browns Backers bar in Kabul – both of them wearing the colors and bitching about Tim Couch. It was the last chance at diplomacy that no one knew about. I have pictures because I happened to be in the same bar that night. Yes, I am a regular guy with $700 billion who goes to bars and sees world leaders cheering for the Cleveland Browns. Like it doesn’t happen to you after a couple shots of tequila. Please!

A few months later, I convinced the newly elected and totally gullible President Barack Obama to give me thousands of dollars more in something he called cash for clunkers. He said he had read this website and eloquently called it “definitely a clunker.” He got the facts right, but that’s about it.

Then, as a doctor of prognostication I received a pay raise when the Obama health care plan passed, and the new financial regulations had a clause about NFL prognostication and the Cleveland Browns. I know people.

Those people should be thrown out of office or maybe served tea. I can never remember which, probably because I always have so much beer at these parties.

So as a visitor to my tea party, please complain. Thank you. What don’t you like? Who don’t you like? You want me to go first? Okay, I hate the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Wow! You’re right, I do feel better.

Now that’s a teachable lesson.

Speaking of teachable lessons, here’s some NFL season picks. You only get results this year, meaning you get to write your own punchlines. Maybe we can have a contest on how would you kill Ray Lewis each week. As for predictions with more than scores – help me find more readers and you’ll get more content again. There’s your real teachable lesson.

It turns out that funding for these Obama NFL prediction stimulus jobs ran out, plus I somehow seem to have misplaced $700 billion. It’s probably in a different pocket.

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Every morning the sun rises in the East.

Life is predictable that way. So am I. Every year I predict that the sun will rise in the East for the next 365 days. It’s almost like I know the future – too cosmic to comprehend. You are welcome.

So when I announce now that I will predict the Cleveland Browns to win every game this year, you know the future too. But don’t tell anyone who reads this column in the future that you know the future. It might blow their mind to know that you actually know what I am going to do.

Let’s keep it our secret, like that sunrise thing. I promise to make you look smart, as long as you don’t look West in the morning to check on me to see whatzgonnahappen.

AFC

EAST
JETS – 12-4
PATRIOTS – 10-6
DOLPHINS – 8-8
BILLS – 2-14

NORTH
BROWNS – 16-0
RAVENS 10-6
BENGALS 10-6
STEELERS – 6-10

SOUTH
COLTS 12-4
TEXANS 11-5
TITANS 10-6
JAGUARS 4-12

WEST
CHARGERS 14-2
BRONCOS 7-9
RAIDERS 6-10
CHIEFS 1-15

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NFC

EAST
COWBOYS 11-5
GIANTS 10-6
REDSKINS 9-7
EAGLES – 5-11

NORTH
PACKERS – 13-3
VIKINGS – 9-7
LIONS – 8-8
BEARS – 4-12

SOUTH
SAINTS 12-4
FALCONS 10-6
BUCANEERS 5-11
PANTHERS – 4-12

WEST
49ERS – 8-8
CARDINALS – 7-9
SEAHAWKS 3-13
RAMS 2-14

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NFC CHAMPIONSHIP
PACKERS OVER COWBOYS

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP
BROWNS OVER JETS

SUPERBOWL
BROWNS OVER PACKERS

–

This column is sponsored by Roethlisberger’s Bathroom Stalls – A Dating Destination.

A pig, for some reason gets all the credit, but a football is made of cowhide, not pigskin. Specifically, the Super Bowl XLIV football is made out of Elsie the Cow’s hide.

Once Elsie promised to affect the outcome in a conspiratorial way, the grateful NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell slaughtered Elsie with his own hands and then he sewed her hide together with a shoelace while Michael Vick watched, and the two casually discussed a good steak tip rub (olive oil, brown sugar, chile powder, a bit of cumin, less cayenne pepper, and lots of garlic).

This all happened and I have the false memory to prove it, and this means that everything Elsie the cow said she would do in Super Bowl XLIV is certain to happen.

Elsie The Cow was a New Orleans Saints fan her entire life. She grew up on Archie Manning’s farm cheering for Archie Manning.  She even owned a “Who Dat?” bag that she wore over her head for a decade. But she was also the cow that gave the milk that went on the cereal that Peyton Manning ate every morning when he was growing up.

So much like Archie Manning, you can see how Elsie the cow was conflicted when she learned her favorite quarterback would be playing against her favorite team in the Super Bowl.

For days, Elsie the Cow begged Archie Manning to take her to the Super Bowl. She sent text messages and tweeted him, but Archie said he was reluctantly bringing Eli instead. Elsie was determined not to miss this game for the world, even if it meant missing the world, so she arranged for a trip to New York – she flew coach – where she met with the commissioner, and every play of Super Bowl XLIV was planned in advance.

