You can fence in your yard
You can pull all your cards
But I won’t back down, oh, no
I won’t back down, oh no
These week 14 NFL Picks are a cowardly compromise. Everyone knows that compromise is for wussies.
The President wanted only those gambling less than $250,000 on the New England Patriots to have access to these week 14 NFL picks, but the Republicans demanded that every rich crazy gambler who likes the Carolina Panthers also get access to these week 14 NFL picks – known colloquially as the Bush-era week 14 NFL picks.
Of course, it’s a complicated issue. The Republicans reluctantly agreed to extend failed gambler benefits to middle class Cleveland Browns fans for 13 more months. If the Browns don’t win the Super Bowl in that time, no one knows what’s going to happen to those poor people. But failed gambling banks were given a tarp, which provided a lot of cover for bets on the Buffalo Bills and Cincinnati Bengals.
Washington is so complicated these days. Albert Haynesworth is a $100 million nonfunctioning earmark, and Mike Shanahan has been reduced to a bureaucratic hack.
Do I mix metaphors? Sure. Why do I do it? It’s a compromise.
Without compromise, who knows whatzgonnahappen.
COLTS AT TITANS – I’m pretty good picking the Thursday games. And apparently Peyton Manning has not yet morphed into Brett Favre. Colts 30, Titans 28
FALCONS AT PANTHERS – Panthers fans are counting on Jimmy Clausen to bring them Andrew Luck. It’s a good plan. Falcons 25, Panthers 17
RAIDERS AT JAGUARS – The Raiders new team mascot is Sybil. Jaguars 24, Raiders 16
BUCCANEERS AT REDSKINS – Thank God Albert Haynesworth’s unemployment benefits have been extended. Buccaneers 21, Redskins 18
PACKERS AT LIONS – Look, Aaron Rodgers is playing a video game! Packers 37, Lions 13
BENGALS AT STEELERS – It’s a heartwarming story when Ben Roethlisberger takes a beating like Joe Frazier used to give out. Steelers 27, Bengals 14
GIANTS AT VIKINGS – Brett Favre takes the first snap from a wheelchair with oxygen hooked up and a catheter installed (photo available on Deadspin). The streak lives. Giants 23, Vikings 19
BROWNS AT BILLS – Peyton Hillis scores four touchdowns and Josh McDaniels is put in the Cleveland Browns Ring of Honor. Browns 31 Bills 20
SEAHAWKS AT 49ers – Anyone named Smith is qualified to quarterback the 49ers. Seahawks 21, 49ers 20
RAMS AT SAINTS – Sam Bradford will have some fun against that Saints defense, but Drew Brees has been acquiring rehabilitated weapons faster than North Korea. Saints 35, Rams 25
DOLPHINS AT JETS – The Jets took a bye last week so they should be ready for the Dolphins. Jets 28. Dolphins 10
CHIEFS AT CHARGERS – Brodie Croyle has nightmares that he will play like Brodie Croyle. Chargers 48, Chiefs 10
PATRIOTS AT BEARS – Jay Cutler will tell his grandchildren about the one day he outplayed Tom Brady. Bears 24, Patriots 17
BRONCOS AT CARDINALS – Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson share a laugh. Broncos 23, Cardinals 12
EAGLES AT COWBOYS – As Don Meredith wisely told Cowboys fans, “Turn out the lights, the party’s over.” Eagles 40, Cowboys 20
RAVENS AT TEXANS – Joe Flacco is not as good as everyone but me says he is. The blood Ray Lewis is drinking goes down the wrong pipe. Texans 26, Ravens 19
This column is sponsored by The Federal Confusion Act.