I imagine someone at ESPN was watching me slam my bumpy, dumb head against the wall and gleefully shouted, “Jacked up!” The head-on-wall hits made me into a Cleveland Browns dynasty-clairvoyant, which helped me get a Nike sneaker deal. But mostly I did it for your adulation.

T

Therefore I am now ready to predict the upcoming bullfighting season, I mean the NFL. Sure, my mental health is a laughing matter. But the struggle of my football heroes is not. And yet, how did they get to become my football heroes?  It’s no small moral dilemma.

It turns out that the official NFL name is the Violence Austerity Program In Denial (VAPID), which is sort of like AA, only it involves a 16-step program that closely resembles an NFL season. There are sincere attempts to cut back entitlement programs such as head-on-head collisions, and heroic quick returns from injuries, but there is also pushback. Street demonstrations are expected on James Harrison’s street.

Yet here I am with pinwheel eyes ready to predict this season in the NFL because I want stimulus, not austerity. Heck, I don’t even know what I am talking about. It’s all Greek to me.

I want to take a community college class in Tebowing so I can justify the simplistic explanation that bounty money was the root of all evil for the New Orleans Saints. I liked the loveable save-the-hurricane-infested-city Saints a whole lot more than the evil take-out-the-head Saints, even though they both have the same funny name – Saints.

Jacked up! Jacked up motherfucker!

Sorry about that. It’s the first time I’ve ever cursed in this column. Ever since I hurt my head by voluntarily banging it against a wall, I can’t control what I say. I again apologize plus I announce that I plan to sue the wall, or the maker of the wall, or maybe you.

I get so confused about right and wrong. I love the NFL. It is my Sunday religion. That’s how I know about the Saints.  But I hear a bell ringing in my head and I don’t think it’s a church bell. It’s my own interior bell, and it has been rung.

So for now and now only, I am a clairvoyant with future plausible deniability and a nasty desire to hit you upside the head with another Browns-dynasty version of whatzgonnahappen.

AFC

EAST
PATRIOTS – Famous video director Bill Belichick videotapes an NFL Network special about how the Saints broke NFL rules. 13-3
BILLS  - There are four words Mario Williams will hate to hear, “Bruce Smith used to.” 8-8
JETS – Rex Ryan calls Tim Tebow a bleeping bleep, and Tebow replies that he’s excited to be cussed at by one of God’s creations. 6-10
DOLPHINS  - Ryan Downthehill is the 2012 version of Blame Gabbert. So how about Matt Barkley next year? 3-13

NORTH
BROWNS – West Coast offense? Not really. Power football on the shores of Lake Erie. It’s innovation the old fashioned way. 16-0
BENGALS – I’ll explain my pick this way. I like Kool-Aid. 11-5
RAVENS – Ray Lewis’ cause of death is listed as “Pissed off for greatness.” Joe Flacco practices for a  career in public relations by claiming he is new and improved.  9-7
STEELERS  - Ben Roethlisberger stays in one erratic piece, but the path to long-term mediocrity is clear. 6-10

SOUTH
TEXANS – Arian Foster reminds me of O.J. Simpson, and I mean that in a good football way as opposed to, well, you know. 12-4
TITANS – Jake Locker will be severely average, like his team, and like his high-paid running back. 8-8
COLTS – Andrew Luck may not be as good as Peyton Manning, but he will be better than Curtis Painter. 6-11
JAGUARS – Blame Gabbert will be sacked 160 times. Every pass he throws all season will theoretically be aimed towards Justin Blackmon. 1-15

WEST
RAIDERS – Baby. Win. Just. It may be backwards now, but it will finally begin working with a sound defense, a prepared quarterback, and a running game. 10-6
CHARGERS – Norv Turner has a new book out, “Dare To Be Adequate.” 9-7
BRONCOS – Peyton Manning won’t last the season. John Elway considers his own comeback. 8-8
CHIEFS – Brady Quinn and Peyton Hillis argue over a mirror. Romeo Crennell deserves better. 4-12

NFC

EAST
COWBOYS – The Cowboys look loaded. But Rob Ryan wins more beauty contests than the Cowboys win playoff games. 11-5
GIANTS – Eli Manning, with less talent, will ultimately end up having a better career than his brother. Not in the regular season, but in the playoffs. 11-5
EAGLES – Michael Vick again lasts about half a season and he is mostly brilliant. Mad karma backed off the dream team this year, but Vick’s fragile body doesn’t care. 5-11
REDSKINS – Robert Griffin III wishes he was a Cleveland Brown. Halfway through the season, so do his teammates who say to each other under their breath, “Hey Cousin.” 3-13

NORTH
LIONS – Ndamukong Suh watches interviews with forgetful Jim McMahon every day for inspiration. 12-4
PACKERS – The Packers are still trying to understand how other teams would want to win the Super Bowl too when it is supposed to be theirs. 11-5
BEARS – Jay Cutler sues a roller coaster for intellectual property copyright infringement. 8-8
VIKINGS – The theme song of the year is “Nowhere Man” by the Beatles, or maybe “LA Woman” by the Doors. 2-14

