I’ll tell you no and you’re gonna ask me why, why why
When I remind you of all this and you’ll cry, cry, cry
– Johnny Cash
I got a big gavel just in time to make Wildcard Weekend NFL Picks. Thanks Nancy. Now scram.
I am crying because I am the new speaker of the people’s NFL picks. Plus I hurt myself with the gavel. Ouch. If I have my way, I won’t see a doctor. That’ll show me!
So as a first order of business, I aim to cut the deficit by swinging this gavel and betting with the Chinese on this weekend’s games. Specifically, I got the Chinese to take the Seattle Seahawks against the New Orleans Saints.
I think they took the bet because of Ichiro. I know that Ichiro is Japanese and plays baseball. But I’m not sure they know. Plus they like Pete Carroll. They think he is cuddly, like a Panda. I am making all this up. I have no idea why the Chinese would bet on the Seahawks.
So listen, Arkansas, you are what I bet the Chinese. In other words, if the Seahawks somehow win, you are Chinese. But look on the bright side. The Chinese wanted me to bet Connecticut. As if!
With my big gavel, this new Congress has already acted decisively. If the New Orleans Saints beat the Seattle Seahawks, the deficit goes down significantly. And if the Seahawks win, it will be easier to visit China. That’s whatzgonnahappen.
SAINTS AT SEAHAWKS – In the first quarter the Saints offense is a drop from the faucet, while Matt Hasselbeck makes this game look like a relative of Buster Douglas. But by the end of the game, Drew Brees has the ball flying all over the field as the drip becomes a fire hose of activity. The Seahawks are who we thought they were. Saints 34, Seahawks 20
JETS AT COLTS – Rex Ryan has a plaque on his desk. He bought it at a flea market, and it misquotes Teddy Roosevelt as saying: “Speak loudly and carry a small stick.” Santonio Holmes should have a big day but look for Mark Sanchez to complete more big passes to the Colts than to his own receivers. Meanwhile, Peyton Manning laughs every time the Jets blitz. Colts 26, Jets 14
RAVENS AT CHIEFS – Fireworks are shot off and a 3,000 birds fall from the sky and land on Ray Lewis. While most everyone is discounting the Chiefs as too young and inexperienced, I’m a believer. Look for some Matt Cassell heroics after a Joe Flacco late interception. Chiefs 23, Ravens 20
PACKERS AT EAGLES – After a dream season, Michael Vick will have offseason Clay Mathews nightmares. Aaron Rodgers throws three touchdown passes and the Eagles are karmically punished on a special teams play for once being snow wussies. Packers 31, Eagles 23
BYE AT PATRIOTS – Winning means attention to detail. Patriots rookies are given three-pages on how to brush their teeth in the post-season.
BYE AT FALCONS – Matt Ryan watches Stuart Smalley tapes.
BYE AT STEELERS – Mike Tomlin is a fan of Jersey Shore because his quarterback is like a character from the show.
BYE AT BEARS – Jay Cutler spends the week trying to remember the difference between uniform colors.
BYE AT BROWNS – The same movie keeps repeating.
This column is sponsored by the US Constitution, except that one part.