So with fresh blood still on his hands, the commissioner appeared at the Media Day podium to declare: “I guarantee this will be the greatest Super Bowl ever.” Yes, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

PRE-GAME: Queen Latifah sings “America The Beautiful”; Carrie Underwood sings the national anthem and General Larry Platt sings “Pants On The Ground”. America is honored.

COIN FLIP: Honorary coin flipper Brett Favre throws the coin up and it lands heads. I changed my mind, tails! I mean heads! No wait, he threw it to Tracy Porter it’s… Saints’ ball.

FIRST QUARTER: The Saints score after an eight-play 70-yard drive. The Colts follow it up with a seven-play 80-yard drive. And then when the opening kickoff happens, the game really gets exciting. The exciting part is that, unexpectedly, the defenses each come up with a couple of stops after the first two touchdowns. The Saints try to steal the ball and are unable, while Dwight Freeney works on the one-legged hop move. Drew Brees looks determined but frustrated. Conversely, Peyton Manning looks frustrated but determined. Saints 7, Colts 7

SECOND QUARTER: The football starts doing funny things, almost like there was a conspiracy. On the second play of the quarter, the ball hits Dallas Clark in the hands and then bounces up in the air, off of two Saints players, and lands back in his hands. It’s only an 8-yard gain for a first down, but it’s the beginning of a trend. Two more times in the quarter, when the Colts needed a first down, the bounce of the ball plays a part. Drew Brees throws for two touchdowns and Reggie Bush Barishnikovs (new football verb) his way down the sidelines for another. The Colts and their lucky football also score three touchdowns. Saints 28, Colts 28

HALTIME: Wearing “Who Dat?” shirts, The Who, just like on “Live at Leeds,” play a 15-minute version of “My Generation.” When the song ends, Roger Daltry announces, “We’re old.” Then Daltry and Pete Townsend commit on-stage hari kari. The crowd goes wild! Reviewers say it was cooler than beating up their instruments.

COMMERCIALS:

SUPER BOWL AD # 1 (15 seconds =$15 million billion)

SUPER BOWL AD #2 (SAME PRICE, CLASSIER ACTING CHOPS)

THIRD QUARTER: As the quarter begins, Archie Manning tells Phil Simms that just like Phil would surely would root for his New York Giants against any team quarterbacked by Chris Simms, he is really rooting for the Saints. “I didn’t have the heart to tell Peyton,” says Archie. “Yeah, that makes sense,” says Phil. By the time they are done conversing, each team has scored two more touchdowns. The Colts score legitimate touchdowns while the Saints are helped by the odd bounce of the ball. Saints 42, Colts 42

FOURTH QUARTER: With a mouthful of steak tips, Roger Goodell comments on what a great game he is watching and commences playing a drinking game with his own rules. Every time Archie Manning is shown on TV, the commissioner suspends a random player and then chugs  scotch. Within a few minutes, half of the Cincinnati Bengals have been suspended and the commissioner is yelling “You’re suspended!” as if he was Donald Trump firing someone. As cameras across the world are focused on fans in New Orleans, one guy with a Polaroid camera is chronicling what’s happening in Indianapolis. In Miami, the turnovers start as if the football has a mind of its own. No one scores until the final drive when Peyton, on third and 15 from the Saints 38, scrambles for five yards instead of throwing across his body for a certain interception. That’s when Matt Stover, the last original Cleveland Brown Version 1.0 comes in and kicks a game winning field goal. Colts 45, Saints 42

POSTGAME: First question: “Congratulations, do you wish you tried to go undefeated?”

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This column is sponsored by Freecheezeburgerz.com

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TED KENNEDY: Hey, dead Ted back again, now that 41 out of 100 is a majority, to give you my NFL Conference Championship predictions and to check in on my beloved Massachusetts. Did you know that I was known as the liberal lion of the Senate? I thanked God every day that I was not a Detroit Lion.

But now I see that the People’s Republic of Massachusetts, as Ronald Reagan once lovingly called my state, has voted to replace me with a Republican former nude model with a truck. Although being a former nude model with a truck more than qualifies Scott Brown for the Senate (I’ve known Senators with less qualifications), I blame Tom Brady.

In fact, when the New England Patriots lost a couple of weeks ago, I started drinking. Don’t be surprised. There’s really good booze in heaven. And yes, I made it here! I can show you the noogies that Jack and Bobby have been giving me to prove it. Of course they are in heaven, along with Tip O’Neill, Ronald Reagan, and the just-arrived Obama Health Care Bill.

The last time I predicted NFL games for you was in week 1 when I had just began my dirt nap, and I predicted that Vince Young would become the Titans starter by the end of the season. You can ignore my other predictions the same as you can ignore my prediction that universal health care would become a reality in America. Who knew it would be my specific seat, and a new Boston Tea Party, that killed it? I would not have predicted that.