SOUTH
FALCONS – Matt Ryan, aka Matty Ice, should have the nickname Matty Eh-whatever. The Falcons are pretty good too. Eh, whatever. 11-5
SAINTS – So the Saints ain’t saints,  coaches and players are suspended, and mad karma ain’t nice. But Drew Brees is a spectacular NFL quarterback and that means a lot. 10-6
PANTHERS – Cam Newton wants to be a superhero. He is already a superstar, the one we’ve long been expecting to reinvent the most important position in sports. 8-8
BUCANEERS – The Buccaneers had a great offseason. Yeah Buccaneers! They are a good offseason team. 4-12

WEST
49ERS – Alex Smith looked like he got a brain transplant last year. This year he gets new weapons. 12-4
CARDINALS – Larry Fitzgerald and Michael Floyd are the weapons. Kevin Kolb is the triggerman due for a career year, or the end of his career. 8-8
SEAHAWKS – Matt Flynn expects to set franchise records in every start. Pete Carroll explains, “You’re not even the starter.” 6-10
RAMS – Sam Bradford simply needs to survive two more years until all the draft picks arrive. 4-12

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NFC CHAMPIONSHIP
LIONS OVER GIANTS

AFC CHAMPIONSHIP
BROWNS OVER PATRIOTS

SUPERBOWL XLVII
BROWNS OVER LIONS

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VOICE: This 2012 Super Bowl XLVI pick is an attack ad on my flip-flopping opponent, who once said that Colt McCoy would be the hero of Super Bowl XLVI.

I have met my opponent, and he is me.

Don’t vote for him. He is the on-food-stamps prognosticator, and also a big fat preachy policeman wannabe who says it is immoral to ever say anything nice about the mad scientist Bill Belichick, who coached the Cleveland Browns before he became a mad scientist.

(CUE the creepy music… show unflattering photo of my opponent, who looks an awful lot like me with a Browns-lost-again chili hangover.) My opponent last week had no conference championship insight into a Billy Cundiff missed field goal, a Lee Evans dropped touchdown pass, or Kyle Williams messing up two punts, including letting one bounce against his leg. Any common seer could have seen those things happening. My opponent instead pondered what it would be like to actually worry about the taxes he would pay if he earned $42 million.

My opponent invested in lottery tickets that didn’t produce jobs except for Freddy Mac, the guy at the 7-11 who sells lottery tickets to my opponent, who thinks Freddy Mac will self-deport back to Washington and his wife Fannie. It’s a fantasy, like Peyton Hillis.

(ACTIVATE ANIMATION  showing Satan climbing out of the ears of my opponent’s visage) My opponent is too erratic. You never know what he is going to say. He has grandiose ideas about the Cleveland Browns, who have not won an NFL title since 1964, and the Browns perfect 48-year-plan.

(GRAPHIC of Lombardi Trophy in flames) This is the most important election, and Super Bowl prediction of our time. The future of the Lombardi Trophy is at stake and it can not be left to someone like my opponent. He has never run any a  betting business, he is too inconsistent with his stupid consistent views about a wishful Cleveland Browns victory at the Super Bowl in Indianapolis, which stole a team from Baltimore, which stole a team from Cleveland, which is not in the Super Bowl once again. Is this Super Bowl important? Oh gosh, yes.

( GRAPHIC: “This ad was paid for by Citizens Against Everything”) I have not coordinated with the makers of this ad about my horrible evil opponent in any way. Making another hypocritical Super Bowl prediction is something I don’t want to do and I think the destructive, vicious negative nature of asking for football predictions makes it harder to attract decent people to predict NFL games and I am appalled that anyone would begin a Super Bowl prediction column by drawing such a parallel as this way I just decided to say whatzgonnahappen.

PREGAME: Blake Shelton and Miranda Robert perform a stirring version of their duet hit song, “Who the hell am I?”

COIN FLIP: Peyton Manning flips the coin, just like in the commercial. With his number one rival and his little brother playing against each other in his stadium, Peyton is next headed to a therapist’s couch. But first it is heads. Tom Brady calls it, in what sportswriters immediately coin as his “heads-up call,” and the Patriots defer, wanting the ball to start the second half. The Chinese government then takes the coin as interest on the US debt.

FIRST QUARTER: A bunch of really interesting stuff happens at the beginning of the game, but the announcers spend that time talking about Tim Tebow. It turns out that Eli Manning comes out throwing. It is obvious early that the Patriots and Giants are involved in a chess match. The Patriots defense appears outgunned on the first drive. Eli looks driven and Mario Manningham burns the Patriots defense, which is obviously determined to take Victor Cruz away. The Patriots methodically march down the field to match it. Brady looks driven. But anyway, about Tebow…. Patriots 7, Giants 7

SECOND QUARTER: Watching the game in the press box, all the older sportswriters start talking about Ali and Frazier. The defensive lines are now teeing off on the two quarterbacks. After the Thrilla in Manilla, Ali said it was the closest to death he’s ever felt. Urgency is already setting in, even in Bill Belichick’s slightly Satanic and alter-boyish face. Field goals are traded. And traded again. Patriots 13, Giants 13

HALFTIME: There have been a lot of creepy halftime shows, but this year Madonna comes on stage dressed as Newt Gingrich and sings “Like a virgin, touched for the very first time.”

THIRD QUARTER: Rob Gronkowski, who looked hobbled the entire first half, comes out in the second half like he was a rookie who’d never been hit. But say no to drugs, kids. Tom Brady is given time by a newly focused offensive line and the the Patriots shoot 79 yards down the field in five plays. Ahmad Bradshaw finally introduces himself and the Giants answer. Deion Branch. Victor Cruz. Bombs away. Patriots 27, Giants 27

FOURTH QUARTER: The offenses both stall. Suddenly the defensive lines are back to harassing the quarterbacks. Say hello to the the punters. Patriots punter Zoltan Mesco has the best name in the NFL. With the Super Bowl tied halfway through the fourth quarter, Al Michaels and Chis Collinsworth talk about how wonderful Tim Tebow is for five minutes. During that time, Brandon Jacobs runs around the right end for a 13-yard Giants touchdown. Tom Brady then hits Chad Ochocinco for an 80-yard touchdown pass. Isn’t Tim Tebow great? Two more field goals follow before the announcers notice. The game is tied at 37 with 3 minutes to go, and it less than dramatically stays that way. Patriots 37, Giants 37

OVERTIME: The Giants win the coin toss and the Giants get a quick field goal. Karma is the ultimate bitch. Karma says a missed field goal decides the game. Karma says the Patriots miss. Karma is not always correct. The Patriots make the tying field goal for the same reason Lee Evans dropped that pass, and Billy Cundiff missed that kick, and the Tuck rule was invented. Later, Sterling Moore blocks a kick by Giants kicker Lawrence Tynes. The game is won when BenJarvus Green-Ellis (AKA “the law firm”) runs it in from 23 yards. Patriots 44, Giants 37

POSTGAME: The 3.5 hour game has ended but this is the dead middle of 18 hours of Super Bowl coverage. Dan Patrick gives the Lombardi Trophy to Bob Kraft, who gives it to Bill Belichick, who raises it and says, “This one is for Cleveland.”

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Abandon picks! Abandon picks! This is your Captain speaking. My NFL conference championship picks will sink you. I am currently in a massage parlor on dry land.

I am talking to you by speakerphone after ditching the boat as soon as I saw the Cleveland Browns season go under water. In other words, I haven’t been on the ship since about October. I told Rob Lowe to let you know. Truthfully, I am surprised it took this long to sink.

As you may have heard, the USS Whatzgonnahappen – a GOP charter – was built out of toothpicks and Elmer’s glue. Ron Paul was in charge of the budget, Mitt Romney fired the staff, Newt Gingrich hired 9-year-olds to replace the staff, and Rick Santorum dressed everyone in these nifty sweater vests.

The Green Bay Packers and Tim Tebow were key parts of the navigation system of this ship. You should have jumped off when those two pieces inexplicably shattered last weekend. Please follow along here because I am making up an excuse while I hear the police knocking at the door of this massage parlor on dry land that I am currently enjoying while you are on a sinking ship.

The truth is that this GOP charter ran into a rock I call Juan Williams, and it was exposed as an empty vessel. This is very much like how every Cleveland Browns season runs into a rock called The Schedule. Thank you again for choosing the USS Whatzgonnahappen.

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RAVENS AT PATRIOTS – After last week’s game against Denver Community College, the New England Patriots play host to the soulless Baltimore Ravens, featuring smoking Joe Flacco. He’s either hot or he flames out. The Patriots defense should give the Ravens hope. If Flacco gets confidence, he could make this a game. But if the Ravens defense doesn’t hit Tom Brady early and often, the Patriots offense could explode in a pick-your-poison offense – Gronkowski, Welker, and Hernandez. Only one Harbaugh is allowed to win this weekend, and it won’t be the one playing chess with the Hoodie. Wild thought of the game: I think Chad Ocho Cinco makes a key play. Ray Lewis goes on a cruise. Patriots 33, Ravens 20

GIANTS AT 49ers – This should be a good game, but it’s not like it’s the Packers versus the Saints. That would have been a good game, huh? In fact, the two best NFC teams are in this game as the NFL playoffs prove once again that it’s not about how cumulatively good you were, but how good you are right now. And right now, it’s easy to make a case for either one of these teams. The Giants defense was overwhelming last week and the offense is loaded with weapons and a great quarterback. However, Alex Smith grew into his potential last week. He looked special at the end of the game and I am all-in on the Cinderella story. 49ers 24, Giants 20

BYE AT BROWNS – Mike Holmgren sends a letter to all his players in a Dan Gilbert Comic Sans font explaining how the Browns will win next year’s Super Bowls just as sure as this year’s Cavaliers will shock the Miami Heat in the first round of this year’s NBA playoffs.

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This column is sponsored by the first name, “Willard,” as in Willard Mitt Romney.

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After Tim Tebow threw that pass, my billionaire friend, John, gave $3.16 million to my SuperPAC called, 2012 NFL Divisional Picks For America’s Future.

Would your billionaire friends do that?

Anyway, it’s off to South Carolina, where it is my turn to finish second in a Republican primary. I am running on an evangelical platform, because I have blind faith that a winning Cleveland Browns team can solve all of America’s problems. I am also running on a pro-capitalism platform, because I believe America’s future depends on how many Chinese jobs American companies can create before the Cleveland Browns win a Super Bowl.