Heck, one year ago, Barack Obama was taking the oath of office and the word “Democrat” stood for change instead of can you spare some change. Things change fast. You want to talk about change… I was alive back then; now I am dead. That’s not exactly the kind of change I endorsed.

And that brings me to the NFL, where Tom Brady is no longer playing but Mark Sanchez is.  As a New England Patriots fan, I hate the New York Jets. And as a student of the conspiratorial intersection of sports and politics, I knew that when Tom Brady started throwing interceptions in a playoff game, voters in Massachusetts would revolt.

Sure, the Democrats ran a candidate with the charisma of the color beige but I still blame Tom Brady. If he had only kept throwing touchdown passes, no one would have noticed that I wasn’t the Democrat running. But when the Patriots season ended and votes sobered up enough to realize that it was Martha friggin’ Coakley running and not me, they voted for Scott Brown.

But beyond the fact that our candidate spent most of the Massachusetts campaign in the Caribbean, I think there was a deeper reason voters chose Brown. I believe that once the Patriots were eliminated, fans thought they were voting for the Cleveland Browns, who I would vote for too. The Cleveland Browns are America’s team; America just doesn’t know it yet. As a secret Browns fan, I must say that the hope still lives and the dream shall never die  -  even though I did.

So this weekend, while Barack Obama tries to figure out if he is the Democrats version of Ronald Reagan or another Jimmy Carter, three great quarterbacks – Brett Favre, Drew Brees and Peyton Manning -  and Mark Sanchez are still playing NFL football, which means that Obama controls the playoffs the way he controls the majority in Congress. And if you don’t think I can connect the dots, you don’t know a conspiracy theory from a grassy knoll. (Jack loves a good grassy knoll joke. Gets him laughing every time.)

So check it out. The most conservative team still left in the playoffs are the New York Jets. They are riding wave of confidence like the Republicans who suddenly think that 41 out of 100 is a majority. The Jets are one of four teams. The conservative team has a chance. But let me tell what my dead friend Harry Truman says to me all the time… “The ground game is fine but sometimes you need to throw a couple big bombs to get their attention.”

And that’s why I think this is whatzgonnahappen.–

JETS AT COLTS – On the first play from scrimmage, Curtis Painter (that’s right) hits Reggie Wayne for a 90-yard touchdown pass. After Mark Sanchez’s first pass is intercepted, Jim Caldwell sends Peyton Manning into the game and as he does he moons Rex Ryan. After Manning throws two quick touchdown passes, Ryan and his blitzing-on-defense/running-on-offense strategy looks as silly as his prediction. But then the Jets running game gets established for a drive and the Jets break through for a score. This prompts Rex Ryan to flip Jim Caldwell the bird and tell sideline reporter Gilbert Arenas that he metaphorically wishes he had a gun. Arenas asks “what does ‘metaphorically’ mean,” and then he and his shoulder-mounted rocket launcher are led away laughing in handcuffs. But by halftime, Peyton Manning has thrown two more touchdown passes and Jim Caldwell has secretly paid two Jets player to fill a Gatorade bucket with goat urine and dump it on Rex at the end of the game. While  Ryan’s halftime speech is filled with enough profanity to make Snoop Dog blush, there is not enough of Snoop’s favorite herb in the entire world for the Jets to even imagine a way to stop the machine that is Peyton Manning. After the game, Rex Ryan decides he doesn’t like Gatorade any more. Colts 45, Jets 7

TED KENNEDY AGAIN: You want to hear some creepy heaven gossip? Jack told me he knew Helen Thomas when she was hot. I know, I know…

VIKINGS AT SAINTS – Who dat? That’s what Archie Manning says to himself at the moment he discovers that when you get exactly what you want it may not really be exactly what you want. When Drew Brees walks on the field during warmups and the score is already 7-0, Archie Manning realizes that a Giants/Colts Super Bowl would be easier on him (he’d root for Peyton over Eli for sure).  But as the National Anthem is sung and the score turns to 14-0, Archie finds himself gleeful to see the Saints winning big early. The first quarter is a soul-searching event for Archie Manning. Each time the Saints score, his soul has a nostalgic orgasm but he knows that this means his Super Bowl will likely lead him to years of therapy. After all, unlike Eli, he actually likes his son Peyton. He would root for him in almost every circumstance. Although I am merely reporting facts that I have invented and made up, that doesn’t mean this sentence or the previous one could not be stolen by someone and quoted as fact. That’s why, as a member of the media, I am throwing it out there. At halftime, Archie Manning is no longer the issue. Brett Favre’s retirement is. Haltime is a tense 15 minutes, filled with 18 Brett Favre press conferences. In the end, he returns for the second half. Adrian Peterson scores a few touchdowns that are filed under the too-little-too-late category, and Archie Manning turns to Oprah, who recommends Dr. Phil, who recommends Glenn Beck, who says gold is golden. That’s gold, not purple. Saints 41, Vikings 21

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This column is sponsored by Jay Leno & Haiti.