Sure, I am a one-issue candidate. My friends in the Palmetto State can soon expect to be seeing attack ads on all teams in the NFL that are better than the Cleveland Browns, which is pretty much every team. While I like being able to fire people at least as much as Mitt Romney, I wonder where was Bain Capital after the Browns finished 4-12. It’s enough to get me to channel my inner Newt Gingrich. Are you scared yet?

Meanwhile, I recently rented out an entire wing of a hospital to give birth to an idea I call Brown & Orange Ivy. What does it mean? It means these picks have as much chance of being correct as an Iranian nuclear scientist has of driving home. Sure, it’s a long shot, but if any make it home, we’ll find out whatzgonnahappen.

SAINTS AT 49ers – When the Saints march into San Francisco… oh heck, they’re not marching, they’re flying. And that’s why I don’t trust old songs. . Drew Brees, who can do anything, tosses a Boeing 747 in the air and later it touches down. So last year, the Saints traveled to Seattle and lost to the 7-9 Seahawks. This year, the Saints have to travel west again, only their opponent this time was 13-3. It’s a bit more challenging and the Saints outdoors are not the same as the indoor Saints. But I’ve thought all year the 49ers were a mirage. At the end of the game handshake, Jim Harbaugh kicks Sean Payton in the knee.  Saints 31, 49ers 19

BRONCOS AT PATRIOTS – This is just freaky. Last month, I ate 316 donuts and then Tim Tebow won a playoff game. I also went to the john for 3.16 minutes on the day Tebow won a playoff game. (Yes, I use a timer.) Coincidence? While there was plenty of divine inspiration last week for the Fighting Tebows, the playoffs against the Patriots should be a different story. Sure, the Patriots have a pathetic defense, but Tom Brady was given a lot more skills from his creator than was the Broncos quarterback, whatsthisname. Brady was also was given more weapons from his coach, Beelzebub. Patriots 36, Broncos 20

TEXANS AT RAVENS – While Tim Tebow is the story of the NFL, the real quarterback miracle is that third string rookie selected last year in the fifth round of the NFL draft, T.J. Yates, is about to take his team to the AFC championship game. Ray Lewis will play inspired football before he is mistaken for an Iranian nuclear scientist. At that point, the Texans running game takes over. Arian Foster reminds me a bit of O.J Simpson, the football player. Texans 20, Ravens 16

GIANTS AT PACKERS – I just found out that if you do the discount-doublecheck touchdown dance in public, it’s considered an obscene gesture in my town. So while nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen, I expect Aaron Rodgers to see a bit of trouble coming his way in the form of the Giants pass rush. The Giants also have some serious playmakers and a quarterback playing almost as well as Rodgers. Of course, almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. It should be a fun shootout, the game of the weekend, and in the end the best team wins. Packers 40, Giants 30

BYE AT BROWNS – This is a pretty even matchup. In the end, the Browns won’t lose. Barely.

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This column is sponsored by the state slogan of Mississippi, “Get out of jail free.”

I just arrived in New Hampshire after voting eight times in Iowa, where I picked up these 2012 NFL Wild Card Weekend predictions from Michele Bachman. So yeah, these are accurate.

Bachman is out of the race and the Cleveland Browns are out of the NFL playoffs. Coincidence? Or are crazy-eyed grandiose schemes always bound to fail?

You may have noticed that I am now wearing a sweater vest, just like Rick Santorum. It is because I have decided to be sanctimonious about the 2012 NFL wild card weekend picks. Look, the Browns will not lose this weekend. Anyone who disagrees with me lacks moral character, not to mention a sweater vest.

Rick Perry, God bless him, is still around. And when he compared himself to Tim Tebow, he was actually right on target.

Newt Gingrich, the Rex Ryan of the campaign, remains full of contradictory bluster. But his Mark Sanchez lives inside his brain, throwing interceptions.

I wanted to vote John Huntsman, because I felt bad for him. But I feel bad for the Jacksonville Jaguars too. So what.

Which brings me to my eight votes for Mitt Romney. I had decided either he or Ron Paul would get my eight votes. Although I am a libertarian when it comes to hating the Pittsburgh Steelers, I am with Romney when he changes his mind all the time because I don’t really know whatzgonnahappen.

BENGALS AT TEXANS – These two teams are in the playoffs? Really? Is this the first sign of the Apocalypse? Sometime during the game Andy Dalton and A.J. Green will work some magic but the Texans running game wears down the dumb Bengals.  Texans 23, Bengals 20

STEELERS AT BRONCOS – The evil Steelers, even with Rashard Mendenhall out and Ben Roethlisberger hurting, shouldn’t have much trouble with the Fighting Tebows. While the Broncos defense is tough, I agree with everyone who says the Steelers wide receivers will have a big game. I am an American… I learned everything I know from television. Steelers 24, Broncos 10

LIONS AT SAINTS – I like fireworks. Do you like fireworks? I like fireworks. Matthew Stafford and Drew Brees are pyrotechnicians with loaded arsenals. Ndamukong Suh might make a difference, but probably for getting kicked out. I want to pick the Lions but they haven’t really beaten anybody and although I like the Lions offense and defense, I love the Saints offense more. The Saints running backs will have big games and the Saints survive a wild shootout. Saints 45, Lions 42

FALCONS AT GIANTS – The Falcons offensive line versus the Giants defensive line. That is the game. The Giants defensive line is the identity of the team, although Eli Manning to Victor Cruz has become a weekly highlight. The Falcons are getting closer, and they don’t regret trading for Julio Jones. Giants 27, Falcons 20

BYE AT PACKERS - The quarterback controversy swirls in Green Bay. Aaron Rodgers calls Brett Favre for advice.

BYE AT PATRIOTS – While the Patriots use bubble gum and rubber bands to hold the defense together, Devin McCourty moving to safety qualifies as scotch tape.

BYE AT RAVENS – A Michelle Bachman sign, thrown by an angry supporter in Iowa, falls on Ray Lewis’ head. The soulless Ravens will go as far as Ray Rice takes them.

BYE AT 49ers – Alex Smith spends the bye week reading stories about how he is a bust.

BYE AT BROWNS – Colt McCoy buys a Robert Griffin III voodoo doll.

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This column is sponsored by the Get-The-Browns-A-Real-Quarterback SuperPAC.

The Mayans’ week 17 NFL picks, at the cusp of the year 2012, signal the end of the world. Or maybe the end of the NFL season. As if there is a difference.

As a Browns fan, the end of the season usually happens at the beginning of the season. It would be tough for me to know if the world ended or not, since my head has been buried under the sand for weeks. I always thought the world officially ends on the day you die, but decades of cheering for the Cleveland Browns has led me to believe that perhaps hell is right here on Earth. The Mayans make me angry.

It has all gone just as the Mayans predicted.

Newly uncovered evidence suggests that the Mayans have, in fact, predicted every NFL game in history correctly. These are the last of the Mayan NFL predictions on account of that end-of-the-world thing, Predicting next season would be useless, wrote the Mayans.

The Mayans were Cleveland Browns fans, of course, which means they hated and still hate the Pittsburgh Steelers. But they couldn’t help the future they saw – including scary things like how Iowa will make us all think it’s a Rick Santorum world, and we just live in it.

While Tebow versus Orton took up a significant amount of stone-carved text, in the end the Mayans were split on Tebow. Otherwise, the Mayans clearly predicted this is whatzgonnahappen.

LIONS AT PACKERS – The Lions need the game and the Packers most likely give Aaron Rodgers a lot of rest, but this game will still be fun and somehow mean something. Packers 29, Lions 27

TITANS AT TEXANS – The Oilers had more character than both of these teams combined. I hated the Oilers. Texans 23, Titans 17

COLTS AT JAGUARS – Colt droppings versus Jaguar droppings. The game smells. Jaguars 10, Colts 9

JETS AT DOLPHINS – Matt Moore is better than Mark Sanchez at this moment in time. The Dolphins karma is on the upswing. The Jets? Rex Ryan talks, karma listens. Dolphins 20, Jets 14

BEARS AT VIKINGS – I don’t care versus me neither. Some rivalry. Bears 21, Vikings 20

BILLS AT PATRIOTS – The Bills wonder what happened to the good Bills team from earlier in the season. The Patriots are full speed ahead in the first half. Patriots 31, Bills 20

PANTHERS AT SAINTS – Happy new year! Look, fireworks on the scoreboard! Saints 39, Panthers 30

REDSKINS AT EAGLES – I am going to miss the dream team. This is their best game. Eagles 33, Redskins 23

49ers AT RAMS – The Rams cannot do much against the 49ers defense and each team has the persona of their coach. In the Rams case, it is of Steve Spagnulo walking a plank. 49Ers 29, Rams 13

BUCCANEERS AT FALCONS – Raheem Morris is in line with Steve Spagnulo. The Falcons need a win going into the playoffs. Falcons 30, Buccaneers 15

RAVENS AT BENGALS – The soulless Ravens against the dumb Bengals and it actually means something to both teams. Is this an alternate universe? The New Year’s ball in Manhattan rolls to and then over Ray Lewis. Freak accident. Bengals 29, Ravens 27

STEELERS AT BROWNS – First play from scrimmage: the Browns throw a successful bomb. Yes, this is fantasy and the evil Steelers are too intimidated by the Browns to even agree to go to the playoffs. Yes, it’s hard to believe the Browns would throw a bomb. Browns 9, Steelers 6

SEAHAWKS AT CARDINALS – John Skelton has a great NFL name, so I have to root for him in a game in which two mediocre teams are suddenly play okay or even alright. Cardinals 20, Seahawks 16

CHIEFS AT BRONCOS – The Chiefs will be more inspired by Romeo Crennell and Kyle Orton’s accurate passes than the Broncos will be by Tim Tebow running around hoping for something good to happen. Chiefs 20, Broncos 17

CHARGERS AT RAIDERS – With the Broncos losing, Carson Palmer throws a game-winning touchdown pass to get the Raiders in the playoffs and get Al Davis’ ghost to smile. There’s got to be a ghost, right? Raiders 30, Chargers 26

COWBOYS AT GIANTS – The playoff begin. Loser goes home. Victor Cruz goes to the end zone. Giants 29, Cowboys 23

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Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as these week 16 NFL picks are accurate.