–

Please be sure to check out FREECHEEZEBURGERZ.COM, starting now and through the off-season. This may be the last season of this column. Freecheezeburgerz is now where it’s at. (Volunteers and ideas are welcome)

–

MARK McGWIRE: These 2010 Divisional Playoff NFL picks are clean, unlike the 1998 Super Bowl when Sammy Sosa and I combined to predict the Denver Broncos would upset the heavily favored Green Bay Packers. I did one more shot of andro that year than Sammy, so I was able to also see that Terrell Davis would be named the Super Bowl MVP.

Those were the days… I mean, I am sorry.

If you have been reading the political book, “Game Change” you have seen various rumors about Elizabeth Edwards and Bill Clinton injecting me in the buttocks during the 2008 presidential campaign. Those rumors are false, and so is whatever Jose Canseco has to say. Just because all of them have seen my buttocks is no reason for them to spread lies.

Mostly, I did steroids because I hated Roger Maris and Jimmy the Greek. But I digress.

Do I think my steroid use helped me to become fantastically successful in predicting football games in the past? No, I am a natural.

It is mere coincidence that I was known as the best predictor in the world until NBA referee Tim Donaghy took away my throne. It also coincidence that my best years of predicting were during the time the Cleveland Browns didn’t exist because of a buttface, Art Modell, and most of you were aghast that Bill Clinton exposed his buttocks and more.

Plus don’t forget the better I predicted, the more you loved me. Sammy Sosa and I essentially saved NFL prognosticating after 1994 when the Union Of Pompous Prognosticators went on strike. It was Sammy and I and our historic success – medically induced or not – that saved the American past time of predicting NFL games. That’s what happened. Here’s whatzgonnahappen.

CARDINALS AT SAINTS – As NASA continues work on ensuring the scoreboard speed can keep up with the score, the Cardinals defense tries to refine the only play it knows – the game-winning facemask fumble-causing move. The offenses each score faster than Warren Beatty in his prime, while each defense sips daiquiris between plays and has deep philosophical discussions on the merits of tackling. On the last play of the game, Michael Adams grabs Drew Brees by the facemask and flings him to Bourbon Street. This causes a fumble and then Karlos Dansby runs it in for a touchdown. Works every time. Cardinals 49, Saints 42

RAVENS AT COLTS – Ray Lewis is distraught after Hannah Montana unfriends him on Facebook. He manages to focus his rage in the first quarter and the Ravens begin the game looking like a team that could win. But looks are deceiving and in the second half when Ray discovers that only one of the Jonas Brothers has not unfriended him, he fills a bucket with his own tears and then drowns himself. If you pay close attention to the game, you will notice that is just about the time that Peyton Manning starts throwing touchdowns. Coincidence? Well, Peyton and Hannah Montana are still friends, so what does that tell you. Colts 27, Ravens 17

COWBOYS AT VIKINGS – The symptoms for Jerry Jones will begin in the second quarter. First there will be tremors and then the wax in his face will start to melt. The diagnosis is  traumatic Percy Harvinitis and the proposed cure is human sacrifice – specifically Wade Phillips. Vikings 24, Cowboys 21

JETS AT CHARGERS – I read somewhere that the golfer John Daly has lost a lot of weight but I actually think he’s gotten fatter since he started coaching the Jets. Meanwhile, Philip Rivers reminds of a pre-bankruptcy Bernie Kosar. The only thing you can truly count on with the Jets is that if the ball hits Braylon Edwards in the hands, it will fall to the ground. Chargers 40, Jets 20

BYE AT BROWNS – Eric Mangini has three new bosses and counting. Of course he’s thrilled.

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This column is sponsored by The Sarah Palin Variety Hour, featuring ventriloquists, on Fox.

–-

So, as I was saying…

This NFL season is winding down which means it is time for the very first season of the new two-minute sitcom “I LOVE THIS STORE.” It is the story of a man who can only buy a newspaper at this store even though he wants to buy other stuff.

Yes, I found the most fun tool the Internet has to offer. Check out Episode 2 – “I want to buy and buy and buy!”

For Episode 1, see Freecheezeburgerz.com

Episode 3 is coming soon…..

I LOVE THIS STORE – Episode 2
“I want to buy and buy and buy!”

- Joel Coen and Ethan Coen

–

I am currently naked in front of Janet Napolitano while I predict these NFL Wildcard Weekend games. If these predictions don’t completely bomb, the system worked.

You must now get naked as you read these predictions, and soon Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano will visit and examine you and then you can feel comfortable betting your life on these NFL Wildcard Weekend picks. Life is sweet for those who are alive this NFL Wildcard Weekend. The rest of us are comforted in a very special way by Janet Napolatano, who, we’ve quickly learned, is more charming than we originally could have imagined. Sigh.