How dreary the world would be if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if the NFL playoffs started without including the Cleveland Browns. There would be no childlike faith, no poetry, no romance… what do you mean, the Browns aren’t going to the playoffs?

That’s dreary!

Look Virginia, reports are that when Santa Claus left the North Pole he was wearing a Colt McCoy jersey under his red suit. A few years ago, he wore a Derek Anderson jersey, and  before that a Charlie Frye jersey under the suit. It’s true. Santa is a Browns fan.

It’s an under-reported fact that Santa Claus grew up in the snow belt of Cleveland. For those of you unfamiliar with Cleveland’s snow belt, think of it as being to snow as the Bible belt is to the Bible.  Full of it. Yes, Santa Claus comes from that much snow. This explains the cookies.

So you see, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus because why else would a fat old man fly around the world year after year giving gifts to every person in the world, or at least some of them, if it were not because the man was Browns fan trying to do anything to change his team’s luck.

Is Santa Claus real? Virginia, this is not 1997 or 1998 when the Cleveland Browns didn’t actually exist. Of course Santa Claus is real.

Santa’s favorite NFL team is not real good, so Santa sometimes gets confused. If you get a drill instead of a doll, it’s because Santa is sad about the Browns and not thinking straight. This doesn’t make Santa a bad person. Do you you understand, Virginia? Nothing is more real than Santa’s excruciating sadness about the state of his favorite football team so you should feel damn lucky you’re not getting coal.

Santa is as real as this is actually whatzgonnahappen.

TEXANS AT COLTS – Tough luck Colts fans. Colts 19, Texans 16

BROWNS AT RAVENS – Two trick plays, a blown referee’s call, and a weird bounce of the football is the formula to a sure Browns victory. Ray Lewis is buried under reindeer droppings. Browns 20, Ravens 17

VIKINGS AT REDSKINS – While the Vikings ponder their luck, Rex Grossman’s one-man stage show of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde continues. Redskins 27, Vikings 19

JAGUARS AT TITANS – While Blame Gabbert is this year’s Jimmy Clausen, Matt Hasselbeck is back to make Jaguar stew for Christmas. Titans 24, Jaguars 17

RAMS AT STEELERS – Charlie Batch fills in fine during this exhibition game. Steelers 24, Rams 10

GIANTS AT JETS – The Giants have to travel, but Eli Manning is better on the road than Mark Sanchez is at home. New York, New York, if you can make it there, you’re probably on the Giants 27, Jets 20

BRONCOS AT BILLS – On this day, God roots for the Buffalo Bills. That’s right, people, it’s time to go Fitzpatricking. Bills 23, Broncos 20

BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS - Most of the Buccaneers are already home opening presents by the time the game begins. Panthers 30, Buccaneers 13

CARDINALS AT BENGALS – Interesting matchup of two young quarterbacks and two spectacular receivers from two snake-bitten franchises. Bengals 23, Cardinals 20

RAIDERS AT CHIEFS – Kansas City’s romance with Romeo is in full bloom. Chiefs 24, Raiders 22

DOLPHINS AT PATRIOTS – In Miami, coal looks like Bill Belichick. Patriots 32, Dolphins 24

CHARGERS AT LIONS – Gentlemen, start the scoreboard. The touchdowns will be flying faster than Santa. In other words, this is going to be fun. Lions 40, Chargers 38

49ers AT SEAHAWKS – There is something, I don’t know what, that worries me about the 49ers. Whatever it is, it shows up in this game. Seahawks 17, 49ers 10

EAGLES AT COWBOYS – I don’t like either one of these teams so I hope they both lose. The Eagles are better at losing. It’s like a Christmas dream. Cowboys 30, Eagles 20

BEARS AT PACKERS – Perfect? How about a perfect blowout… Packers 34, Bears 12

FALCONS AT SAINTS – Saint Nick has a good day, so Drew Brees should find it just as easy. Saints 42, Falcons 32

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This column is sponsored by the Tinsel Workers Union.

These Week 15 NFL Picks are a protest. What am I protesting against? I am protesting against God for finally declaring which NFL team he roots for. I mean, the Broncos?

What am I protesting against? What have you got? TIME magazine named “The Protester” as Person of the Year so, as the ultimate bandwagon jumper, I am protesting. Technically, this column is now proof that I am TIME’s Person of the Year. You’re welcome.

Okay, how about I am protesting against the Green Bay Packers, who every Sunday run around acting like they are perfect. I am protesting against Sam Hurd for his pathetic Scarface impression, and I am protesting against James Harrison for his helmet-to-helmet Cleveland Browns concussions, plural.

Me and my kind have taken down Hosni Mubarak, Moammar Khadafy, and Tony Sparano. We  have taken on the world’s biggest banks, Vladimir Putin and Mike Holmgren. We are causing regime change in some places, while others are changing policies as a result of protests.

Across the world, The Protester is the 99 percent, rooting for an NFL team born again in 1999.  The Cleveland Browns are a born again football team, literally, and The Protester would like the faith of the people rewarded accordingly. The Protester worldwide is a Cleveland Browns fan asking when will the team win enough games so fans can simply hold their heads up with dignity. This is a basic human right.

As the year 2011 comes to a close, The Protester has one final, radical goal: Fix the Cleveland Browns. Yes, regime change in Egypt was easy by comparison. But The Protester does not give up. Power to the people! Oh yeah, that’s whatzgonnahappen

JAGUARS AT FALCONS – I don’t remember Thursday night.

COWBOYS AT BUCCANEERS – Saturday was a long time ago.

PANTHERS AT TEXANS – T.J. Yates has Matt Schaub reading up on Wally Pipp. Texans 20, Panthers 10

TITANS AT COLTS – Nobody’s perfect this season except the Packers. Colts 13, Titans 10

PACKERS AT CHIEFS – I like Romeo Crennell, and Kyle Orton poses a bit of an early issue, but the Packers offense is dominant. Packers 24, Chiefs 17

SEAHAWKS AT BEARS – Marshawn Lynch has Bears 20, Seahawks 16

DOLPHINS AT BILLS – Buffalo weather so I am back on the bandwagon. Plus the Dolphins are waiting for next year. Bills 20, Dolphins 19

SAINTS AT VIKINGS – Drew Brees is the definition of accurate. Saints 38, Vikings 24

BENGALS AT RAMS – AJ Green is ridiculous Bengals 24, Rams 17

REDSKINS AT GIANTS – Eli is better when Peyton is not in the league. Giants 27, Redskins 20.

LIONS AT RAIDERS – Ndamkong Suh and Richard Seymour write a children’s book called, “I’ll Hurt You.” Lions 26, Raiders 10

BROWNS AT CARDINALS – The Seneca Wallace era begins. That’s right, it’s going to be an era. Browns 30, Cardinals 20

PATRIOTS AT BRONCOS – The Patriots should win 42-0. They won’t win because Tim Tebow inspires the Broncos defense to rush Tom Brady who throws an interception to an unnamed player who Tim Tebow cheers for as the player runs for a touchdown. Tebow cheering is the ESPN play of the week. Broncos 24, Patriots 21

JETS AT EAGLES – Disappointing versus humiliating. Disappointing wins. Jets 24, Eagles 20

RAVENS AT CHARGERS – The Chargers are back? Back to nowhere, says I. The soulless Ravens remind Philip Rivers he is having a miserable season. Meanwhile, Ray Lewis has a fatal tinsel accident. Ravens 24, Chargers 21

STEELERS AT 49ers – The evil Steelers are better than the 49ers if Ben Roethlisberger plays. Steelers 17, 49ers 13

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This column is sponsored by “The Gingrich Who Stole Christmas,” and “I Saw Romney Kissing Santa Claus.”

If I was Mitt Romney, I would bet $10,000 on these week 14 NFL picks. But why would I want to be Mitt Romney? However, if I was Albert Pujols, I would bet $254 million on these week 14 NFL picks.

Actually, if I was Albert Pujols, I would have already bet $254 million that the Cleveland Browns would beat the Pittsburgh Steelers this week. I hate the Steelers, and if I was Albert Pujols I would insist, as part of being Albert Pujols, that I still get to hate the Steelers.

The game was Thursday night, and the official scoreboard read Steelers 14, Browns 3, I don’t  remember the second half because I took a helmet-to-helmet hit while watching the game. I sent myself right back in to watch, but no matter what I did I could not get the team to play better.

That’s when I thought that if I was Albert Pujols I would have bet $254 million on the game. It’s a good thing I am not Albert Pujols. Also, if I was Albert Pujols, I probably still could not hit a baseball.

This is not about me being Albert Pujols. This is what Albert Pujols $254 million week 14 NFL picks would look like, if he hadn’t already bet it all on the Browns/Steelers game. But if I was Albert Pujols, I wouldn’t have $254 million. I would have signed with the Cleveland Indians.

But since Albert Pujols signed with the Los Angeles Angels, he has $254 million that he most likely will bet on these games. Sure, that’s whatzgonnahappen.

BROWNS AT STEELERS – NBA commissioner David Stern voids Thursday’s game, and awards the Browns the victory. Browns 100, Steelers 0

COLTS AT RAVENS – The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is considering helping the Colts. Ray Lewis has fatal hiccups. Ravens 35, Colts 10

PATRIOTS AT REDSKINS – This is for the Albert Haynesworth Trophy – a box of nothing. Patriots 28, Redskins 20

SAINTS AT TITANS – Chris Johnson is brilliant again, but the Saints offense is better. Saints 29, Titans 24

CHIEFS AT JETS – Mark Sanchez throws an interception and Tyler Palko throws a touchdown pass because I want Palko to be better than Sanchez. Chiefs 20, Jets 17.