It’s crazy to think that an entire NFL Season has passed in less time than it took for a shoe bomber to morph into an underwear bomber… and it’s horrifying to think what’s next, especially as I am forced to stand here naked in front of Janet Napolatano explaining why I believe the New England Patriots will survive the Wes Welker injury fine in the short term, because they are that kind of team. If she ever discovers I picked the Cleveland Browns to win the Super Bowl, I could be sent to Guantanamo as a political prisoner.

If you don’t hear from me again, it’s because that’s whatzgonnahappen.
JETS AT BENGALS – The mirage that was last week is the hard cold reality of a rookie quarterback on the road in a game that now actually means something. This is going to look like a mirror image of what just happened in something that NFL historians will soon equate with how Custer was fooled at Little Big Horn. Bengals 30, Jets 6.

EAGLES AT COWBOYS – The Eagles would like to think they are running a magic show like the Bengals are going to pull off, but the Cowboys are the home team so it’s going to be a little tougher to reverse what happened last week. The Eagles’ explosion will be third-quarter furious, making Jerry Jones’ sad face order another gin and botox with a twist of bitter lemon. Eagles 24, Cowboys 21

RAVENS AT PATRIOTS – Kevin Fauk and Julian Edelman will combine to pester the Ravens in Welker-esque ways until out of nowhere Randy Moss catches three touchdown passes. When Ray Lewis is overcome with terminal shyness in the second quarter, the blowout is on. Patriots 31, Ravens 13

PACKERS AT CARDINALS – Aaron Rodgers will get blamed again because he doesn’t play defense as well as Brett Favre. Meanwhile, Beanie Wells as a game-ending clock killer is a luxury the Cardinals have just discovered. Cardinals 31, Packers 27

BYE AT COLTS – Jim Caldwell tells his remote control that he is going to rest it this week and instead he has Curtis Painter over his house to manually change the channels.

BYE AT SAINTS – Everyone in New Orleans is frantically searching for the magic dust that seems to have been misplaced.

BYE AT CHARGERS – If it’s the playoffs, Norv Turner is feeling a tightness around his neck.

BYE AT VIKINGS – Brett Favre retires.

BYE AT BROWNS – Mike Holmgren and Eric Mangini sing an A Cappella version of “He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.”

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This column is sponsored by the Tourism Bureau of Yemen.

- Paul Anka

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These 2009 Week 17 NFL picks have been planned for an entire decade. And what a decade it’s been. I feel like I’ve aged 10 years.

If you’ve been betting these picks for the past 10 years, I’d like to know how you can afford to lose so much money. You do know that I am missing a chromosome, right?

Just last week, I was very accurate in predicting the score of the Giants/Panthers game. It was a blowout: the Panthers won 41-9. My only mistake was picking the wrong team to win that blowout. I picked the Giants to win 40-10. This proves that I am a dyslexic psychic – which would be a great band name.

There is so much to reflect on this decade but for me the sum of all the parts amount to Balloon Boy. It was the Balloon Boy Decade, even in the NFL, where my false hopes of a Cleveland Browns championship and this column taking off floated away and I am in shackles to a team that hates me and a popular culture that can’t connect the same dots I see. The two teams of the decade are the despised Pittsburgh Steelers and the the team coached by the Bernie-Kosar-cutting Bill Belichick, the New England Patriots. And Art Modell won a championship in Baltimore too.

I love new beginnings. I need one almost every day. And now we are at the cusp of not just a new year but a new decade. This follows a decade that only the 1930s or 1960s can rival and yes these are non-football thoughts in the middle of this football column, which is the reason why all three of my readers are here.

Which brings me to… I’ve noticed there are only three of you readers, maybe four at the most. And this thinking stuff requires a lot more work than you might think. And since none of you has given me an “A” or even a gold star, let alone actual cash – this may be the final season of this column. I think that every year about this time when my favorite team, the Cleveland Browns, stink again. This year I am putting it to you. Am I wasting my time?

I will ponder though the playoffs, or you can vote and tell me whatzgonnahappen.

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JAGUARS AT BROWNS – Mike Holmgren hires a mouse-turd engineer to build Eric Mangini statues that will be placed in every restroom at Cleveland Browns Stadium. I guess that means Mangini is staying and watching everything. Browns 30, Jaguars 10

COLTS AT BILLS – At the end of the game when no one is looking, Peyton Manning slips on  Curtis Painter’s jersey. Colts 20, Bills 19

EAGLES AT COWBOYS – It comes down to the hold on an extra point but just as the ball is snapped, Tony Romo blinks. Eagles 24, Cowboys 23

SAINTS AT PANTHERS – Trying to be the anti-Patriots of 2007, the Saints slide into the playoffs with a three-game losing streak. Panthers 23, Saints 20

FALCONS AT BUCCANEERS – This is the “saw” part of Matt Ryan’s see-saw season. We saw it disappear. Buccaneers 20, Falcons 13

PATRIOTS AT TEXANS – In the third quarter, Randy Moss and Bill Belichick are playing checkers. Texans 39, Patriots 10

BEARS AT LIONS – Lions and Cutler and Bears, oh my! Jay Cutler the courage to have a good game against a bad team. Bears 31, Lions 21

49ERS AT RAMS – The 49ers want win to end the season and the Rams want to start next season with a Suh. 49Ers 24, Rams 10

STEELERS AT DOLPHINS – Two teams needing Bernie Madoff sized Ponzi schemes to make the playoffs. Dolphins 14, Steelers 13

GIANTS AT VIKINGS – Brett Favre can’t throw it away because Adrian Peterson runs it away. Vikings 29, Giants 20

TITANS AT SEAHAWKS – Chris Johnson runs for 127 yards and decides to party like it’s 1999. Titans 24, Seahawks 20

PACKERS AT CARDINALS – A chance to show off my Matt Leinart beer-pong jersey. Packers 10, Cardinals 9

RAVENS AT RAIDERS – Ray Lewis discovers his old acquaintances didn’t forget. Charlie Frye plays as if he’s not really the worst quarterback in NFL history, but it’s not enough. Ravens 24, Raiders 14

REDSKINS AT CHARGERS – After the Chargers build a 20-point lead, the starters come out. Daniel Snyder, sensing this is what playoff teams do, orders his starters off the field too. Chargers 40 Redskins 12

CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – An early season delusional flashback. Broncos 26, Chiefs 12

BENGALS AT JETS – If the Bengals lose this game they get to play the Jets next week in the first round of the playoffs. In this case, a Jim Caldwell sit-em is called for. Jets 20, Bengals 10

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This column is sponsored by money-making endeavors.

- J. Fred Coots and Haven Gillespie

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I’m Wolf Blitzen, news reindeer, reporting that these Week 16 NFL picks were voted on by the Senate on the morning of Christmas Eve. The key point in the legislation was if you pout,  you’ll get gout from Dan Fouts.

Okay, I made that last part up. But Senate Democrats and Joe Lieberman voted to predict this week’s NFL games despite vehement opposition from Republicans – the conservatives who think the Cleveland Browns won’t win by 50 points. Even though the ability to abort losses was taken out of final legislation, President Obama expressed confidence in the process moving forward.

“When the House and Senate reconcile their differences – including whether should there should be a public option to fire Eric Mangini – I believe this legislation will prove to be the first step to providing real adequate health care to the Cleveland Browns organization. In the meantime, I’ve appointed one of the top football health specialists, Mike Holmgren, to the case.”

That’s what happened. Merry Christmas. Here’s whatzgonnahappen.

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CHARGERS AT TITANS – LaDanian Tomlinson watches Chris Johnson with awe. Titans 24, Chargers 21

RAIDERS AT BROWNS – Charlie Frye is sacked five times in the first quarter, but then Derek Anderson throws three interceptions, and Frye answers with a fumble and two interceptions. Yep, Brady Quinn and JaMarcus Russell have been waiting for this matchup ever since they were both drafted in the same year. Still, Josh Cribbs scores while opening presents. Browns 70, Raiders 20

BILLS AT FALCONS – Here’s a recipe for creating a successful end to a disappointing season – invite the Buffalo Bills to visit. Falcons 38, Bills 17

PANTHERS AT GIANTS – Woody Allen said that 80 percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen is from New York. The Panthers don’t show up. Giants 40, Panthers 10

JAGUARS AT PATRIOTS – Too close for Patriots fans, but there is hope with Tom Brady doing his best Tom Brady impersonation at the end of the game. Patriots 23, Jaguars 17

RAVENS AT STEELERS – Ray Lewis receives all 10 of the top 10 most dangerous toys. I’m surprised Santa went anywhere near Pittsburgh this year. Ravens 22, Steelers 20

SEAHAWKS AT PACKERS – Before each play, someone says, “Did you hear Mike Holmgren joined the Browns?” Packers 36, Seahawks 21

TEXANS AT DOLPHINS - “One of the biggest challenges is not giving up the big play,” Dolphins coach Tony Sparano told the team’s official Web site. But the official Web site did not tell the team. Texans 30, Dolphins 20

BUCCANEERS AT SAINTS – Can anyone find the NFL definition of “slaughter rule?” Saints 48, Buccaneers 13

CHIEFS AT BENGALS – Cedric Benson runs for 100 yards against the Chiefs defense with his eyes closed. Then he opens them and runs for 100 more. Bengals 29, Chiefs 12

LIONS AT 49ERS – The 49ers will look like a playoff team because the Lions make teams do that. 49ers 31, Lions 10