EAGLES AT DOLPHINS – The Dolphins went from the Andrew Luck sweepstakes to good luck beating this team in less than two months. Dolphins 24, Eagles 21

FALCONS AT PANTHERS – His team stinks, but Cam Newton is already better than Matt Ryan. In this game, his team is better too. Panthers 27, Falcons 20

TEXANS AT BENGALS – Two teams going up the bell curve, but there’s only one T.J. Yates. Texans 20, Bengals 17

VIKINGS AT LIONS – Matthew Stafford takes himself in fantasy football. Lions 37, Vikings 20

BUCCANEERS AT JAGUARS – Blame Gabbert. Buccaneers 23, Jaguars 16

BEARS AT BRONCOS – John Elway is developing Tebow envy. Broncos 17, Bears 13

49ers AT CARDINALS – Beanie Wells may take advantage of Patrick Willis absence, but the Alex Smith offense will be efficient enough to win. 49ers 24, Cardinals 15

RAIDERS AT PACKERS – The Packers are having the quietest perfect season ever. Ho hum, the Packers win again… Packers 32, Raiders 22

BILLS AT CHARGERS – Every year I jump on a bandwagon. The Bills ran the shoddiest bandwagon I’ve ever been on. I apologize for such an amateur move. Chargers 33, Bills 17

GIANTS AT COWBOYS – Ahmad Bradshaw is back, and he is a very good football player. Giants 24, Cowboys 19

RAMS AT SEAHAWKS – Pete Carroll writes a Seahawks fight song that the team sings before every game. Seahawks 20, Rams 19

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This column is sponsored by bacon.

Do you ever want to stomp on someone and say, these are my Week 13 NFL Picks?

Well, you’re in luck. For two weeks only, the Ndamukong Suh Suggesturizer is available to the public. On a very limited basis, you can authorize the grinding of a human head into the ground and the stomping of an arm. Your only legal responsibility is to describe the action as a part of your Week 13 NFL Picks.

So…

Are you a Cleveland Browns fan wondering how fun it would be to win against the soulless Baltimore Ravens, and then the evil Pittsburgh Steelers?

Do you coach the Philadelphia Eagles and want to do something more drastic than say, “We’ve got to do a better job?”

Are you a former Eagles, Redskins and Vikings quarterback who might enjoy not being so nice every time?

Are you Herman Cain, and you wish you could have changed the subject?

The Ndamukong Suh Suggesturizer can benefit almost anyone.

Meet Newt Gingrich, a certified master in using the Suggesturizer. For instance, despite his three marriages and an airport hanger full of baggage, Gingrich benefited most from the Herman Cain story.

The Suggesturizer is available to the entire public, but especially to those involved in the NFL or politics. Please remember this special offer is only available for two weeks. It is 100 percent effective. Jack Del Rio was recently suggesturized.

Please submit your ideas because head grinding and arm stomping will commence shortly, and your wishes can help determine whatzgonnahappen.

EAGLES AT SEAHAWKS – The Nightmare Team will give up exactly 148 yards to Marshawn Lynch. Seahawks 31, Eagles 14

TITANS AT BILLS – As soon as I jumped on the Buffalo bandwagon, the whole thing fell apart. That’s heavy. Titans 20, Bills 13

COLTS AT PATRIOTS – The Patriots are favored by 20.5 points. That’s like Wall Street versus Occupy Wall Street. If this was grade school, the slaughter rule would be in effect. Patriots 49, Colts 19

JETS AT REDSKINS – Journeyman Rex Grossman outplays soon-to-be journeyman Mark Sanchez. Redskins 20, Jets 17

PANTHERS AT BUCCANEERS – The Buccaneers are horrible, but they can’t lose six straight. Can they? Buccaneers 24, Panthers 21

BENGALS AT STEELERS – Late in the game, Andy Dalton will drive the surprising Bengals down the field to take the lead, but then Ben Roethlisberger will do the same to give the evil Steelers the win. Steelers 21, Bengals 17

CHIEFS AT BEARS – Kyle Orton puts on a black shirt and tries to sneak to the Bears sideline. Bears 13, Chiefs 7

FALCONS AT TEXANS – And that, kids, is how the legend of T.J. Yates began. Texans 30, Falcons 20

RAIDERS AT DOLPHINS – Something still doesn’t feel right about the Raiders’ karma, and the Dolphins have found out how to win enough this year to hurt next year’s draft. Dolphins 23, Raiders 20

BRONCOS AT VIKINGS – The Broncos defense dominates and Tim Tebow gets the credit and tons more press across the league. A small country in east Asia renames itself Tebowland. Broncos 20, Vikings 7

RAVENS AT BROWNS – The Baltimore Ravens existence is a forever a travesty, therefore Peyton Hillis shall play as if he is deserving of the cover of Madden. Ray Lewis eats bad  airline food. Browns 24, Ravens 20

RAMS AT 49ers – If the Rams pull an upset, the NFL makes no sense. The NFL makes sense, and logic for a 49ers win is overwhelming. 49ers 28, Rams 10.

PACKERS AT GIANTS – The Packers season is like an old-fashioned Midwest assembly line. Next… Packers 34, Giants 20

COWBOYS AT CARDINALS – Kevin Kolb, Beanie Wells, and Tony Romo’s mistakes put an end to the Dallas winning streak. Cardinals 29, Cowboys 24

LIONS AT SAINTS – Mark Ingram, Pierre Thomas and Darren Sproles do some Suggesturizing of their own. Saints 32, Lions 17

CHARGERS AT JAGUARS – Norv Turner has Jack Del Rio envy. Jaguars 12, Chargers 10

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This column is sponsored by Northerners for Global Warming.

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