RAMS AT CARDINALS – If you are the scoreboard operator for the Cardinals, you should ask to get paid by the point. Cardinals 51, Rams 13

BRONCOS AT EAGLES – Former Eagle Brian Dawkins almost intercepts a pass that ends up winning the game for the Eagles. Eagles 24, Broncos 17

JETS AT COLTS – The machine named Peyton Manning is not used to all the extra chances that the rookie named Mark Sanchez gives him. Colts 40, Jets 20

COWBOYS AT REDSKINS – New general manager Bruce Allen makes a couple of key tackles. Wait, that’s not how it works. Cowboys 20, Redskins 12

VIKINGS AT BEARS – Brett Favre and Brad Childress exchange presents, leading to a mini-run on coal in Minnesota. The real gifts – plural – come from Jay Cutler. Vikings 29, Bears 21

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‘Twas week 16 in the NFL when just like a fulcrum
Right into Cleveland entered Mike Holmgren
The week before Josh Cribbs acted just like Houdini
But is it enough to save Eric Mangini?

The fans were all nestled in “32” jerseys
Begging Mr. Lerner for cheap tickets and mercy
Dawgpound Mike with his bone, and Big Dawg with his mask
Wanted a dynasty, is that too much to ask?

When down on the field there arose such a clatter
Ah, Quinn’s hurt again – it doesn’t much matter
The team’s going nowhere, the win’s came too late
It’s up to Mike Holmgren to alter the fate

Mangini and Holmgren
The AFC, they will carve
With their common denominator
A QB named Brett Favre

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This column is sponsored by strategic mistletoe.

- The Boxtops

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These Week 15 NFL picks are hot! Stolen emails reveal that three rainforests were chopped down to produce these week 15 NFL picks and our SUV-driving employees are required to hold the buttons of two coal-powered aerosol cans during all waking moments.

While world leaders meet in Copenhagen and argue about how to reduce global warming, the staff of this column met in a bar and discussed how best to increase it. We were cold that day.

Ours is a point of view missing from the global warming debate and so we stole our own emails and now we dare to show them to the world. It’s shocking but…

We hate winter. Sure, the cuteness factor makes us want to save the polar bears and penguins. But contrary to premature and therefore misleading press reports, we have not decided to announce whether either tastes very good in our special chili recipe. But speaking of that, our pursuit of methane gas has us serving food that encourages flatulence.

We demand to be heard even if our pursuit of perfect weather must be paired with an NFL prediction site during a week late in the season when a couple of teams are still pursuing perfect records. As Cleveland Browns fans, we are also in favor of climate change in the NFL – although we’ve discovered that it is much easier to change the climate of an entire planet than it is to change the climate of that particular dysfunctional NFL team.

But in week 15, while we expect the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts to continue acting like bullying industrial nations, we hold out hope that the Cleveland Browns will stop with the Maldives-of-the-NFL act. That’s whatzgonnahappen.

COLTS AT JAGUARS – I can see the result so clearly it’s almost like I watched the game on television last night. Colts 35, Jaguars 31

COWBOYS AT SAINTS – The movie script calls for the Cowboys to be winning until 3  seconds remain. Then Wade Phillips calls timeout giving the Saints a final chance and then Drew Brees throws a touchdown pass to a wide open Marques Colston. Over the closing credits, coach Phillips shrugs. Saints 31, Cowboys 30

DOLPHINS AT TITANS – Chris Johnson and his ridiculous 6.0 per carry average are not enough to overcome the late game heroics of Chad Henne. Dolphins 21, Titans 14

TEXANS AT RAMS – The Texans are beginning to play their best football while the Rams are continuing to play something other than football. Texans 30, Rams 10

49ERS AT EAGLES – The 49ers are a team of the future while the Eagles are a “now” team. And although it seems to you that the game is in the future, when they actually play it will be “now.” Eagles 28, Rams 21

FALCONS AT JETS – Either an erratic youngster or a limited veteran will start at quarterback for both teams. That’s why I’ll choose the Jets defense. Jets 20, Falcons 14

BROWNS AT CHIEFS – The Browns sack Matt Cassell eight times, of course, while Brady Quinn takes a liking to the Kansas City defense. Browns 28, Chiefs 10

CARDINALS AT LIONS – Today’s special is smoked Lion. Cardinals 42, Lions 6

PATRIOTS AT BILLS – I hear a voice… “Pay no attention to that man underneath the hoodie.” Bills 20, Patriots 17

BEARS AT RAVENS – Jay Cutler throws his first interception during the National Anthem. Ray Lewis eats yellow snow and comes down with a fatal case of yellow-snow-eater’s disease. Ravens 27, Bears 14

BENGALS AT CHARGERS – The Bengals will be emotionally drained. Chargers 35, Bengals 20

RAIDERS AT BRONCOS – You make $12 million and Charlie Frye is starting in your place? What is this, Goldman Sachs? Broncos 31, Raiders 3

BUCCANEERS AT SEAHAWKS – After this game on the same channel, Paint Dries and Grass Grows. Seahawks 23, Buccaneers 13

PACKERS AT STEELERS – An actual meaningful game because if the Steelers lose this the quit job from last week was real while if the Packers lose they are just not tough enough to win anything. Steelers 20, Packers 19

VIKINGS AT PANTHERS – Even if Brett Favre throws some more December interceptions, the Panthers can’t capitalize enough. Vikings 24, Panthers 10

GIANTS AT REDSKINS – Daniel Snyder reshuffles more than a dealer at a casino, but his house never wins. Giants 23, Redskins 20

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This column is sponsored by Personaldrones.com

- Robert F. Kennedy

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These week 14 NFL predictions are late because I knew I’d be correct about the Browns game, so I started celebrating Thursday’s victory on Tuesday. Yes, I am that kind of psychic.

In this column, the news of the world takes a pause this week. Cancel the wars, quit asking about Tiger’s chances for par no matter what you are counting, and call the economy fixed -  because the Cleveland Browns beat the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Say “Amen.”

Now someone call Satan (I know at least one of my readers has his cell phone number) and tell him to start wearing ice skates because his hometown has frozen over. While on the subject, I admit that I sold my soul in order to be right about this game. You are welcome.

When you’ve been bullied for more than a decade and you finally get to throw a punch – it not only sends a message but it feels good – therapeutic even. Of course, Thursday’s victory by the Cleveland Browns over the evil Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers probably means that St. Louis will draft a Hall of Fame player while the Browns will draft a criminal with a bad knee, a fast motorcycle, two hands of stone, the brain capacity of a bag of spoons, the work habits of Joe the homeless guy, and the ethical standards of an indicted politician.

But that doesn’t mean I didn’t celebrate each of the eight sacks of Ben Roethlisberger, just as I knew I would. I was right to think I would be happy watching Joshua Cribbs run over the Steelers, and I made the proper decision to start celebrating Chris Jennings touchdown a full two days early. My hindsight about my foresight is 20/20.

Life is good because the Browns beat the Steelers and yes I am that simple, so at the moment I don’t know or care if this is whatzgonnahappen.

BROWNS AT STEELERS – Let me tell you about the best hillbilly stew I’ve ever had. Browns 13, Steelers 6

BILLS AT CHIEFS – I can’t wait for Kansas City’s bad offense against Buffalo’s bad defense. It will be like watching butterflies argue. Chiefs 23, Bills 21

SAINTS AT FALCONS – The Saints are reaching that vulnerable psychological point where the undefeated season is wearing on them. Right? Well, not this week. Saints 42, Falcons 17

PANTHERS AT PATRIOTS – The last time Adalius Thomas was in kindergarten, recess was more fun. But at least this week, the competition is those weak kids across the playground. Patriots 27, Panthers 13

DOLPHINS AT JAGUARS – The Jaguars have the better record. The Dolphins are the better team. The Jaguars usually win at home. That equals a three-point win. I don’t think that’s how they do it in Las Vegas. Jaguars 20, Dolphins 17

RAMS AT TITANS – Kyle Boller knows more Titans than Rams by the end of the game. Titans 29, Rams 9

BRONCOS AT COLTS – There is the blowout slot that the Colts sometimes pick victories from. That was used last week. This is from the more-used fourth-quarter-comeback slot. Colts 24, Broncos 21

LIONS AT RAVENS – Ray Lewis writes an email about climate change and and suffers the consequences. But later the Ravens prove there is nothing to the theory. Ravens 32, Lions 13

BENGALS AT VIKINGS – Cedric Benson will have a better game than Adrian Peterson. Bengals 23, Vikings 16

JETS AT BUCCANEERS – Josh Freeman plays his best game as a pro while Kellen Clemens plays like an old Roger Clemens without steroids – who knows. Buccaneers 23, Jets 12

SEAHAWKS AT TEXANS – Now that they are essentially out of it, witness the playoff team we all thought we’d see. Texans 31, Seahawks 19

PACKERS AT BEARS – Jay Cutler is posing for the cover of “Karma” magazine. Packers 27, Bears 10

REDSKINS AT RAIDERS – For another week, Bruce Gradkowski is just like Kenny Stabler. Raiders 23, Redskins 20

CHARGERS AT COWBOYS – The Chargers are better but Norv Turner goes all Wade Phillips on his team. Cowboys 25, Chargers 22

EAGLES AT GIANTS – Donovan McNabb is having another elite season – probably his best yet. Eagles 23, Giants 13

CARDINALS AT 49ERS – Frank Gore is like the old General Motors to the old America – as goes Frank Gore, so go the 49ers in this game.  49Ers 28, Cardinals 21

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This column is sponsored by the Nobel War Prize.